Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answered, "Well, you don't kiss me often either." Now she keeps kissing me. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, desperate for some affection from my cold, frigid wife, I lied and said we had an attractive new girl joining our department. Without looking up, she said, "You guys can fuck, I don't care, just be discreet." Stick a fork in this marriage, it's done. FML
Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML
Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML
Today, I was stuck with a coworker all morning while she had the "front farts." I moved to a different area after lunch, only to have another coworker start talking loudly about her boyfriend's skin tags, and how he likes to have her bite them off. I'm so disgusted but afraid to report it. FML
Today, I went on a date with an amazing girl. The date was going well, until she started eating. Although her mouth was closed the entire time, she somehow still made the loudest, most disgusting chewing noises I’ve ever heard. I felt bad about dumping her over that, but I just couldn’t continue. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
RobinGoodfellow 47
Why would you say she's "very nice" and then ask that she doesn't kill you? Be reasonable.
tony1891 22
at least she could keep you warm while you're stuck inside.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (70)
unidentifieduser 23
For your safety, I would suggest just going with it.
mfmylifesrsly 30
If he went along with it, I could see her trying to make sexual advances that he couldn't escape D:
izzie321 27
What state? I'll rescue you in a plow.
zykrithium 22
#55 is thirsty
tantanpanda 26
For some water, right?! I can see the dehydration in her picture!
tony1891 22
at least she could keep you warm while you're stuck inside.
Marcella1016 32
...feel like a perv for immediately seeing the pervy connotations of this comment. Giggity?
RyWillieMitch 16
If the power goes out and it gets cold, OP could Han Solo her. And he thought she smelled bad on the outside.
kirbs19 37
Wonder where OP is stuck...
Freda92 12
Yuck! Hahaha
RobinGoodfellow 47
Why would you say she's "very nice" and then ask that she doesn't kill you? Be reasonable.
xladylarienx 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I think it's safe to say OP meant for readers not to kill him in the comments for not wanting to date an ugly, smelly, toothless, fat lady.
RobinGoodfellow 47
I disagree, I don't think that's a safe assumption to make. More likely he thinks she's crazy and will do something drastic if he attempts to ward off any advances she may make. Either don't say "don't kill me" or don't say she's "very nice," it's pretty simple.
poorjudgement 26
OP actually does ask from us not to hit too many times YDI button, and not to "burry" him in our comments. He said she is very nice, as a person, but he couldn't stand dating someone who looks and/or smells like her.
born_hustla 26
Nice people do kill!
Zebediabolical 45
Because she's reading over his shoulder as he posts. Like people who are dating do all the time.
FieldLeftBlank 20
Well, don't sociopaths create the illusion of fitting into society by appearing to be nice and personable? Have fun, OP.
henrylikestreats 22
Seriously, how did this even get published? It's horribly written and not thought out at all.
Buhhhlainaaaa 16
In lots of scary movies, the killer seems like a very nice person who "feels like they're dating" the victim. Then when the feeling isn't mutual, they get angry and attack.
persianjr 15
Looks like your gonna need a cuddle buddy so just nod and smile for now and then make a break for it ASAP
starile 20
You don't normally date people while stuck in the middle of a blizzard, OP?
Zebediabolical 45
It worked out for the people in the movie Two Night Stand!
brunettegirl224 4
Well that stinks..
Kazze 31
Literally.
Kazze 31
... Have you ever written a comment and then regretted it later? I have.
cakefete2 31
Be nice to her. If the power goes out, you're going to need someone to help keep you warm.
Jared900DUmpling 30
Then she peels off her skin to reveal a beautiful woman underneath. She was testing to see if you cared about personality or looks. Nah who am I kidding get away from that ogre.
cakefete2 31
Has Shrek taught you nothing?
15Erik 21
"This is my Swamp!" Shrek is love. Shrek is life.
RyWillieMitch 16
It's all Ogre now
laden_swallow09 35
Yeah. Fat, ugly, smelly, green people are insufferable narcissists.
Jared900DUmpling 30
Jeez I thought for sure that my comment would get disliked to hell
buckdharma 38
You'll need a bag and a cloths pin.
15Erik 21
Brace yourself, Winter is coming.