By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 11:02

Worst threesome ever

Today, I finally got pulled into a threesome with the girl I've loved for years and another friend. She led the interaction with, "You only get to touch her" then, "I just wish [her ex] was here" and finished with, "OK, it's weird with you here, you can just go." FML

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Commando

Our house, in the middle of our street

Leave me out of it

By Noname - United States

Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML

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By absentmindedmoron - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Grange

Today, I wanted to pretend to have a seizure so my baby sister could know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she decided to drink my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

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By Madzison - Australia

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML

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By Luke - United States - San Antonio

Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01

Geyser Söze

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

No joking please

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked, "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

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By fmyarse - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By Boyufd

Today, knowing that I have severe arachnophobia, my brother brought over his friend's tarantula. One hour later, the spider got loose. It's been 5 hours and I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By they've been broken up for a year. - United States - Dallas

Today, my girlfriend of 6 months yelled at me for not comforting her while she was crying because her ex got a new girlfriend, and "it's just not fair." FML

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By A - United States

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the face of Billy, the puppet from Saw, staring down at me. I was so scared, I wet myself instantly. It was my cousin in a mask, who is staying over for Thanksgiving weekend. FML

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By buggedout - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

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By gordy1220 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

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By Disturbed - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 20:02

AT&Twat

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his best friend that the only reason he likes to sleep over at my house is for the sex and the fast internet. FML

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By CiaoBella

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML

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By ihatepokemon - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

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By klynn267 - United States - Portland

Today, I switched cell phone service providers, hoping to upgrade. After working out the details and picking a phone in the store, I got home to find my brand new cell can't get a signal in my house. I already signed the two year contract. FML

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By vey - China - Beijing

Today, and for the third time this week, I found a pubic hair in my soup. I'm currently bed-ridden and can't afford to piss off my boyfriend by complaining. FML

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By vanessa560 - Canada

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. FML

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By MelanieP - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

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By spanishteach - United States

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

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By TraumatizedMother - United States

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

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By thatgirl17 - United States

Today, I was working the cash register. While helping a customer with her groceries, my bra snapped. I then had to ask my male boss if I could staple it back together. Thirty minutes later it snapped again. I then had to explain to my boss that I was too broke to buy a new one. FML

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By tatortot7707 - United States

Today, when I went to pick my kid up from daycare, I found out that he had run away. The rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name, looking for him. I then returned to the daycare center. He thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash. FML

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By julian

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By MathTeacher - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, I discovered that the ancient looking coin I dug up in my front yard is worth hundreds of dollars. Too bad I found that coin when I was eight years old, and have since misplaced it. FML

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By Racked - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML

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By Harry641 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

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By Bortenssen - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the optometrist for him to buy contact lenses for the first time. He said the detail was much better than glasses. I excitedly asked him if he could see my freckles better now, and after a long and disappointed look at my face, he said "Nope, just more acne." FML

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By Anonymous

Money Money Money

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

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Top comments

By juggalo2 | 15

#7976404 - Saturday 6 March 2021 13:06

Sounds like you're an obsessive resident of the "friend-zone". The fact is she doesn't like you, and will never see you as a romantic partner. She knows you and your feelings well, and is actively and openly rejecting you. Why haven't you gotten the message yet?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7976435 - Saturday 6 March 2021 15:52

"I wish [her ex] *were* here." She should have used the subjunctive mood.

Grammar corrections during sex make women hotter. Trust me on this one ;)

COMMENTS

By juggalo2 | 15

#7976404 - Saturday 6 March 2021 13:06

Sounds like you're an obsessive resident of the "friend-zone". The fact is she doesn't like you, and will never see you as a romantic partner. She knows you and your feelings well, and is actively and openly rejecting you. Why haven't you gotten the message yet?

Reply

QueenSaru | 28

#7976484 - Saturday 6 March 2021 19:48

To be fair... inviting someone to participate in a threesome is a pretty big mixed message... This isn't just OP getting told, "Look we'll never be more than friends!" and continuing to push a matter.

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7976817 - Monday 8 March 2021 4:54

Yeah, mixed messages is exactly what the friendzone is all about.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7976435 - Saturday 6 March 2021 15:52

"I wish [her ex] *were* here." She should have used the subjunctive mood.

Grammar corrections during sex make women hotter. Trust me on this one ;)

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 33

#7976592 - Sunday 7 March 2021 9:47

English degree holder here. Probably would.

By Chazzster | 20

#7976534 - Sunday 7 March 2021 0:20

Life seems to prove it over and over - Despite all prior intentions 3 is an unstable number in human relationships. Inevitably somebody feels left out or threatened. Some people can manage it, I guess, but most cannot.