Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

Emergency haircut

By icandothecancan - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

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By Farmgirl

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

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By an idiot - Australia

Today, my brother was arrested for starting a fistfight at a funeral. He didn't even know the deceased; he's just been crashing funerals recently, hoping to hook up with mourners. I'm not sure who's more pathetic: him for doing such a thing, or me for bailing his fucking dumb arse out of jail. FML

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By bingalingading - United States - Owosso

Today, I was working at a donation center. I was having a really rough day, so my fiancée dropped me off some cookies. At the end of my shift, the manager told me I couldn't take them home because they were donated and therefore they were "company property." FML

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By fucktelstra - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

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By 0ros - United States

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

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By yayme. - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 17:02

Mind your own beeswax

Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML

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By sadface - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By siannacasey - United States

Today, I left my bedroom window open to let in some fresh air while I slept. A skunk got in and sprayed my room. FML

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By Chester (Seattle) - United States

Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML

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By neverhealthy

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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By Brandon - United States

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

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By sadday - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2020 01:00 - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

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By A troubled ex med school student - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

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By Wannabees - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By Jobless - 28/3/2020 14:00

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Today, I woke up early, felt very energetic, decided to run a couple of miles and bought muffins for my colleagues on my way to the office. Then my boss told me they're shutting us down. At the end of a day that started really great, I'm jobless. FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

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By Trumpet

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

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By ToiletTroubles - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

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By feltuponthe69 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me I didn't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. FML

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By inder - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By miss tomato - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

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By dogproblems - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By >_< - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I almost got written up for insubordination by my boss. All I did was explain to him that I couldn't help a tourist out because I speak Japanese, not Korean, and that it's not in fact "the same Asian shit" as he seemed to think. FML

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By not that kinda squirting

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

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By fuck you, dad - United States - Bellflower

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

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By MissSmarts - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

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By RinoaHeartilly

Today, like every day she works, my roommate once again put on a ton on perfume before work because she doesn't shower. She's gone, but this smell will be here for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2020 17:00

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By annoyedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

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By pamcakes

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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By crazybitch - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

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Top comments

By iliketurdles | 7

#1796918 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard..

I may use it in the future :D

By mexipunker | 0

#1797010 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:10

Mom: No masterbating at the table young man, now finish your peas.
Son: Yes mommy.

COMMENTS

By 3kitten3 | 10

#1796811 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:11

Ha hahaha haha. That is just to damn funny

luvzit | 0

#1797190 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:57

it's not really THAT funny lol

pwincessa23 | 1

#1801726 - Monday 6 December 2010 12:08

i love this fml!!!;)

alakomonus | 0

#1819410 - Thursday 9 December 2010 16:05

his family are all dumbasses then

ddlovatolover | 23

#5741547 - Monday 4 November 2013 5:06

*too

Sorry, I had to.

By luvzit | 0

#1796839 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

umm weren't you?? someone got a little bored.. OCD!!

CrAzYyYyYy | 0

#1797377 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:07

your right boob looks waaaay bigger than your left boob...

luvzit | 0

#1797432 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:20

thanks

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#1797483 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:32

27- thank you! see? I'm not the only one who thinks so bitch

mylifesucksserio | 15

#1797503 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:35

I don't really see the problem with them lol

MRiKiCCS | 0

#1797564 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:53

lol ON THIS FML TOO??

jellyybeans | 5

#1798280 - Sunday 5 December 2010 18:52

oooh where's vestfold? *o*

ahaha and also, lmfao at luvzit. your profile made me laugh.

syddyb | 0

#1798389 - Sunday 5 December 2010 19:43

her face must be ugly.

jewban | 3

#1800682 - Monday 6 December 2010 4:34

yal bitches are just jealous of her big tits. girls who usualy bitch about other girls showing their tits on FML are probably just jealous bitches.

By PSQ91 | 6

#1796845 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

I Love doing that too

IcyHell | 0

#1796871 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:24

doing what? masturbating?

Fall3nAngel | 22

#1797041 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:18

Hahahha, nice on xD

allanaskye | 0

#1797275 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:33

*one*

EZPZ | 0

#1797555 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:49

I viciously play air guitar...alone...candles lit...some Beethoven to set the ambience...ftw

skanksonaplane | 0

#1800718 - Monday 6 December 2010 4:47

that's hot

airjordan6_fml | 1

#3042195 - Friday 5 August 2011 6:04

Nou

By LexSwift | 17

#1796865 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:23

Um?

By macskapingvin | 0

#1796916 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:32

Wow, that is one hell of a conclusion to jump to.

By iliketurdles | 7

#1796918 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard..

I may use it in the future :D

iliketurdles | 7

#1797333 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:54

masturbating*

By bladomas | 2

#1796931 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

learn spelling #7, and the OP YDI

iliketurdles | 7

#1797297 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:39

I got auto corrected you wanker.

BDTM | 0

#1797472 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:29

mastetbuting is a word? When I first tried typing it it autocorrected to masturbating

iliketurdles | 7

#1797518 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:39

I meant to say I was hoping for it to auto correct me. This is what happens when you go on FML at work, you look an idiot.

solegit | 0

#1801257 - Monday 6 December 2010 8:24

You look LIKE an idiot. You do not look an idiot.

SoloAutotunE | 17

#6463957 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 1:53

See #8, he's still at work

By lafingman0 | 5

#1796937 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

hooray for a perverted family!

By janzup77 | 0

#1796998 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:05

how is that even masterbating. fail. FYL

By DaveEPIC | 0

#1797005 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:07

Haha, nice job...

verlorenerFall | 8

#3318264 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 22:07

Hand, job..