Miscellaneous: Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared to move out. Apparently that includes the majority of things I bought last week to replace all of her stuff she is taking. FML

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Miscellaneous

Last dates

Gratitude walks

Dicks aplenty!

By badtiming - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By tampondealer - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

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By Snow White

Today, I'm so pale that I managed to get a sunburn while sitting in a bus. FML

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By Poordaughter5 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By lifedoessuck12 - Philippines

Today, I had to wait outside Starbucks. While standing, I started day dreaming and didn't notice I had been staring at a table beside the window for a long time. Suddenly, someone went up to me and said "Try not to be so obvious". Sitting at the table was a girl with a huge cleavage. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

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By Bad Dad - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

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By Ro - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By Ooops - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By Stinky - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel in the rain in formerly waterproof boots. FML

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By yourstruly - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

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By all by myself - Ireland - Cork

Today, I decided to go to a therapy group to help with my anxiety and to meet people who felt similar. I joked with my friend that no one would turn up as people might feel anxious about going. I was right. I was the only one there. FML

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By loveyadad - United States - Watertown

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

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By PissedOff

Today, my husband sent me a short video of my snoring last night because I wanted to hear how bad I sound. The first few seconds went by OK, but for the rest of the clip I could barely hear anything else over the sound of my husband taking a long piss in our bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Perv

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

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By rook - United States

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

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By fuck you dad - Ireland - Carrickmacross

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

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By justhatelife - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back, where I work, and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML

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By MonsieurH - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

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By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

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By Bonngoo - United States

Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML

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By Countdown has begun

Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 20:02

Horsing around

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

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By playdated - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am so shy and friendless that my mother is literally setting up a play-date with one of her friend's daughters. I'm 25 years old and this is my best chance at making a friend. FML

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By Not Suicidal - 2/7/2020 05:04

Down the rabbit hole of assumptions

Today, a lady talking about the Bible came to my house. She looked at me and said I wouldn't need to cut myself if I had God in my life. Mom heard and did a thorough investigation of my body for scars. I had to bathe my rabbit last night, and he scratched me. They were from him. FML

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By issue

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mineola

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

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By bumblebee - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

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By Mrs. Terrified - United States

Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML

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Top comments

By Weetart | 8

#3370103 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

Take it all back and let her know you were the one who bought it. If she wants proof she her your receipts.

By Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370109 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

And you're not saying anything about it? You realize she can't take your property, its te equivalent of theft.

COMMENTS

By LeoF_fml | 0

#3370101 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

fyl

By Weetart | 8

#3370103 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

Take it all back and let her know you were the one who bought it. If she wants proof she her your receipts.

Weetart | 8

#3370117 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

*show

hott15 | 0

#3370121 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

Forreal. That's just straight up rude.

Keyman1212 | 14

#3370134 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:31

Bitch is jealous of all your new kitchen accouterments.

13FTW | 9

#3370145 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:33

Time to go shopping again!

enonymous | 8

#3370241 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:00

This is why all my Kitchen stuff is superglued or nailed down in my apartment.

tylersign | 11

#3370260 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:05

Are you the roomate with the gun...? Yes? Then now we know the story behind that FML.

XKXKKXK | 10

#3370377 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:41

Hehe. Steal her underwear. That'll show her.

karagarren | 8

#3370482 - Friday 30 September 2011 20:55

maybe this is the roommate who bought that gun. if so id let her have everything. o.O

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370582 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370585 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370587 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

sublimaze | 6

#3370640 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:52

If you let her take all of your stuff, then she will need a new doormat too.

bawpo | 2

#3370926 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:18

LOL

Jaxx66 | 21

#3371176 - Saturday 1 October 2011 0:32

I dunno... I think YDI for putting everything in the kitchen early. Should do that AFTER she packs it.

tjv3 | 10

#3371200 - Saturday 1 October 2011 0:36

well don't let her, and YDI if you do let her

nonye | 2

#3371870 - Saturday 1 October 2011 5:45

Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!

schaflava | 0

#3373011 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:05

Love her then kill her

By Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370109 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

And you're not saying anything about it? You realize she can't take your property, its te equivalent of theft.

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370153 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:34

The*

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3370331 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:25

If you don't speak up, then you are going to end up with nothing. So what if you guys get in a fight she's moving out right?

By kippyco | 6

#3370113 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

you should take some of her new stuff and see if she notices.

pancakechick | 8

#3370139 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:32

I doubt she has any hence her talking OP's stuff.

By ohxdamnxkay02 | 12

#3370115 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

take the shit back from her ?

Caitlin72 | 5

#3370868 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:07

@ 27 Watch HER mouth? Did you even look at what you wrote on your own profile? (Yes, I creeped.)

Grimmerie | 31

#3371356 - Saturday 1 October 2011 1:30

27, you're the same fucking age as she is. holy shit, some people.

By cudi504 | 4

#3370123 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

Stand up for yourself dont let her walk all over you

Rico_Mal1116 | 0

#3370723 - Friday 30 September 2011 22:30

Yeah! Unpack all her stuff and maker her do it again!!

meelo88 | 13

#3371559 - Saturday 1 October 2011 3:03

seriously!!! if she walks out with your stuff you deserve it for not having a backbone!

ahoytheredank | 0

#3372075 - Saturday 1 October 2011 6:28

I like your picture

By xyriss | 0

#3370126 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

By MineDub5253 | 0

#3370128 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:30

Theft? Police?

cptmorgan6 | 8

#3370513 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:04

Surprise buttsecks?

Fay303 | 5

#3370852 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:05

Not gonna lie I laughed my ass off at that ;)

By arrowshockey18 | 2

#3370130 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:30

Knock that bitch out!

ItsTheKing | 10

#3370178 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:40

YEAH VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER! Or maybe they can talk it over, but that would be a silly idea.

farhil | 14

#3373168 - Saturday 1 October 2011 14:44

Violence is NEVER the answer. Violence is the question. The answer is yes.

By NoNotTheFace | 8

#3370147 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:34

Is she a violent roommate with a new shotgun? Or are you afraid that if you anger her she might stab you? If not, punch that bitch in the face and bitchslap her boobs.