Love: Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

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Vulture

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Rock, hard place

By ugh - United States

Today, I told one of my teachers I have to attend a family member's funeral on a day she's passing a test. She straight up asked if I could reschedule it, and if not if I could just give it a miss. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Lemvig

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

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By ouch.... - United States - Duxbury

Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML

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By drama_queen - United States

Today, at my school, we had the opening night of our production in which I act. None of my family or friends came. Basically, after 3 long months of hard work, the only person to "congratulate" to me after the show was the head of the theater department, who just wanted to tell me I was doing it wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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By Too available to be sexy

Philosophical

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By lily - 13/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Disinterested

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I slightly opened my eyes during it and saw him with his eyes wide open, watching TV. FML

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By emisara93 - United States

Today, I found out that the insurance that my husband signed us up with for next year doesn't cover any of our doctors. Now we need to find 4 different doctors who take our insurance. FML

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By Bito - France

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

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By Trist

Well shit.

Today, after moving 1,400 miles across the country, quitting my full-time job, and selling most of my furniture to attend flight school, I got a call a month before my start date saying that they are closing my location. FML

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By karmamaybe - United States - Vermillion

Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents held a big family dinner at our house. Being the only underage person there, I had to sit there while everyone got progressively drunker and started commenting on how eerily similar I look to Shamu the whale. FML

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By xnickx - United States

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

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By FailedTraveller

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

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By Anne - United States

Today, I spoke to my ex again for the first time after our breakup. The first words out of his mouth were, "I love you, so I'm going to have to confess some things in the hopes that my honesty will help us get back together." It didn't, but it does mean I have to get tested now. FML

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By klee - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to go to my Hotmail account on my boyfriend's computer. When I typed in "hot", a big history list came down. It was all "Hot single mom looking for a good lay" Craigslist ads. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 04:57 - Germany

Childfree

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I want to get my tubes tied, because I don’t want kids and can’t stand the fear of getting pregnant by accident, despite contraception, which has happened before. He summarized: “So, the main point is to preserve your fertility, right?” Wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By dab1230 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

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By mus

Today, while walking to my bus stop, I saw a girl slip on black ice, then catch herself, and I laughed because people catching themselves slip are hilarious. I reach the same patch of black ice and go flying, falling on my hip and spilling my coffee all over me. FML

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By banned - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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By fxck

Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

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By PeedMaPants - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

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By oooooopss - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

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By signinept - United States

Today, I got really annoyed waiting for a bus that was supposed to come every 10 minutes. After a few minutes of waiting, I realized the "bus stop" was really a no parking sign. FML

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By Mr. E

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

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By hockey - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

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By idontknowwhatiamdoing - Canada - Toronto

Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to serve an incredibly rude and irrationally angry customer, but I managed to keep my cool. When he finally went to leave with his purchase, I wished him a good day. He whirled around and yelled "I'll have whatever the fuck kind of day I want, bitch!" FML

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By Vic - Denmark

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

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Top comments

By Wizardo | 33

#5502755 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Woah, mom got game. Go mom!

By Poppy8127 | 15

#5502753 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Moms are the best.

COMMENTS

By Poppy8127 | 15

#5502753 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Moms are the best.

Reply

bluehero | 17

#5502875 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 23:35

I said the exact same thing you did on a separate FML as comment #1. I still agree, moms are the best.

Reply

mn_shr | 22

#5502880 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 23:38

Not much of a wing-woman though

Reply

Zebediabolical | 39

#5502924 - Thursday 23 May 2013 0:04

She's her own wingwoman!

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5502953 - Thursday 23 May 2013 0:34

#1, apparently the guys at the bar thought so too. ;)

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5503052 - Thursday 23 May 2013 3:07

Gross that means that you mom left you so she could get double teamed. Sorry OP

Reply

DBallin | 10

#5503077 - Thursday 23 May 2013 3:44

#55, youdontsay.jpg

Reply

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5503115 - Thursday 23 May 2013 4:40

Wait...both? Just wow

By Wizardo | 33

#5502755 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:22

Woah, mom got game. Go mom!

Reply

XDsmileyDX_fml | 24

#5502783 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:37

MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF!

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#5503334 - Thursday 23 May 2013 10:30

There were two guys, so that's Mother We'd Like to Fuck, or MWLF. Time to brush up on welsh pronunciation, guys.

By TheDrifter | 23

#5502757 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:24

Smooth. Do you remember what she did and said? Do that, it obviously works.

Reply

euphoricness | 28

#5503066 - Thursday 23 May 2013 3:35

She offered a bj
Instant game!

Reply

DyslexicPanda | 12

#5503191 - Thursday 23 May 2013 7:21

She was just leading by example.

By mikeymayhem_87 | 15

#5502761 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:24

Twat swatted..... That sucks Op!

Reply

zango1 | 15

#5503113 - Thursday 23 May 2013 4:37

Twat swatted is a new one to me. I always thought beaver damn was the female equivalent of cock block.

Reply

syki | 22

#5503127 - Thursday 23 May 2013 4:57

I'm partial to vajected and snatch latched.

Reply

mikeymayhem_87 | 15

#5503145 - Thursday 23 May 2013 5:30

Those are new to me! I'll keep those in mind for when the situation arises!

Reply

buddy51 | 23

#5504384 - Friday 24 May 2013 4:58

Kunt-punted.....

By M3DIC4T3 | 29

#5502763 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:24

Wow OP. At least now you know not to trust her with your possible love life opportunities.

By perdix | 29

#5502765 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:25

Wait until you grow up. You'll be a hot cougar scoring threesomes!

By Harmell | 7

#5502769 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:29

Is your name Stacy, because your mom has obviously got it going on!

Reply

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5502955 - Thursday 23 May 2013 0:35

Doesn't seem like those guys had to wait for too long though. ;)

Reply

tragicnightmare | 15

#5504525 - Friday 24 May 2013 7:35

they know it might be wrong, but they're in love with Stacys
's mom

By olpally | 32

#5502770 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:29

Your moms a selfish bitch, she tried to do something nice and just left you there. Unbelievable. Can't even give you one guy, bad mom!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5502776 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:31

#9, maybe she's taking them for a test-drive to make sure they are worthy of her daughter. A good wingman is always ready to take two for the team!

Reply

olpally | 32

#5502822 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:53

She better give excellent road head if that's what you mean by test driving them, perdix... she better come back with good results! ;)

By perdix | 29

#5502772 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:29

Poor Stacey! Sorry you're drinking alone.

Reply

Perfectly_Killer | 14

#6088477 - Monday 13 October 2014 14:50

You are never alone when Jack is near.

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5502782 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 22:35

She was just being a good mum and making sure they were suitable for you. I mean she must have been done it before? Have you ever noticed your mum or any of your ex-boyfriends particularly close?