Intimacy: Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend...

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 266

You deserved it 11 835

Intimacy

Late term

Nothing honey, nothing

Masked Singer

By SteveBassist - 27/03/2018 15:00

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 873

You deserved it 284

Not sure that's how it works

By Julisna - 16/09/2021 20:00

Today, after getting sick of my boyfriend pestering me for a threesome, I invited a male friend over. My boyfriend strongly declined, because, "Hell no, I ain’t gay." So this man expects me to be a lesbian, but him being gay is a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 225

By sixsix - 24/12/2008 11:19 - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 039

You deserved it 8 606

By wmkaz - 21/04/2012 06:15 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 077

You deserved it 5 008

By Anonymous - 09/02/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 116

You deserved it 7 513

By LadyNexus - 07/01/2015 03:54 - United States - Mohrsville

Today, I asked my boyfriend how he felt about me and he said, "You're the hottest seven I've ever met." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 131

You deserved it 4 261

By John - 06/06/2017 15:00 - United States - Midway City

Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 695

You deserved it 558

By jajaja - 01/03/2009 19:45 - Canada

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 709

You deserved it 4 655

Singalong

By shtzbutnogiggles - 17/05/2016 14:10 - United States

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 071

You deserved it 1 006

By nevergettingajob - 22/02/2012 18:10 - Canada

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 039

You deserved it 25 779

You tried

By Loveless - 10/09/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 993

You deserved it 5 652

By forever alone - 30/08/2016 13:55 - Trinidad and Tobago - San Fernando

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 703

You deserved it 1 629

By Username - 01/05/2011 03:16 - United States

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 584

You deserved it 4 137

By fuckit - 31/01/2013 20:27 - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 054

You deserved it 2 471

By kelsey - 08/03/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 946

You deserved it 4 943

By Adrian James - 09/07/2019 12:00

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 226

By Anonymous - 23/08/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 039

You deserved it 5 629

By creepedout - 31/07/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 309

You deserved it 14 619

By scared4myhair - 12/04/2015 01:53 - United States - Flint

Today, I was asked to prom by the same guy who "accidentally" cut off a chunk of my hair in class and with whom I haven't had a conversation in my life. When I politely declined he said, "You'll regret this". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 537

You deserved it 2 757

By birchbeer - 11/05/2015 19:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 437

You deserved it 2 429

By sunshine - 29/06/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my uncle after six months. The first thing he says to me is, 'I didn't even recognize you! You've gained so much weight.' Gee thanks uncle. Just what I wanted to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 802

You deserved it 897

By psychopumpkin - 13/05/2013 14:16 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 112

You deserved it 7 289

By Why son, why? - 20/03/2013 11:07 - United States

Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 591

You deserved it 6 764

By mermaidkeels - 18/06/2016 08:51 - United States

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 881

You deserved it 987

By Embarrassed - 04/02/2011 00:28

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 255

You deserved it 6 687

Thanks guys

By Anonymous - 03/03/2021 14:30 - United States - Alexandria

Today I was offered an opportunity on Instagram from a local lady to take photos of her home for her. I told my friends, because I was shocked. They were shocked too. But in the nicest terms possible, they were shocked because my Instagram "isn’t really professional enough to get such offers." Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 137

By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 141

You deserved it 3 876

By justjust - 28/03/2009 14:14 - United States

Today, I was at work at a preschool. I was sitting outside with the kids and was getting bored so I started singing. One of the little girls runs up and puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to stop. I'm in a select chorus at my highschool and plan to major in choral studies in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 803

You deserved it 11 300

By anerdmom - 18/10/2018 14:00

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 833

You deserved it 336

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 17:28 - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 638

You deserved it 3 708

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 01:55 - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when an aging lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she had pickpocketed me of my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 560

You deserved it 2 564

By Gibbster_ - 20/06/2014 05:05 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my life is so boring that I started looking through my can of coins and sorting them out by year. The oldest coin I have is from 1963. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 750

You deserved it 8 924

By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 535

You deserved it 9 755

By Anonymous - 29/06/2009 17:55 - Canada

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 837

You deserved it 46 565

By 94lbs of muscle - 02/10/2013 18:37

Today, my teacher was talking about anorexia and bulimia. Midway through the lesson, she stopped and knowingly asked if I wanted to share my experiences with the class. I don't have an eating disorder, just a screwed-up metabolism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 327

You deserved it 3 350

By Al - 13/06/2016 15:37 - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 262

You deserved it 1 235

By Tasji - 27/07/2009 06:24 - Canada

Today, I sent in a fake story to a website that supports a yearly festival in my small town thinking it would boost their spirits. It was how my boyfriend proposed to me at last year's festival. Now the local news station wants to do a story about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 826

You deserved it 80 862

By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 09:39 - United States

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 561

You deserved it 6 162

By Wheel chair bound - 16/12/2016 21:14 - United States - Marion

Today, I received the good news that my spine looks normal. Either the degenerative disc that was diagnosed 5 years prior magically healed, or my current doctor is an idiot. Considering that it's felt like someone is chiseling into my spine for some days, I'm leaning toward the latter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 380

You deserved it 571

By dasbooot - 30/04/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 625

You deserved it 4 563

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Top comments

iliketurdles 7

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard.. I may use it in the future :D

mexipunker 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 13:10

Mom: No masterbating at the table young man, now finish your peas. Son: Yes mommy.

3kitten3 10

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:11

Ha hahaha haha. That is just to damn funny

luvzit 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 13:57

it's not really THAT funny lol

pwincessa23 1

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Monday 6 December 2010 12:08

i love this fml!!!;)

alakomonus 0

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Thursday 9 December 2010 16:05

his family are all dumbasses then

ddlovatolover 23

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Monday 4 November 2013 5:06

*too Sorry, I had to.

luvzit 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

umm weren't you?? someone got a little bored.. OCD!!

CrAzYyYyYy 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:07

your right boob looks waaaay bigger than your left boob...

luvzit 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:20

thanks

ifyouseekamy666 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:32

27- thank you! see? I'm not the only one who thinks so bitch

mylifesucksserio 15

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:35

I don't really see the problem with them lol

MRiKiCCS 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:53

lol ON THIS FML TOO??

jellyybeans 5

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Sunday 5 December 2010 18:52

oooh where's vestfold? *o* ahaha and also, lmfao at luvzit. your profile made me laugh.

syddyb 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 19:43

her face must be ugly.

jewban 3

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Monday 6 December 2010 4:34

yal bitches are just jealous of her big tits. girls who usualy bitch about other girls showing their tits on FML are probably just jealous bitches.

PSQ91 6

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

I Love doing that too

IcyHell 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:24

doing what? masturbating?

Fall3nAngel 22

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Sunday 5 December 2010 13:18

Hahahha, nice on xD

allanaskye 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 14:33

*one*

EZPZ 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:49

I viciously play air guitar...alone...candles lit...some Beethoven to set the ambience...ftw

skanksonaplane 0

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Monday 6 December 2010 4:47

that's hot

airjordan6_fml 1

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Friday 5 August 2011 6:04

Nou

LexSwift 17

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:23

Um?

macskapingvin 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:32

Wow, that is one hell of a conclusion to jump to.

iliketurdles 7

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard.. I may use it in the future :D

iliketurdles 7

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Sunday 5 December 2010 14:54

masturbating*

bladomas 2

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

learn spelling #7, and the OP YDI

iliketurdles 7

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Sunday 5 December 2010 14:39

I got auto corrected you wanker.

BDTM 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:29

mastetbuting is a word? When I first tried typing it it autocorrected to masturbating

iliketurdles 7

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Sunday 5 December 2010 15:39

I meant to say I was hoping for it to auto correct me. This is what happens when you go on FML at work, you look an idiot.

solegit 0

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Monday 6 December 2010 8:24

You look LIKE an idiot. You do not look an idiot.

SoloAutotunE 17

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Wednesday 18 November 2015 1:53

See #8, he's still at work

lafingman0 5

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Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

hooray for a perverted family!

janzup77 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 13:05

how is that even masterbating. fail. FYL

DaveEPIC 0

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Sunday 5 December 2010 13:07

Haha, nice job...

verlorenerFall 8

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Tuesday 20 September 2011 22:07

Hand, job..

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 18

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 149

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 418

You deserved it 102

Not sure that's how it works

Singalong

You tried

Thanks guys

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