Health: Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs....

By akimbojuju - United States

Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML

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25839

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Health

My body, my choice

Roommate from hell

Get the message, dude

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

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45374

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By girl - United States

Today, in dance class we did a choreography where we wear two shirts and take one off in one quick motion. After I took mine off, the audience goes "aaah". Then I realize that I had taken both my shirts off as stood there with only my bra on. I was being videotaped. FML

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33208

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

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37101

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By fluke - United States

Today, I tried to stop a teenage boy from entering the woman's bathroom. When he argued with me I had him thrown out. Turns out, according to their parents and driver's license, it was a girl. FML

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12788

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By wtbfiber - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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29892

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By mermaidkeels - United States

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

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16846

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By Anonymous

Body Positivity

Today, after going through a major weight loss and change of lifestyle to better my confidence and health, I now have saggy thighs, arms and boobs, a deflated ass, two inches of hanging stomach, and have realized just how unsymmetrical my face is. Oh, and my physical health has never been worse. FML

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By o.v. - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

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16051

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By Anonymous

Driven

Today, I drove 3 hours to get to a class, just to have the professor leave a note on the classroom door saying that she wasn't coming. FML

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1543

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By seanzynotfonzyehhhhh - United States

Today, my boss told me to find the bad smell coming from the apartment we were working on. I found the bath tub about 4 inches high full of piss and spent the next hour bailing it out into a bucket because the drain wasn't connected yet. I have pee stain in all the wrong places. FML

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14374

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By anon

Smells like Toddler Spirit

Today, a toddler threw up on my backpack mid-flight. FML

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5519

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364

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By MadMax - United States - Nashua

Today, I rode my motorcycle to an appointment and parked in the parking garage. When I got out, some ass had pushed my bike from the spot and had boxed it in between the wall and his car. Apparently, he felt he deserved the spot more than me and didn't care if I wanted to leave. FML

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44188

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By TheAngryBird - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

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29302

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2694

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By dork - United States

Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML

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14828

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

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49643

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4127

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl - United States - University Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend has to picture someone else when we have sex. The most recent: my roommate. FML

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3276

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By Alexander D. - United States

That backfired

Today, I was fired for telling a customer's kid to shut his mouth. As revenge, I sent the CEO a picture I acquired months ago of my boss drunkenly pissing on a cow. He wrote that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and that I am "clearly an insufferable killjoy; a total liability to the company." FML

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8640

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By MetalAtlas - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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26567

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By pissedandpoor - United States - Meadville

Today, my wallet got stolen. I had a bunch of cash, my SS card and my license in it. Now I have to replace everything, only to have to renew my license again when I turn 21 in June. FML

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18918

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By scatter00x - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

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35996

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By Shamdog48 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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34747

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By vampire - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

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34280

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By bandcamp926 - United States

Today, after the two week winter break, I went back to school to find that the bookbag that I'd left in my car was covered in some creepy, pink gooey stuff. Under the freezing conditions, my lotion had exploded all over my notes and bag. FML

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11307

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By anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I auditioned for the role of Rizzo in a local production of Grease. The director told me I wasn't tough enough, and that my persona too sweet and childlike for the part. I asked if I should instead try out to play Sandy. He replied "I was being nice. Honestly, you're ugly and can't act." FML

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30919

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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45263

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By mclovin09 - United States

Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

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40971

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By Fack. - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

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47897

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 17:02

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

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1519

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By natedudelol

#choices

Today, at the self-checkout, I didn't have enough money for honey, so I just walked out with it and ended up getting caught. Now I have to hold a sign in front of the store wearing a big bumblebee costume. FML

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889

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By mhmm... cumsquats - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

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17791

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By ...

Today, I realized all of my boyfriend's and my dirty messages were being sent to my mom because I'd logged into messenger on her phone once without logging out. She sat me down and said, "I know your mouth's been on his wee wee." FML

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3311

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By Shampoodle

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

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3291

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383

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By DarkSerebii - United States

Today, a customer at work said his table was dirty. I asked which one he was sitting at so I could clean it for him. For some bizarre reason he got pissed and called my manager over. He ended up reporting us to corporate, and my manager got written up. He's blaming me for everything. FML

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45738

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3628

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By death bed - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I finished my shift at the nursing home. There was too much snow on the roads, so most of us had to stay overnight. Not only did I not get to go home, I also got stuck sleeping in the same bed that a resident had died in the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36211

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2465

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By Boner Ben

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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2602

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

The Terror

Today, it's my first day off in over two months. My colleagues disagree - they won't stop calling me. I'm not allowed to turn my phone off. FML

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1502

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By not saying it was whores, but... - United States

Today, I accidentally belched at the dinner table. At age 22, I got sent to my room with no dessert by my parents. FML

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37322

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By badluckryan - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

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24424

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By michael

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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475

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2740

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Top comments

By extrasnipes | 22

#6328498 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:13

Well don't keep us in the dark! How much does it weight?

By acp2002 | 23

#6328484 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

that sucks really hard

COMMENTS

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6328483 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:10

As much as you weigh because you're a king ;D

Amateur_Dank | 17

#6328561 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:49

What the fuck....

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6328564 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:51

That's the dumbest fat joke I've heard all day.

Ava_Darkflame | 26

#6328567 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:52

Smooth.

_ExcitedPotato_ | 8

#6328578 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 0:01

Not enough potato in this comment.

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6328592 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 0:16

#25 is your profile picture shrek with poop on his face

SpreadTHEKILLER | 14

#6328684 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:33

#33, That's not poop..

CliffyB03 | 28

#6328734 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 2:49

Apparently no one likes my smoothness.

kangx1 | 28

#6328811 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 4:59

No.

Sangue0608 | 26

#6328821 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 5:10

@#1&43 Obviously

Marshallino | 21

#6328961 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 8:29

Because it wasn't smooth at all.

By acp2002 | 23

#6328484 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

that sucks really hard

By expertsmilee | 26

#6328485 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

You couldn't lift it with your pinky?...wuss

mds9986 | 24

#6328493 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

Probably doesn't even lift.

extrasnipes | 22

#6328502 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:15

Do YOU even lift bro?

xluciferx666 | 21

#6328557 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:45

#11 yeah the cake to my mouth

AddictGamer | 16

#6328707 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 2:03

I lift the tab on the Oreo bag called 'lift'.

Ichiya | 29

#6328778 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 4:07

The cake is a lie.

By elizabeth_black | 26

#6328489 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

How exactly did this happen?

tomoc1990 | 6

#6331262 - Thursday 25 June 2015 2:32

I want to know too ??

By hafyyyy | 17

#6328490 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

so did it tell you the weight?

By ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6328491 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

How did your pinky finger find out

By carcinoid | 17

#6328496 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

sounds like you were stuck in quite the little situation

By extrasnipes | 22

#6328498 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:13

Well don't keep us in the dark! How much does it weight?

flufee2 | 27

#6328559 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:47

a handful :)

ArturoJames | 13

#6328667 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:06

Enough to break the ice. Hi I'm..

extrasnipes | 22

#6328679 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:26

...not funny

False_Stupidity | 41

#6329020 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 10:33

It weighs exactly 1 kingsizebed weight.

smackaroonial | 20

#6329546 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 20:56

It depends, is it a regular King, California King, Alaskan King? They're all so different!

_OF_WG_KTA_ | 15

#6331808 - Thursday 25 June 2015 14:38

He doesn't know. His pinky knows, though.

By karacakal2 | 30

#6328499 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:14

So how much does it weigh?

By gracehi | 31

#6328505 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:16

"According to my pinky, this queen sized bed weighs exactly MOTHER FUCKING OUCH!"