Miscellaneous: Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared to move out. Apparently that includes the majority of things I bought last week to replace all of her stuff she is taking. FML

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Miscellaneous

Freak out

Not now, mom!

Persona non grata

By sideeffect001 - United States - Logan

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

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By insurance lies - United States

Today, I had to get an MRI. I double and triple checked to make sure there was no out-of-pocket cost. When I arrived at the testing center, I was expected to pay full price for the test. It costs $2,360. FML

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By flea-bitten - United States

Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 08:00

Hello everyone!

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

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By ghoul

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

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By Helpless

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

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By CheapFamily - United States

Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML

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By Nearly blind

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

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By Franco - United States

Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML

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By Anonymous

Romantic mood

Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuck buddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was in an Austrian bar, making polite conversation in my broken German with a slightly odd middle-aged man. He said, winking, that he was near to his pension. I smiled and nodded, thinking he was talking about retirement. My friend later informed me that 'pension' is German for 'apartment'. Ew. FML

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By ShittyWalls - United States - Moorestown

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

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By fuck you, tasha - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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By hot4donny - United States

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

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By SeeingLlamas - United States - Knoxville

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

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By Girl123999 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By alipallie - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML

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By meet Chloe - Australia

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

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By atsukobo - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

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By fml_anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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By condom_kid - United States

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

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By BadgerSpirit - United States

Spooky

Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML

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By crazy dog lady - 2/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Furry family

Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML

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By grossedout - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By why - 6/11/2020 23:01

Delusional

Today, I was at work. I had a male patient expose himself to me. He then apologized and said he thought that's what I wanted. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bedford

Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

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By Scotty - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

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By Garcia2284

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gurnee

Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

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By brinn - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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By Blöde Gans - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

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By anna - France

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished moving to my new apartment that is 45 minutes away from my old one because my workplace would be closer. I then get a phone call from my boss telling me that he will transfer me to another workplace (closer to my old apartment). FML

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Top comments

By Weetart | 8

#3370103 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

Take it all back and let her know you were the one who bought it. If she wants proof she her your receipts.

By Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370109 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

And you're not saying anything about it? You realize she can't take your property, its te equivalent of theft.

COMMENTS

By LeoF_fml | 0

#3370101 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

fyl

By Weetart | 8

#3370103 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

Take it all back and let her know you were the one who bought it. If she wants proof she her your receipts.

Weetart | 8

#3370117 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

*show

hott15 | 0

#3370121 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

Forreal. That's just straight up rude.

Keyman1212 | 14

#3370134 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:31

Bitch is jealous of all your new kitchen accouterments.

13FTW | 9

#3370145 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:33

Time to go shopping again!

enonymous | 8

#3370241 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:00

This is why all my Kitchen stuff is superglued or nailed down in my apartment.

tylersign | 11

#3370260 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:05

Are you the roomate with the gun...? Yes? Then now we know the story behind that FML.

XKXKKXK | 10

#3370377 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:41

Hehe. Steal her underwear. That'll show her.

karagarren | 8

#3370482 - Friday 30 September 2011 20:55

maybe this is the roommate who bought that gun. if so id let her have everything. o.O

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370582 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370585 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370587 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

sublimaze | 6

#3370640 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:52

If you let her take all of your stuff, then she will need a new doormat too.

bawpo | 2

#3370926 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:18

LOL

Jaxx66 | 21

#3371176 - Saturday 1 October 2011 0:32

I dunno... I think YDI for putting everything in the kitchen early. Should do that AFTER she packs it.

tjv3 | 10

#3371200 - Saturday 1 October 2011 0:36

well don't let her, and YDI if you do let her

nonye | 2

#3371870 - Saturday 1 October 2011 5:45

Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!

schaflava | 0

#3373011 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:05

Love her then kill her

By Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370109 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

And you're not saying anything about it? You realize she can't take your property, its te equivalent of theft.

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370153 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:34

The*

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3370331 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:25

If you don't speak up, then you are going to end up with nothing. So what if you guys get in a fight she's moving out right?

By kippyco | 6

#3370113 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

you should take some of her new stuff and see if she notices.

pancakechick | 8

#3370139 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:32

I doubt she has any hence her talking OP's stuff.

By ohxdamnxkay02 | 12

#3370115 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

take the shit back from her ?

Caitlin72 | 5

#3370868 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:07

@ 27 Watch HER mouth? Did you even look at what you wrote on your own profile? (Yes, I creeped.)

Grimmerie | 31

#3371356 - Saturday 1 October 2011 1:30

27, you're the same fucking age as she is. holy shit, some people.

By cudi504 | 4

#3370123 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

Stand up for yourself dont let her walk all over you

Rico_Mal1116 | 0

#3370723 - Friday 30 September 2011 22:30

Yeah! Unpack all her stuff and maker her do it again!!

meelo88 | 13

#3371559 - Saturday 1 October 2011 3:03

seriously!!! if she walks out with your stuff you deserve it for not having a backbone!

ahoytheredank | 0

#3372075 - Saturday 1 October 2011 6:28

I like your picture

By xyriss | 0

#3370126 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

By MineDub5253 | 0

#3370128 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:30

Theft? Police?

cptmorgan6 | 8

#3370513 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:04

Surprise buttsecks?

Fay303 | 5

#3370852 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:05

Not gonna lie I laughed my ass off at that ;)

By arrowshockey18 | 2

#3370130 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:30

Knock that bitch out!

ItsTheKing | 10

#3370178 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:40

YEAH VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER! Or maybe they can talk it over, but that would be a silly idea.

farhil | 14

#3373168 - Saturday 1 October 2011 14:44

Violence is NEVER the answer. Violence is the question. The answer is yes.

By NoNotTheFace | 8

#3370147 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:34

Is she a violent roommate with a new shotgun? Or are you afraid that if you anger her she might stab you? If not, punch that bitch in the face and bitchslap her boobs.