Today, I was exhausted after three solid weeks of having my kids. After I got home, my dog decided to get intimate with his stuffed animal toy. I now know what my dog’s dong looks like, and that he’s gotten more action in the last two months than I have. FML
Collection
College Life
Packed lecture halls, a sketchy roommate and frat parties: welcome to college, the real thing.
Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML
Today, my dog carried on with his recent habit of trying to hump me. When I told my mom, she just joked that he's my new boyfriend. Now my whole family is just calling him my boyfriend. FML
Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML
Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML
Today, I had my boss and his family over for dinner. Our kids played while waiting for dinner to be ready. Just as we were sitting to eat, our 8-year-olds ran out and my son says "Look at Baxter! I found underwear with a tail hole!" They had found my crotchless panties and put them on the dog. FML
Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML
Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML
Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML
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Top comments
DLBL 23
Three solid weeks of having your kids. How does the custodial parent survive?
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Comments (2)
Yudith 28
Buy yourself an inflatable girlfriend and you will have as much action as your dog.
DLBL 23
Three solid weeks of having your kids. How does the custodial parent survive?
poopface82 25
It’s a 50-50 arrangement that was front-loaded for more time with me. Wouldn’t be an issue except my son is special needs.