Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML
Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for the night so she could calm down. All I did was suggest her headache might improve with paracetamol and a nap, as opposed to the burning sage stinking up our bedroom and the crystal wand she had pressed against her eyes. FML
Today, for our anniversary, I asked what my wife wanted and she said not to bother spending money, so I didn’t, and she called me a tight git. Then for her birthday I bought her a gift anyway and she had a go at me for ignoring her wishes and wasting money. I literally cannot win. FML
Today, after reading about microplastics and taking a look at our ratty plastic containers, I tossed them all and spent some money buying some decent glass containers. My wife spent the evening giving me a metric ton of shit because apparently the crappy plastic containers were "sentimental." Fucking spare me. FML
Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML
Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don't like. FML
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML
Today, my wife was painting in the garage when she unplugged a random plug to charge her stupid, smelly vape without thinking about what it was she was unplugging. It was the large chest freezer. About £500 in meat and the entire bottom tier of our wedding cake defrosted and ruined. FML
Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML
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Top comments
EffTrae 0
Tofu cake? magic healing crystals? Homeopathic remedies? Who buys stuff like that
NitroTonicsFML 4
Chocolate teapot? o_o
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Comments (229)
KestrelGirl 15
Homeopathy works. (I've tried it... I'm a total health nut.) But healing crystals? ... :/
DoomedGemini 38
You married her knowing how she does things and her attitude. She should be able to buy what she wants if it's money she has earned. If you are low on money why don't you TALK to her rather than mock her?
Mibby 11
MMm, chocolate teapot.
treeboshazamm 4
@lectricpharaoh Amazing. A coherent and well argued point.... It's both sad and wonderful that the world can contain views and opinions that can exist without even the shakiest of frameworks of truth.
SmashingOyster 4
homeopathy can actually work really well (at least for me)
the_tofu 17
While I understand the chocolate teapot metaphore....how fantastc would a solid chocolate teapot be!!! A whole tea set of solid chocolate! taking a nibble from the spout or the cup.... Mhm...chocolate... so that´s the thought that will sustain me during the work day. Have a good one!