Intimacy: Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

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Intimacy

Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

How's your hovel?

By Iwasjustmovingout

Today, out of the blue, my husband suggested to his parents that they move to our town for the next six months, with the understanding that we’d see them nearly every day. I found out about this when they starting making plans. FML

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By Dumped

Today my boyfriend of one year dumped me. When I started crying, he said, “want to know something that will make you hate me so you won’t be so sad?” and then told me he’s been cheating on me with multiple women, the entire time we’ve been dating. He thought that would comfort me. FML

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By unluckylassy - Ireland

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". I'm awaiting a response. FML

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By crapped on - United States

Today, my family went on vacation. I had to stay home to take care of everyone's animals. I called my mom, she said she was too busy to talk to me. My sister asked who was on the phone, she replied "the dog sitter." FML

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By shampoomice - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

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By dave - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 11:01

Bye bye love

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend. Apparently, it's my fault because I act like I don't care… and guess what? She's posting little embarrassing details about me on her Facebook wall. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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By Mark - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By Angry Mob - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By gahdamnit - Australia

Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML

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By Buggy - United States - Atmore

Today, my brother robbed someone. The victim spoke with me and said that if his $1500 was paid back, he wouldn’t press charges. After I gave him the money, I questioned my brother until he admitted doing it. He only took $200. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hockessin

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. FML

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By Classy Broad

Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered Toast". FML

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By SMV - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By wtf? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 08:01

Dreamweaver

Today, I woke up with a scream of pain to find the reason I've had so many realistic dreams lately: my boyfriend has been messing with me in my sleep because he thinks my reactions are funny. For instance, when he pinched me today, I experienced a very realistic wasp sting in my dream. FML

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By Gray_Kitty - United States - Omaha

Today, a woman came in to order lunch. She ordered a sandwich then asked for me to configure it precisely to her complicated desires. This took a whole 5 minutes, during the lunch rush. When I told her the cost, she decided it was too expensive and cancelled her order. FML

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By nosexlife - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

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By katelynm - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

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By baybuh - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

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By GodDamnFan - United States

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

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By lct722 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

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By ThatAintLogical - United States

Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

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By costcocondoms - Mexico

Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

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By Gee... Thanks

Today, while my orthodontist was working on my teeth, she made the comment, "Wow! It looks like a murder scene in there!" FML

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By Baby Bethy - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML

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By samantha246 - United States

Today, I was pulling out of my driveway, and was being aware of the flowers I had just planted. I moved my head to look out my window as not to hit them, not realizing my window was up. I then hit my head break my nose and drive over the flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

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By housewiththinwalls - Sweden

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

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By figcurzyez - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

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By :( - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

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Top comments

By iliketurdles | 7

#1796918 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard..

I may use it in the future :D

By mexipunker | 0

#1797010 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:10

Mom: No masterbating at the table young man, now finish your peas.
Son: Yes mommy.

COMMENTS

By 3kitten3 | 10

#1796811 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:11

Ha hahaha haha. That is just to damn funny

luvzit | 0

#1797190 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:57

it's not really THAT funny lol

pwincessa23 | 1

#1801726 - Monday 6 December 2010 12:08

i love this fml!!!;)

alakomonus | 0

#1819410 - Thursday 9 December 2010 16:05

his family are all dumbasses then

ddlovatolover | 23

#5741547 - Monday 4 November 2013 5:06

*too

Sorry, I had to.

By luvzit | 0

#1796839 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

umm weren't you?? someone got a little bored.. OCD!!

CrAzYyYyYy | 0

#1797377 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:07

your right boob looks waaaay bigger than your left boob...

luvzit | 0

#1797432 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:20

thanks

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#1797483 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:32

27- thank you! see? I'm not the only one who thinks so bitch

mylifesucksserio | 15

#1797503 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:35

I don't really see the problem with them lol

MRiKiCCS | 0

#1797564 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:53

lol ON THIS FML TOO??

jellyybeans | 5

#1798280 - Sunday 5 December 2010 18:52

oooh where's vestfold? *o*

ahaha and also, lmfao at luvzit. your profile made me laugh.

syddyb | 0

#1798389 - Sunday 5 December 2010 19:43

her face must be ugly.

jewban | 3

#1800682 - Monday 6 December 2010 4:34

yal bitches are just jealous of her big tits. girls who usualy bitch about other girls showing their tits on FML are probably just jealous bitches.

By PSQ91 | 6

#1796845 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

I Love doing that too

IcyHell | 0

#1796871 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:24

doing what? masturbating?

Fall3nAngel | 22

#1797041 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:18

Hahahha, nice on xD

allanaskye | 0

#1797275 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:33

*one*

EZPZ | 0

#1797555 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:49

I viciously play air guitar...alone...candles lit...some Beethoven to set the ambience...ftw

skanksonaplane | 0

#1800718 - Monday 6 December 2010 4:47

that's hot

airjordan6_fml | 1

#3042195 - Friday 5 August 2011 6:04

Nou

By LexSwift | 17

#1796865 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:23

Um?

By macskapingvin | 0

#1796916 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:32

Wow, that is one hell of a conclusion to jump to.

By iliketurdles | 7

#1796918 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard..

I may use it in the future :D

iliketurdles | 7

#1797333 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:54

masturbating*

By bladomas | 2

#1796931 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

learn spelling #7, and the OP YDI

iliketurdles | 7

#1797297 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:39

I got auto corrected you wanker.

BDTM | 0

#1797472 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:29

mastetbuting is a word? When I first tried typing it it autocorrected to masturbating

iliketurdles | 7

#1797518 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:39

I meant to say I was hoping for it to auto correct me. This is what happens when you go on FML at work, you look an idiot.

solegit | 0

#1801257 - Monday 6 December 2010 8:24

You look LIKE an idiot. You do not look an idiot.

SoloAutotunE | 17

#6463957 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 1:53

See #8, he's still at work

By lafingman0 | 5

#1796937 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

hooray for a perverted family!

By janzup77 | 0

#1796998 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:05

how is that even masterbating. fail. FYL

By DaveEPIC | 0

#1797005 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:07

Haha, nice job...

verlorenerFall | 8

#3318264 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 22:07

Hand, job..