Today, I realized I have rejected at least five marriage offers and about the same number of women who've wanted to have my children. I have never been into kids or marriage, but all my girlfriends and some FWBs turn into marriage and kid crazy wannabe housewives after a while. FML
Today, my water broke. Due to Covid-19, we couldn't go straight to labor and delivery, so had to go to the emergency room and wait to be taken up. I sat there for an hour with a ruptured sac and contractions. FML
Today, my wife and I had our first night without kids in 15 years, at a friend's wedding. In the middle of a song, while we were dancing, she left me to go dance with her new "gay best friends." FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter thought it was funny that the chicken on her plate and chickens on farms are called the same name. I had my mouth full so I couldn’t stop my rotten eldest son from saying, “That’s because chicken is dead chickens.” Cue her crying while my son cackled like a sociopath. FML
Today, I had to explain to my gaming friends that I can't be a night owl anymore because of a major health scare where I was suddenly unable to sleep at all. I now have to take sleeping pills every night and abide by a strict sleeping schedule. My friends are bummed out, and I feel bad for them. Fuck insomnia. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted to try something that would turn me on immediately. While I was in our bed, she came in, wearing only the underwear she took from our 13 year-old daughter's closet. Now she doesn't understand why I'm genuinely disgusted and don't want to have sex with her. FML
Today, I was expecting to receive a package in the mail as I can only shop online given my current physical condition. A notification informed me the parcel failed to deliver and now it's available for pickup at the warehouse, which is 5 miles away. A long way on crutches. FML
Today, I booked my car in for a service, with the intention of taking the courtesy bus to work. I got there at 8:45am, and the receptionist told me the courtesy bus was 10 minutes away. Work is 1.5km away, so I told my boss that I might be a couple of minutes late. Fifty minutes later, the bus came. I should've walked. FML
Today, I heard the guy I love talk to a friend of his. He was telling his friend how he appreciates all my attention, affection, and random gestures such as buying him lunch sometimes, but he’ll never see me in a romantic way because I’m “too fat for his taste.” I was basically used the entire time. FML
Today, it was my first day working at my new job in a hospital with one day of training for a few hours a week ago. I wasn’t shown around and I was told I wouldn’t be alone today. I was. I got called useless because I’m the new girl who didn’t know where to tell people to go, or how to get there. FML
Today, I feel so tired and hungover after going to the office summer party yesterday. I had no alcohol to drink and I left at 10pm, way earlier than all my team. My team drank a lot and stayed until after 1am. They all showed up earlier and looking better than me, while I'm a trainwreck with a bad headache. FML
Today, I realized that my addiction to YouTube true crime had gone too far when I immediately though, "Dead body!" when I came across a seemingly abandoned suitcase outside my building. It's only when my neighbor came outside to pick it up that I stopped calling 911. FML
Today, my wife made me feel like an asshole for not leaving work to come home because she wasn't feeling good. I'm working at a jobsite 1.5 hours away from home, plus my vehicle wasn't at the jobsite either. FML
Today, I found out that the word "segue" is pronounced like the "Segway" brand. Unfortunately, I found this out as I was giving a speech, which someone interrupted to correct me. I'm a 41 year-old salesman. FML
Today, I woke up on my day off as a family man. Yesterday I played an AI game where I went back to my college days in the 2000s. I recreated those days as they were, and it brought back many memories. The problem? The game let me create the perfect girlfriend. I regret dating my now ex-wife back then more than ever. FML
Today, I traveled 3 hours to a town I hate, to spend my birthday with my mom and brother and his family. My mom didn't realize it was my birthday until the cake slice with candles was placed in front of me. FML
Today, it’s been a couple of days since I hurt my knee. What did I do? Fall asleep sitting up, and somehow locking my knees. It’s been at least a week already. I’m only 26. FML
Today, the self-checkout machine at the grocery store kept yelling, “PLEASE PLACE ITEM IN BAGGING AREA” while I frantically tried to scan everything. An employee came over and said a bit too loudly, “Ma’am, you have to scan the condoms before bagging them.” Of course there were people around to giggle. FML
Today, I was woken up ungodly early by my dad, who didn't give me even 5 seconds to wake up before barking orders at me to clean the septic tank screen, because it was clogged, but he needed to go to work. Conveniently, he'd already had a shower and "didn't notice" the gurgling toilet until he was done. FML
Today, I went to do laundry in my apartment building. I thought no one was around, so I walked down in my pajamas (a giant t-shirt with holes and socks with sandals). Of course, I ran into the neighbor I’ve had a crush on for months. He was shirtless, holding a laundry basket like an ad for cologne. He smiled and said, “Nice, erm, outfit?” I’ve never sprinted back upstairs faster. FML
Today, while eating breakfast in a hotel lobby, the woman next to me started playing an obnoxious clip of a baby’s high-pitched crying. The worst part is that my parents refused to let me do anything about it or step away from the loud noise, as they thought it would “embarrass the whole family.” FML
Today, I moved cities to live with the man whose baby I gave birth to two weeks ago. I found a bra that doesn’t belong to me in the dirty laundry hamper. FML
Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend if maybe she wanted to actually leave the house for date night. All I got was, “Why? We have takeaway menus.” When I insisted we leave the house for once, she got suspicious, like I was trying to hide something bad. She’s not talking to me until I admit what I did. FML
Today, my mom came to me, hysterically crying that her boyfriend had hit and choked her. I’d feel bad for her except he’s my ex who also beat me, yet when I turned to my mother for help she decided to take him in instead and get pregnant with his kid. What goes around comes around bitch! FML
Today, I woke up unusually early for an appointment and got ready real quick. Only after passing the front door did I realize I had forgotten my sleeping baby inside. FML
Today, I told my husband that I missed how exciting it was when we were dating, so he pretended to sneak into my room through the window, we had sex, then fell asleep. All very exciting. Then the bastard actually snuck out while I was still asleep, and didn’t call me all day. FML
Today, I got ready for work in the dark, and it was noon before someone told me that I had one of my wife's pantyliners stuck to the back of my pants. I'd just given a presentation to 80 people. FML
Today, my mother accused me of being a drama queen when I screamed as she stepped on my foot. I was barefoot and she was wearing boots. One of my toes is swelling and turning purple. FML
Today, I have a largely unknown and heavily stigmatized eating disorder that severely limits my food palate. It will most likely lead to a premature death if left untreated, and everyone I know - even doctors - just call me "picky" and leave it at that. I WANT to eat normally. Can't you understand? FML
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