Intimacy and Health: Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he started to... - FML

By Becca - Australia

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he started to really get into it and get rough. He tore my labia and I now need stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5890

You deserved it

568

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Dementia or hate? You decide

Still better off without him

By EmbarrassedGirlfriend101 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40150

You deserved it

7492

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58528

You deserved it

7530

Tweet

Share

By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10129

You deserved it

68697

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31499

You deserved it

6624

Tweet

Share

By BAMashleyx3

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1831

You deserved it

631

Tweet

Share

By horny I’m so horny - 15/4/2021 17:00 - United States

Frustrating!

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1199

You deserved it

224

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Collins

Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27375

You deserved it

16058

Tweet

Share

By Flyier

Today, as a flight attendant, I had to deal with a passenger staring at a stewardess constantly and masturbating. His wife was sitting next to him and didn't mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4843

You deserved it

259

Tweet

Share

By tenniemo

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1393

You deserved it

380

Tweet

Share

By tom0441 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park when I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me so feeling nice I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27940

You deserved it

6798

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53927

You deserved it

4365

Tweet

Share

By Hellasboy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, driving to work, I stop to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honks their horn, so I decide to drive slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pull into the car park and notice the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23347

You deserved it

6674

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was accepted to college and received a scholarship equal to almost half the tuition. After sharing this news with my parents, I spent the next 35 minutes getting yelled at about how I wasn't allowed to go there because my boyfriend might go there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40681

You deserved it

2475

Tweet

Share

By Celeste - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35532

You deserved it

3238

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was leaving the office, I heard my very cute coworker behind me say "Hey gorgeous, where are you off to?" I turned around with a smile and said "About to hit up happy hour." He was on the phone with his wife. I'm calling in sick tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29383

You deserved it

12151

Tweet

Share

By fuck but no fuck - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I finally felt ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. It all went great, until I tried putting the condom on him. In the process, I managed to nick his penis not once, but three times with my nails. His eyes brimmed with tears and he completely lost his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51959

You deserved it

28228

Tweet

Share

By AnxiousCucumber - United States - Los Angeles

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20228

You deserved it

2157

Tweet

Share

By Stormbringer

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33361

You deserved it

4100

Tweet

Share

By lonelyheart4ever - United States - Norman Park

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15237

You deserved it

1439

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Levittown

Today, I fell asleep on the couch. My parents didn't wake me up, went to bed and set our burglar alarm. If I trip a motion sensor, a siren will go off. The motion sensor in my living room is pointed directly at me and I have to pee. It's been 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36377

You deserved it

4399

Tweet

Share

By ThatsNotRight - United States

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8861

You deserved it

30938

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36474

You deserved it

5153

Tweet

Share

By therewasnocurtain - United States - Lewiston

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35951

You deserved it

2523

Tweet

Share

By greaaaatt. - United States

Today, I found out that I get to spend the next two weeks at my grandparents house, which smells like cat litter, while the rest of my family takes a cruise through the Carribean. They can't afford to take a ninth person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41877

You deserved it

2911

Tweet

Share

By best breast

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5075

You deserved it

643

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at the park with a friend when I said "Gotta go, sorry. I've got court in an hour." The lady on the bench next to us then loudly complained how disgusting I was for being a criminal and threw her bird seed at me, dirtying my suit. I'm a lawyer with a case in an hour, not a criminal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55101

You deserved it

3851

Tweet

Share

By tammyg - United States

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27384

You deserved it

6255

Tweet

Share

By leez - United States

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33978

You deserved it

1822

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39153

You deserved it

4556

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 05:00

Egg mode

Today, my house cleaner discovered I cross-dress as she was cleaning. She found the pretty nightgowns I wear to bed and other items. Now she wants extra money or she will make my cross dressing public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1057

You deserved it

291

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy studying for finals, but that he'd take me out another day instead. He later drunk-dialled me from a party demanding a lift back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43993

You deserved it

4218

Tweet

Share

By asthmasucks - United States

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65087

You deserved it

3577

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24955

You deserved it

2405

Tweet

Share

By Poopalipa - United States

Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24799

You deserved it

3275

Tweet

Share

By Gerry - 3/1/2021 17:03

Fate, up against your will

Today, according to my wife of 30 years, I'm finally old enough that I look, smell, sound and act like my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

674

You deserved it

91

Tweet

Share

By blabbermouth - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13013

You deserved it

37137

Tweet

Share

By spooked - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49625

You deserved it

3777

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 18:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Keep the peace

Today, my girlfriend accidentally put rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then the old lady took all the rubbish out and threw it on the floor. I came out and tried to calm the situation, but then my girlfriend ran downstairs and tipped her cat food and cat milk bowls over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

629

You deserved it

83

Tweet

Share

By not on life, that's for fucking sure - United States

That went well

Today, I went to a big job interview. As I walked in, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Other highlights include my voice cracking multiple times, sweating profusely and getting uncontrollable nervous giggling. The interviewer eventually stared at me in disbelief and asked if I was high. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37415

You deserved it

5076

Tweet

Share

By wtf dad - 22/7/2020 23:00

Property law

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2234

You deserved it

566

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7583922 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:08

He took the phrase “eating you out” way too literally!

For revenge, you ought to give him a blow job and inflate him!

By exileonmainst | 16

#7583921 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:07

Use a mold of your dad’s penis instead. 0% risk of torn labias, guaranteed! If you need lube, there’s this woman in Canada who’s giving away a bunch of olive oil for some reason.

COMMENTS

By exileonmainst | 16

#7583921 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:07

Use a mold of your dad’s penis instead. 0% risk of torn labias, guaranteed! If you need lube, there’s this woman in Canada who’s giving away a bunch of olive oil for some reason.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7583924 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:09

I should take off my diaper and smear feces all over this comment!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7583922 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 2:08

He took the phrase “eating you out” way too literally!

For revenge, you ought to give him a blow job and inflate him!

Reply

boopingsnoot | 23

#7583967 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:52

Inflate? Or is this a foreskin joke us 'Murricans won't get?

Reply

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#7583990 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 7:57

She can make a balloon animal out of it when she’s done ?

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7583927 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 3:19

he got a cat tongue?

By weeping_willow | 25

#7583951 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:02

What the hell?

By worldclassrager | 39

#7583953 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:11

For some reason I want to know how he managed to do this unless he has his cock pierced

Reply

boopingsnoot | 23

#7583964 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:44

He was "eating her out" aka cunnilingus. No penis involved. He bit her bits.

Reply

David Horgan | 8

#7584354 - Wednesday 10 January 2018 2:47

Found the virgin

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7583965 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 5:45

Well, at least I know what tonight's nightmare is gonna be about...

By AXel2169 | 23

#7583996 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 8:16

Anyone seen the movie "Raw"? It's the first thing that came to my mind while reading this

By smarterass | 6

#7584013 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 9:08

Is his nickname the Thunder Down Under?

Reply

Tarlachia | 33

#7584077 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 13:09

No, it’s thunderbolt and lightning. Very very frightening!

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7584099 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 14:21

Dude, you're not supposed to actually EAT the beef curtains!

By I'madumbass | 19

#7584167 - Tuesday 9 January 2018 17:11

The labia can get ripped?!