Miscellaneous: Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my...

By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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Miscellaneous

Vibe check

You've got some explaining to do

The Terminator

By Wellthissucks

Today, I found out that my long-distance boyfriend just got married because his "real" girlfriend is pregnant. FML

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By Rellies

Today, my husband is finally fully recovered from getting decompression sickness during our scuba diving vacation. Today is also the day I snapped my femur in half while skiing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

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By Namnack - Netherlands

Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By fiftyno - United States - Tacoma

Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

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By WTF - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I saw my mom changing the expiry date on milk. She genuinely thought this would make the milk sour later. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him. He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 17:02

What goes up…

Today, I had to take my daughter to hospital because her butt swallowed her dildo. Try as I might, in the waiting area her dad and I couldn’t stop giggling at random intervals at the absurdity of the situation, so she’s probably never going to speak to us again. FML

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By Snurkles - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

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By kidneystoner - United States

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

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By yeahno - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

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By Lazy - Australia

Today, I was at work and was trying to cheer up my stressed out manager by chatting. We were on the subject of sleeping in when I told her that I loved to be lazy and sleep in when I could. She looked up and down me and then answered, "I can see that." FML

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By Mitch - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, while I was working my shift at the store, my girlfriend appeared and asked to talk to me. Once we were alone, she burst into tears and started sobbing. Turns out someone's dad died in her favorite TV show and she wanted some comfort. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

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By AwkwardWaitress - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By fhe - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

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By Scaredwitless - United States

Spooky

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

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By Jan - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, a German guy came into the place where I work. Eager to use the German that I'd learned from my immigrant mother and her family, I started a conversation. Things were going well until the term I grew up thinking meant "Africa" turned out to be racist, translating as "Ape Land." FML

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By why

Today, I was suspended for "selling drugs on campus". I was trying to give the school nurse approved medication for my severe epilepsy. I'm suspended for 3 weeks and have to go to a drug seminar. FML

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By Andrew7847 - United States

Today, I finally managed to get through to the radio station that I always listen to. I handed the phone to my dad so he could win the prize for me, because I'm under 18. He hung up because he thought it was a prank call. FML

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By pencilskirt

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

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By crazybitch - Canada - Okotoks

Not a morning person

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, I asked a hairdresser for an A-line bob. I was left with wavy bangs and hair, which is not A-line at all, it's 1 cm shorter on one side. She says she did my hair right, I just need to "style it properly." Not only is it fucked up, I later realised it's the EXACT same haircut as my mother-in-law's. FML

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By weldingmachine217 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:02 - Canada - Courtenay

Supply and demand

Today, I spotted my dad watching a wildlife/nature video. I pointed out to him that the animal on the screen was critically endangered; he rebutted by telling me that it's impossible for the animal on the screen to go extinct because people keep hunting it. FML

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By Weezylover - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

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By mynameislor - Canada

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

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By Alana - Australia

Today, I went to a New Year's party with my boyfriend. Later into the night, he got drunk, and left me there to go to another party with his friends. I have no car, and no way to get home. FML

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By yegworstdrivers - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

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By FavreFan99 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By lizownsvirgy - United States

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

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By lawoman27 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad was having an affair on my mom with. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - Traralgon

Best gift ever

Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML

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Top comments

By TaysDarkLust | 11

#5049259 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 18:58

Why would you get a white one to begin with?

By flockz | 19

#5049282 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:01

i bet it was designed by a boardroom of men. we are such innovators sometimes!

COMMENTS

By KiRaKaT | 9

#5049257 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 18:58

Bummer OP :( ! This is why i never wear white bathing suits!

ICastillo | 24

#5049316 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:10

Ya Op why do you think they use white t shirts in a wet t shirt contest.

domking1315 | 20

#5049319 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:11

Hmm lets buy them full-price from now on shall we?

blcksocks | 19

#5049348 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:19

This FML is an example where we all wish there was a picture option along with text ...

AZD0526 | 1

#5049461 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:09

what is OP??

DomDomxoxo | 16

#5049468 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:11

32: it's "ostrich penis"

poppyseed420 | 9

#5049478 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:18

There are a few with a picture option but no boobies

ICastillo | 24

#5049533 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:56

No #32 it Optimus Prime. Everyone knows that.

jep00 | 8

#5049536 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:56

Haha Ikr????

gc327072 | 29

#5049544 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 21:03

Eeeeyyyyyy sexy lady!

OP, OP, OP, OP, OP

See-through swimsuit style!

sens3sfailing | 24

#5049557 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 21:20

OP is organ planter.

laxbro4769 | 6

#5049560 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 21:23

You're a God...

itsharkley | 8

#5049660 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:32

Open punch
Odorous pus
Oedipus
Online post
Original poster
Orc piss

One of these

305Miami | 0

#5049845 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:07

I've seen this FML before.

sadh3 | 11

#5049889 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:18

32: Op stands for original poster.

jvmateo | 0

#5051374 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 6:32

When you read it and actually think "KillJoke Unoversity" is a real thing...

PinkieKeen | 20

#5051499 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 8:24

OP actually means Orange Peeler.

TheOnlyX | 11

#5052577 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 17:02

I have a feeling most people just sung that in their head.

gman90210 | 18

#5054944 - Thursday 18 October 2012 7:37

Damn right

FATTY_MCDOOGLE | 29

#5068773 - Monday 22 October 2012 21:50

It's implied that a white bikini is see-through.

Toasty283 | 8

#5438043 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:07

Pics or it didn't happen.

arrow007archer | 19

#6139275 - Monday 8 December 2014 23:51

OP stands for Original Peanut

By TaysDarkLust | 11

#5049259 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 18:58

Why would you get a white one to begin with?

smiliecat | 13

#5049376 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:28

White always makes me look more tan. So maybe OP was thinking the same? But I always run my swimsuits through water the first time before wearing them out just to make sure they aren't see through.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5049379 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:29

Because white is a symbol of purity and innocence... Oh wait.

crimsonprodigy | 15

#5049504 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:32

Cause of White Pow---

Yea I don't know about this....

305Miami | 0

#5049851 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:08

Ive read an fml like this, where the girl bought a stylish one but it gets see through when wet was weitten a little different, take this one off asshole mods

lexi365 | 20

#5051386 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 6:40

Most white bikinis are not meant to be seen through. Mine isn't.

jfotogs | 0

#5051848 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 11:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

TheOnlyX | 11

#5052308 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 15:21

Oh dear God.

By onlychildFTW | 33

#5049265 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 18:59

Lucky boys who were in the pool!

But embarrassing and awkward for you. That sucks OP.

winnerme123 | 8

#5049521 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:43

I wish I would have been there. :)

Nightwing98 | 22

#5049525 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:51

We need a pic to confirm this happened OP.

lucianaamelia | 21

#5049527 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 20:52

Get yer tits out for the boys!
Feel for you, but hope you were Brazilian:(

Tuffay | 14

#5049894 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:19

Waxed!!!

dragonfuego | 11

#5051103 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 3:39

As in dark nipples Brazilian?

Gregory607 | 1

#5051290 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:26

As in not hairy downstairs, Brazilian.

By jazzyjazz23 | 9

#5049269 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 18:59

You should've tested it out before wearing it in public op.

HanaFML | 10

#5050023 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 1:19

Not everyone remembers to do this. People make mistakes.

jazzyjazz23 | 9

#5050051 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 1:35

Obviously, otherwise she wouldn't have posted this FML.

By RayearthNinja | 10

#5049270 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 18:59

This is the sole reason I don't wear white in general

Enslaved | 36

#5049373 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:28

I rarely wear white, myself. Only 'cause I'm klutzy and end up with Ex: red wine stains on my clothes. ):

The_F3rris | 11

#5052586 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 17:06

I wear white only on spring break.

By Applepants | 4

#5049280 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 19:00

At least you aren't on your period. *Shivers*

badbadkitty | 5

#5049542 - Tuesday 16 October 2012 21:02

That would have been a MUCH more embarrassing FML: Today, I wore my new white bikini and Aunt Flo decided to a make an angry appearance.... While I flashed the whole pool due to the opacity of my bargain suit. FML