Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

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Understandable

Misheard

Always ask for documentation

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

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By gross - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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By Tyto - United States - Lewes

Today, I learned that the only reason my girlfriend stayed with me is because I drove us to school every morning. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By Can2 - United States - Houston

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I looked through my girlfriend's phone book and saw two entries with my name. One had "(cute)" attached to it. I checked to see if it was my number. It wasn't. FML

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By byegeorge - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By Syrinth - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

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By manutdlol - Malaysia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

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By uhhh what? - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

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By Nosexever?

Today, my husband started a new job as an OTR truck driver. He was assigned one week of home time each month, which happens to be the same exact week my period comes every month. FML

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By shocked - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Red Bank

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am not a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

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By gummy

Today, despite asking her to stop countless times, my stepmom still barges into my room explosively and without warning. I faint when startled. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got some news from two colleagues, one of whom just got married for the first time, and the other whose long-time wife was recently diagnosed with an advanced form of cancer. I wrote each of them a heartfelt note, which would've been thoughtful if I hadn't mixed up the recipients. FML

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By Mike Polk - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

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By sirengamer - United States

Today, I was at my job where we buy precious metals. A man came in and said, "Here, I have something special for you." He then pulled a tooth out of his mouth that had dental gold on it and placed in it my bare hand. Yeah, special indeed. FML

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By Anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, for the third time this week, a telemarketer called me. Seriously annoyed, I told him in German that I don't speak English, in an attempt to get rid of him. He then started delivering his product pitch in German. FML

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By lonelyloser - Australia - Perth

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML

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By hedayk - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

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By SSH - United States

Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Cars" by Gary Numan

Today, I ran a stop sign that was completely obscured by foliage, in a city I was unfamiliar with. A city bus then T-boned me. My car is now totalled, and I’m afraid this will now go to court. FML

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By LadyLump - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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By hatemyjob - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By CanadianEH

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

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By My eyes were on the prize

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

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By BurntBroken

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

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By rejected - United States

Smoke signals

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

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By martyn28 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

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By SofiMarti - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my mom was named principal of the school I go to. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

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By crétin-crédule - France - Isle

Today, I got talking to a pretty girl on the subway. Just as she was about to get off, I handed her my phone so that she could give me her number. She ran out with it. FML

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By connor1701

Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML

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By leigh2812 - France

Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML

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By notquitejuliet - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I decided I wanted to bleach my hair, so I asked my mother for help. Apparently, something went wrong, because clumps of my hair started falling out. Now I'm half blonde and half bald, and my mom is just laughing at me. FML

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Top comments

By Wizardo | 33

#5502755 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Woah, mom got game. Go mom!

By Poppy8127 | 15

#5502753 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Moms are the best.

COMMENTS

By Poppy8127 | 15

#5502753 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Moms are the best.

Reply

bluehero | 17

#5502875 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 23:35

I said the exact same thing you did on a separate FML as comment #1. I still agree, moms are the best.

Reply

mn_shr | 22

#5502880 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 23:38

Not much of a wing-woman though

Reply

Zebediabolical | 37

#5502924 - Thursday 23 May 2013 0:04

She's her own wingwoman!

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5502953 - Thursday 23 May 2013 0:34

#1, apparently the guys at the bar thought so too. ;)

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5503052 - Thursday 23 May 2013 3:07

Gross that means that you mom left you so she could get double teamed. Sorry OP

Reply

DBallin | 10

#5503077 - Thursday 23 May 2013 3:44

#55, youdontsay.jpg

Reply

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5503115 - Thursday 23 May 2013 4:40

Wait...both? Just wow

By Wizardo | 33

#5502755 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Woah, mom got game. Go mom!

Reply

XDsmileyDX_fml | 24

#5502783 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:37

MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF!

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#5503334 - Thursday 23 May 2013 10:30

There were two guys, so that's Mother We'd Like to Fuck, or MWLF. Time to brush up on welsh pronunciation, guys.

By TheDrifter | 23

#5502757 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:24

Smooth. Do you remember what she did and said? Do that, it obviously works.

Reply

euphoricness | 28

#5503066 - Thursday 23 May 2013 3:35

She offered a bj
Instant game!

Reply

DyslexicPanda | 12

#5503191 - Thursday 23 May 2013 7:21

She was just leading by example.

By mikeymayhem_87 | 15

#5502761 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:24

Twat swatted..... That sucks Op!

Reply

zango1 | 15

#5503113 - Thursday 23 May 2013 4:37

Twat swatted is a new one to me. I always thought beaver damn was the female equivalent of cock block.

Reply

syki | 22

#5503127 - Thursday 23 May 2013 4:57

I'm partial to vajected and snatch latched.

Reply

mikeymayhem_87 | 15

#5503145 - Thursday 23 May 2013 5:30

Those are new to me! I'll keep those in mind for when the situation arises!

Reply

buddy51 | 23

#5504384 - Friday 24 May 2013 4:58

Kunt-punted.....

By M3DIC4T3 | 29

#5502763 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:24

Wow OP. At least now you know not to trust her with your possible love life opportunities.

By perdix | 29

#5502765 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:25

Wait until you grow up. You'll be a hot cougar scoring threesomes!

By Harmell | 7

#5502769 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:29

Is your name Stacy, because your mom has obviously got it going on!

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5502955 - Thursday 23 May 2013 0:35

Doesn't seem like those guys had to wait for too long though. ;)

Reply

tragicnightmare | 15

#5504525 - Friday 24 May 2013 7:35

they know it might be wrong, but they're in love with Stacys
's mom

By olpally | 32

#5502770 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:29

Your moms a selfish bitch, she tried to do something nice and just left you there. Unbelievable. Can't even give you one guy, bad mom!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5502776 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:31

#9, maybe she's taking them for a test-drive to make sure they are worthy of her daughter. A good wingman is always ready to take two for the team!

Reply

olpally | 32

#5502822 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:53

She better give excellent road head if that's what you mean by test driving them, perdix... she better come back with good results! ;)

By perdix | 29

#5502772 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:29

Poor Stacey! Sorry you're drinking alone.

Reply

Perfectly_Killer | 14

#6088477 - Monday 13 October 2014 14:50

You are never alone when Jack is near.

By Kruitdamp | 44

#5502781 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:34

Ask her how she did it...