Intimacy: Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good... - FML

By Sexy Rash - 21/02/2014 23:26 - Australia - Wallgrove

Spicy

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 512

You deserved it 8 306

Stop talking!

Hiding from the drama

On deaf ears

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 535

You deserved it 3 890

By Username - 28/07/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, I got the worst sunburn I've ever had in my life, and then discovered I'm allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 445

You deserved it 3 641

By Anonymous - 24/08/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I walked out of the operating room at the end of an emergency case. I spent ten minutes talking to a woman about her son before we realized I was talking to the wrong family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 214

You deserved it 28 665

By leahkasscar - 06/12/2017 00:00 - United States

Today, I kissed my 3.5 GPA goodbye because my English teacher was too caught up planning her parrot's birthday party to put in the credit I deserve for three different essays I completed for her class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 183

You deserved it 359

Honest mistake

By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 11:01

Spicy

Today, my girl and I with got caught having sex in the car by cops. They thought we were smoking bongs because the windows were foggy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 704

By TronCat8230 - 20/05/2017 12:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 999

You deserved it 2 116

By BlueBallMcGee - 11/05/2009 12:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 619

You deserved it 6 995

By killme - 29/12/2012 22:33 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 722

You deserved it 4 070

By idgit42 - 27/07/2010 22:15 - United States

Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 699

You deserved it 30 284

Old lady hotline

By fml9124 - 02/11/2020 08:08

Today, I called the Suicide hotline. I dialled the number wrong and woke some poor old lady. She thought I was her son and kept asking me, "How come you don't visit anymore?" I told her I couldn't visit because of the Covid pandemic. I lied to an elderly woman I've never met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 080

You deserved it 163

By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 17:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 356

You deserved it 43 984

By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 739

You deserved it 579

By Rumors - 12/12/2013 11:27 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 589

You deserved it 6 084

By yikes - 02/03/2013 15:32 - United States

Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and forgot a bag to pick up his poop, since it's illegal to not pick it up in my town. Right as my dog started to take a dump, a cop car drove by and continued to watch me as I was forced to pick up the poop with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 351

You deserved it 22 685

By Anonymous - 22/06/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a person named Chris. The entire time I couldn't figure out if Chris was a man or woman. The interview went as good as it could have went. At the end I said, "Thank you very much sir." Wrong gender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 358

You deserved it 18 923

No smoking

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 244

By Anonymous - 12/02/2019 00:00

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 163

You deserved it 203

By Hotdamnthisismyjam - 16/06/2009 00:32 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 033

You deserved it 6 585

By foreveralone - 01/12/2014 14:37 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 233

You deserved it 10 888

Spray it loud!

By klutz44 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Winnetka

Today, I took my 2 year-old to a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 190

You deserved it 2 968

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 07:25 - Australia

Spicy

Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 735

You deserved it 2 884

By thanksmom - 20/07/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 668

You deserved it 4 097

Smoking hot dude

By Anonymous - 05/07/2018 19:00

Today, I told my parents that I'm a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That lead on to part two of my confession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 192

You deserved it 692

By Happy Employee - 31/08/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 226

You deserved it 2 695

By kennyjhynes - 23/06/2014 13:56 - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 878

You deserved it 5 274

By Anonymous - 08/06/2015 19:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 005

You deserved it 3 195

By Anonymous - 09/07/2016 15:14

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 870

You deserved it 897

By minecraftwilldie - 02/06/2011 16:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 091

You deserved it 14 654

By hdat - 11/06/2009 17:51 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 805

You deserved it 16 156

By very very lonely - 24/09/2016 04:18

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 442

You deserved it 1 699

By Anonymous - 03/03/2017 12:00

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. Couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 836

You deserved it 940

By Livingthedream - 12/08/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 872

You deserved it 440

By Anonymous - 20/09/2015 13:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 629

You deserved it 3 417

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 14:04 - United States - Midlothian

Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 722

You deserved it 5 316

By NYCguy - 20/01/2010 03:59 - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 597

You deserved it 15 721

It's not me

By LDF - 25/12/2008 10:30 - France

Today, I was sitting in a train when the old lady sitting next to me started staring at me. I asked her if she was OK, and she exclaimed, "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?" The entire train trip went like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 068

You deserved it 1 920

By Noname - 07/01/2009 15:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 443

You deserved it 56 353

Sharing is caring

By Carla J. - 19/12/2008 05:41 - France

Today, I got ready to stay over at my boyfriend's house. I brought food, new lingerie, and I got a bikini wax. I did stay overnight, but I was holding a bucket for him because he had gastroenteritis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 616

You deserved it 2 840

By Kathryn - 13/08/2011 10:31 - Belgium

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident. One of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "asshole" afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 380

You deserved it 41 036

USA! FUCK YEAH!

By dinkley7 - 20/03/2021 21:30

Today, at work, I had to tell someone to put out a cigarette. He yelled at me saying it’s a free country. I work at a gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 978

You deserved it 56

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Dont make any rash decisions now op. just explain what was going on. No need to scratch the surface of a possibly good friendship you two might have.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:24

The relief smile probably contributed to the awkwardness. What happen then? Did your roommate just leave the room with a sorry-that-I-disturbed-you face?

Comments

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Did you stare while doing so?

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Dont make any rash decisions now op. just explain what was going on. No need to scratch the surface of a possibly good friendship you two might have.

Send a private message

Saturday 22 February 2014 6:38

This comment. The puns hurt.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 7:58

They may hurt but they're not overused ones like the majority seen on FML. I actually thought it was funny!

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Saturday 22 February 2014 8:28

#25 i agree! Lol

MegaError101 10

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:22

He will understand, just tell him.

Markymark1202 12

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:23

He's like"Can you not FAP right i front of me!!!"

PenguinBitch 43

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:31

Yeah OP, can you not FAP because you're a girl.

Clay_Pidgeon 11

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Saturday 22 February 2014 6:40

girls can fap... don't they have those tiny little penis thingys.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 7:04

@clay_pidgeon yes, and they also have two tiny little balls that hang down below to go with it.

cryssycakesx3 22

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Saturday 22 February 2014 9:18

actually girls *schlick schlick schlick*

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Saturday 22 February 2014 9:18

#23, idk what kind of girls you've been with but last time i checked im proud to say i didnt have a tiny penis thingy

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Saturday 22 February 2014 11:16

I think 23 was referring to a clitioris(sp) which develops into a penis when the genetic coding kicks in and changes the "default" gender from female to male. I could be wrong, trying to use logic on the Interwebs

Clay_Pidgeon 11

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Sunday 23 February 2014 20:33

yes #35. I was referring to a clitoris.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:24

The relief smile probably contributed to the awkwardness. What happen then? Did your roommate just leave the room with a sorry-that-I-disturbed-you face?

PenguinBitch 43

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:25

"It also didn't extend to us o_o" -NSA through webcam

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:25

well as long as you clarified what was going on, I'm sure they would have understood.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 6:05

Unless the roommate's a headstrong idiot.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:26

HA HA HA! I thought this was hilarious(: Hopefully your roommate understands :D

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:29

Look into their eyes and tell them it wasn't you

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:31

Well you do have "rashional"explanation for the misunderstandment.

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Saturday 22 February 2014 9:25

You didn't.. Oh but you did. Good one!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 36

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 276