Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this... - FML

By Scared - 23/8/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this big menacing thing staring right at me. I gasped and my heart started racing. I apprehensively turned on the lights, and I realized that it was the semi-deflated Spongebob balloon that has been in my room for weeks. FML

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This is us

You snooze, you lose

Night terrors

By KittyKat - 3/11/2013 14:22 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my husband was getting undressed. I told my 2-year-old daughter not to go in our bedroom because he was undressing in there. I turned my back and she instantly ran off to my bedroom. I heard her shout "I can see daddy's tail!" Now, she points to everyone's crotch and shouts "TAIL!" FML

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By Julez - 14/1/2012 16:14 - United States

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

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By dogbreederssuck - 3/2/2015 15:26 - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML

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By cait - 26/8/2019 15:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML

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By Getmeoutofhere - 10/8/2017 17:15 - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 11:38 - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 14:41 - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

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By anxious spaghetti - 3/12/2017 15:00

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By sigh... - 25/6/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, after several hours of trying to get my triplet daughters to go to bed, they finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I went to the bathroom so I could go to bed. Not thinking about it, I dropped the toilet seat down rather loudly and flushed the toilet. All three girls woke up crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2013 21:16 - United States - West Chicago

Today, I got my daughter's school pictures. Instead of smiling, she did the duck face. She's 6. FML

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By BrokenHearted - 4/7/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

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By nolife - 29/12/2011 12:03 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I hit a dead deer that had been left in the middle of the road. My car started to make a funny noise and smell, so I pulled over to check it, thinking I blew the tire on some antlers. The deer got stuck in my front wheel, and I'd dragged it more than a mile. And it wasn't actually dead. FML

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By dabull - 27/4/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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By Equi - 12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By NeedMoreFriends - 3/7/2015 10:30 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances". FML

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By Flabbergasted - 6/2/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

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By Fireguy92 - 1/2/2013 04:39 - United States - Dewitt

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

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By Mr. Hopeless - 13/2/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

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By Miki13 - 11/11/2012 20:27 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By fstfckd - 7/6/2014 19:16 - United States

Today, at college, I was frantically trying to finish an essay on gay rights that was due less than an hour later. In the end I failed, because the college internet filters kept classifying every single page containing the information I needed as "sex", and blocked it all. FML

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By shelteredchild - 20/3/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I got the courage to ask my mom if I could go to the movies alone on my first date with my new boyfriend. She said ok, which was surprising because she never lets me go anywhere alone. When I got to the theatre with him I saw my mom. She had saved seats for us. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, I pulled a neck muscle while head-banging. I wasn't at a concert, and I'm not in a heavy metal band, but I do pretend that I am while I'm in the shower. FML

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By small dick energy - 2/5/2019 04:00

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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By PizzaNIF - 13/7/2016 17:58 - United States - Henderson

Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML

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By fmylife. - 29/11/2010 18:02 - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2014 17:36 - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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By whatiswrongwiththeworld - 14/7/2017 13:01

Tsk Tsk

Today, I was told off by a random woman who said that I should be ashamed of myself for dating such an older man. I was having dinner with my dad. FML

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By 9gingerface66 - 15/1/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

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By Karim - 12/12/2012 05:29 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

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By failedexam - 6/11/2009 06:52 - Canada

Today, my mom texted me in the middle of my end of term math exam, saying it was extremely urgent and needed me to come home ASAP. While skipping my exam, I finally got home to find out my mom forgot what the emergency was. FML

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By poorgirl - 17/5/2016 13:03 - United States

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

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By hrtbrkn - 16/7/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

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By MommyLovesMe - 8/3/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2014 02:08 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 06:55 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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Top comments

By zoesterhp | 0

#509360 - Sunday 23 August 2009 17:01

not fml worthy

By rabbit_fml | 0

#509374 - Sunday 23 August 2009 17:28

Mods, please choose quality over quantity.

Comments

By zoesterhp | 0

#509360 - Sunday 23 August 2009 17:01

not fml worthy

Reply

americayay | 0

#509730 - Sunday 23 August 2009 22:29

Agreed. Scared by a Spongebob balloon. Is that really the story? Is there something I'm missing?

Reply

lax2319 | 0

#510347 - Monday 24 August 2009 3:26

how the hell did this make it past moderation?

Reply

Cupcakeshizz | 0

#1183339 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 20:15

I lol'ed at this. it is more of a lol than a fml though !

Reply

SayPeanuts | 29

#3004931 - Sunday 31 July 2011 1:28

Today, I got temporarily frightened by an inanimate object in the dark. I then turned on the lights and everything was okay again. FML

Reply

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3576989 - Saturday 12 November 2011 18:27

haha this happens to me all the freaking time so why is this an FML?

By puddin989 | 0

#509371 - Sunday 23 August 2009 17:26

yeah wow fuck your life man...you were scared by a balloon...who gives a shit

By rabbit_fml | 0

#509374 - Sunday 23 August 2009 17:28

Mods, please choose quality over quantity.

By athiest_pope | 0

#509383 - Sunday 23 August 2009 18:18

ur life is sooooo fucked
HA

By shadow_skater_fml | 0

#509386 - Sunday 23 August 2009 18:22

that happened to me once...

Reply

sobe23 | 0

#523132 - Saturday 29 August 2009 2:32

I agree with #5. I've had a couple of balloons in the past that would last forever and after a while you forget you have them. They used to always catch me off guard because no one expects something to be moving in their room.

By SURRAH | 0

#509396 - Sunday 23 August 2009 18:43

this is more of an MLIA

By manxalicious | 0

#509397 - Sunday 23 August 2009 18:43

Today I drank a cup of tea. FML

the above will be next, and if it does appear, I'm leaving -.-

By xoxomg | 0

#509398 - Sunday 23 August 2009 18:43

aww this is cute. everyone has those moments =)

By fmlyels | 0

#509403 - Sunday 23 August 2009 18:46

so? how is this an fml, at all? i don't even think this is mlia worthy.

Reply

omgurlifeiseffed | 0

#509733 - Sunday 23 August 2009 22:32

is mlia and fml the same company?

By anon_cophed | 3

#509409 - Sunday 23 August 2009 18:50

OMFG your life is fucked....