Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high... - FML

By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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And probably giggling

Deadly cocktail

Craft beer bores

By anonymous - United States - La Verne

Today, I searched our neighborhood for our lost dog. After screaming at the top of our lungs, driving around in circles, and asking strangers, we realized we took him to the groomers this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 05:01

QUIET PLEASE

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

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By needabettermirror - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By tardspawn - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By Anonymous

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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By Insomniac

Today, and for the past four years, the only time my husband stops snoring while asleep is so that he can fart. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on the train, a man kept grabbing my crotch. When I told him to stop, I got yelled at for harassing an elderly man. FML

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By yamuda - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

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By yacoob - United States

Today, I figured out that my baby-powder container can be closed by twisting the cap. I just got back from a long trip. My suitcase used to be black. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply: "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

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By alltern8ive - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

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By HSPARKS - 12/5/2020 05:00

Big baby man

Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML

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By Ali

Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML

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By yardswoman

Today, I was mowing my yard when I hit a small rock, which hit my shed. I got done mowing and realized that it wasn't a small rock, it was my son's toy plyers and it wasn't my shed, it was my car window, which had shattered on impact. FML

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By Bitchjackedmyball - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

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By upsetandunjustified - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

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By allergies - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

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By And you think I'M crazy? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML

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By Kristen Duncan - United States - Spokane

Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 20:00

Breaking Badly

Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML

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By quit fucking up my life - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

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By PartyPooped

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By firelava - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I waited two hours in line at college to select my classes. I finally got to the desk, only to be told I have to apply online before I can show up in person. FML

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By kutekittykatz - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pensacola

Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML

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By Nick - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By Gen - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

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By frenchienyx

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

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By jen - United States

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother's day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said "You shouldn't have, pancakes are fattening." She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00

Hard to bare

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

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By bad boyfriend - Canada

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, my two best friends decided to boycott Valentine's Day, ditching their boyfriends to hang out together. Not only am I single, but I wasn't invited. FML

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Top comments

By lolwhat_fml | 0

#252337 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:41

how the hell did he get a boner from winning a race?

LOL

By Dolarhyde | 0

#252365 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:40

lol your dad seems cool

COMMENTS

By nuked | 0

#252327 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:41

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By lolwhat_fml | 0

#252337 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:41

how the hell did he get a boner from winning a race?

LOL

Reply

noobienick | 19

#5771761 - Friday 29 November 2013 3:28

He apparently likes bike racing. A lot.

By lolwhat_fml | 0

#252338 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:43

LOL AT NUMBER 3 : D
and how did he get a boner from winning a race?

By miranda_panda | 0

#252348 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:44

yeah, #5, agreed. was there like a hot teacher around?

By afrances | 0

#252363 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:42

i accidentally commented twice, sorry

By Dolarhyde | 0

#252365 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:40

lol your dad seems cool

Reply

evamusical | 12

#3580513 - Sunday 13 November 2011 16:45

Seems like he also saw the hot soccer team

By lvlvv | 0

#252366 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:45

haha nastyy

By blackdog_fml | 0

#252370 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:46

lololol

By irishfever | 0

#252371 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:46

hmmm... hot dad?
;)

By nuked | 0

#252373 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 1:39

LOL!

Reply

zwassman1 | 0

#1877096 - Wednesday 22 December 2010 10:55

jjj

Reply

Sammiches | 12

#3410731 - Sunday 9 October 2011 23:05

Winning means a lot to him..
Added note: Lewis in Spandex!