Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he started to... - FML

By Becca - 9/1/2018 13:30 - Australia

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he started to really get into it and get rough. He tore my labia and I now need stitches. FML

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Capitalism kills

Fashion Police

My body, my choice

By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 20:44 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

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By sick - 21/9/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I decided I would call in sick to work after working 60 hours the week before just so I could have a day off... My body responded this morning with vomiting and diarrhea so I had to call in sick and didn't get to have much fun... Karma 1 Me 0. FML

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By Ineedjustice03 - 25/3/2011 11:55 - Singapore

Today, I had to dig into my savings to help my parents pay for their divorce. FML

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By misc - 16/1/2009 12:19 - United States

Today, my boss reeks of mothballs. We share a cubicle. FML

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By ... cheers - 16/7/2013 20:32 - United Kingdom - Bishopton

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

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By Blue_belle - 19/10/2019 04:00

Observational Comedy 101

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

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By thankspops - 29/9/2010 23:04 - United States

Today, I found out that the $200 a week I was paying my dad for my car insurance and payment, wasn't actually paying my insurance and car payment. How did I find out he wasn't paying? Repo man took my car. FML

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By alyssabree42 - 4/8/2012 06:56 - United States - Estacada

Today, I learned that when you hear a bump in the night, it's best not to check your parents' room. Some things cannot be unseen. FML

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By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By 205 - 13/11/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

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By hazeblaze - 6/10/2017 23:15

Today, I noticed that my dad's Whatsapp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML

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By anon - 28/4/2012 14:31 - United States - Washougal

Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML

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By Bex - 20/1/2017 16:00

Today, I got back home after traveling in internet-scarce areas. The first thing I did when I got a solid connection was withdraw from a study abroad program I couldn't afford. Later I found the email telling me that I had been offered an all-expenses-paid scholarship. Too bad I'm not going now. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 19:00 - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

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By AnnoyedandAutistic - 1/6/2017 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

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By Broguy - 6/7/2011 02:20 - Canada

Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML

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By BadBreath - 9/4/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2010 06:11 - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 09:19

Today, I saw a bike locked to a short bollard, making it very easy to steal. Being as nice as I am, I stayed, hoping the owner would come soon and no one else would take it. Then the guy who bullied me in highschool showed up, asked me what I was doing, laughed at me, took the bike, and left. FML

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By Embarrassed - 7/8/2012 07:48 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

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By Freelman - 6/5/2015 14:34 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I tried to write a bad review for the fast-food place at which I work part-time. My username made me anonymous, but I forgot to change my profile picture. Now my manager and coworkers won't even speak to me. FML

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By shorty4 - 13/7/2012 14:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

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By it's just hair - 15/2/2018 19:00

Today, I was sent home from work because my new haircut "looks too much like Hitler". FML

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By connor1701 - 27/2/2017 20:00

Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML

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By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 18:38 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 18:00

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

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By Notabum - 31/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By walkingisfun - 2/7/2017 20:00

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 07:02

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 06:00 - Australia

The devil is in the details

Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

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By hungry - 8/3/2012 19:15 - Canada

Today, I'm participating in a 30 hour awareness-raising event on famine in Africa. I'm supposed to hand out leaflets to people from my booth. My school decided to hand out a literal crate-load of free cupcakes right in front of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2015 23:55 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

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By ripdivine - 24/2/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

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By skollasch - 25/9/2014 06:21 - United States - Highland

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

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By nofriends - 9/2/2016 05:17 - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. The only issue was the fact I didn't have any friends to make it happen. FML

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By coolkid111 - 27/3/2011 00:26 - United States

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

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By Liam. - 1/2/2010 05:15 - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said 'Nice chair.' She replied 'Nice bruise' and punched me in the nuts. FML

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By I don't want to be here anymore - 3/11/2014 21:16 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

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By Evolution mama - 5/2/2014 19:52 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7583922 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:08

He took the phrase “eating you out” way too literally!

For revenge, you ought to give him a blow job and inflate him!

By exileonmainst | 16

#7583921 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:07

Use a mold of your dad’s penis instead. 0% risk of torn labias, guaranteed! If you need lube, there’s this woman in Canada who’s giving away a bunch of olive oil for some reason.

COMMENTS

By exileonmainst | 16

#7583921 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:07

Use a mold of your dad’s penis instead. 0% risk of torn labias, guaranteed! If you need lube, there’s this woman in Canada who’s giving away a bunch of olive oil for some reason.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7583924 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:09

I should take off my diaper and smear feces all over this comment!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7583922 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:08

He took the phrase “eating you out” way too literally!

For revenge, you ought to give him a blow job and inflate him!

Reply

boopingsnoot | 23

#7583967 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:52

Inflate? Or is this a foreskin joke us 'Murricans won't get?

Reply

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#7583990 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 7:57

She can make a balloon animal out of it when she’s done ?

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7583927 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 3:19

he got a cat tongue?

By weeping_willow | 25

#7583951 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:02

What the hell?

By worldclassrager | 39

#7583953 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:11

For some reason I want to know how he managed to do this unless he has his cock pierced

Reply

boopingsnoot | 23

#7583964 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:44

He was "eating her out" aka cunnilingus. No penis involved. He bit her bits.

Reply

David Horgan | 8

#7584354 - Wednesday 10 January 2018 2:47

Found the virgin

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7583965 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:45

Well, at least I know what tonight's nightmare is gonna be about...

By AXel2169 | 23

#7583996 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 8:16

Anyone seen the movie "Raw"? It's the first thing that came to my mind while reading this

By smarterass | 6

#7584013 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 9:08

Is his nickname the Thunder Down Under?

Reply

Tarlachia | 33

#7584077 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 13:09

No, it’s thunderbolt and lightning. Very very frightening!

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7584099 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 14:21

Dude, you're not supposed to actually EAT the beef curtains!

By OCD_NME | 17

#7584163 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 17:05

This is why you should always practice safe sex