Today, the power went out. Thankfully, it was early in the morning so I should've been able to sleep through it. Then I realized I have an impossible time sleeping during power outages. FML
Today, I am living a nightmare. My mother is now friends with my wife and my mother-in-law, plus my sister is now friends with my wife’s sisters. All that needs to happen now is they all get together in the same room and my life will be over; it will be a 7 on 1 massacre, and I’ll be the 1. FML
Today, we found out in the middle of my son's custody battle that he never filed the joint custody papers when his son was born, they're just sat in a drawer in his kitchen because he’d "get round to it.” His ex has sole legal custody and has cut off all contact with us. FML
Today, my husband has been drunk and miserable for days. Not due to a death in the family, or losing a job, or anything normal, no. He has been diagnosed with Alpha-Gal allergies and can no longer eat red meat. He's crying because he "will never taste steak again." FML
Today, my work made us all get up at 3 a.m. to head to the airport for our 7 a.m. flight, only for us to get to the airport and find out the flight is cancelled. FML
Today, my workplace is having a karaoke night. Most of our regulars are horrible singers, so this doesn't bode well for me, a person with rather sensitive ears. I'd like to bring my headphones along, but they broke yesterday. Please send help. FML
Today, I ate fruit for a snack before I left to visit my mom. When I arrived, she accused me of vaping because I smelled like fruit. I'm also 27. FML
Today, I was trying to exercise while having to keep my cat inside. Turns out it’s impossible to do pull-ups when a cute kitty is sitting on top of the ledge you’re holding on to, thinking you’re playing peekaboo and trying to slap your silly face. FML
Today, I always say my body is my worst enemy because not only do I have irregular periods with heavy flow and bad cramps, I also get it when I currently have a fever, the highest temperature being 102.8 (checked under arms). FML
Today, I joined a video meeting 5 minutes early and waited for everyone else to arrive. I spent the time quietly singing along to music in another tab. When the meeting started, my manager said, "We've been able to hear you for the last 5 minutes." I'd assumed the microphone was muted. FML
Today, it's been a day since I've went on a date with a girl I liked. She didn't contact me back, so I presumed that she wasn't interested. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and felt very excited. It was a McDonald's app notification. FML
Today, a fly landed on my face. Before I could even react, my brother "helpfully" punched it hard enough to both kill the fly and knock me out. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I felt something crack on my head. My 6 year-old son had just smashed an egg into my hair. When I asked why, he said, "Mom does it for TikTok." This is how I found out that my wife has been "pranking" him for likes, and thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, I found out my ex friend is having her wedding at the same resort and same venue as me, and I had it secured 9 months before her. Now she’s trying to also use my priest. FML
Today, I came in to work to hand in my resignation. The minute I walked in, my manager took me aside and said he wanted to talk to me in private. He then cancelled my position and fired me. FML
Today, I was flattered to receive a hand-addressed letter for the first time in years. I tore it open to discover it was actually addressed to my dog. It was a vaccination reminder from his vet. FML
Today, after years of seeing the original post, I finally did it. I was popping pimples on my nose so aggressively, I gave myself a bloody nose. Here's to you, OP. FML
Today, after nearly three weeks of gastritis, my stomach has finally calmed down and I'm no longer feeling sick all day. Also today I woke up with a debilitating migraine and I can't function without taking pain medication. Guess how my stomach likes that… FML
Today, I had to explain to my boss that the reason I was sobbing hysterically as she told me that I was getting a pay raise was because I was going to the vet to have my sick and dying cat put down. Good news at a bad time. FML
Today, I learned my ex-girlfriend has been going around to all of my friends and telling them that I wanted to fuck dead people. No wonder nobody has been talking to me for the past 3 months. FML
Today, I tried to schedule a counseling appointment so I could vent about the lack of quality control in software. The online scheduler said to call. The secretary scheduled my appointment then said the system would send an email with the appointment link. The email did not contain any links. FML
Today, I was at Aldi when I realized I'd left my wallet at home. I tried to convince the cashier to let me pay with an IOU, but they just gave me a skeptical look and said, "This isn't the 1880s, dude." I had to leave my cart of groceries and walk out empty-handed. FML
Today, my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years left me for another girl he’s known for 3 months, just because she’s closer. Never mind that I was the one who remained faithful to him for 2 long years, got him through the deaths of his parents, gave him money when he fell on hard times, among other things. FML
Today, my boyfriend said to me, in front of his friends, “Can you stop breaking out into song all the time? It’s getting really annoying.” FML
Today, I went shooting with my dad and he brought his grandfather's rifle with him. I’ve never shot it before and he told me to be careful with it. The bullet exploded, ruptured the barrel, cut my face, and made me deaf in one ear. Dad still blamed me for “not shooting it properly.” FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to straighten her hair while she did her makeup, even though I’ve never straightened hair before. I burned a length of it off, because I had no idea what I was doing. It’s super obvious from the back, but she’s gone out already. I’m a dead man when she gets home. FML
Today, I'm suffering with an acute and weird form of misophonia. I get irrationally triggered and angry whenever I hear someone say words and phrases like, "at a level that nobody's ever seen before", "radical left", "like you wouldn't believe", "nobody’s ever seen anything like it", and "drill baby drill." I need professional help. FML
Today, I needed to ask my mom for something, so I went to her room without knocking and walked in on her and her boyfriend fucking. FML
Today, slightly drunk from a head-frazzle of a night out from hell, I sent a text meant for my friend recounting the terrible date I'd just been on… to the date himself. He replied with, "I know, right?" FML
Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’m seriously considering hiring a professional if you catch my drift. I try to put myself out there but I’m so self-conscious about my mastectomy scars that the thought of anyone seeing me naked sends me into a heaving sobbing anxiety attack. FML
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