By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

You did ask…

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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Sorry…

Triage

8 out of 10 orthopedists

By Welshite - United States

Today, my coworkers continued their new favorite game: staring at me in total unnerving silence. I can't help but be reminded of serial killers. FML

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By ClearOne - United States

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

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By PrinceJ

Today, my girlfriend's homophobic cousin claimed she saw me making out with my gay friend in public. I was home alone all day, but my girlfriend is crying and unconvinced. FML

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By moobysrocks - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML

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By feelsbadman

Today, I decided to surprise my crush by wishing her happy birthday when she came out of the lift. Too bad she was busy giving someone a blow job and didn’t notice me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Can't buy me love

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

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By MouseChaser - United States

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

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By Lordy - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

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By TheComedyAudio

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

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By Lies - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had started dating changed her Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". Naturally, I changed mine too. The next time I logged on, she had commented, "Really?! Who?!" She was serious. FML

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By :| - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML

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By this is impossible - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

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By samabomination - United States - Monroeville

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Eat the rich

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

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By no - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

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By notyouraverage

Today, I was doing a PowerPoint presentation in front of my whole class, when I accidentally clicked on the folder that has zillions of pictures of my crush. He's one of my classmates. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By jshsnan - United States - San Francisco

Today, while trying to calm down my four-year-old son who had a tantrum in a store, a man walked up to me and said, "You couldn't have worn the condom?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

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By Helpful Smile - United States - Bettendorf

Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By varunet2004 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

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By sadguy - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

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By notgreg - United States

Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2021 21:59 - United States - Crystal City

TMI

Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

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By Blue_Heart - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By vampyrate3562 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to run for the train, but because of my bad foot and limping they held the train, much to people's displeasure. No one let me sit down, so for the 20 minute journey, I stood. With a bad foot. FML

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By Christopher - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

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By MeepMeep

Meep Meep

Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that road runners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

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By child - United States - Avon

Today, my mom was driving with my brothers and sister in the back seat. She was turned around talking to us, when my sister told my mom that she missed the light. She ran it, then screamed at us about not paying attention and noticing your surroundings. FML

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By K123 - United States

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend telling me he still likes me and might love me too. Later I asked him if he really meant it and his response was "I don't know. I was high." FML

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Top comments

By val_159 | 1

#4376636 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:11

That kid's gonna grow up to be a fireman. I can tell.

By TarieBoo | 2

#4376635 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:11

so they no longer teach stop drop & roll ehh?

COMMENTS

By harrystylesfan69 | 5

#4376634 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:10

Kids just do the cutest things....

Reply

herrobear | 0

#4376936 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 9:46

Got pushed to the floor by an 8 year old, ayy? YDI.

Reply

porp1 | 4

#4377359 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 13:07

Why do they worry about fires, as every kid already has a cold heart.

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4377479 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 13:55

Your picture is just the cutest thing!

Reply

SuperKnuckels | 6

#4378237 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 18:12

ah, the boy was taught well. xD

Reply

shawnroche | 0

#4378400 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 18:56

Faggot

Reply

alychick | 5

#4379880 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 2:23

He probably didn't know he was gonna push him to the ground so he was unprepared

Reply

Rowdey | 10

#4405756 - Tuesday 8 May 2012 5:24

57 - Ditto..

By TarieBoo | 2

#4376635 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:11

so they no longer teach stop drop & roll ehh?

Reply

br0ccoli | 14

#4376677 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:22

That's if you're on fire. If you're in a burning house, stop drop and rolling, you're going to die.

He should definitely run first and THEN stop, drop and roll.

Reply

geerod22 | 5

#4379072 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 23:01

It's actually a new 3 step process taught in schools.
1. Stop
2. Drop anyone in sight.
3. Roll out.

Reply

IcedJesus | 5

#4380496 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 5:52

This deserves so many more likes.

By val_159 | 1

#4376636 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:11

That kid's gonna grow up to be a fireman. I can tell.

Reply

daisyismydog | 3

#4376703 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:30

Or an arsonist..

Reply

RyNo24 | 4

#4378757 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 20:51

Firemen run into the burning building, not out :p

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#5976914 - Monday 16 June 2014 1:25

@72 - Oh yeah? What do you know? *looks at profile picture* Oh wait...

By xxmuzicfreakxx | 5

#4376638 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:12

Gotta save yourself first.

Reply

daisyismydog | 3

#4376694 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:28

Wrong comment. Dammit now everyone is gonna hate on me.

Reply

DespairFaction | 11

#4376727 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:41

Darwinism's survival of the fittest in action.

Reply

happle | 21

#4376815 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:56

My mom always said you have to take care of yourself before you take care of others.

By sixsixSICNESS | 0

#4376640 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:12

That kid deserves a high five!

By Eila1996 | 5

#4376641 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:13

The teachers at his school must be stupid. Cause they are definitely teaching him wrong!

Reply

elliotb94 | 9

#4376951 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 9:55

If he is an 8 year old kid what do you expect him to do during a fire?

Reply

elliotb94 | 9

#4376957 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 9:57

He is an 8 year old kid he couldn't be expected to do much else during a fire.

Reply

TheZee | 12

#4377032 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 10:39

Lmfao! Did you just ask a question and answer yourself o_O?

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4376645 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:14

he already knows what most of us grownups do. every man for himself

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#4376649 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:16

What a smart kid.

Reply

PamChopsWithMint | 5

#4376848 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 9:02

I regret clicking on you

Reply

shawnroche | 0

#4378409 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 18:58

I don't what a faggot

Reply

wholikesbacon | 9

#5293884 - Saturday 29 December 2012 22:54

Same

By jtthegr8 | 26

#4376651 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:16

At least he has the "every man for himself" part of life down

By IchimaruGin | 5

#4376654 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:17

At least you know to stay away from that kid whenever you smell smoke.