Work: Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic...

By onemoredonut - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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Work

Nooooooo… !

Mystery

Still pining

By Noname - United States

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

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By frank - 26/3/2021 23:01

Elephant

Today, I farted in my office, assuming nobody would come in until the smoke cleared. The new girl then came in to introduce herself. She had her hands on her nose the whole time, while we both awkwardly tried to ignore the stank elephant in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Natick

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

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By Jules - 27/11/2020 07:56 - Germany

Long term commitment

Today, while tidying up my grandmother's fridge, I got to play expiration-date-bingo. The winner was some type of concentrated apple sauce supposed to be used for salad dressings. It expired in 1986. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

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By bagpipesrkmywrld - United States

Today, my most difficult task at work was three hole punching a 500 page document so somebody could put it in a binder on their shelf and not read it. I have a $150,000 education. FML

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By guessimdead - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

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By UnhappyLips

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

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By - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

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By Help - Australia

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

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30965

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By Mushman

Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML

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By Mondo - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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By whoops - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 18:02 - United States - Cody

Seize the means

Today, I found out I'm getting a pay cut, a week after I told my boss I need a raise or second job just to afford bills. I made the company 10k last week. FML

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By notafatlump

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

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By guest - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

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By rainyday - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Park City

Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML

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By a_boring_snuffkin - 16/5/2020 02:00

Honestly?

Today, my friend needed to talk out bad feelings. Then she urged me to open up as well. I hate doing it, but it only seemed fair, so I confessed my deep insecurities. Not only did she agree with everything, but she also helpfully added that I'm boring, have no life and all my dreams are unattainable. FML

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By headdesk - United States - Kaneohe

Today, I picked up a co-worker from the airport. As she got in the car, she looked over at me and said, "I'm still not sleeping with you". This was our second conversation. The first is when she asked if I could pick her up from the airport. FML

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By b.fritz - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

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By Teacher - United States - Phoenix

Martha Lucy Queen Jr.

Today, I asked students to identify a woman that made a difference in history. I got several people answering Martin Luther King Jr. These are 9th graders. FML

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By 1gullible_bugger

Today, I was assaulted by a crazy drunk woman. Why? Six years ago, her kids were put into foster care because she was unfit. Somehow, this was my fault. FML

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By Charles Pennington - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

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By pointlessperson - Canada

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

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By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By LT - United States

Today, the car I was in got pulled over by the police for making an illegal turn. I was in a cab. And he kept the meter running. FML

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By selfesteemboost - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States - Marion

Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML

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By iliku

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

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By Kay

Today, I was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy stomach upset. Then I hear a knock on the bathroom door. My boyfriend had decided to make a surprise visit. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Today, it marks the 3-month anniversary of adopting the 'I don't have the slightest chance at success' attitude at work. In those 3 months, my boss, my coworkers and my boss's boss have all agreed and our relationships have greatly improved. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

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Top comments

By MyGFisaturd | 23

#6595846 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:30

I hope you mean ex-Traffic Cone!

By bellydancer82 | 15

#6595843 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:26

Yikes, that's awkward. Hope you were ok OP, just have to brush it off and laugh about it later.

COMMENTS

By igg125 | 30

#6595842 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:25

At least you didn't get ran over.

By bellydancer82 | 15

#6595843 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:26

Yikes, that's awkward. Hope you were ok OP, just have to brush it off and laugh about it later.

By MyGFisaturd | 23

#6595846 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:30

I hope you mean ex-Traffic Cone!

arano | 29

#6596043 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:39

Didn't expect that one #4. Made me laugh.

By wanted_2_want | 40

#6595847 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:29

That's a sure way to stop traffic !!
I hope you're ok now.

By TheSiraffe | 16

#6595848 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:30

Did you yell officer down?

freddygasman | 18

#6596456 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 5:26

haven't you watched the Simpson's, it's officer needs back up. it's one of the episodes in the future and a cloned Ralph falls down.

By Sherlihy | 6

#6595855 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:41

Who cares

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6595861 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 15:58

I got hit by a car just crossing legally, you don't want to experience that trust me.

By Cauldroup | 13

#6595894 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 16:49

I apologise for a spam comment, but I couldn't find this anywhere. Do replies to your comments get in your inbox?

By Anubis94 | 24

#6595907 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:02

When that happens, just get up and start dancing it off because you've already gone and embarrassed yourself :D

By juturnaamo | 29

#6595994 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 18:31

Sorry about your rough day, but thank you for keeping kids and pedestrians safe!