Intimacy: Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

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Out of it

Sorry…

This is us

By fckdorms - United States - Columbia

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

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By kidswithnomanners - United States

Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML

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By coolcat10156 - United States - Keller

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 07:01 - United States - Fort Worth

UTI

Today, while studying in the library, I felt a sudden urge to pass gas. There were not too many people around, so I let it go while in my seat and it went unnoticed. What caught the attention of everybody was the puddle slowly forming under my seat. Turns out, I farted so hard I pissed myself. FML

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By Alyce - 9/10/2020 08:10 - United States - Lewistown

Never flip flop and drive

Today, I was supposed to deliver my S/O's keys to the garage, where he got his car fixed after a minor accident. I pulled out of my alley, only to have my flip flop catch on my accelerator, causing me to hit another car passing by. FML

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By choke on a dick, sir - United States - Portland

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I thought it would be cute to put on a Santa hat and ask my crush what he wanted for Christmas. He said "A girlfriend." I took off my Santa hat and yelled "Ta-da!" He added, "An ATTRACTIVE girlfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Bangalore

Today, I was trying to work out, and couldn't even complete an exercise regime meant for 50-year-olds. I'm 24. FML

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 8/11/2020 08:02 - United States

Chemical warfare

Today, my 28-year-old husband lifted one cheek, strained so hard I thought he'd shat himself, and screamed, "Fire one!" as he released from his ass a stench so awful all my eyebrows and eyelashes are now permanently curly. FML

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By Anonymous

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

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By me - United States - Wyandotte

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

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By fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz - Sweden - Solna

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

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By Sadmom - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I found out my fiancée has been sleeping with the salesman I bought her engagement ring from. He knew. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

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By seagull hater - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 20:03 - Australia

FML every way you look at it

Today, I had an enjoyable Tinder date, but I wasn't feeling any physical attraction because of her short hair. I let her know, to which she replied, "I don't like it either but growing it after chemo is a slow process." FML

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By whatafuckhead - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it. Then I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyattsville

Today, I gave a big presentation to my class. It included PowerPoint slides and video clips of the country I'd been researching. Another student did a presentation on the same country, except he just read from its Wikipedia page. He practically got a standing ovation. I got a single clap. FML

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By Lotz

Today, I found out that my sister has been stealing money from me. My parents won't do anything because there's "no evidence it was her". She's the only one in this house that spends regularly and has opportunities to take it while no one's around. FML

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By salt. - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom". That's how he put it, anyway. FML

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By Marlon - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

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By nofriends - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. The only issue was the fact I didn't have any friends to make it happen. FML

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By an adorable devil - United States - Houston

Today, my new bunny decided she is only going to eat carrots. If I put anything else in her food bowl, she viciously attacks the bowl until all of the food has spilled out. FML

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By WhatdyaDo - Canada

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

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By fall3nrain - United States

Today, I was trying to keep myself occupied due to my recent breakup. I was reading this book someone gave me about animal communication, so after a while, I figured I'd give it a shot. Then it dawned on me; I'm single, at home on a Friday night, and I'm trying to talk to my dog. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 4 years thinks my chemotherapy sessions are the perfect opportunity to sleep with other girls. FML

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By Erika

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on campus. Upset, I decided to go to McDonald's to eat my painful memories away. While in the drive-thru line, I realized my ex was right in front of me. It looked like I'd followed him all the way from campus. He thinks I'm a stalker now. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 14:01

Lazy git

Today, my fiancé was offered a job by my boss working as a dishwasher. This is awesome, especially since he just got fired from his last job. When I brought it up, his reply was, "I don't want to work as a dishwasher." I guess beggars can be choosers. FML

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By SmokedSalmon - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

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By itsgotime - United States

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

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By aye! - 25/7/2020 02:02

Porque no los dos?

Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML

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By chelsea

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

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By Nice 2 inch - Canada

Today, my grandpa told us he wanted to fit in. His idea of fitting in is streaking in a park at 4:00 pm. FML

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By McChunky =( - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

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By FabFor87 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

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By AlexaSt2611 - Paraguay

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By hinowdie - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

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Top comments

By AkManiak | 0

#949176 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:35

ha, now that's a true gamer

By persianality | 0

#949119 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:23

well I guess he knew u weren't worth it so he started playing Mario to find his princess

COMMENTS

By UberDood777 | 0

#949104 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:20

Shutup troll

Reply

cgysoccerfreak | 0

#949844 - Monday 15 March 2010 14:57

ya you hear that how would you like that for a change

Reply

bubbles987 | 0

#1691909 - Saturday 13 November 2010 5:13

I lost the game.

By antoa64 | 0

#949115 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:22

bitch yo ass gettin played!

Reply

Rickymonkeypants | 0

#949459 - Monday 15 March 2010 12:18

no it's just that
super Mario>boobies

Reply

MyStarrz | 0

#952561 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 5:08

Luigi > super mario + boobies

Reply

thisismitch | 3

#952800 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 6:41

win

By Jellytastic | 0

#949116 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:22

lol wtheck O_I

Reply

cyberotter | 0

#949679 - Monday 15 March 2010 13:35

his princess was In another castel.

By persianality | 0

#949119 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:23

well I guess he knew u weren't worth it so he started playing Mario to find his princess

By samantha_durano | 6

#949120 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:23

hahah, uhmmm cuute?

Reply

fualignment | 0

#949161 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:31

not as cute as you!

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#949180 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:36

why thankyou:)

Reply

oogyboogy | 6

#949353 - Monday 15 March 2010 10:47

what's with guys hitting on girls on fml comment boards in the past few days??!!

Reply

xXSc3n1cXx | 0

#949429 - Monday 15 March 2010 11:47

pfft.thats life.

Reply

cyberotter | 0

#949685 - Monday 15 March 2010 13:37

they think they only have a chance when the girls can't see them

Reply

fireflies2012 | 0

#949980 - Monday 15 March 2010 16:07

87 win

By ilovewhoppers | 0

#949124 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:24

hahahahha ahhh I pissed myself a lil reading this I was wearing a diaper so it's all good

By anerdslover | 0

#949127 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:25

wtf?? FYL

Reply

daniel1_1 | 13

#952064 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 2:54

Just 1 word, LOL

By lickmyjock | 0

#949137 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:27

damn how enlarged were they?

By robdoggstge | 0

#949144 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:27

lol wow Ima do that just for the he'll of it

Reply

rgt154 | 0

#949168 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:33

haha sumthing I'd think about doing, dunno if I'd actually do it tho lol. and num 11, don't u just hate iPhone autocorrect sumtimes?

Reply

ChrisCTL | 0

#949717 - Monday 15 March 2010 13:55

I will comment and say yes. I hate when it corrects hell to he'll. LOL

By quelbaby | 0

#949151 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:29

lol omg that's funny, also something my boyfriend would do >:-( lol