Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good...

By Sexy Rash - 21/2/2014 23:26 - Australia - Wallgrove

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

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Intimacy

Extreme late fees

FML every way you look at it

All for nothing

By Nicole - 3/4/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

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By Johannes_712 - 5/7/2019 12:00

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

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1546

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 07:39 - Australia - Balwyn North

Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By Traumatized - 5/3/2011 19:57 - Israel

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

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By sucksatlove - 25/7/2013 23:20 - United States - Sewell

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

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By wtf - 10/1/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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By t2t2sync - 3/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

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By wheatsnake - 8/10/2009 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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By lonelygirl - 17/8/2012 23:33 - United States - Circleville

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

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By Cathy - 17/1/2012 00:33 - United States

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

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By dammit - 1/2/2012 08:22 - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

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By not-so-young-shortie - 18/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

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By anonymous - 25/6/2013 06:12 - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 00:00 - New Zealand

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I'm ignored and bored so much at my dream job that I've started bringing in my fanfiction to write when no one is around. Which is 80% of the day. I'm training to be a civil engineer. My experience writing fanfiction should take me really far in my chosen career. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 14:45 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By bleachingmykidsbrains - 1/7/2015 23:38 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

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25632

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By anonymous - 25/3/2015 04:24 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

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By Shit - 27/4/2014 17:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 09:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew my girlfriend to Paris for our one year anniversary. Little did I know that instead of going up the Eiffel Tower and over looking the most romantic city she would rather spend it in bed with a French man. FML

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By bobafett892 - 2/10/2016 17:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

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By virgin - 25/11/2018 20:00

Early program

Today, I was so excited because tomorrow I'm going to be losing my virginity. I just used the bathroom and I got my period. FML

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273

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By catwoman - 31/10/2009 04:34 - Australia

Today, I learned why my bathroom has a horrible, seemingly irremovable stench. My cat doesn't squat to pee like a normal cat. She stands up, peeing over the side of the litter tray all over the wall and floor, which are now a permanent yellow tinge. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

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By gleefan116 - 28/8/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML

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33417

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2016 20:28 - United States - Fremont

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend, when his doorbell rang. He said it was his friend and that he'd be back soon. He shut off his video feed but forgot to mute his audio. A few minutes later, I heard him and some orgasm-faking girl getting it on in the background. FML

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By SadPuppy - 22/5/2013 07:14 - United States

Today, while grieving over the loss of my Grandpa, I called my girlfriend for comfort. After I had cheered up, she said, "Don't worry, he went to Hell anyway." FML

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By .__. - 16/7/2013 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By moms know best??? - 27/7/2013 21:41 - Canada - Morinville

Neat

Today, I received some unwanted anal sex tips. They were unwanted because I'm not into anal sex, and the tips came from my drunk mom. FML

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - 11/12/2018 04:00 - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2019 02:01

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

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1376

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By Dispute - 8/8/2011 05:30 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from a long day at work fixing people's electronics. When I got home, I got a call from work saying I needed to go back and help a customer with their TV again. When I got there, after an hour of driving, I realized I'd accidentally kicked the power cord out. FML

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By ItchItchBaby - 9/9/2017 13:00

Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By kacysospacyy - 15/7/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his fifteen year old daughter, the dog. FML

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By coffee_princess - 22/7/2010 23:14 - Canada

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

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35842

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2011 00:26 - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

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34816

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 16:00

They Do.

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

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By vikhelios - 30/1/2010 18:45 - France

Today, my heating broke. It's 22 degrees outside, and my father won't let us call someone to fix it because apparently the cold helps the soul grow. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2014 17:53 - United States

Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2013 20:13 - Germany - Koblenz

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

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Top comments

By whyusofat | 17

#5865388 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Dont make any rash decisions now op. just explain what was going on. No need to scratch the surface of a possibly good friendship you two might have.

By Agtthepw | 21

#5865404 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:24

The relief smile probably contributed to the awkwardness.
What happen then? Did your roommate just leave the room with a sorry-that-I-disturbed-you face?

COMMENTS

By Kibaruto | 33

#5865387 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Did you stare while doing so?

By whyusofat | 17

#5865388 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Dont make any rash decisions now op. just explain what was going on. No need to scratch the surface of a possibly good friendship you two might have.

dawsonstar | 15

#5865488 - Saturday 22 February 2014 6:38

This comment. The puns hurt.

drewflav | 17

#5865532 - Saturday 22 February 2014 7:58

They may hurt but they're not overused ones like the majority seen on FML. I actually thought it was funny!

samgreco | 5

#5865545 - Saturday 22 February 2014 8:28

#25 i agree! Lol

By MegaError101 | 10

#5865396 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:22

He will understand, just tell him.

By Markymark1202 | 12

#5865403 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:23

He's like"Can you not FAP right i front of me!!!"

PenguinBitch | 43

#5865423 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:31

Yeah OP, can you not FAP because you're a girl.

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5865489 - Saturday 22 February 2014 6:40

girls can fap... don't they have those tiny little penis thingys.

canupls | 6

#5865500 - Saturday 22 February 2014 7:04

@clay_pidgeon yes, and they also have two tiny little balls that hang down below to go with it.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5865561 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:18

actually girls *schlick schlick schlick*

paigexox0 | 37

#5865563 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:18

#23, idk what kind of girls you've been with but last time i checked im proud to say i didnt have a tiny penis thingy

kozzard | 17

#5865598 - Saturday 22 February 2014 11:16

I think 23 was referring to a clitioris(sp) which develops into a penis when the genetic coding kicks in and changes the "default" gender from female to male. I could be wrong, trying to use logic on the Interwebs

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5866643 - Sunday 23 February 2014 20:33

yes #35. I was referring to a clitoris.

By Agtthepw | 21

#5865404 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:24

The relief smile probably contributed to the awkwardness.
What happen then? Did your roommate just leave the room with a sorry-that-I-disturbed-you face?