Intimacy: Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good...

By Sexy Rash - Australia - Wallgrove

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

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Intimacy

Sewer monster

Big bastard boss

So you had a bad day…

By aurelj1 - United States - Colleyville

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and am single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

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14019

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By seethroughpee - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

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32178

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By Jenna Berreth

Today, being my usual clumsy self, I slipped on the stairs and landed on my tailbone. Hard. Now, I can't even sit up. I have to drive to school and sit on a very hard plastic chair for four and a half hours tomorrow. FML

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1434

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By melikeyturtles - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to break up with him since he's always busy, and I haven't seen or spoke to him in almost 2 months. I arrived to find out from his landlord that he'd moved out 3 weeks ago, leaving a note saying that we were over. FML

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By HungerStrike - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

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41078

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By getmoneyab - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

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28066

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By kmctl - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

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29857

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By Face fucking palm - United States - Albany

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

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40190

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By raiyne

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

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25580

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By Username - United States

Today, I got a really bad sunburn on my face while at the lake. Not to worry, though; my friends made me feel better by saying, "It takes the attention away from your acne." FML

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By pathetic - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

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25591

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

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25095

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By Central

Mom of the century

Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML

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1502

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was talking to a guy I really liked, hoping that he would ask me out. Eventually he asked for my number. I was so excited that I couldn't remember it. FML

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By Annonymous

Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

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29678

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By breakfast tea - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML

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8686

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 11:01 - Slovakia - Senec

Whackjobs 'R Us

Today, I realised that 3/4 of my family are prone to believe conspiracies and are anti-Covid freaks. I want to keep our relationships, but every discussion ends in an argument about some conspiracy they believe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

988

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139

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By Roxas - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

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39707

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3222

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By Anonymous - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

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48838

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By Megan - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

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21495

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2301

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By introublenow - United States - Tallahassee

Whoops

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

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16925

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By John Doe

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

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1942

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437

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By sonice - United States - Duluth

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

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27351

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By not_trained_for_this - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

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31949

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By LustyDragon

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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2868

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By emperor - Bangladesh

Today, I woke up screaming. Why? Well, I was complaining to my dad yesterday about how I always hit the snooze button and just roll over when my alarm goes off, and how that results in me being late for morning classes. My dad thought he'd help out by placing a mousetrap on the snooze button. FML

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By sex sent me to the Er

Life imitates bad art

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

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782

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By Nochnoii - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

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31554

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By EnemyofKarma - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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7250

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By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my 11-year-old son and I took an IQ test for a laugh. To be honest, I've often suspected that I may have some form of mental retardation, but I didn't expect to get a score of 79, while he got one of 114. FML

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By jjgirl - 1/11/2020 05:02

Weight Watchers

Today, I proudly announced to my mother that I would cut down on sugar. Without missing a beat, her response was, “Out. You need to cut it out.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

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40517

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By lemonhead

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

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By UnluckyInk - United States - Manlius

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

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40127

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By hitchhiked - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

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By Christine

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

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Top comments

By whyusofat | 17

#5865388 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Dont make any rash decisions now op. just explain what was going on. No need to scratch the surface of a possibly good friendship you two might have.

By Agtthepw | 21

#5865404 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:24

The relief smile probably contributed to the awkwardness.
What happen then? Did your roommate just leave the room with a sorry-that-I-disturbed-you face?

COMMENTS

By Kibaruto | 33

#5865387 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Did you stare while doing so?

By whyusofat | 17

#5865388 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:20

Dont make any rash decisions now op. just explain what was going on. No need to scratch the surface of a possibly good friendship you two might have.

dawsonstar | 15

#5865488 - Saturday 22 February 2014 6:38

This comment. The puns hurt.

drewflav | 17

#5865532 - Saturday 22 February 2014 7:58

They may hurt but they're not overused ones like the majority seen on FML. I actually thought it was funny!

samgreco | 5

#5865545 - Saturday 22 February 2014 8:28

#25 i agree! Lol

By MegaError101 | 10

#5865396 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:22

He will understand, just tell him.

By Markymark1202 | 12

#5865403 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:23

He's like"Can you not FAP right i front of me!!!"

PenguinBitch | 43

#5865423 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:31

Yeah OP, can you not FAP because you're a girl.

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5865489 - Saturday 22 February 2014 6:40

girls can fap... don't they have those tiny little penis thingys.

canupls | 6

#5865500 - Saturday 22 February 2014 7:04

@clay_pidgeon yes, and they also have two tiny little balls that hang down below to go with it.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5865561 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:18

actually girls *schlick schlick schlick*

paigexox0 | 37

#5865563 - Saturday 22 February 2014 9:18

#23, idk what kind of girls you've been with but last time i checked im proud to say i didnt have a tiny penis thingy

kozzard | 17

#5865598 - Saturday 22 February 2014 11:16

I think 23 was referring to a clitioris(sp) which develops into a penis when the genetic coding kicks in and changes the "default" gender from female to male. I could be wrong, trying to use logic on the Interwebs

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5866643 - Sunday 23 February 2014 20:33

yes #35. I was referring to a clitoris.

By Agtthepw | 21

#5865404 - Saturday 22 February 2014 5:24

The relief smile probably contributed to the awkwardness.
What happen then? Did your roommate just leave the room with a sorry-that-I-disturbed-you face?