Intimacy: Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls... - FML

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

By FML Team

The magic FML sword

HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's been such a long time, we're not even sure how to write articles any more. How do you even interview artists anyway?...

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By a / Thursday 21 May 2009 19:18 / United Kingdom

Rock, hard place

Triage

Management

By Now I'm Broke

Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML

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By yeah... - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend who I am still in love with sends me a text message that says "I miss you, baby". It turns out my name comes right after his girlfriend's name on his contact list. FML

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By angrypetowner - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

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By oooops - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By Fuck - United States - Fowler

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

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By NotTellingYouMyName - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

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By FriendZone - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By shitday - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, a cyclone hit my city. Though everywhere else is flooding, my house is fine. Well, that was until the toilet decided to overflow and regurgitate the entire town's sewerage. So now my only bathroom is covered in sewage, and I can't go anywhere else because of the flooding. FML

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By strangely - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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By the dog won - 16/7/2020 14:01

In the cold

Today, after being tired of my husband acting like I’m invisible, giving more attention and affection to the dog than to me, and me going to spend a few nights at my sister’s house, he texted me, "You coming home to make dinner or what?" on the second day. It's now day 4 and he hasn’t said anything else since. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Valdosta

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

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By El Jeffe - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

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By foreveralone - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Still Waiting - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By htothecr - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

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By kohler9790 - United States

Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML

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By casey - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By Angela17

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By mass message - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML

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By diddlysquat - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML

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By car_FAILure - New Zealand

Today, I went to Uni. I woke up at six and got to the station as the train was leaving. I was congratulating myself on my brilliant skill when, as we passed the carpark, I saw I had left my headlights on. It later cost more for the lead to jump start my car than it would have to drive to Uni myself. FML

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By skmusic - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML

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By mollyeyers - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pontypool

Today, my grandmother yet again asked where my grandfather is. She refuses to believe us when we tell her that he passed away 6 years ago. She always insists that he's out cheating on her and accuses us of lying to cover his arse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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By ditched - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

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By shit - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I have had a crush on for the last 4 months asked me on AIM how to block someone. 30 seconds after I finished explaining how to block someone on iChat, she went offline and I haven't seen her on AIM since. FML

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By la poisse - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

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By 181999 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 17:00

Leave me alone

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

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By jseid2 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

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Top comments

By paperfox_fml | 0

#219020 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:11

#5, where do you expect her to keep it? In a locked safe behind the picture of Grandma and Grandad hanging at the top of the landing 7ft off the floor with a high-tech alarm system and a self-destruct mode if the fingerprint scanner recognises it to be the fingerprint of someone under the age of 18?

By Antonio718 | 0

#218946 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

It wasn't being put into use anyways...

COMMENTS

By perussian | 0

#218942 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:01

first!

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616767 - Monday 12 October 2009 8:17

YDI for using a dildo. Get a man

Reply

YouSeriouslySuck | 0

#959366 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 22:53

yay I'm at the top then I'll be moderated yay!!

By Antonio718 | 0

#218946 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

It wasn't being put into use anyways...

Reply

panic222354 | 0

#948204 - Monday 15 March 2010 3:02

haha

Reply

blueridgemtns97 | 0

#956405 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:51

just think we were all human dildos if our moms didn't get a c section..

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1014505 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:50

did his teacher consfiscate it? cuz thatd suck if you had to pick it up from her

Reply

020266t | 5

#1423948 - Saturday 18 September 2010 20:50

oh no he didnt!

Reply

Mizino137 | 0

#1990707 - Friday 21 January 2011 2:31

#303 i bet the teacher would have used it before returning it haha

Reply

FatMan23 | 10

#2701110 - Friday 17 June 2011 9:58

@ 325, what if the teach was a guy?

Reply

tatababe | 1

#2940876 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:58

so did he slay any girls

Reply

tatababe | 1

#2940881 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:58

so did he slay any girls

Reply

Durtmania | 8

#5740022 - Sunday 3 November 2013 3:07

@ 335 He could had still used it if it was a guy ;)

Reply

theweasel | 16

#6210728 - Monday 23 February 2015 9:03

He still would have used it

By ClichePoser | 0

#218947 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

haha wow.
Very funny.

By Rain_fml | 0

#218950 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

Uh....LOL.
Poor kids :(

By Theoderage | 3

#218955 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:02

Why was it where your son could access it?

Reply

Acousticpixie14 | 6

#1983544 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 0:29

Exactly.
It should be put away somewhere your son can't get to it.
Bad parenting.

Reply

rawrlily | 0

#2673493 - Monday 13 June 2011 21:02

Coulda been in a drawer.

By gregthestrange | 3

#218959 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

hahahaha!

Reply

WillDaBeast83 | 0

#2915299 - Sunday 17 July 2011 18:44

nice picture!

By Damasta | 0

#218960 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

WOw! How old is he....? I wonder if he knew what it was....

Reply

omgtheresnoname | 0

#1064455 - Monday 5 July 2010 10:06

great pic x)

Reply

pieintheface | 0

#1339601 - Thursday 2 September 2010 18:54

ya your pic is hilarious

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#1480019 - Friday 1 October 2010 8:21

I ADORE your picture

Reply

simian_nelipot | 0

#1963408 - Thursday 13 January 2011 20:03

any boy old enough to go to school should be able to recognize a penis. He might not know what its used for. But he knows what it is supposed to replace.

Reply

FMLshark | 12

#4516229 - Sunday 3 June 2012 10:14

Not all dildos look like penises.

Reply

Ang3lofd3ath167 | 18

#6271855 - Friday 24 April 2015 14:35

He was chasing the girls, so he clearly knew what it was

By pat2rome | 0

#218961 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

That is hilariously awesome.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#473800 - Monday 10 August 2009 9:13

lol i agree

By Hydra_fml | 0

#218962 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:03

How old is your son? You'd think he'd either be old enough to know what it is... or young enough for you to successfully hide it from him.

Reply

inestimable_fml | 8

#1942530 - Saturday 8 January 2011 12:29

Notice that he was chasing "all the girls" in the class. He wasn't just chasing anybody but targeting girls, so the lil' prick must surely be aware of what it was.

By Serial | 2

#218971 - Friday 22 May 2009 2:04

if it was glowing it could of been a penisaber