Kids: Today, my wife is unreasonably mad at me for telling our kids...

By chillnhill - United States - Shippensburg

Today, my wife is unreasonably mad at me for telling our kids to call toilet paper, "Butt Floss". FML

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chillnhill tells us more :

OP here, many thanks to those that saw the humor in this! For those that think "YDI", you should know that this happened a VERY long time ago and my kids have all grown up to be successful adults with rich fulfilling lives...

Kids

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Hope springs eternal

Night terrors

By BrokeAsHell - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

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By Soline - France

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

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35109

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By why? - United States

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

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32891

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By AnotherCrazyCatLady - 17/6/2021 09:31 - Australia - Strathalbyn

Ironic

Today, I found out that I have Dysarthria, a condition where you can't pronounce certain words. I can't even pronounce the condition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML

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40138

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By That Person - Australia - Coolbellup

Today, I missed out on my first cooking lesson because I was an hour late. I cannot go to the rest of them because if you don't attend the first class then you are not allowed to attend the rest. I just spent $70 on a cooking course that I won't be able to attend. FML

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By figures - United States

Today, I got a card from the jewelry store thanking me for purchasing an engagement ring a year ago and wishing me and my fiancée a long and everlasting marriage. Too bad my fiancée took off with the pizza delivery boy 6 months ago. FML

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37553

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By Girl With a Cold

Today, I was sick, so I emailed my co-workers with a list of my hours, asking if anyone would be willing to cover them for me. I only got one hour covered, and that was during a day I don't even work. FML

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23728

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By anonymous - United States - Huntington

Today, I sent my girlfriend a text this morning saying I love you. I rarely do this and instead of receiving the same message back, I got a message from my girlfriend accusing me of meaning to send it to someone else and dumped me. FML

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By birdguts - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

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By Garry - United States

Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML

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24119

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By Robert

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

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5805

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By ehbe - France

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're F*ing, go away". FML

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40899

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By Crushed

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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3009

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2021 11:01

Rock, hard place

Today, my parents have decided to ground me if I don’t wake up early. If I wake up early, I get migraines. Not only that, but the migraines always last for exactly as long as the grounding. FML

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791

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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33580

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By WestboroBC - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

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7415

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By murphy - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

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34343

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By tornkhakis - United States - Bloomington

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML

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37118

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after staying in bed all day for a week from sickness, I get up to tell my mom I have terrible back pain and feel extremely dizzy. After curling up on the chair next to her, not being able to keep my head up for too long, she simply stares at me and says, "Can I finish my dinner now?" FML

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26059

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennewick

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

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By Pandaling - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

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27565

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By Colton - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

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10938

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2020 17:01

Bad timing

Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML

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1952

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

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33357

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By khaoslife - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By Darth Binks - Canada

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

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28334

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

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25168

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

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41110

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By Embarrassed - United States

Today, I had to sneeze really bad in a restaurant. To avoid sneezing on everybody's food, I turned my head to the side and sneezed, it just so happens a waitress was there serving a table. My nose went straight into her ass. FML

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By Watchyourstep - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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37572

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By MamaMia

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

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2573

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By *sigh* - United States

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

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31808

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By forest killer girl

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

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3164

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By Helseac

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

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2640

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By Anonymous

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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Top comments

By james98e | 15

#6407653 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:04

There will be no butts in this arguement

By MrsPegg | 45

#6407656 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:06

Still better than "Ass Wipe".

COMMENTS

By james98e | 15

#6407653 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:04

There will be no butts in this arguement

spencer4148 | 20

#6407715 - Friday 11 September 2015 13:57

It's spelled argument. There will be no butts in this argument!

extrasnipes | 22

#6407722 - Friday 11 September 2015 14:20

There may not be any butts but, there sure is an ass!
@28

interesting33 | 36

#6407740 - Friday 11 September 2015 15:09

I don't know. It was a funny line #1 made - clever :) But I don't think #28 was out of line correcting them. Most of the time the fml community is all over spelling mistakes

conman531 | 23

#6407792 - Friday 11 September 2015 16:34

#28, there will be no grammar Nazis in this thread

UserError94 | 18

#6407799 - Friday 11 September 2015 16:45

Ain't no chill tho

Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6407831 - Friday 11 September 2015 17:28

Yeh noe gramarr nazes.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6407841 - Friday 11 September 2015 17:49

38, FML seems to be changing (for the worse in my opinion). Lately I haven't seen a single correction get positive votes.

trucker2 | 33

#6407846 - Friday 11 September 2015 17:56

Damn,you beat me to it.

Exobadger | 15

#6407975 - Friday 11 September 2015 19:41

Call them shit tickets instead.

americanafrican | 32

#6408027 - Friday 11 September 2015 20:42

that is a win^^

By sighlifeman | 12

#6407654 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:05

mad she didn't think of it first

jerzjay | 17

#6407671 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:36

I am seriously considering calling TP, butt floss for now on

False_Stupidity | 41

#6408283 - Saturday 12 September 2015 1:48

Me too #11.

By MrsPegg | 45

#6407656 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:06

Still better than "Ass Wipe".

assassinmaster | 22

#6408292 - Saturday 12 September 2015 2:00

lmao you made my point

derangedplanet | 23

#6413476 - Friday 18 September 2015 13:21

My favorite is shit hole. my younger sister looked at me once and said "you literally just called me a toilet" and any anger that existed was drowned out to dying laughter.

By I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6407657 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:07

"Today, my husband decided to teach our kids to call toilet paper "butt floss". He doesn't know why I'm mad. FML"

By jqmalang | 17

#6407659 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:13

That's actually a good one! But I guess she's just mad because your kids might spread it and you guys will be known as those parents.

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6407813 - Friday 11 September 2015 16:59

no you won't...

trucker2 | 33

#6407860 - Friday 11 September 2015 18:00

Lol, I picture the movie Grownup's bad for your image

By khorstmye | 15

#6407660 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:14

Every one knows that butt floss is really just a thong!! You will confuse your kids!

By alphafish17 | 16

#6407663 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:21

I'd be mad too if I found out I married a 12 year old

buddy_J | 16

#6407825 - Friday 11 September 2015 17:14

And I would be mad if I found out I married a stick in the mud

Lalala579121 | 27

#6407842 - Friday 11 September 2015 17:50

I would be more impressed than anything if you were legally able to marry a stick in the mud.

slackerjoe | 22

#6408053 - Friday 11 September 2015 21:05

or someone without a sense of humor? which would be more welcome?

ArturoJames | 13

#6408183 - Friday 11 September 2015 23:54

I'd be more surprised if It'd be legal to marry a 12 year old..

By hellnosucka | 27

#6407668 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:29

it will be a great childhood memory for them.

By Schala360 | 27

#6407669 - Friday 11 September 2015 12:32

Cause Murica

SweetSociopathy | 24

#6407921 - Friday 11 September 2015 18:54

That is the second time this week someone from South Africa has said that, or maybe it was you both times. Regardless, it seems you've forgotten the political, education, and health problems in your own country. You also have plenty of idiots, like the girl who faked suicide because her mother bought her an android instead of an iPhone. Don't stereotype people.