Miscellaneous: Today, my parents decided on my punishment for failing an English...

By sockmonkey - United States - Corona

Today, my parents decided on my punishment for failing an English test. No deodorant for a week. They think they're so hilarious, they told all their friends and now it's all over Facebook. FML

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Miscellaneous

Kids

Do as I say, not as I do

The ole answer/forward conundrum

By xxx - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

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By sstahpp - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By BodyElectric

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

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By thenegatives - United States - Mckeesport

Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML

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By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Freudian slip

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

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By depressednupset - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By pink_cupcakes - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

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By Anon - 19/10/2020 07:57 - United States

Feelings

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend's apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was "immature" and he wants an "adult" relationship. FML

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By adamwilcockson - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML

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By SailorVenus93

Giddy approval!

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gloucester

Thanks Karen

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild allergic reaction from eating pasta salad. I told my mom that I might be allergic to the parsley, since it was the only ingredient that I don't eat often. She made me eat a sprig of it to "make sure." Now my face is covered in hives. FML

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By Hank - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

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By al - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

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By Stupid - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have replace my $120 calculator. FML

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By thedri11 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

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By ewwww - United States

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

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By Jusawkward - United States

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

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By Shrimpy

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 08:08

Thanks, Marley

Today, I made sure my puppy went number 1 and 2 before taking them into a pet-friendly store. In the store, two ladies awed at my puppy, but as I picked him up I didn't notice he'd shat on the floor until they pointed it out, giving me a dirty look. Other customers glared as I picked up his smeared shit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home with tears in his eyes. I ran and asked him why he was crying. He said he wasn't, but he finally admitting to talking to a woman in a bar who, when she noticed his wedding ring, sprayed him with mace. FML

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By mszoe - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

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By beriles - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

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By otherdad?

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

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By f_n_fail - United States

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

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By Anonymous

Checked out

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

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By ally - 23/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Austin

We could be heroes…

Today, I was changing a wound bandage on one of my patient’s buttocks. I forgot to initial and date the bandage per hospital regulation. As I kneeled in to write, the patient let out the biggest loudest fart directly in my face. The worst part? Some of it sprayed out, some on my face. FML

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By yikes :/

Today, the cute coworker who's been flirting with me drove me home. While I was contemplating asking him to kiss me, he politely told me to, "Please get out, I promised my girlfriend I'd pick her up." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

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By Crud - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

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31848

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By aisbash - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Orange

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By beautifulme - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

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By got got - 30/1/2020 14:00

Great help

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

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Top comments

By Roxxxxay | 13

#4376730 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:42

Well isn't it nice when parents act like immature teens. FYL OP!

By daisyismydog | 3

#4376734 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:42

You can just take a bunch of showers or buy your own deoderant. Problem diverted.

COMMENTS

By TarieBoo | 2

#4376728 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:42

buy dove perfume

happle | 21

#4376800 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:54

Dove is the shit. I barely need any to smell amazing.

sola123 | 0

#4376818 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:56

I used to sweat a lot until I took a dove to the armpit.

ClassyCommando | 13

#4376867 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 9:06

Real men heat a metal spoon red-hot over a fire and use it to fuse their underarms into one poreless, solid piece. Wait, actually real men just let themselves stink.

dreamcatcher11 | 4

#4376901 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 9:29

OP is a woman though..

RussianFox | 13

#4377405 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 13:22

35- The thought of that made me cringe.I guess I'm not a real man... Or cat for that matter.

jessicaazzzzzzzz | 3

#4377881 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:16

Or she could just buy dove deodorant, wipe it off before coming home if necessary.

aruam365 | 24

#4378008 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:47

She could be too young to drive, so it would be difficult to buy it on her own.

Zomg_Okay | 26

#4378146 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 17:30

107 - Unless OP lives in the middle of nowhere, she could walk.

DAN7IEL | 2

#4379121 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 23:21

Or she could borrow some from a friend? She obviously goes to school do she would see them every day and could wipe it off before she got home?

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4380198 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 4:06

111- what, you think everyone lives within walking distance from everything? The nearest pharmacy to my house would take me 3 hours to walk there.

Zomg_Okay | 26

#4381813 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 14:46

No, I don't think that, 157. Hence why I said "Unless OP lives in the middle of nowhere".

By Roxxxxay | 13

#4376730 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:42

Well isn't it nice when parents act like immature teens. FYL OP!

courtz94 | 24

#4376821 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:56

Agreed!

KiRaKaT | 9

#4377650 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 15:03

Since they are acting so immature, rub your sweaty armpits in their faces OP! That will solve the problem of them taking your deodorant away and make them shut up

Drigr | 9

#4377711 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 15:25

I think it is the most creative punishment I've ever heard. Not only that, i bet it works better than the typical: no outside, no tv, no cell phone, no computer, no xbox.

cheaptrix | 6

#4379955 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 2:47

It's more of a punishment for anyone who has to interact with OP

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4386609 - Thursday 3 May 2012 14:34

153 the parents are taking one for the team.

mikepzz | 27

#6203242 - Sunday 15 February 2015 13:27

As punishment to the parents she should not shower for that week, and every day wipe their pillows into her arm pits lol

By Timbo05 | 4

#4376732 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:42

Try studying

tbenson0628 | 14

#4377458 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 13:48

yup. i agree

thiscrazything | 1

#4377490 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 14:03

Yes, study, and then go buy some deodorant.

SkyBirdy | 5

#4379265 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:18

#3....how. Dare you??

max_wilder | 9

#4380226 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 4:15

No deodorant in your gym locker?

hayleyjames | 0

#4381846 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:04

Try getting parents that arent complete fuck heads, and study, English is easier than a lot of other subjects

By daisyismydog | 3

#4376734 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:42

You can just take a bunch of showers or buy your own deoderant. Problem diverted.

daisyismydog | 3

#4376764 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:46

*deodorant

daisyismydog | 3

#4376791 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:51

I corrected myself haha

esines | 9

#4377574 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 14:38

YourLocalPeado? That's a fucked up name

Alexisthebestest | 16

#4388953 - Friday 4 May 2012 2:35

They sell deodorant at the dollar tree...for a dollar.

By CheckItOutItsYou | 7

#4376736 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:43

Buy your own deodorant, screw that

By UsernameHere234 | 13

#4376737 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 8:43

let's all hope you don't live in like Cali or something. But if you have a shower in the morning use lots of soap and live in a not too hot place you should do fine

PamChopsWithMint | 5

#4376838 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 9:00

It rained all up and down "Cali" today.

SimplyAmazingx | 11

#4377351 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 13:01

It clearly says California at the top..

laden_swallow09 | 34

#4377558 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 14:32

"And live in a not too hot place"? Yeah, that's real simple. NOT!

michellenKG | 5

#4377829 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 15:57

i live in california and theres no rain.,,,

igive | 28

#4377920 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 16:25

i live in California and it rained.

LO388 | 7

#4379033 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 22:37

I don't live in california and it rained.

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#4379050 - Tuesday 1 May 2012 22:51

6- It's amazing how much fail you could throw in one message. OP lives in Cali (clearly stated) and OP, unlike u I hope, is not an idiot to change locations for a freakin deodorant!