By JustTheWife - 12/05/2016 17:24 - Denmark
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I think you need a divorce lawyer. You shouldn't be anyone's second choice.
agreed!! OP you need to leave him! Marriage is hard enough when you're each others first pick. You are going to spend the rest of your life with him feeling insecure and he will always hold a flame for the one that got away. That's not something that can be fixed. Get out before its too late, I just hope you dont already have kids.
Ok, no, no and no. Not okay in any way. Talk to him, see if it's something you can or want to work out. If so, I'd set up boundaries real fast to not talk to her any more. Maybe even counseling to find out why you aren't the love of his life. And if not, bye Felicia to him. I wouldn't blame you one bit.
But it is his fault for marrying her if he didn't love her as much. That is completely unfair to her and he's been lying to her their entire relationship. Perhaps there's a way to work it out but probably not. Divorce might really be the answer in this case--and I never use the D word lightly.
#14 An annulment can be better because as #16 said, it's as if the marriage never happened. There's no one at fault in an annulment and the 2 people basically go their separate ways, it's less complicated than a divorce. However, there is no way in this case that the OP could get an annulment, they're very difficult to get and have very specific reasons. To get an annulment requires one of several criteria, 1) the marriage was never consummated and/or can't be consummated (considering the OP has 2 kids that doesn't hold up), 2) it was a shotgun wedding (forced), 3) one or both people were/are underage and had no parental consent, 4) marriage happened while under the influence (no legal consent), 5) the marriage is incestuous. These are the only reasons people are allowed annulments, and if the marriage has been consummated, it's pretty much impossible to get one. How long they've been married has no bearing on getting one, and whether the person loves their spouse also is not grounds for an annulment.
@3 you are one of the few people on here willing to think before screaming that op should jump right to divorce so good on you for being sane. @47 she didn't say that he said he never loved her and assuming that is nonsense. Think before you post things against someone's character.
@ #27: Actually, an annulment isn't that hard to get, at least not as hard as you think. All it takes is some kind of evidence that the marriage wasn't validly concluded on the day of the actual marriage. Even if the reason(s) for its invalidity were to disappear at some later time, it wouldn't matter (as long as you didn't request the "sanatio in radice" to validate the initially invalid marriage), as the canon law requires a valid marriage to only meet all of its conditions in that one short moment when the actual marriage is concluded. There are many different reasons through which you can get an annulment, and only one of them has to be met and proven. I.e. one of those criteria is the "internal consent of the mind". That means, if you say "yes", it is presumed that you mean it. Now, as you correctly said, love isn't required to get validly married, but if OP can prove that her husband would've never married her if given the choice to be with his "true love", it would be all the evidence the ecclesiastical court needs to see that there never was a valid marriage due to an initial lack of internal matrimonial consent. At this point the marriage, which has never existed, would get officially annuled.
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he has a point. he may love her, but he married you, proving that he loves you more. or, that is how it sounds to the "ideal" version of my thoughts. my less than ideal thoughts are: he may or may not cheat, or divorce you, depending on your actions. choose carefully.
Sorry, not sorry, but, "I love her, but I settled for you," is not really any indication at all that he loves her more than his ex. It just shows that he was willing to tolerate her because he couldn't have his ex, but I'm sure if the ex gives him any time of day, his "loyalty" would more than likely leave. He shouldn't have gotten married to her.
@5 yes that's what I got from it as well that he loved OP more than the other girl because instead of marrying her he married op. It is odd that you comment on everything and I haven't agreed with you on many of them but this time I can say I agree with your first paragraph. @8 he didn't say that and you're putting words in his mouth that weren't said, if you're going to assault someone's character at least be honest when quoting them.
If he loved OP more, he would not be declaring his love to his ex. What do you honestly think he wants to happen by doing so? If his ex reciprocated, I have no doubt he wouldn't hesitate to leave the OP, because why else would he be calling his ex "the love of his life"?
I am sorry this happened to you. What I will say about this is not romantic at all, but can be true for some people. I believe that being in love with "the love of your life" is a feeling and feeling tends to change with time without us being able to always do much about them, and this feeling in particular. Loving your wife is an action and we all have full control of our actions, and loving your wife can be maintained and develop and enhanced through an entire life. I also expect that your husband would not have married you without being in love with you. And is it not possible that he said that to spite you? Don't pay too much attention to what he says. Pay more attention to what he does. If he treats you right, he may still be the right man for you. If he does not treat you right, know that your happiness and future does not depend on him and take the action you want to have the life and future you want. Hope this help. Take care.
I honestly thought you had something insightful to say... Don't pay attention to what he says? So you're essentially suggesting that OP ignore him saying that he only settled for her? Not only that, but ignore what he's doing as well? Because your s/o going behind your back, confessing their undying love for someone else is something that you can just brush off while you focus on the "good" things about them? How does that work exactly?
He is communicating and confessing his love to his ex. you are suggesting that she should be ok with that. if he loved, respected and cared for his wife the way a husband should he would have never have reached out to his ex. he would have let the past be the past. he doesnt love his wife. why would he hurt her by telling her he loves someone else more?marriage is a commitment and does change and grow over time but his blantant disrespect is deplorable and unacceptable.
@10 @12 did you people even read his comment? He wasn't saying she should ignore him. He said that op should focus on what he does not what he says. To me it seems he just wanted to end the argument and was by no means saying she was his second but was instead saying that he had loved his wife more otherwise why would he have married her? People need to start taking the time to think before they start assuming.
If he just said the last part without the whole confessing his love thing, then this wouldn't be a big deal. There's more to marriage than passionate crazy love. The fact that he married you does say something...However! Homeboy was still confessing his love to another person behind your back. That's not okay. Most FMLers will say leave him, so I'm going to go with the older viewpoint and say go to counseling first before deciding anything.
Why was he confessing this to ex? Sounds very fishy to me. Time for a couples councillor. If he won't go together you need to go alone so that you can resolve. your feeling and make a decision on how you handle this. You deserve to be treated better. Good luck OP.