Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up...

By Anonymous - 9/12/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his abnormally high loft bed. Luckily, there was a table and 3 shot glasses to break my fall. FML

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Miscellaneous

Fairytale ending

Abuse

In my day…

By Pants-Girl - 24/11/2019 08:00 - Canada

Public surprise

Today, I was out walking downtown. A woman walking behind the thought that my pants were hanging too low. She came over to me and yanked my pants up. FML

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By lonely - 21/3/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

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By Ania - 15/10/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 16:58 - United States - Portland

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By Shoofly - 4/3/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By are you kidding me???? - 20/7/2012 04:58 - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

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By bob - 7/2/2011 06:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 00:02

Missing the point 101

Today, I told my mom I lost 30 pounds because of an eating disorder. She told me to keep up the good work. FML

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By Anonyme - 6/9/2013 11:56 - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2017 22:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Not so anal retentive then…

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

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By vetstudentdream - 15/4/2017 22:00 - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I had a playing test in orchestra, which I've pracriced over 30 hours for. After I played my part, which I thought I did very well, my teacher asked how much I had practice. Trying to show off, I said "Oh, just 30 minutes." My teacher said "It shows, that was terrible." She was serious. FML

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By Sunshine56 - 10/11/2016 03:11 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By skinnybitch - 8/9/2019 14:00

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

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By tannarox - 28/1/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

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By - 12/1/2017 14:00

Today, I was enjoying my first vacation day in 2 years. My boss then called me to come in, saying it was an emergency. I got to work and got fired. Yes, my boss made me come in just to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 16:14 - United States - Redmond

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2016 20:06 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By drake86 - 9/1/2013 16:42 - United Kingdom - Helensburgh

Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

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By wils - 24/7/2010 09:49 - United States

Today, after work, I peeled a parking ticket off my windshield. It was so hot that the ink from the ticket made a stamp on my windshield. Now I have a permanent reminder staring me in the face wherever I drive. FML

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By anonymous - 4/8/2015 20:56 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

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By yessir - 1/12/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 17:04 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

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By Alex Andreas - 2/7/2015 03:10 - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

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By hurts.to.pee - 19/1/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I explained to my dad that I think I have a vaginal infection. I asked if he could take me to the doctor. He responded by saying, "Just shove some ice up there. It'll go away." FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - 18/6/2013 05:01 - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By FuglyBetty - 13/11/2014 16:44 - Norway - Arendal

Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML

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By CarouselHeart - 18/5/2016 20:09 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got a letter stating that now that I'm in my mid-twenties, I need to start getting cervical exams. The only people interested in getting anywhere near my vagina are doctors. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 23:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

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By Hopelesshomeless - 12/3/2013 18:35 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

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By Dirtyrice - 24/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

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By draegoncode - 26/7/2010 04:34 - France

Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 16:07 - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

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By sydneybourgeois - 13/8/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2015 06:15 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML

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By Makala - 3/12/2011 08:15 - Egypt

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

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By Monika - 5/5/2011 21:04 - United States

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

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Top comments

By amy397123 | 0

#711529 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:18

Was it necessary to mention that he was your "Guy friend"?

By SenGaeriel | 3

#711444 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:12

Ouch

COMMENTS

By SenGaeriel | 3

#711444 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:12

Ouch

7revelation7 | 0

#1153037 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 19:13

it's totally like "the kick" in inception, the falling sensation made you wake up! Reason for fall? Shot glasses

6tori6 | 5

#3550031 - Sunday 6 November 2011 15:54

pfft...."guy friend".

ygdrassil | 17

#3997592 - Monday 6 February 2012 1:05

You, a girl, slept in the bed of your guy friend? Awkward.

By Yaggi | 0

#711449 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:22

oucchh that sucks

By Ancients | 8

#711450 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 9:24

Ouch!

By foxconn2432 | 0

#711493 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 11:04

why is this in the intimacy category?

abciseasyas123 | 0

#711518 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 11:58

it's in misc on my phone atleast. they only way this would qualify for the intamcy category is if 'guy friend' was code for f*ck buddy...which we all know it probably does.

abciseasyas123 | 0

#711524 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:04

intimacy* oops

By amy397123 | 0

#711529 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 12:18

Was it necessary to mention that he was your "Guy friend"?

SmokinGuns | 13

#5796489 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 5:03

Atleast mobile users know it's a girl now. I've never heard a guy say "I was chilling playing some CoD with my guy friends."

By Erindub | 0

#711568 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 13:02

Luckily?? Ok then you ought to be good to go then huh?!

By Creeper09 | 0

#711640 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 14:56

OWWWW!!!!

By LatinoHeat | 0

#711656 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:12

Why are you complaining? Clay Aiken would have went through the table, stood up and roundhoused your guy friend for not putting more shotglasses on the table.

BloodShard | 0

#711675 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:28

You really need to get over your Clay Aiken obsession. Commenting something about Clay Aiken on every single post does not make you funny.

SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#711689 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:43

He's just trollin'.
Also, wtf, #10, Clay Aiken does not roundhouse kick, that's Chuck Norris' thing. Pshh.

LatinoHeat | 0

#711976 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 19:54

I have seen the YouTube videos of Clay Aiken performing roundhouse kicks. It is truly an awesome sight...go search for them yourselves and see what I have seen with your own eyes.

By JassyJas | 2

#711690 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 15:44

@LatinoHeat
the whole Clay Aiken thing mightve been funny on the first post you did it on but not on the what,6th?
OP Fyl that mustve hurt!!

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#711704 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 16:06

Please don't feed the troll.

By icanspellgud | 0

#711736 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 16:38

ily clay aiken troll :3