Flirting Advice: Breaking the Ice

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

Dangling modifier

Billy no-mates

KoBabe

By hunterjumper1212 - 24/5/2012 07:41 - United States - San Rafael

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Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2016 14:10 - Serbia - Pancevo

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

By puggles - 3/1/2011 06:52 - United States

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Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

By jj - 7/11/2014 05:47 - Australia - Windermere Park

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Today, I shat a magnet. FML

By mimi - 27/9/2011 02:51 - United States

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Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 01:03 - France

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Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

By dayum - 10/12/2009 21:03 - Mexico

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Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML

By sirttocs - 14/5/2019 00:00

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Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 20:36

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Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

By mystermoon - 25/6/2019 16:00

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Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

By sometingwong - 1/12/2011 20:32 - United States

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Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

By sexisdead - 31/7/2016 17:16

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Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

By NoPeeGiven - 14/4/2013 05:10 - United States - Palatine

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Today, my 18-year-old son got his first tattoo. I would have loved it, if it wasn't a text on his hand with a glaring spelling mistake in it. FML

By Tise81 - 22/6/2019 14:00 - Netherlands - Drachten

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Today, I went on a date at the park. Have you ever felt dozens of ants swarming up your legs and back? I have now. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2016 11:37 - Australia

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Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

By eggs - 28/2/2009 06:30 - Canada

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Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

By Anonymous - 31/3/2015 03:52 - Netherlands - Utrecht

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Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

By Sigh - 13/9/2009 12:42 - Australia

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Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

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Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 14:29 - United States

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Today, I realized that the guy I've been sending anonymous, dirty emails to knows who I am. My signature, which includes my full name, was automatically added to the end of every email. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2011 01:10 - United States

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Today, I understand the finer points of the government in Star Wars better than I understand the U.S. government. FML

By nerd - 19/11/2016 19:52

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Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML

By Danou - 28/3/2011 13:51 - France

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Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

By coco1234 - 9/3/2020 12:35

Brain melt

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Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 22:29 - United States

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Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

By cheaters_should_die - 18/12/2009 14:31 - United States

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Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

By BarbieKen - 14/6/2009 04:14 - United States

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Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

By Nicole - 20/2/2012 01:14 - United States

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Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 20:08 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

By drunkdial - 6/1/2010 05:53 - France

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Today, on my way to my job interview, the man who was supposed to be interviewing me slammed into my car because he wasn’t paying attention. He fired me for raising his insurance premiums. I got fired before getting the job. FML

By Nojob - 6/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Bronx

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Today, a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny little leather bracelet with little silver hearts and several snaps that I'd found in a head shop is actually a cock ring. I'm a girl. FML

By fashionVictim - 8/3/2009 20:35 - United States

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Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 20:00

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Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

By markymark - 17/5/2011 17:36 - United States

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Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - 12/10/2012 09:27 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

By somuchforthat - 19/2/2010 07:38 - Australia

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Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

By Yeoman - 19/11/2011 07:47 - New Zealand

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Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 19:32 - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

By illequipt - 16/3/2009 03:20 - Canada

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Today, my husband brought me breakfast in bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and love him even more for the thought. But the only problem with breakfast in bed is that you have to eat what they bring you, even if it's bad. FML

By B.B - 7/10/2016 14:03 - United States - New York

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