Intimacy: Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls... - FML

By a - 21/05/2009 19:18 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 101

BO Central

You tried

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

By BigBangCheater - 01/04/2012 10:08 - United States - Loves Park

Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 683

You deserved it 5 025

By honeybunny - 19/11/2014 19:04 - United States - Norman

Spicy

Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long 12 hour drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 953

You deserved it 3 128

By anonymous - 19/07/2014 04:43 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a year and a half ended it. Why? He found another girl. "She's just like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 041

You deserved it 4 189

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 07:02 - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 183

You deserved it 3 326

By VoiceMail - 09/04/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 185

You deserved it 7 844

By Mr. Shawzy - 15/01/2009 11:43 - Canada

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 039

You deserved it 23 157

By WorkWeirdo - 30/03/2016 20:26 - Peru - Lima

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 471

You deserved it 1 530

Social reform, please

By Pepsi - 06/09/2020 14:02 - United States

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 662

You deserved it 120

Chill out, Judy

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 08:01

Today, my mom found out about my brother smoking. She calmly discussed smoking with him. On the other hand, I got yelled at and made to do chores all day despite having a university exam, just because I knew about it but I didn't tell her, because I knew that I would get the short end of the stick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 65

By neverakid - 14/04/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 991

You deserved it 4 237

By 44haley44 - 12/07/2011 17:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 649

You deserved it 57 095

By PokeTheBear - 22/07/2009 21:09 - Canada

Today, my coworkers decided to play a game of "Who Can Piss the Boss Off the Most". I opted not to play, but I still won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 533

You deserved it 5 699

By touched - 10/02/2009 11:30 - Philippines

Today, on the crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were less people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. Just when I was about to tell my friends about it, I find out that he stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 322

You deserved it 5 681

By drurbanXVII - 25/05/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while playing The Sims 2, I realized I had a virtual person's whole life planned out, and have nothing planned out for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 216

You deserved it 49 269

Getting on

By Lexxxiii - 17/06/2021 06:01

Today, I realized that every time I play video games, my wrist and elbows always end up hurting so badly from holding my controller/handheld games. I always have to apply bengay and wear braces. Arthritis is creeping up on me harshly, and I’m still young so this sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 639

You deserved it 372

By kronic1990 - 14/01/2015 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I tripped over a "wet floor" sign at work and hit the floor hard. The floor wasn't even wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 139

You deserved it 4 787

By Shelly - 14/12/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 937

You deserved it 33 970

By Anonymous - 02/09/2012 23:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 375

You deserved it 5 342

Stinky

By ytho - 05/04/2021 00:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my natural body odor has gotten so bad that despite wearing 20 swipes of men’s deodorant under each armpit and taking three showers a day with an entire bottle of body wash, I still smell like a cross between onions and hot garbage. I’m a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 134

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

By Sheila Deville - 24/10/2019 02:00

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 191

People are people

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 08:02 - Netherlands - Almere

Today, after almost 2 months of working from home alone, I was out walking and heard 2 guys talking. One was sitting in his car smoking weed; the other was standing next to the car telling him how he was tested positive today. Maybe not mention you are Covid positive when you're not supposed to be in public at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 123

By thedullard - 16/02/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 416

You deserved it 31 162

Double-edged sword

By Janitoro - 23/11/2012 01:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 294

You deserved it 9 160

By Whatthe - 18/04/2017 20:00

Today, I walked into a bathroom to find a dad telling his kids not play with the pee in the urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 348

By Anonymous - 25/11/2016 08:43

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 168

You deserved it 1 021

By lojo - 17/06/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I was flying home to Milwaukee after a weekend in South Carolina. When I got to the airport, my reservation didn't match up with any flights. Turns out Expedia booked me on a flight that doen't exist. I spent ten hours waiting in the airport for a two hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 414

You deserved it 3 127

By danonno - 02/08/2012 21:08 - Canada - Nelson

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 222

You deserved it 3 262

By 1234 - 22/06/2015 11:26 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 330

You deserved it 2 749

By Anonymous - 16/04/2016 06:01 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's mom was driving me to the store to pick up my wedding dress. A few minutes into the drive, she said the car's tank was nearly out of "Jews" and that she'd have to give it "a whole lotta gas", then chuckled to herself. She's well aware that I'm Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 650

You deserved it 2 302

By Mars - 29/04/2009 09:40 - United States

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 914

You deserved it 5 001

By people suck - 28/03/2015 04:16 - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 314

You deserved it 2 504

By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 10:26 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, after finally falling asleep, my boyfriend woke me up and got extremely mad at me. My offense? My pillow was touching his side of the bed. After yelling at me, he's now sleeping on the couch, and I'm lying in bed wide awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 454

You deserved it 3 108

By Anonymous - 02/01/2016 02:07 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, after much reflection, I realized my "happy childhood" was more like "the years I was oblivious to how much people despised me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 558

You deserved it 2 081

Thanks.

By Anonymous - 09/06/2018 13:00 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I asked a guy if I could finally meet his mom after we’ve been exclusive for almost a year now. He goes, "You’re special, but you’re not THAT special." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 398

You deserved it 493

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 19:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 983

You deserved it 4 498

By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 20:37 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Spicy

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 231

You deserved it 10 212

By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 442

You deserved it 5 241

By whymyliferose - 03/06/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 082

You deserved it 4 502

Judgmental

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 151

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:11

#5, where do you expect her to keep it? In a locked safe behind the picture of Grandma and Grandad hanging at the top of the landing 7ft off the floor with a high-tech alarm system and a self-destruct mode if the fingerprint scanner recognises it to be the fingerprint of someone under the age of 18?

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

It wasn't being put into use anyways...

Comments

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:01

first!

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Monday 12 October 2009 8:17

YDI for using a dildo. Get a man

YouSeriouslySuck 0

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Wednesday 17 March 2010 22:53

yay I'm at the top then I'll be moderated yay!!

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

It wasn't being put into use anyways...

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Monday 15 March 2010 3:02

haha

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:50

did his teacher consfiscate it? cuz thatd suck if you had to pick it up from her

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Saturday 18 September 2010 20:50

oh no he didnt!

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Friday 21 January 2011 2:31

#303 i bet the teacher would have used it before returning it haha

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Friday 17 June 2011 9:58

@ 325, what if the teach was a guy?

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Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:58

so did he slay any girls

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Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:58

so did he slay any girls

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Sunday 3 November 2013 3:07

@ 335 He could had still used it if it was a guy ;)

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Monday 23 February 2015 9:03

He still would have used it

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

haha wow. Very funny.

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

Uh....LOL. Poor kids :(

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

Why was it where your son could access it?

Acousticpixie14 6

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 0:29

Exactly. It should be put away somewhere your son can't get to it. Bad parenting.

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Monday 13 June 2011 21:02

Coulda been in a drawer.

gregthestrange 3

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

hahahaha!

WillDaBeast83 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 18:44

nice picture!

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

WOw! How old is he....? I wonder if he knew what it was....

omgtheresnoname 0

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Monday 5 July 2010 10:06

great pic x)

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Thursday 2 September 2010 18:54

ya your pic is hilarious

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Friday 1 October 2010 8:21

I ADORE your picture

simian_nelipot 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 20:03

any boy old enough to go to school should be able to recognize a penis. He might not know what its used for. But he knows what it is supposed to replace.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 10:14

Not all dildos look like penises.

Ang3lofd3ath167 18

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Friday 24 April 2015 14:35

He was chasing the girls, so he clearly knew what it was

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

That is hilariously awesome.

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Monday 10 August 2009 9:13

lol i agree

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

How old is your son? You'd think he'd either be old enough to know what it is... or young enough for you to successfully hide it from him.

inestimable_fml 8

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Saturday 8 January 2011 12:29

Notice that he was chasing "all the girls" in the class. He wasn't just chasing anybody but targeting girls, so the lil' prick must surely be aware of what it was.

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:04

if it was glowing it could of been a penisaber

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 57

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 216