Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs....

By akimbojuju - 22/6/2015 15:12 - United States

Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML

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Health

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Grow up

By Anonymous - 26/2/2011 20:19 - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

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By monkeyzz - 12/10/2012 11:11 - United States - Sonora

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

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By Holly - 29/8/2012 04:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

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By foutu - 21/2/2010 11:52 - France

Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML

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By wnrz - 18/2/2012 20:26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

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By tdtf - 16/3/2016 09:11 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

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By fuckedup - 13/11/2009 19:13 - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 03:48 - United States

Today, my roommate, who has bipolar disorder and refuses to take his meds, tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because I threw out his moldy cheese. FML

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By MJjunior - 31/8/2011 16:04 - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 21:10 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

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By Username - 26/9/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my mother followed me to work to see what I got up to. I'm a fitness instructor in a ground floor gym that has big windows overlooking the street. She stood outside and waved at me for half an hour, while I tried to concentrate on teaching a visibly amused class. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2013 14:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was taking a peaceful stroll in the local park when a curious turkey decided to follow me. Trying to shoo it away, I swung my leg at it, as if to fake kick it. Being the stupid animal it is, it decided to fly into my leg as I swung, causing my foot to connect to its neck. It died. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2015 19:20 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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By anon - 3/12/2013 04:26 - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 02:00 - South Africa

Reasonable dude

Today, my fiancé told me that he expects me to agree to quit my job to cook and clean after we get married, or he will not show up at our wedding. He earns minimum wage and my salary is 17 times higher than his. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

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By fuuuuck - 28/11/2011 23:43 - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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By LMN - 31/7/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

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By Ignorant - 7/10/2017 06:00

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

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By Jeri - 12/2/2010 08:41 - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 14:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I stretched really hard when I woke up, only to feel something twang. This was followed by a really sharp pain. Thinking I'd given myself a hernia, I got up to check myself in the mirror, and was repulsed by the bulge I saw hanging out of my gut. Then I realised it was just my own flab. FML

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By stoolgal - 23/9/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

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By young and dumb - 27/8/2016 06:27 - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

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By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - 19/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

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By - 7/2/2020 18:00

Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 21:15 - United States

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 20:27 - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

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By ostler - 2/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By black_pheonix77 - 3/7/2020 02:02

Hi, how are you?

Today, even though I’m not allowed to be on my phone while on the line at work, I texted an unknown number. My manager looked at her Apple Watch. I'd texted my manager while on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 15:04 - United States - Houston

Today, my future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop because it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny and "looked more like a banana than last time." FML

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By eakthegeek - 10/1/2012 09:36 - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By TronCat8230 - 20/5/2017 12:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

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By Richmond24 - 29/7/2010 19:10 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

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By has an old monitor - 5/12/2014 14:00 - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 23:18 - United States

Today, I came home to find my little sister had decided to play hopscotch under our carport. Feeling a small childish urge, I decided to hop on one leg to the front door. I tripped and fell, slicing my knee open. FML

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By squirts - 27/11/2013 04:42

Today, I arrived home after leaving for college in August. My dad figured that the most appropriate way to welcome me back was a loud, piercing fart right when I walked through the front door. FML

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By cheeseburglar_9000 - 21/3/2013 01:11 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

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By ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV - 7/11/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

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By HeIsKindaRightTho - 16/9/2014 04:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

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Top comments

By extrasnipes | 22

#6328498 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:13

Well don't keep us in the dark! How much does it weight?

By acp2002 | 23

#6328484 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

that sucks really hard

COMMENTS

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6328483 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:10

As much as you weigh because you're a king ;D

Amateur_Dank | 17

#6328561 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:49

What the fuck....

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6328564 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:51

That's the dumbest fat joke I've heard all day.

Ava_Darkflame | 26

#6328567 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:52

Smooth.

_ExcitedPotato_ | 8

#6328578 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 0:01

Not enough potato in this comment.

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6328592 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 0:16

#25 is your profile picture shrek with poop on his face

SpreadTHEKILLER | 14

#6328684 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:33

#33, That's not poop..

CliffyB03 | 28

#6328734 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 2:49

Apparently no one likes my smoothness.

kangx1 | 28

#6328811 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 4:59

No.

Sangue0608 | 26

#6328821 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 5:10

@#1&43 Obviously

Marshallino | 21

#6328961 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 8:29

Because it wasn't smooth at all.

By acp2002 | 23

#6328484 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

that sucks really hard

By expertsmilee | 26

#6328485 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

You couldn't lift it with your pinky?...wuss

mds9986 | 24

#6328493 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

Probably doesn't even lift.

extrasnipes | 22

#6328502 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:15

Do YOU even lift bro?

xluciferx666 | 21

#6328557 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:45

#11 yeah the cake to my mouth

AddictGamer | 16

#6328707 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 2:03

I lift the tab on the Oreo bag called 'lift'.

Ichiya | 29

#6328778 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 4:07

The cake is a lie.

By elizabeth_black | 26

#6328489 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:11

How exactly did this happen?

tomoc1990 | 6

#6331262 - Thursday 25 June 2015 2:32

I want to know too ??

By hafyyyy | 17

#6328490 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

so did it tell you the weight?

By ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6328491 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

How did your pinky finger find out

By carcinoid | 17

#6328496 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:12

sounds like you were stuck in quite the little situation

By extrasnipes | 22

#6328498 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:13

Well don't keep us in the dark! How much does it weight?

flufee2 | 27

#6328559 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:47

a handful :)

ArturoJames | 13

#6328667 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:06

Enough to break the ice. Hi I'm..

extrasnipes | 22

#6328679 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:26

...not funny

False_Stupidity | 41

#6329020 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 10:33

It weighs exactly 1 kingsizebed weight.

smackaroonial | 20

#6329546 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 20:56

It depends, is it a regular King, California King, Alaskan King? They're all so different!

_OF_WG_KTA_ | 15

#6331808 - Thursday 25 June 2015 14:38

He doesn't know. His pinky knows, though.

By karacakal2 | 30

#6328499 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:14

So how much does it weigh?

By gracehi | 31

#6328505 - Monday 22 June 2015 23:16

"According to my pinky, this queen sized bed weighs exactly MOTHER FUCKING OUCH!"