Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML
Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML
Today, I found my mom throwing my very expensive and important medication down the toilet. She thought I was doing drugs. FML
Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML
Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML
Today, my mum used her spare key to get into my flat and stole almost all my food. She claimed she did it for my health because I’m "getting a bit chubby." I weigh 12 stone while she weighs over 20, plus all my food was in her kitchen, except for the already empty packets in her bin. FML
Today, my mom and step-dad tore my room apart looking for the stash of drugs they thought I had. I've never touched drugs in my life, and I guess they believe me now. Didn't stop them from making me clean up the mess they made, though. FML
Today, my mother has taken her drug paranoia to a new level. She threw away an open but nearly full bag of dried mint because she's sure I emptied and refilled the bag with marijuana to hide it from her. She then tried to ground me in my own house in front of my wife and daughter. FML
Today, after my aunt died and left me everything, I found my heroin addict brother searching my house, demanding his share of the money. He thought I had it in cash, so I called the cops. Now our mom is mad at me because a good brother would have given him something. FML
Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML
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Top comments
memo619 0
this is priceless :P my mom accused me of being gay because I accidentally slapped her bf's ass xD
JenL_fml 7
Isn't heroin done through needles? o.O
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Comments (228)
kritz0 10
Stop doing crack! --Before anyone jumps down my throat...and so very obviously tells me it says heroin in the FML. Crack is also generally heated up in spoons. Eff off.
sofiaxxcreeper 0
...hmmmm ok
Blazingcrono 6
That's like saying onion rings and fries are the same because they were both deep fried... So no, she didn't do crack, she did (not) do heroin.
kritz0 10
No one....DID anything? Can you read? The OP was accused of doing heroin....because spoons were missing. A-C-C-U-S-E-D. I teased the OP and told them to stop doing crack....which is also something that could be heated up in a spoon. So I A-C-C-U-S-E-D in a way also. Are you retarded or illiterate...I cannot decide, enlighten me?
OneLittleAdditio 9
wow 14 did u not see that he had the word "not" in parentheses? I guess the question would be are YOU illiterate?
kritz0 10
Actually I did see the word not. But they also used the word didn't with crack. Wouldn't it be the SAME idea...the OP didn't do heroin either, their mother only accused them. Same as me accusing them of doing crack. Are you also illiterate? Please reread what I said a few times, slowly, if you did not understand.
Mach10 0
Word of advice, sweetie: If you have to justify a joke in the same sentence as making it, it probably isnt all that funny. However, making an ass of yourself while defending it vocally like a rabid chihuahua is good for a larff... Carry on!
kritz0 10
#28! You got it. Finally someone who understood. Lol.
kritz0 10
FYI #26. I had to justify it because I know most of my audience here are complete babbling idiots. I doubt I would have had to explain if I knew most people would have understood...but I made my joke anyways. I'm sure the people who got it on the first go found it FUNNY, in the least amusing. :)
Zebidee 9
******* hell Kritz - calm down.
JenL_fml 7
Actually, no, it really wasn't that funny. .-.
kritz0 10
I am calm. I'm pretty sure I sounded pretty calm in my last two responses. Why....don't you calm down first, lil' fella?
Blazingcrono 6
I used "didn't" with crack because the FML didn't say crack; you assumed I did to refer to your original post. I'm a bit sad to see that I can't be both illiterate (when I can read the FML and your comment) AND retarded (when I use punctuations and grammar). May I add that using retarded is politically incorrect? Unless you really do mean that I'm special :) Then thanks, but I wouldn't be on here anyways :D
kritz0 10
Yes, you are very special. Fyi, I've said my piece I found it a little amusing, obviously you didn't see the relation.
Blazingcrono 6
To each his/her own. Anyways, successful troll is successful.
GreatGeak 8
meh, I'm calling douche bag. @krits
kritz0 10
I'm calling idiot, for not being able to decipher from a s and z. "@Geak" What is a geak? >.
Penguinman909 7
It's a geek with a beak.
seanders 10
*grabs popcorn*. We have an epic FML battle brewing! Today's match is Illiterate Retard vs. Thundercunt! Hold on to your seats!:) And btw, if she's like the cookie monster maybe she was secretly cooking dough on the can.:p
kritz0 10
A new breed! Nice.
seanders 10
Yes beware the Geak. Not only is it intellectually superior but it can peck your ******* eyes out too!
realfigueroa 1
who the he'll heats up crack with a spoon
seanders 10
74: Blacks
realfigueroa 1
bahhh screw auto correct. I meant hell
realfigueroa 1
pretty sure they have crack pipes for that though
kritz0 10
Uhm.... Every fiending Crack addict I've ever known? Are you new?
kritz0 10
No..the Crack pipe is to smoke the end product. .... Are you serious? --Though newbies are sold crack straight up so I can see your view on this.
nerdsgetmehot 23
I'm just going to sit back and watch...I am that starved for entertainment at the moment.
realfigueroa 1
do u smoke crack? are you a crack baby?
jordanprodigy023 0
You're mom is crazy
kritz0 10
Your*
realfigueroa 1
^grammar ****^
HesJustTheBest 0
*^Grammar ****^.
cloudy01 0
^grammar nazi^
realfigueroa 1
^Grammar twat^ *sips on tea and adjusts monocle*
SouthernPride95 19
hahahahahaha
kritz0 10
C-c-c-combo breaker.
realfigueroa 1
c-c-c-c-****
_Itz_Meena_ 0
what exactly is a "combo breaker"?
kritz0 10
Awes.. Thanks.
HesJustTheBest 0
lol umad realfigueroa?
realfigueroa 1
lol nah just trollin
kritz0 10
You're not really doing a good job.
realfigueroa 1
awww tank u.
HesJustTheBest 0
Kritz, judging from your posts and your shrunken down avatar I thought you were a dude, but then I viewed your profile and realized I was horribly mistaken.
realfigueroa 1
^trollololololo^
kritz0 10
Awesome? I didn't know there were supposed to be gender roles assigned to response type. Should I be girly and pull in a few 'likes' and 'totally!' 's into my post?
HesJustTheBest 0
Take it as a compliment. What you suggested would be a surefire way to express your femininity, however it would damage your credibility entirely.
kritz0 10
-_-'
HesJustTheBest 0
¬_¬ Emoticons don't help either.
seanders 10
(_/) (="."=) ('')_('') bunny
seanders 10
(_/) (='.'=) (")_(") bunny 2:)
HesJustTheBest 0
Double Fail!
ifyouseekamy666 0
c-c-c-c-**** 2
nbk1405 0
c-c-c-c **** 3
iliketurdles 7
d-d-d-double c-c-c-combo-breaker!
extrovertical 0
potatoe
firecapez 4
waffles
tulsafml 0
C-C-C Combo breaker breaking combo breakers!!!
allyrox123 0
blue waffels.
emsiti 6
BOO <scared>
Prankster7o7 5
108, that's an awesome belt buckle.
natirixoxo 0
I'm sure the missing spoons weren't the only reason she asked you op, come now
cole86 0
just say I had a bad COUGH COUGH
tulsafml 0
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah I love you.
Adorlee 11
Nice status ball thingy
hobbsicle805 0
it's called a lava lamp you dumb bimbo
randomburger 7
No that's not a lava lamp dumbass
tyrecius 4
Niggas be trippin
jessaiee 17
Sounds like your mum might be the one on drugs, OP...
JenL_fml 7
Isn't heroin done through needles? o.O
kritz0 10
Heated up usually on a spoon...with water from a solid form. Uninformed much? But yes...it is usually done through a needle....but you can't really shoot up a solid...can ya?
Stixx55 2
yep
_Itz_Meena_ 0
uhm #8- not everyone knows how heroin is prepared.
bente123 6
why are you being so bitchy, sorry she does not do drugs and doesn't know everything about it..
kritz0 10
I would just rather be informed then make a dumbass/ignorant comment. I do not do drugs either. Google. It is there for a reason.
DocBastard 40
Kritz, don't jump down people's throats because they don't know how illegal drugs are prepared. That's just asinine. However, you seem to be very well informed about the subject of preparing injectible illicit drugs. Certainly your knowledge is obtained from watching movies, right? Right?
OneLittleAdditio 9
nobody likes you 21
kritz0 10
Movies? What such movies show anyone preparing heroin? Just because I said I do not do drugs, doesn't give you a history of, well, my own history? But I've found people who have never touched a illegal substance in their lives have even SOME knowledge of how harder drugs are prepared.
kinga08 0
25, actually many movies show people preparing heroin. It's been a while since I've seen it, but Requiem for a Dream is one. And almost everyone I know has seen that movie. Google it.
JenL_fml 7
Kritz, why the hell don't you just stop acting like a bitch? I asked a question because I didn't know. You don't have to go calling my comment ignorant just because I don't know how the hell people do heroin. Jeeze. Go get laid or something.
Tinman70 0
Kritz, why so hostile? this topic a sensitive one for you?
kritz0 10
I actually do believe I have seen that movie. Not that I remember it further than his mother buying back her TV. To my knowledge it wasn't very mainstream when I had seen it and I doubt it is now.
kritz0 10
JenL. Hunny, I wouldn't be 'naturally' immpregnated if I wasn't getting 'laid'. LOL. Kthx. ;)
JenL_fml 7
Oh, and I'm supposed to know that you're 'naturally' impregnated*, right? Sure...
kritz0 10
Obviously not? I wouldn't have had to mention it. Nor would you have told me to get laid initially if that were the case. Yes, I am over-explaining. You seem like you need it.
SARSvirus79 0
Sometimes when Doc owns people, I find it a little mean and unnecessary, but in this case, it was well-deserved. Seriously, Kritz, not to assume or anything, but if you're PMSing at the moment, it's probably not a great time to go on FML. You just end up looking like a tool. Unless, of course, you're not PMSing, in which case you really are just... y'know, a tool. Side note: I honestly can't tell if Kritz is poking her tongue out in that picture, or if that's her lip. Do I need my eyes checked?
kritz0 10
Maybe you do need your eyes checked? No I'm not PMS'ing. But I am hormonal. Awes...but thanks for calling me a tool? That is such a cool and brand NEW insult...My my my. LOL.
_Itz_Meena_ 0
64- I asked that too. :P 18- I hope you realize MOST people have better things to do than research how drugs are prepared. just saying. I get what you were saying and everything but there's no need to be harsh.
JenL_fml 7
Wow, Kritz, you're being so mature right now. Going around on FML and insulting people on their comments. You obviously have nothing better to do, but I will no longer be the one to give you anymore stupid entertainment. Good day, and good luck with your kid. I hope it doesn't turn out like you.
SARSvirus79 0
You're right. "Ignorant", "uninformed" and "dumbass" - these are much more original and witty.
DocBastard 40
Seriously Kritz, congratulations on the pregnancy and everything, but cut it out. I've seen probably a dozen posts from you today, and they're all either nasty or condescending or both. You're spreading more negative energy today than that goddamned Japanese nuclear power plant, so I think I speak for everyone (except you) when I respectfully request that you chill the **** out.
_Itz_Meena_ 0
64- I asked that too. 18- I hope you realize MOST people have better things to do than research how drugs are prepared. I get what you're saying and everything but there's no need to be harsh.
seanders 10
Wow this Kritz girl is worse than Hitler.
SARSvirus79 0
Damn my phone. Everyone replies so much faster than me. Jen has some good points, and 73, I'm glad it's not just me. For the second time today, I think Doc's comment says it all.
seanders 10
Kritz, with your personality the luckiest thing that could happen for your child is a miscarriage
_Itz_Meena_ 0
88- that's going way to far. /: even if she is being really bitchy.
kritz0 10
Lol. Oh yes and the luckiest thing about you today is going to be your shitty Karma. Go ahead and insult me as you much as you want, I've thrown around insults of my own. But to hope for me to miscarriage my child? That tops it all with the harshness. Aren't you just a cheery little chap today too, eh?
realfigueroa 1
eww who the **** would bone that???
_Itz_Meena_ 0
94- I'll be the first to admit, I'm ignorant about a lot of things, drugs included. I don't take it as an insult, it's the truth for me. but congrats about the baby. :)
anonymous595 0
yup bu to melt :-)
kritz0 10
Thank you. I did say a lot of things with bitchy intent. But then again...none of it warranted ANYONE to hope for me to miscarry my child.
_Itz_Meena_ 0
yeah true. hoping someone miscarries is straight up cruel!
STP907 8
You have to melt it on a spoon first to put it into the needle. Heroin usually comes in a powder like substance before you heat it. By turning it into a liquid you can inject it.
kritz0 10
You are so late on this explanation. But then again...most of the comments have been deleted.
instnt1nfction 17
you would know
JenL_fml 7
Thanks, 102. Glad to see that there are still people out there who share knowledge without being stuck up.
kritz0 10
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. hahahahahahahaha. You sound pretty stuck up right there, kiddo. Can you tell one of your minions again to tell me to miscarry my child? Yeah...I might have given you a "stuck-up" response but I didn't wish death on a human life. ;)
ohthebloodygore 16
102, not always. You could always mix it with water or acid(depends on what sort you're using) Could be heated up after to body temperature but for extreme addicts it usually isn't heated up. OP, I extremely doubt your mum just instantly accused you of drug use because spoons were missing. Is she also going to accuse you of drug use when all the aluminium is gone? You must have done something to make her so paranoid. If you haven't, then FYL.
TehGirreth 0
131, Look at 136 and become sad again.
florecitabetch 0
yeah agree with 136 if you didn't then she is really paranoid
wisericky 12
i use a plastic spork when i use herion, but thats just becuse my roommate is crazy about his silverwere.
sovetskiy 8
do you wanna shut up? at least 102 cares to educate himself before he speaks so he doesnt sound like an ignorant ass
sovetskiy 8
that was at 123 by the way...
JFox 8
No, she's probably just paranoid. My mom thought I was doing heroine once because, even though you're not suppose to put it on sensitive areas, I put IcyHot on my inner arm, because I considered the pain worse than the consequences. My arm was red for quite a while. That was all it took.. no evidence of puncture wounds, just redness. She also has accused me of asphyxiating myself multiple times, because I had a migraine. Yeah.. it was something she saw on the news.
hxcsimba 0
u cook the heroin on spoones with water before u injected it
godisnowhere41 5
it's not like the plastic would melt or anything...
memo619 0
this is priceless :P my mom accused me of being gay because I accidentally slapped her bf's ass xD
_Itz_Meena_ 0
hahaha!
i_love_grrr 0
lol
iFuxxkMyyLyfe 0
yeah, accidentally
brandonm14 0
^^ haha win
kennababy 0
hahaha
elainelovesyou 7
Haha!:D
calvin10 0
that IS gay..
justnbieber 0
LMFAO 59
GaryMuzz 4
what that shirt on I'm gonna say ydi
kylesp78 0
just 2 be honest u look gay with that sweater on and the Justin beiber hair cut.
chuksnwali 34
how was it accidental?
froob 0
rookie mistake, always return the tea spoons.
liveaboveit 1
lol goon!
TAHDOGG 0
says a lot about the mother ... rofl
wisericky 12
at least she didnt find the dead hooker.
rhpsfan9 10
lmao my mom always loses stuff and accuses other people for it but never assume it's drug use
A7X_LoVeee 10
LOLOLOL that was hilarious! /sarcasm
lillygreen024 0
if u were on heroin u would "use" heroin not "do" herion, lol ur moms an idiot
kritz0 10
Watch out...someone might jump down your throat for being so "knowledgeable" about drug use. OH MY! Bahahahaha.
olii_fml 0
..?
SoundnVasion 0
Way to look for the tiniest mistakes to call somebody an idiot.
lilody_fml 0
yeah I agree. I think it's quality the mum doesn't know "heroin" slang nor poster. people always over-analyse shit.
t1mmy_168 0
When writing you use "you" instead of "u"