Today, I learned that asking your Hinge date, “How tall do you wish you were?” lands you in the ER and will have you looking like Sloth from the Goonies. FML
Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML
Today, I had a job interview for a position at a police station. I asked to use the restroom and accidentally opened the wrong door, locking myself in a stairwell. I had to knock on the door until somebody let me out. Safe to say I didn't get the job. FML
Today, I had no choice but to move in with my grandmother who is extremely strict and old fashioned. She is demanding that I quit my construction job because according to her, women are supposed to be dainty and petite and poised and beautiful, not construction workers. If I don't, she'll kick me out. FML
Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML
Today, unlike what you may have joked about with your friends, I actually did meet people who told me to "take a hit or we'll beat the shit out of you." I got picked up by my mom 20 minutes later like planned. When my mom noticed I was high, she grounded me for the "rest of high school." FML
Today, at brunch, a friend started talking about wanting kids. The table immediately turned into a debate about whether having children is selfish, noble, irresponsible, or “bad for the planet.” The waiter came back 3 times asking if we were ready to order, while 8 adults argued over the future of humanity next to untouched eggs Benedict. FML
Today, I got locked out of my house while wearing pyjamas. I didn’t have my phone, so I had to ask my neighbour to call a locksmith. She insisted on chatting at me for an hour about her love life, while I sat there waiting desperately for the locksmith in my dinosaur-print pyjamas. FML
Today, I walked to the grocery store despite being out of shape since it was typically only a 30 minute walk and gas prices are bad. The hourly temperature on my weather app was wrong as usual so by the time I got to the store, I was sweating buckets. By the time I got back home, I was so overheated I nearly threw up. FML
Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML
Today, I was talking to my boss when I let slip, "Love you, bye," at the end of a phone call out of habit. We both paused, and then he hung up without saying a word. FML
Today, to help my fellow trainees, I made a very long post in the training Teams chat detailing every detail that tripped me up recently. One responded, "Sir this is a Wendy's" and they all bust up laughing. FML
Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML
Today, the bank called to ask when were we going to make the mortgage payments for our family home. We were several months late. I had been transferring my mother the cash to make the mortgage payments after she lost her money gambling. She absolutely promised she would stop several months ago. I guess she lied. FML
Today, my mom is coming to pick up the Christmas presents we got for her and her husband. She won’t come inside or come within 6 feet, so she can be healthy when she goes down to the ex-wife’s parents house to hang out. The ex in-laws that hate me. Glad my mom chose them over me. FML
Today, I got back from a holiday to find that my coworkers had prepared a “Welcome Back!” surprise. I pretended to be excited, only for them to awkwardly whisper that it was intended for another coworker, who was on her way back from maternity leave the same morning. FML
Today, during a first date, we discovered we had complete opposite views on tipping. Neither of us wanted to back down, so we spent an hour debating economics instead of getting to know each other. At the end, the server thanked us for the entertainment and asked if we'd be coming back. FML
Today, my mum went and told everyone she only went to the doctor after being ill because my brother told her to. It was me who'd been telling her for weeks to go. FML
Today, I got pulled over for speeding and got a $200 ticket. After I pulled away, I decided to warn the next car about the cop up ahead by flashing my headlights. The next car was another cop. He didn't appreciate my "help". FML
Today, I knew my mom wanted to go out to dinner with me and my sisters, and I couldn't remember why, so I called her and said, "Why are we going out to dinner?" and she goes, "Well, we always have." I forgot today's the anniversary of my stepdad dying. FML
Today, I was excited to try my new skincare mask. My dog apparently thought I had turned into some kind of monster and barked hysterically for twenty minutes before lunging at my face and licking it off. So much for self-care. FML
Today, my train was delayed, so I sprinted across the station to catch another one. I made it onto the train just before the doors closed. Then I looked around and realized I had boarded the exact same train I had just gotten off. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML
Today, I sent my mom a text to tell her about my promotion at work. She responded with, "Who is this?" It turns out that she deleted my number, because I "never call." FML
Today, my mom told me I need to stop yelling and swearing at my girlfriend. Um, OK, first of all mom, she’s my ex because she cheated on me with my best friend since nursery school, and when she turns up drunk at my door at 4 a.m., you can bet I’m going to yell and swear until she goes away. FML
Today, my wife is mad because she forgot our anniversary. Not me, her. She thought it was today and got mad at me for having nothing planned. It’s tomorrow, and I do have stuff planned for us. So she’s mad at me because she got it wrong and felt like an idiot, which is somehow my fault. FML
Today, I was telling my kids off for some misbehaviour when my wife chimed in that in all honestly, they were just behaving like I do most days. I had zero defence to that because it’s true. I've now got a wife and three kids who won’t stop mocking me FML
Today, my boss tried to knock down a tower of empty boxes next to me while yelling, "Beat it, nerd!" A box hit my face and knocked my glasses off. I got bullied by my boss. FML
Today, after my landlord announced a "surprise" apartment inspection, I spent the entire night cleaning every room, scrubbing the oven, and organizing closets. The inspector walked in, looked around for 20 seconds, checked for a smoke detector, then left. FML
Today, I was trying to be a responsible adult and check my credit score. I accidentally mistyped my password five times, got locked out, and had to call customer service. They asked me so many security questions, I started questioning my own identity (and sanity). FML
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