Animals: Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML

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Call CPS!

Blender time!

People are strange

By Sal - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

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By Passive ass aggressor - 8/4/2021 02:00

Cranky

Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him or act bitchy about anything not his fault, he has a wank and goes to sleep rather than bother asking me for sex. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By man-period? - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

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By Idiots - Canada

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By gumless - United States

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

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By INeedaNewJob - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By Aldoch

Today, my daughter was still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

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By The captain - Canada

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

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By dad - United States

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By Squid - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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By -_- - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

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By iheartmorons - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

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By Hungrey - United States

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

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By Knaxer - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML

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By spaaaarta

Today, I was washing my car, I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML

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By innocent

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

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By pops up - United States

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

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By Predator - 21/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Such a healthy environment

Today, on my first full day on Marine Corps boot camp, my drill instructor pulled me and another kid in front of 200 other recruits to vote on who was uglier between the two of us. I won. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I stretched out my wedding dress on my bed so it could air out before the big day tomorrow. Later I returned to my room only to find my cat on my wedding dress, it peed on it. FML

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By a7xforever - United Kingdom

Get out

Today, I got to my weekly drama group a bit late. Everyone looked surprised when I walked in. Casually, I sat down and apologised for being late. I thought everyone looked awkward, probably because it turned out I'd been kicked out of the group. The teacher had decided to announce it before making sure I'd got the email. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Not funny

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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By NotSoYoung - Canada

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

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By probably single - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at QuickTrip. As I was leaving, I passed a woman who was saying "stay" very sternly through her open driver's side door. I smiled as I passed, saying "Your dog wants to follow you huh? I've been there." She glared at me and said "No. That's my son. He's mentally challenged." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

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By weirdome23 - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

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By whatthefuck - United States - Providence

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By Samantha - 19/11/2020 13:08 - United States - Kingsport

Ma'm, we closed 10 minutes ago

Today, I had a woman throw a clipboard and yell at me to then storm off, still yelling in the mall where I work, all because I'd told her it was too late to do a piercing tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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By teardrops - Australia

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Bronx

Stay safe out there

Today, for the third time in less than a week, my dumbass roommate has a bunch of friends over. None of them are wearing masks and I don't feel comfortable leaving my room. I'm fucking starving and can't go to the kitchen to get food. The idiot is a fucking nursing major. FML

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By jobless - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nit-wit candidates. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom told me that my new concealer is way too dark and makes my skin look hideously orange and uneven. I wasn't wearing any makeup. FML

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By psd60 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML

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By mothers - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By Tytonic - United States - Havertown

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

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Top comments

By Lemou_fml | 25

#7461086 - Saturday 27 May 2017 12:28

It's better than a rabid polar fox. When they are, they chase people to bite them.

By wpam1978 | 7

#7415253 - Thursday 23 February 2017 14:12

This gave me a chuckle but I'm very sure it wasn't very funny to you. Sorry that happened to you.

COMMENTS

By wpam1978 | 7

#7415253 - Thursday 23 February 2017 14:12

This gave me a chuckle but I'm very sure it wasn't very funny to you. Sorry that happened to you.

By Lemou_fml | 25

#7461086 - Saturday 27 May 2017 12:28

It's better than a rabid polar fox. When they are, they chase people to bite them.