Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls... - FML

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

By FML Team - 7/1/2011 16:41

The magic FML sword

HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's been such a long time, we're not even sure how to write articles any more. How do you even interview artists anyway?...

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By a / Thursday 21 May 2009 19:18 / United Kingdom

Billy no-mates

Trip Advisor says no

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 17/7/2018 01:30

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

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By d - 26/3/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

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By PhantomShitter - 29/11/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

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By Revelyn - 3/6/2016 22:18 - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

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By seadrick - 6/6/2015 16:19 - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

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By Surprisebuttsecks? - 7/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By cclllc - 14/8/2012 09:06 - United States - Weatherford

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML

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By analinguist - 20/2/2010 19:04 - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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By deweyd8855 - 3/7/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML

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By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

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By rosemary - 11/5/2017 18:00

Today, we paid to park in a lot in the city. Hours later, we returned to find our car booted. Apparently the guy that took our money didn't work there. We're stuck three states away from home. FML

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By same - 21/11/2015 06:39 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my boyfriend decided to gift me soap, a razor, and deodorant for my birthday. FML

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By nerdywaitress - 18/10/2013 05:14 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

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By Ese - 12/10/2018 12:00

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

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By glocked and goaded - 3/4/2015 18:08 - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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By ouchieouch - 7/1/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I burned myself while cooking, so I asked my mom to get the burn cream while I waited in the kitchen. While I was waiting, I absentmindedly set my hand on the hot stove, earning myself a second burn. FML

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By Jessie - 22/8/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

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By puppylove - 3/8/2019 16:00 - Philippines

Today, my mom found me staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By KeysToHappiness - 16/8/2015 12:39 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

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By foops - 2/2/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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By That Guy - 1/11/2014 12:58 - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 00:44 - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

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By rowie1311 - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

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By armenta427 - 7/10/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

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By a816090 - 15/5/2019 04:30

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Today, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea if when I feel an emotion if it's me or my disorder. I'm my brain's bitch. FML

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By buses suck - 15/11/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

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By Madison Ostermeier - 28/6/2019 12:05

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. FML

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By all by myself - 25/12/2012 05:00 - United States - Alaska Peninsula Nwr

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML

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By iross - 23/10/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway. I shut my windows and sunroof when I started to feel heavy rain hitting me in the face and shoulder. I was confused by the rain because the sun was bright and there was blue, cloudless sky. Then I saw the large trash truck in front of me spewing "trash juice". FML

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By checkup - 15/7/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

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By ILiveWithMorons - 12/4/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

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By lowly worker - 8/4/2017 18:00

Today, I nearly lost a hand at work, because a supervisor decided to remove a 'useless' safety guard on a machine despite my warnings. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset with him. FML

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By dannytriplet - 11/4/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML

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By j.b. - 2/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By mannnnn - 8/7/2009 05:21

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2014 04:34 - United States - Boston

Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML

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By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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Top comments

By paperfox_fml | 0

#219020 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:11

#5, where do you expect her to keep it? In a locked safe behind the picture of Grandma and Grandad hanging at the top of the landing 7ft off the floor with a high-tech alarm system and a self-destruct mode if the fingerprint scanner recognises it to be the fingerprint of someone under the age of 18?

By Antonio718 | 0

#218946 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

It wasn't being put into use anyways...

COMMENTS

By perussian | 0

#218942 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:01

first!

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616767 - Monday 12 October 2009 8:17

YDI for using a dildo. Get a man

Reply

YouSeriouslySuck | 0

#959366 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 22:53

yay I'm at the top then I'll be moderated yay!!

By Antonio718 | 0

#218946 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

It wasn't being put into use anyways...

Reply

panic222354 | 0

#948204 - Monday 15 March 2010 3:02

haha

Reply

blueridgemtns97 | 0

#956405 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:51

just think we were all human dildos if our moms didn't get a c section..

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1014505 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:50

did his teacher consfiscate it? cuz thatd suck if you had to pick it up from her

Reply

020266t | 5

#1423948 - Saturday 18 September 2010 20:50

oh no he didnt!

Reply

Mizino137 | 0

#1990707 - Friday 21 January 2011 2:31

#303 i bet the teacher would have used it before returning it haha

Reply

FatMan23 | 10

#2701110 - Friday 17 June 2011 9:58

@ 325, what if the teach was a guy?

Reply

tatababe | 0

#2940876 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:58

so did he slay any girls

Reply

tatababe | 0

#2940881 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:58

so did he slay any girls

Reply

Durtmania | 8

#5740022 - Sunday 3 November 2013 3:07

@ 335 He could had still used it if it was a guy ;)

Reply

theweasel | 16

#6210728 - Monday 23 February 2015 9:03

He still would have used it

By ClichePoser | 0

#218947 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

haha wow.
Very funny.

By Rain_fml | 0

#218950 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

Uh....LOL.
Poor kids :(

By Theoderage | 3

#218955 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

Why was it where your son could access it?

Reply

Acousticpixie14 | 6

#1983544 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 0:29

Exactly.
It should be put away somewhere your son can't get to it.
Bad parenting.

Reply

rawrlily | 0

#2673493 - Monday 13 June 2011 21:02

Coulda been in a drawer.

By gregthestrange | 3

#218959 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

hahahaha!

Reply

WillDaBeast83 | 0

#2915299 - Sunday 17 July 2011 18:44

nice picture!

By Damasta | 0

#218960 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

WOw! How old is he....? I wonder if he knew what it was....

Reply

omgtheresnoname | 0

#1064455 - Monday 5 July 2010 10:06

great pic x)

Reply

pieintheface | 0

#1339601 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:54

ya your pic is hilarious

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#1480019 - Friday 1 October 2010 8:21

I ADORE your picture

Reply

simian_nelipot | 0

#1963408 - Thursday 13 January 2011 20:03

any boy old enough to go to school should be able to recognize a penis. He might not know what its used for. But he knows what it is supposed to replace.

Reply

FMLshark | 12

#4516229 - Sunday 3 June 2012 10:14

Not all dildos look like penises.

Reply

Ang3lofd3ath167 | 18

#6271855 - Friday 24 April 2015 14:35

He was chasing the girls, so he clearly knew what it was

By pat2rome | 0

#218961 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

That is hilariously awesome.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#473800 - Monday 10 August 2009 9:13

lol i agree

By Hydra_fml | 0

#218962 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

How old is your son? You'd think he'd either be old enough to know what it is... or young enough for you to successfully hide it from him.

Reply

inestimable_fml | 8

#1942530 - Saturday 8 January 2011 12:29

Notice that he was chasing "all the girls" in the class. He wasn't just chasing anybody but targeting girls, so the lil' prick must surely be aware of what it was.

By Serial | 2

#218971 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:04

if it was glowing it could of been a penisaber