Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared...

By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 15:12 - Canada

Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared to move out. Apparently that includes the majority of things I bought last week to replace all of her stuff she is taking. FML

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Miscellaneous

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Sister of the year

This ain't working out

By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

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By Bigpoppa0507 - 31/8/2011 14:02 - Canada

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

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By fatty - 17/11/2014 21:05 - United States - Gloucester

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

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By jaydiv - 22/11/2009 09:15 - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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By badtiming - 3/3/2015 17:18 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I received a rejection letter from a job I desperately wanted. Yesterday, the job offer I'd been stalling on in while waiting for news about this one expired. FML

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By Nobody - 27/11/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

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By nolove - 4/5/2009 02:12 - Canada

Today, before going to bed my phone lit up and I got all excited because I thought it was a text message. My phone was finished charging. FML

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By highschoolsucks - 21/1/2015 02:41 - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By Bengemon825 - 20/6/2015 19:03 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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By anonymous - 12/2/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

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By GrandmaShakers - 2/6/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

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By AnatomyLecture - 22/1/2017 14:00

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

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By Goatbeard - 15/2/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

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By fml - 5/1/2015 03:10 - United States

Today, these cute girls approached me and asked me to take a picture of them. One girl asked me if I could send it to her because her phone had died. I was excited to have her number, but it turns out that she deleted the message after she sent the picture to herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

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By khlonnae - 21/10/2017 19:30 - United States - Dayton

Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML

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By pineapple456 - 16/2/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

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By for fuck sake dad - 2/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

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By NowHomeless - 31/8/2010 23:13 - United States

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

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By crakbbyaparently - 31/1/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

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By why? - 12/4/2020 17:00

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

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By j - 14/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML

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By Angel - 22/6/2015 02:16 - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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By ummmmEW - 13/2/2010 00:04 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

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By pantyripper - 24/3/2014 12:39 - Australia - Essendon

Today, I ripped my old, worn underwear while trying to pick a wedgie in public. Half ended up in my hand. FML

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By sexyhobbit - 12/7/2014 00:26 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

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By clumsy - 10/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Stafford

Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By EpicMayonnaise - 26/8/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 11:18 - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:18 - Jamaica - Kingston

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML

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By SterlingEnigma - 25/9/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2012 12:12 - United States - Worcester

Today, my husband had a temper tantrum because I wouldn't get him a chocolate bar at the store register. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 20:04

High school drama

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

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By blinded - 11/2/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

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By cmore - 11/3/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

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By andy - 28/1/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

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By - 24/2/2020 02:00

Incomprehensible

Today, I arrived in Tokyo and went to stay overnight in a teeny airport cabin hotel with shared bathroom facilities. I used the little wicker baskets to put my clothes on and when I came out of the shower, I found someone had stolen my favorite top. Who steals dirty clothes?! FML

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By AmberHavoc - 2/1/2013 15:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

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Top comments

By Weetart | 8

#3370103 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

Take it all back and let her know you were the one who bought it. If she wants proof she her your receipts.

By Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370109 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

And you're not saying anything about it? You realize she can't take your property, its te equivalent of theft.

COMMENTS

By LeoF_fml | 0

#3370101 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

fyl

By Weetart | 8

#3370103 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:27

Take it all back and let her know you were the one who bought it. If she wants proof she her your receipts.

Weetart | 8

#3370117 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

*show

hott15 | 0

#3370121 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

Forreal. That's just straight up rude.

Keyman1212 | 14

#3370134 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:31

Bitch is jealous of all your new kitchen accouterments.

13FTW | 9

#3370145 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:33

Time to go shopping again!

enonymous | 8

#3370241 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:00

This is why all my Kitchen stuff is superglued or nailed down in my apartment.

tylersign | 11

#3370260 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:05

Are you the roomate with the gun...? Yes? Then now we know the story behind that FML.

XKXKKXK | 10

#3370377 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:41

Hehe. Steal her underwear. That'll show her.

karagarren | 8

#3370482 - Friday 30 September 2011 20:55

maybe this is the roommate who bought that gun. if so id let her have everything. o.O

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370582 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370585 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

chickenwalrus | 14

#3370587 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:32

why is everyone messing up the word show

sublimaze | 6

#3370640 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:52

If you let her take all of your stuff, then she will need a new doormat too.

bawpo | 2

#3370926 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:18

LOL

Jaxx66 | 21

#3371176 - Saturday 1 October 2011 0:32

I dunno... I think YDI for putting everything in the kitchen early. Should do that AFTER she packs it.

tjv3 | 10

#3371200 - Saturday 1 October 2011 0:36

well don't let her, and YDI if you do let her

nonye | 2

#3371870 - Saturday 1 October 2011 5:45

Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!

schaflava | 0

#3373011 - Saturday 1 October 2011 13:05

Love her then kill her

By Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370109 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

And you're not saying anything about it? You realize she can't take your property, its te equivalent of theft.

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3370153 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:34

The*

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3370331 - Friday 30 September 2011 19:25

If you don't speak up, then you are going to end up with nothing. So what if you guys get in a fight she's moving out right?

By kippyco | 6

#3370113 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

you should take some of her new stuff and see if she notices.

pancakechick | 8

#3370139 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:32

I doubt she has any hence her talking OP's stuff.

By ohxdamnxkay02 | 12

#3370115 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:28

take the shit back from her ?

Caitlin72 | 5

#3370868 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:07

@ 27 Watch HER mouth? Did you even look at what you wrote on your own profile? (Yes, I creeped.)

Grimmerie | 31

#3371356 - Saturday 1 October 2011 1:30

27, you're the same fucking age as she is. holy shit, some people.

By cudi504 | 4

#3370123 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

Stand up for yourself dont let her walk all over you

Rico_Mal1116 | 0

#3370723 - Friday 30 September 2011 22:30

Yeah! Unpack all her stuff and maker her do it again!!

meelo88 | 13

#3371559 - Saturday 1 October 2011 3:03

seriously!!! if she walks out with your stuff you deserve it for not having a backbone!

ahoytheredank | 0

#3372075 - Saturday 1 October 2011 6:28

I like your picture

By xyriss | 0

#3370126 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:29

By MineDub5253 | 0

#3370128 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:30

Theft? Police?

cptmorgan6 | 8

#3370513 - Friday 30 September 2011 21:04

Surprise buttsecks?

Fay303 | 5

#3370852 - Friday 30 September 2011 23:05

Not gonna lie I laughed my ass off at that ;)

By arrowshockey18 | 2

#3370130 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:30

Knock that bitch out!

ItsTheKing | 10

#3370178 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:40

YEAH VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER! Or maybe they can talk it over, but that would be a silly idea.

farhil | 14

#3373168 - Saturday 1 October 2011 14:44

Violence is NEVER the answer. Violence is the question. The answer is yes.

By NoNotTheFace | 8

#3370147 - Friday 30 September 2011 18:34

Is she a violent roommate with a new shotgun? Or are you afraid that if you anger her she might stab you? If not, punch that bitch in the face and bitchslap her boobs.