Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answered, "Well, you don't kiss me often either." Now she keeps kissing me. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, desperate for some affection from my cold, frigid wife, I lied and said we had an attractive new girl joining our department. Without looking up, she said, "You guys can fuck, I don't care, just be discreet." Stick a fork in this marriage, it's done. FML
Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML
Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML
Today, I was stuck with a coworker all morning while she had the "front farts." I moved to a different area after lunch, only to have another coworker start talking loudly about her boyfriend's skin tags, and how he likes to have her bite them off. I'm so disgusted but afraid to report it. FML
Today, I went on a date with an amazing girl. The date was going well, until she started eating. Although her mouth was closed the entire time, she somehow still made the loudest, most disgusting chewing noises I’ve ever heard. I felt bad about dumping her over that, but I just couldn’t continue. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML
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Top comments
RobinGoodfellow 47
Why would you say she's "very nice" and then ask that she doesn't kill you? Be reasonable.
tony1891 22
at least she could keep you warm while you're stuck inside.
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Comments (70)
moomimamoo 24
You'll live :D
jesuis_julie 21
Lol go along with it until the blizzard goes away.
MRP360 14
get her some dentures as payment for her outstanding company :)
GrimShade 3
And thus she became The sexless innkeeper
johnbutsy 6
What time did you depart her? Toothurty?
Yummyhorehay 4
Thats where having a good deaf person act comes in handy
mjnelson 7
But... I'm your biggest fan.
luvelygirl06 10
hit it and quit it. big ones do more things lol but don't forget the flour
buckstop1 37
No.
sneeuwbal 6
This needs a follow-up. OP, you still alive? All seriousness aside, imagine if you were dating, I mean, she got no teeth, like, that's an advantage!
pedinhuh 23
Dude...
HairIsEverything 15
No.
buckdharma 38
As the feet of snow start to add up she will become more and more attractive. Then lie to your friends that she was a looker.