Kids: Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 23:47 - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 094

You deserved it 5 235

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

You're a natural

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

By PISSED - 07/11/2009 11:58 - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I call her to find out where she lives. She answers the phone only to hear my father yelling in the background, "stop talking to that whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 114

You deserved it 5 169

By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 22:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 277

You deserved it 3 358

By nycplywood - 18/11/2009 21:01 - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 371

You deserved it 32 014

By brbkillingmyself - 08/08/2015 22:52 - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 904

You deserved it 2 909

By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 649

You deserved it 8 817

By Brenden - 14/05/2013 23:52 - United States - Massillon

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 120

You deserved it 6 997

Hidden

By fml9124 - 20/09/2019 14:00

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 317

You deserved it 154

By idontevengetpaid - 05/09/2016 04:35 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 107

You deserved it 15 133

By James - 30/03/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 130

You deserved it 5 171

By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - 07/03/2010 00:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 173

You deserved it 2 222

By Lindso1 - 06/07/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 148

You deserved it 228

By fuck off, eh! - 07/03/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 347

You deserved it 5 080

By FGum - 30/07/2009 05:56 - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 455

You deserved it 87 681

By forgetful - 30/10/2015 21:16 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 006

You deserved it 6 574

By STUPID BIRTHDAY - 05/03/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 974

You deserved it 6 903

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 03:48 - United States

Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 276

You deserved it 3 041

By Black - 12/12/2008 03:31 - Lebanon

Spicy

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 216

You deserved it 3 799

By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 22:30

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 575

You deserved it 180

By Anonymous - 15/08/2018 20:30

Today, I rested my face against my boyfriend's shoulder while we watched a movie. I didn’t realize he had put Icy Hot on the same shoulder right before I sat down. I cried in pain. He cried with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 705

You deserved it 418

By 30000 - 02/01/2015 03:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit, I absentmindedly opened the bathroom drawer and spat in there instead of in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 045

You deserved it 12 882

By ouch - 16/09/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 226

You deserved it 5 868

By wishbone - 14/04/2009 20:41 - Canada

Today, a cute boy told me I looked like a celebrity. Flattered, I asked who I resembled. He responded by saying that I looked exactly like Ugly Betty. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 605

You deserved it 5 633

By ssenmodnaR - 27/07/2016 16:30

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 995

You deserved it 1 116

cringe intensifies

By ShamefulShoop - 31/05/2018 19:00

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 479

You deserved it 267

By Anonymous - 25/01/2019 20:00

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 801

You deserved it 956

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 03:29 - Australia

Today, a customer complimented me on how good I looked for my age. She thought I was in my forties. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 258

You deserved it 4 101

By LolaBell - 24/04/2015 14:12 - United States - Brookfield

Today, my husband admitted that he's been spying on me for the last 5 years to see if I was cheating, out of paranoia brought on by his own cheating for all 5 of those years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 582

You deserved it 2 211

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 08:00

Spicy

Today, my mom walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. Later, police turned up because mom thought she was underage. I had to desperately prove to some very angry officers that I met my girlfriend at university, and she’s almost a year older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 052

You deserved it 137

Logic

By tampon of doom - 27/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, I found out from a cousin why my older aunts treated me so differently when we were growing up. Apparently, my mom told them that when I was 14, I wanted to use tampons instead of pads. According to their backward, archaic logic that meant I was sexually active. No wonder they hated me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 60

Morning conversation

By Anonymous - 15/03/2021 08:01

Today, I went into the bathroom only to discover my dad on the pot. “Oh, sorry”, I say and turn to leave. His reply, “Oh I don’t mind. Just having a shit here.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 153

By eMmA01 - 14/04/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 325

You deserved it 13 604

By waitthatsnotme - 15/08/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, after dating my girlfriend for about a month she decided to change her Facebook status to taken. When I saw the update I immediately clicked "Like." Then I looked up and saw I wasn't the person she had put herself in the relationship with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 172

You deserved it 5 520

Unfit

By naagodinho - 09/01/2012 14:56 - Portugal

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 843

You deserved it 4 747

By Lisa - 02/01/2010 07:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 759

You deserved it 35 778

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 01:12 - United States

Today, while on a cruise that I paid for, I was forced to babysit my 5 bratty nieces while my sister and her deadbeat boyfriend relaxed in the kid free zone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 377

You deserved it 5 340

By butterflyzag20 - 28/02/2013 03:28 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 916

You deserved it 7 783

By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 888

You deserved it 2 453

By DexiCola - 11/08/2016 17:02 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I asked my manager where the clearly-foreign customers were from. She said she didn't know, but she thought they were from ISIS. She wasn't trying to be funny, she thought ISIS was a country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 789

You deserved it 963

By Goldo - 22/06/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 058

You deserved it 4 280

By Disappointed Mom - 31/07/2016 20:31 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 606

You deserved it 1 018

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Top comments

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:57

I think these kids may have watched Home Alone one too many times...

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:53

Nothing worse than stepping on Legos. Why not strategically place Lego to get them back?

Comments

NeatNit 32

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

iLike2Teabag 27

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Sunday 24 March 2013 10:25

"Getting paid well" after taking balls to the face. Hmm....

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Sunday 24 March 2013 11:00

Your name and comment match perfectly

natsaysheyyy 16

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Sunday 24 March 2013 19:08

Spike their food with sleeping medicine and let them wake up bald. Tell their parents they did it to themselves when you were cleaning a mess they made.

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Sunday 24 March 2013 20:03

That's just what kids are like.

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Monday 25 March 2013 4:46

#57 What the actual fuck hahahaha

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:53

Nothing worse than stepping on Legos. Why not strategically place Lego to get them back?

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Sunday 24 March 2013 12:16

Not to take away from OP's moment but I once stood on a full row of staples. The worst part was pulling them out. FYL, OP, get a bag of lollies, eat them in front of them and tease those kids!

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Sunday 24 March 2013 18:08

Why not just wear shoes in the house?

dont_doubt_me 29

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Sunday 24 March 2013 23:46

In some places, it's considered rude to wear shoes indoors. Also, some people don't like people wearing shoes in their homes because it gets inside dirty.

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Monday 25 March 2013 5:22

I think it's kind of gross to wear shoes indoors. You track dirt from outside all over the place, not to mention germs of whatever you might have stepped on that day. The worst is when people wear shoes on their beds/other furniture!

tswizz 13

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:54

And the Lego bricks strike again..

Smokingweenies 3

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Sunday 24 March 2013 17:27

My God they're learning!

Grootensliven 10

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:56

Demon spawn geniouses

mattlw 25

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Sunday 24 March 2013 15:53

What is a genious?

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Sunday 24 March 2013 16:18

a genious is slang for 'a person who looks up words they don't know on Google'

mattlw 25

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Sunday 24 March 2013 21:59

I've never heard of a genious. I know what a genius is. ;)

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:56

Ew kids ew Them legos burn like a thousand suns thats for sure.

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Sunday 24 March 2013 16:24

*looks at comment, shakes head in disappointment *

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:57

I think these kids may have watched Home Alone one too many times...

FarFromSocial 9

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:59

They were out for blood!

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Sunday 24 March 2013 9:59

Wow, talk about baby sitting budding evil little geniuses!

crackmore278 13

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Sunday 24 March 2013 10:00

Legos, a child's land mine.

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Monday 25 March 2013 2:29

You can unlock those in Call of Recess : Elementary Warfare 3. VERY effective.

HeyHeyFishFillet 34

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Sunday 24 March 2013 10:01

Lie and the ground and fake groaning in pain. Once they hopefully come near you, grab them and tape them up. Then proceed to eat their chocolate pudding. By now, you will have shown them who's the boss and they will forever follow your orders. You're welcome OP.

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Sunday 24 March 2013 18:24

Just stop them before they worship you as a god, or start building shrines in the backyard to commemorate your power.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 84

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 87