Miscellaneous: Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his abnormally high loft bed. Luckily, there was a table and 3 shot glasses to break my fall. FML

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Miscellaneous

Car Wars

Sister of the year

Persona non grata

By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, after finishing a song during karaoke, a man came up to me and held out his hand. Quite flattered, I shook it, said thanks and that I was glad he enjoyed it. Turns out he was next and just wanted the microphone. FML

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By r4inb0wbrit3 - United States - Townsend

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML

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By silkysmooth - United States

Today, I was almost out of conditioner, despite having just bought some. Apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to condition his pubes. He thinks doing this will make me want to give him more blowjobs. FML

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By aceshot97 - Canada

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was laughing at a girl who really sucks at badminton. Turns out she has anger issues, and a really good aim when she's mad. I've never been hit so hard in the crotch before. FML

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By LovelessNewlywed

Today, for the first time since my partner moved in with me, I did one of my favourite things: I bought some nice cheese and a bottle of wine and went on to People of Walmart, just as I do every month or so. He called me a disgusting human being and went for a walk two hours ago. FML

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By sparkynobe - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a co-worker asked me what meat we use for the drumsticks. We work in a chicken factory. This co-worker also thought that spreading out the chicken wings more evenly in the tray would increase the overall weight of the product. FML

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By BobE - United States - Miami

Today, I went to a mall and got some really awesome shoes. I went home to find out that they are actually women's shoes. I'm a dude. FML

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By sabz21 - United States - Naugatuck

Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By Trey Deluna - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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By wtfdad - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

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40124

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By EmberLove - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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46341

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

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25007

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By bpruitt95 - United States - Pitkin

Today, I was at a party. Everyone was drunk, and I happened to overhear someone say, "Where's that guy in the black jacket? I'm going to beat his ass!" I wouldn't have thought anything of it, had I not been the only one wearing a black jacket. FML

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By Anonymous

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

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By lonleystoner91 - France

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

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By meme71

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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31366

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By NoorFML - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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By sadsexer23 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By rhythmbandit - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

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46027

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By Bride - 25/2/2021 23:00 - New Zealand

Shush

Today, I went in to pick my wedding dress. My fiancé's ex-girlfriend was my consultant. She basically hinted that I looked fat in every dress. FML

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By anonymous001 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

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25881

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By noO - United States - Greenwood

Whisky dickhead

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

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23088

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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2399

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By frogface_fml - 20/5/2020 05:00

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

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1457

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By Zibby

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

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10448

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80550

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By Checkless chick - United States

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

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27078

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By annoyed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

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24145

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

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30826

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By sixsix - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46020

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered that I needed to reapply for my job in order to have a chance at keeping it. The applications closed yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30036

You deserved it

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By DaddyZ - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

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47107

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By Youalreadyknowmyname - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, a guy asked me my name and I told him it's Holly. He then asked if I was "real or a Holligram?" Apparently, The Office is the best, and only place to get pick up lines. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1397

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25428

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By Cantgetno - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

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57284

You deserved it

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By Dani - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

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Top comments

By amy397123 | 0

#711529 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:18

Was it necessary to mention that he was your "Guy friend"?

By SenGaeriel | 3

#711444 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:12

Ouch

COMMENTS

By SenGaeriel | 3

#711444 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:12

Ouch

7revelation7 | 0

#1153037 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 19:13

it's totally like "the kick" in inception, the falling sensation made you wake up! Reason for fall? Shot glasses

6tori6 | 5

#3550031 - Sunday 6 November 2011 15:54

pfft...."guy friend".

ygdrassil | 17

#3997592 - Monday 6 February 2012 1:05

You, a girl, slept in the bed of your guy friend? Awkward.

By Yaggi | 0

#711449 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:22

oucchh that sucks

By Ancients | 8

#711450 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:24

Ouch!

By foxconn2432 | 0

#711493 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 11:04

why is this in the intimacy category?

abciseasyas123 | 0

#711518 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 11:58

it's in misc on my phone atleast. they only way this would qualify for the intamcy category is if 'guy friend' was code for f*ck buddy...which we all know it probably does.

abciseasyas123 | 0

#711524 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:04

intimacy* oops

By amy397123 | 0

#711529 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:18

Was it necessary to mention that he was your "Guy friend"?

SmokinGuns | 13

#5796489 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 5:03

Atleast mobile users know it's a girl now. I've never heard a guy say "I was chilling playing some CoD with my guy friends."

By Erindub | 0

#711568 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 13:02

Luckily?? Ok then you ought to be good to go then huh?!

By Creeper09 | 0

#711640 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 14:56

OWWWW!!!!

By LatinoHeat | 0

#711656 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:12

Why are you complaining? Clay Aiken would have went through the table, stood up and roundhoused your guy friend for not putting more shotglasses on the table.

BloodShard | 0

#711675 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:28

You really need to get over your Clay Aiken obsession. Commenting something about Clay Aiken on every single post does not make you funny.

SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#711689 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:43

He's just trollin'.
Also, wtf, #10, Clay Aiken does not roundhouse kick, that's Chuck Norris' thing. Pshh.

LatinoHeat | 0

#711976 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 19:54

I have seen the YouTube videos of Clay Aiken performing roundhouse kicks. It is truly an awesome sight...go search for them yourselves and see what I have seen with your own eyes.

By JassyJas | 2

#711690 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:44

@LatinoHeat
the whole Clay Aiken thing mightve been funny on the first post you did it on but not on the what,6th?
OP Fyl that mustve hurt!!

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#711704 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 16:06

Please don't feed the troll.

By icanspellgud | 0

#711736 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 16:38

ily clay aiken troll :3