Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML
Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML
Today, my pregnant wife has been crying for hours after she found out that I’d slept with the woman who does her ultrasounds. That woman happened to have been my prom date nearly 20 years ago and I had no idea she moved back in town, let alone worked for our doctor. FML
Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, I was looking over reservations for an upcoming work trip, and saw that my work would cover the "romance package" at a nice hotel. I laughed. My coworkers laughed. When I told my wife, not only did she not laugh, she burst into tears and screamed, "I knew you were cheating!" FML
Today, my wife hit a new level of clingy when she picked the lock on the bathroom door so she could sit with me while I shat. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML
Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML
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Top comments
allykaymorris 24
At least she's not paranoid that you're sleeping with the maid.
iluvyahh 16
Well, it's possible.
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Comments (43)
fantasyworld 39
I'd make her see a therapist.
kevinsagirl2323 8
she needs therapy.
millsjoshua949 12
Don't you need to um....transfer the goods rather quickly? I don't think that stuff has a long shelf life.