Miscellaneous: Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his abnormally high loft bed. Luckily, there was a table and 3 shot glasses to break my fall. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Contact tracing

Serial killer

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

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By massachusettsan - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

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By deathbysnoosnoo - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

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By outofluckatcollege - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

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By supertango500 - United States

Today, I figured I needed to clean my room. I ended up finding my $135 calculator that I'd accused my ex-boyfriend of selling for gas money. That's also the reason I dumped him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

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By Lonely626

Today, while talking with a coworker, we discussed a weekend home invasion scenario. It was then that I realized my social circle is so non-existent, that my job would notice I'm gone before my friends would. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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By Julia - United States

Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the bank for me since birth has all been spent, by my mother who I haven't seen or talked to in about two years. FML

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By pubemilkshake - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By mugged - Germany

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

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By DeeElleGee - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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By Vincent - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

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By nightDREAMERms - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

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By britanyann - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML

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27420

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

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By idontwanttoknow - United States

Today, I heard my roommate moaning my name in the shower. FML

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By unwantedlove - France

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

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By random - United Kingdom

Comforter

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I finally had the confidence to show my girlfriend my hairy chest/stomach. I'm very self conscious about it, and get embarrassed easily. She said I looked disgusting, called me Chewbacca and broke up with me on the spot. FML

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By Username

Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By Stalked - United States

Today, I and a policeman confronted my psychotic neighbor who stole my cat because she thinks flea bites cause cancer. She refused to tell us what she'd done with the cat. I just spent $100 last month in vet bills, and my kids are crying for their pet. He's probably in pieces in her freezer. FML

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By eakthegeek - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By sisterlylove - United States - Hannibal

Today, I found three of my sister's dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house. Jokingly, I said, "Why would you even need three?!" She actually explained. FML

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By Numb - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

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By pierced. - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

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49761

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By thisshtissad

Travel away from the sadness

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

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By shtzbutnogiggles - United States

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

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By K.H - Sweden

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was lying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat's leg. I'm far-sighted and wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat's anus. It started wiggling. FML

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By andrie09 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at my engagement party, I overheard my future father-in-law saying he was happy his son was marrying "the dumb, pretty one" because all the "smart ones" he dated at university were "nerds with small tits." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, is Christmas day. Normally, I'd spend it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 22:49 - Canada - Toronto

Classic canine move

Today, I was walking my dog when another dog barked at him. My dog ran, pulling me with him. I fell to the ground in pain, with my hand still holding the leash. FML

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By gahdamnit - Australia

Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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Top comments

By amy397123 | 0

#711529 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:18

Was it necessary to mention that he was your "Guy friend"?

By SenGaeriel | 3

#711444 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:12

Ouch

COMMENTS

By SenGaeriel | 3

#711444 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:12

Ouch

7revelation7 | 0

#1153037 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 19:13

it's totally like "the kick" in inception, the falling sensation made you wake up! Reason for fall? Shot glasses

6tori6 | 5

#3550031 - Sunday 6 November 2011 15:54

pfft...."guy friend".

ygdrassil | 17

#3997592 - Monday 6 February 2012 1:05

You, a girl, slept in the bed of your guy friend? Awkward.

By Yaggi | 0

#711449 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:22

oucchh that sucks

By Ancients | 8

#711450 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:24

Ouch!

By foxconn2432 | 0

#711493 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 11:04

why is this in the intimacy category?

abciseasyas123 | 0

#711518 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 11:58

it's in misc on my phone atleast. they only way this would qualify for the intamcy category is if 'guy friend' was code for f*ck buddy...which we all know it probably does.

abciseasyas123 | 0

#711524 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:04

intimacy* oops

By amy397123 | 0

#711529 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:18

Was it necessary to mention that he was your "Guy friend"?

SmokinGuns | 13

#5796489 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 5:03

Atleast mobile users know it's a girl now. I've never heard a guy say "I was chilling playing some CoD with my guy friends."

By Erindub | 0

#711568 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 13:02

Luckily?? Ok then you ought to be good to go then huh?!

By Creeper09 | 0

#711640 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 14:56

OWWWW!!!!

By LatinoHeat | 0

#711656 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:12

Why are you complaining? Clay Aiken would have went through the table, stood up and roundhoused your guy friend for not putting more shotglasses on the table.

BloodShard | 0

#711675 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:28

You really need to get over your Clay Aiken obsession. Commenting something about Clay Aiken on every single post does not make you funny.

SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#711689 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:43

He's just trollin'.
Also, wtf, #10, Clay Aiken does not roundhouse kick, that's Chuck Norris' thing. Pshh.

LatinoHeat | 0

#711976 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 19:54

I have seen the YouTube videos of Clay Aiken performing roundhouse kicks. It is truly an awesome sight...go search for them yourselves and see what I have seen with your own eyes.

By JassyJas | 2

#711690 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:44

@LatinoHeat
the whole Clay Aiken thing mightve been funny on the first post you did it on but not on the what,6th?
OP Fyl that mustve hurt!!

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#711704 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 16:06

Please don't feed the troll.

By icanspellgud | 0

#711736 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 16:38

ily clay aiken troll :3