Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend...

By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27220

You deserved it

11807

Favorite

Intimacy

Does it taste good?

Compassion

Whatthefuckaburger

By Lizzielollipop816 - 18/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32941

You deserved it

3600

Favorite

By musiclover - 6/12/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27637

You deserved it

5085

Favorite

By misty_love - 10/3/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27600

You deserved it

3667

Favorite

By Bethany - 20/1/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37306

You deserved it

15772

Favorite

By Enragedbitch - 20/10/2012 08:49 - United States - Torrance

Today, my husband informed me that he recently slept with a secretary of his to become better at sex for me. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he cheated on me or that he seriously believes that he has a reasonable excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32377

You deserved it

2317

Favorite

By grossedout - 1/11/2014 00:39

Today, I was walking back to my dorm with my boyfriend. He was being really sweet as he held my hand. We were about to kiss goodnight and as he pushed some hair out of my face he said, "Can we hurry it up? I'm about to rip one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32931

You deserved it

3695

Favorite

By grow_fasterrr - - 13/10/2010 05:28 - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22294

You deserved it

5429

Favorite

By Keira - 27/3/2019 22:00

Today, the modeling program I'm required to use for school started inexplicably crashing. Reinstalling doesn't even fix it. The company that owns the software doesn't provide students with tech support, and my teacher just told me I won't pass if I can't fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1979

You deserved it

119

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 00:30

Today, I walked in on my little brother dressing up like Billie Eilish, his new favorite singer. He tore up some of my favorite clothes to make the outfits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1771

You deserved it

126

Favorite

By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1224

You deserved it

158

Favorite

By tadam - 10/11/2008 09:11 - France

Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13453

You deserved it

74522

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 10:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47793

You deserved it

5475

Favorite

By nutcracker - 23/2/2010 09:28 - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7158

You deserved it

68146

Favorite

By ughhhh - 10/11/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33272

You deserved it

5733

Favorite

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29761

You deserved it

7657

Favorite

By JadedBaker - 8/7/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39917

You deserved it

1975

Favorite

By blood buddies - 3/7/2014 17:53 - United States - Milford

Today, I was showing the guy I like something on my phone. My period tracking app decided it was the perfect time to tell me that I need to stock up on tampons, because I'm getting my period tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48352

You deserved it

8617

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14822

You deserved it

111123

Favorite

By My rapey cat (doesn't even have balls) - 21/4/2018 01:30

Today, my 20-year-old sister is taking care of my cat while I am out of state. She sent a photo of him "playing in a silly way" with her kitty. I then had to very seriously explain to her that in the photo, my cat and her cat were trying to make more cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4037

You deserved it

373

Favorite

By issue - 7/9/2018 01:30

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2944

You deserved it

390

Favorite

By AntiAxe - 29/11/2010 06:23

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28034

You deserved it

3554

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/2/2017 04:00 - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7702

You deserved it

451

Favorite

By ihateeverything - 30/1/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, the dentist had to give me a lot of novacaine because my mouth wasn't becoming numb. After the 4th time the entire right side of my mouth was numb, except for the 2 teeth getting worked on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31266

You deserved it

1809

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39338

You deserved it

4508

Favorite

By Henry - 6/2/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24285

You deserved it

8921

Favorite

By concertqueen - 27/8/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34409

You deserved it

2742

Favorite

By MrMagicMan000 - 25/8/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47163

You deserved it

4377

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 21:50 - United States - Wexford

Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38885

You deserved it

8673

Favorite

By sickness and health my sphincter - 22/3/2013 21:53 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39244

You deserved it

3021

Favorite

By chiktikka - 14/1/2014 22:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48975

You deserved it

8377

Favorite

By speechless - 13/7/2013 14:32 - United States - Mitchell

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

55944

You deserved it

4568

Favorite

By SunBed - 11/5/2020 17:00

Soaked

Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1601

You deserved it

Favorite

By Not Engaged - 6/3/2015 23:30 - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34374

You deserved it

3075

Favorite

By Mack - 9/9/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34504

You deserved it

6073

Favorite

By Afroman720 - 27/7/2015 18:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27639

You deserved it

2864

Favorite

By Patrick - 27/1/2010 11:55 - United States

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26357

You deserved it

5226

Favorite

By Sam - 25/6/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as a recruiter, I had an interview with a promising candidate for an open position at my company. The interview was going well until the candidate interrupted me halfway through to take a selfie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48827

You deserved it

4400

Favorite

By { o } - 22/3/2015 17:41 - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30439

You deserved it

3691

Favorite

By Sardine - 18/12/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

I agree, your life sucks

9407

You deserved it

32826

Favorite

By FML - 15/7/2009 14:29 - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38541

You deserved it

5272

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By iliketurdles | 7

#1796918 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard..

I may use it in the future :D

By mexipunker | 0

#1797010 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:10

Mom: No masterbating at the table young man, now finish your peas.
Son: Yes mommy.

Comments

By 3kitten3 | 10

#1796811 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:11

Ha hahaha haha. That is just to damn funny

luvzit | 0

#1797190 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:57

it's not really THAT funny lol

pwincessa23 | 1

#1801726 - Monday 6 December 2010 12:08

i love this fml!!!;)

alakomonus | 0

#1819410 - Thursday 9 December 2010 16:05

his family are all dumbasses then

ddlovatolover | 23

#5741547 - Monday 4 November 2013 5:06

*too

Sorry, I had to.

By luvzit | 0

#1796839 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

umm weren't you?? someone got a little bored.. OCD!!

CrAzYyYyYy | 0

#1797377 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:07

your right boob looks waaaay bigger than your left boob...

luvzit | 0

#1797432 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:20

thanks

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#1797483 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:32

27- thank you! see? I'm not the only one who thinks so bitch

mylifesucksserio | 15

#1797503 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:35

I don't really see the problem with them lol

MRiKiCCS | 0

#1797564 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:53

lol ON THIS FML TOO??

jellyybeans | 5

#1798280 - Sunday 5 December 2010 18:52

oooh where's vestfold? *o*

ahaha and also, lmfao at luvzit. your profile made me laugh.

syddyb | 0

#1798389 - Sunday 5 December 2010 19:43

her face must be ugly.

jewban | 3

#1800682 - Monday 6 December 2010 4:34

yal bitches are just jealous of her big tits. girls who usualy bitch about other girls showing their tits on FML are probably just jealous bitches.

By PSQ91 | 6

#1796845 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:16

I Love doing that too

IcyHell | 0

#1796871 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:24

doing what? masturbating?

Fall3nAngel | 22

#1797041 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:18

Hahahha, nice on xD

allanaskye | 0

#1797275 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:33

*one*

EZPZ | 0

#1797555 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:49

I viciously play air guitar...alone...candles lit...some Beethoven to set the ambience...ftw

skanksonaplane | 0

#1800718 - Monday 6 December 2010 4:47

that's hot

airjordan6_fml | 1

#3042195 - Friday 5 August 2011 6:04

Nou

By LexSwift | 17

#1796865 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:23

Um?

By macskapingvin | 0

#1796916 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:32

Wow, that is one hell of a conclusion to jump to.

By iliketurdles | 7

#1796918 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:34

That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard..

I may use it in the future :D

iliketurdles | 7

#1797333 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:54

masturbating*

By bladomas | 2

#1796931 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

learn spelling #7, and the OP YDI

iliketurdles | 7

#1797297 - Sunday 5 December 2010 14:39

I got auto corrected you wanker.

BDTM | 0

#1797472 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:29

mastetbuting is a word? When I first tried typing it it autocorrected to masturbating

iliketurdles | 7

#1797518 - Sunday 5 December 2010 15:39

I meant to say I was hoping for it to auto correct me. This is what happens when you go on FML at work, you look an idiot.

solegit | 0

#1801257 - Monday 6 December 2010 8:24

You look LIKE an idiot. You do not look an idiot.

SoloAutotunE | 17

#6463957 - Wednesday 18 November 2015 1:53

See #8, he's still at work

By lafingman0 | 5

#1796937 - Sunday 5 December 2010 12:39

hooray for a perverted family!

By janzup77 | 0

#1796998 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:05

how is that even masterbating. fail. FYL

By DaveEPIC | 0

#1797005 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:07

Haha, nice job...

verlorenerFall | 8

#3318264 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 22:07

Hand, job..