Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answered, "Well, you don't kiss me often either." Now she keeps kissing me. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, desperate for some affection from my cold, frigid wife, I lied and said we had an attractive new girl joining our department. Without looking up, she said, "You guys can fuck, I don't care, just be discreet." Stick a fork in this marriage, it's done. FML
Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML
Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML
Today, I was stuck with a coworker all morning while she had the "front farts." I moved to a different area after lunch, only to have another coworker start talking loudly about her boyfriend's skin tags, and how he likes to have her bite them off. I'm so disgusted but afraid to report it. FML
Today, I went on a date with an amazing girl. The date was going well, until she started eating. Although her mouth was closed the entire time, she somehow still made the loudest, most disgusting chewing noises I’ve ever heard. I felt bad about dumping her over that, but I just couldn’t continue. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML
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Top comments
RobinGoodfellow 47
Why would you say she's "very nice" and then ask that she doesn't kill you? Be reasonable.
tony1891 22
at least she could keep you warm while you're stuck inside.
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Comments (70)
collinchildress 12
OP, just for clarification, who is this ugly robust woman, and why and where are you stuck with her?
MrConcise 35
Honey Boo Boo's mom, and because he thought living was worth going through the real-life version of Misery.
chrishaaansen 13
rumor has it your the fugly one ...
Joshawott 21
"Not really, considering that I'm gay and all" Something like that shoots them straight right away.
calamityjanedoe 2
C'mon, OP. You were indoors with a nice but unattractive woman. The end. No need to be a drama queen.
limabeans101029 21
I see you failed to mention the continuous "it feels like we're dating" part. That bit sounds rather annoying
BDA_fml 5
Toothless isn't always a bad thing!
billboob 21
Toothless you say! Break out the gummy bears! You'll be in heaven!
Spadoinkle 10
I'm sorry, but that's hilarious. I hope you can get out of there soon, OP. Good luck.
yerawizardlizzy 27
Where exactly are you???
azarel88 11
Bro. run and keep running. don't stop til you know the beast no longer has your scent.
verysmarmy 11
What is it with all the 'snowed in' FMLs recently? Is the US experiencing a problem snow-wise at the moment.
verysmarmy 11
Hi, me, I think you lost this - ?
KenielX 7
Currently, the Northeastern United States is having a huge snowstorm, which is why there's a lot of snowed in FMLs. ^^