Kids: Today, I heard a baby crying while I was walking down the street....

By failbaby - 02/06/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I heard a baby crying while I was walking down the street. I walked around until I found it. In a dumpster. I immediately called the cops, completely freaking out. When the cops came, they pulled the baby out of the dumpster. It was a plastic baby doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 490

You deserved it 24 160

Kids

Vulture

Good kid

Empathy lives

By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 626

You deserved it 32 459

By in love with an idiot - 20/11/2016 11:47 - Angola - Luanda

Today, my soon-to-be husband showed up with an animal print suit at our engagement ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 197

You deserved it 1 636

By Anonymous - 04/04/2015 14:35 - France - Melesse

Today, at work, I tripped and fell face-first into a food display. As I picked myself up, totally humiliated, I tripped again and fell right back into it, earning a bunch of pitying looks from nearby customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 572

You deserved it 3 771

By sue - 31/05/2017 00:00

I agree, your life sucks 2 621

You deserved it 271

By ~~~ - 29/06/2014 17:08 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 476

You deserved it 4 320

By soulaar - 02/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 607

You deserved it 5 333

By Dump Tump - 29/03/2019 22:00

Today, my flute broke. I have an exam coming tomorrow and all repair shops are closed. I guess I’ll have to lose £150. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 159

By Anonymous - 23/05/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 196

You deserved it 3 840

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, my husband and I were looking for a new house. The open house we were in had a strange floral scent to entice the buyers. I am three months pregnant and have horrible morning sickness. I threw up all over the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 164

You deserved it 4 779

By Anonymous - 15/02/2013 01:55 - United States - Portland

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 466

You deserved it 45 844

Dust in the wind

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 13:59 - New Zealand

Today, I went to withdraw some money out the bank. On a windy day. Next minute, woosh, my money was gone. My last $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 190

Meow meow

By failed_catgirl - 19/10/2010 23:24 - Canada

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 396

You deserved it 38 776

By dickwebs - 22/11/2010 03:42 - Germany

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 891

You deserved it 5 206

Shorty-Greasy Spot-Spot

By GreaseNose - 25/09/2019 14:00

Today, while studying with the girl I like, I rested my face on my book, pretending to be frustrated. When I lifted my head, I realized I'd left a greasy spot on the page from my nose. She noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 212

You deserved it 522

By Kelly - 26/05/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 300

You deserved it 135

By Allenburg - 18/01/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 647

You deserved it 7 469

By Anonymous - 06/02/2012 10:38 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 008

You deserved it 2 631

By gunnar - 20/09/2018 17:30

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 516

You deserved it 626

By tiredInMD - 12/07/2017 18:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 2 071

By hylianprincess - 25/09/2014 11:19 - United States

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 640

You deserved it 3 253

By Anonymous - 13/02/2015 22:49 - United States

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend asked if he could come over and hang out. He only came because he ran out of food at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 052

You deserved it 3 572

By hero to zero - 04/07/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 048

You deserved it 15 129

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 16:05 - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 052

You deserved it 2 708

By Anonymous - 02/12/2014 03:14 - United States - Anchorage

Today, after putting in so much effort to forgive my husband for his affair, we had sex. Not even 2 minutes into it, he called me by the other woman's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 316

You deserved it 12 309

Zeitgeist

By Ariel - 05/10/2020 10:02

Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 253

The spirit of John Lennon

By Becks - 07/09/2020 23:01

Today, I found a bug in my bra. Not a huge deal, so I flicked him out. Turns out he was a black blister beetle. I woke to at 3 a.m. to insane pain, as well as the water blisters all over my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 494

You deserved it 91

By usafprog - 27/07/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 527

You deserved it 22 052

By Anon Y. Mous - 02/10/2015 04:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 736

You deserved it 2 389

Heated gaming moment

By Anonymous - 15/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Columbia City

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house after working a night shift. The door was locked and, so I wouldn't wake his parents, I called him. Twelve times. Each call went to voicemail and I was left standing outside in the freezing rain until he finally let me in. What was he doing? Playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 819

You deserved it 1 181

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 07:37 - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 453

You deserved it 14 958

Generic Happy Birthday gif

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 14:15 - United States

Today, I'm still trying not to cry. Yesterday was by birthday. I got an e-mail from my dad with three words, "Happy Birthday (nickname)". I got a Facebook post from my mother. No card. No phone call. No gift. I have become nothing more than a Facebook friend to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 136

By tokinallday - 02/01/2015 19:23 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my mom and step-dad tore my room apart looking for the stash of drugs they thought I had. I've never touched drugs in my life, and I guess they believe me now. Didn't stop them from making me clean up the mess they made, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 287

You deserved it 2 486

By Man vs. Spider - 28/02/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 645

You deserved it 8 376

By Anonymous - 20/03/2014 02:43 - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 112

You deserved it 6 954

By not a dick-man - 12/08/2014 17:05 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 590

You deserved it 31 374

By Nasu Johi - 06/09/2018 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 503

You deserved it 171

By batman123 - 21/02/2009 02:42 - Canada

Today, a girl I really liked mentioned she's home alone and that she was really really lonely. She offered for me to come over and watch a few movies with her, and as I got prepared to leave she sent me a text saying " can you pick up my friend Spencer? " FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 049

You deserved it 3 481

Help!

By Krissy - 01/04/2021 19:59

Today, at work on the front desk at a dental office, there was a massive system glitch. I'm now currently recreating appointments for around 300 patients, on top of checking out the patients that are currently in today from their appointments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 52

By shizzy09 - 13/04/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 427

You deserved it 5 107

By mikey - 14/10/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 137

You deserved it 7 037

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Top comments

Aelaena 6

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:05

You should have looked inside because if there really was a baby I would have went straight in, not wait for the cops.

redbluegreen 40

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:10

You should've checked mate, but your heart's in the right place. I think. If it was a real baby, it could've died between the time you heard it and the time the police came in.

Aelaena 6

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:05

You should have looked inside because if there really was a baby I would have went straight in, not wait for the cops.

epicenur 2

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Sunday 11 April 2010 18:59

it's a prom night dumpster baby!

TrollHunter 0

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Tuesday 15 June 2010 1:15

haha yhea

super3286 14

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Sunday 20 June 2010 6:50

family guy :)

Allstarr23 1

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Friday 3 December 2010 16:47

So you were concerned enough to follow the noise, but then you find out it's coming from a dumpster and you don't go in after it? You call the cops and wait!? You fail at life

miianah1 22

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Saturday 22 February 2014 7:19

I wouldn't have jumped in. Have you heard about the death of a man who went in a dumpster which was emptied into a garbage truck. Which killed him since the garbage truck has compressors inside.

XQuartzX 15

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Thursday 15 January 2015 8:41

Its not like she would just stay in there long enough to get picked up by a dumpster truck

keoct 4

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:05

How can you not tell the difference between a plastic doll and a real baby?

uhazsquiads 0

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Sunday 15 August 2010 8:41

GO SUCK A FREAKING LEMON U SELFISH SEXIST JERK LEARN HOW TO RESPECT GIRLS

jonan1212 5

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Monday 4 October 2010 13:07

 LOL

Kiki_Venom 0

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Monday 7 March 2011 1:13

I've got a one year old daughter and I'm telling you baby dolls look real now they have ones that can cry with tears and everything they move kicking there and legs it's crazy.

thes7274473 19

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:50

"Baby Alive, the baby's so real!"

hardcorecaslol 3

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

T1MT1M 0

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:06

haha #2 fails and needs a faster connection

MIAMIBITCH_fml 0

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:07

LOL fail, #2. Fail, OP, as well. But I have bad eyesight too.

Squidie64 0

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:08

......Just wow. Did the cops bust you for a 'false emergency'? Cause that would suck.

SweetestSin 4

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:09

While you should have checked to make sure it was real or not first, a plastic doll going off by itself is creepy enough no wonder why it was in the trash.

redbluegreen 40

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:10

You should've checked mate, but your heart's in the right place. I think. If it was a real baby, it could've died between the time you heard it and the time the police came in.

Sjolie 0

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 12:11

LOL That would explain the convo I had with 911 the other day: "THERE'S A BABY IN THE DUMPSTER!" "Don't worry ma'am. Is it real?" "WTF THERES A BABY" "I'm hanging up on you now."