Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'....

By babysitter - 26/3/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

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Kids

The student becomes the master

Everyone's an expert

This ain't working out

By annoyed - 22/1/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

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By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

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By i see fat people - 7/12/2012 21:10 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally felt motivated to do some exercise. As I got my weights out, I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone moving about outside my window. I got scared and dropped a weight on my foot. The person outside was my own reflection. FML

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By highschoolnobody - 23/6/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

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By Stressed dad - 18/7/2017 20:00

Today, my wife's water broke so I drove her to the hospital. After 16 hours without labor, I went home to get a little sleep. Four hours later I got the call and ran outside to find that my car was towed from my parking space. FML

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By thefuckedupbunny - 18/8/2019 20:00

Today, while on the train with my dad, my boyfriend sent me a message. It was a nude, and when I looked, my dad saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 17:20 - United States

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

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By drop dead single - 22/11/2014 13:44 - United States

Today, on our third date, my date tried to get me drunk and kept trying to touch me up. When I said he was moving too fast, he sighed and soon left. Just minutes later, he posted on Facebook saying "Just got friendzoned -_-". One of his friends commented: "I hate bitches, man." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2014 21:18 - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, I got rear-ended because my ultra-clingy girlfriend wouldn't let go of my hand long enough for me to shift gears. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

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By Overflow - 16/8/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I had to say "Put away your burrito," "that ruler is not a light saber," and "stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

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By Ottawa - 12/5/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

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By FML - 8/11/2009 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

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By day001313 - 7/4/2012 04:32 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:19 - Australia

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML

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By BadLuckLad - 22/10/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

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By ShayisPay101 - 15/2/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

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By Misskittygal14 - 16/11/2017 15:00

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

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By still sore - 12/10/2019 19:00

Relax!

Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML

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By larrythelobster - 11/2/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, one of my junior marines called to tell me they were in an accident that totaled both cars. The car he hit was parked in a nearby parking garage. It was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, I was giving myself a breast exam for lumps. I heard laughing, looked around and saw that the 12 year-old neighbor and his friends were watching through the window. FML

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By uuuuugh - 21/1/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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By xCZ75x - 13/6/2017 13:00 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML

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By fiery - 24/7/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By Marie Foster - 27/7/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my online therapist about my problems with relationships, mainly that guys only want sex and don't listen to me. After I'd confided in him, and told him how I felt about my issues, he told me he would marry me and have my children. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

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By User - 23/9/2013 17:53 - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

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By JackSteely - 22/12/2011 12:04

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By FriendsSuck - 6/7/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was leaving a cafe with some of my friends. I had to sit in the back by myself. I opened the door when I saw an old woman needing help getting to her car because it was raining. I shut the door and went to help. My friends thought I had gotten in. I was left in the rain with no phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

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By pubes - 18/3/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By brittrod - 5/12/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

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By OL2R - 17/4/2012 08:29 - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

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By :O - 5/4/2015 22:19 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my brother in law brought a dead rabbit to my nephew saying, "I found the Easter Bunny!" My nephew started crying hours ago and hasn't stopped. FML

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By Christen - 19/2/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML

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Top comments

By Melanie_fml | 0

#59604 - Thursday 26 March 2009 11:10

I'd have responded back, "and they have to have boobs, so I guess YOU won't be playing! Now let's play a rousing game of hide n' go seek...you go hide!"

And then I'd have started reading a book.

By Guiseppi | 0

#59583 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:13

You should have told her that she was adopted.

COMMENTS

By elpaso_fml | 0

#59581 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:12

thats horrible!!! f*** them

Theatregeek788 | 0

#965981 - Sunday 21 March 2010 23:37

thts mean theyre little kids!!

Youser | 0

#973198 - Friday 2 April 2010 20:48

this is funny

mypod66 | 0

#986290 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 15:40

beat them

Bertj | 5

#1021416 - Sunday 6 June 2010 11:28

Awwww xD

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1023565 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 5:43

Time to slap a hoe.... -.-

luv2fukem4ll | 0

#2312848 - Friday 8 April 2011 5:23

win:D

By Jimboom | 11

#59582 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:13

Tell them to go play in traffic. And if they won't tell them you will tell their parents that they were very bad and didn't listen to you.

By Guiseppi | 0

#59583 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:13

You should have told her that she was adopted.

GiddyXD | 0

#1023238 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 0:06

haha then it would be silent! then you say "pwned."

AkDreamer5 | 0

#1731769 - Monday 22 November 2010 0:08

awesome:) eff thoes little girls, tell them that they can't be mermaids eather because mermaids are pretty.

By JeremyU | 0

#59584 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:16

Sorry, but that is hilarious...

By ohboyscott | 0

#59585 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:20

#3 LOL

By Colosphe | 0

#59588 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:23

In before "Don't be so ugly"

Seriously, wow. Well, innocence is a short step away from cruelty.

By Amkii | 0

#59595 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:36

Haha.... burn.

I agree with #3!

By shalvius | 3

#59598 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:42

By secretish | 0

#59602 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:50

In your face! haha...definitely FYL

By Melanie_fml | 0

#59604 - Thursday 26 March 2009 11:10

I'd have responded back, "and they have to have boobs, so I guess YOU won't be playing! Now let's play a rousing game of hide n' go seek...you go hide!"

And then I'd have started reading a book.