Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her... - FML

By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Vibe check

This guy is a GENIUS

By fuckel4 - United States - El Dorado

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

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By xXMudkipNoobXx - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

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By thechad_144 - United States

Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

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By budbunny13 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

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By supersmashpika - United States - Hershey

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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By James - Australia

Today, my front house window was smashed. A note was left, saying 'I want my cat back'. I have no idea what they are talking about. FML

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By Loopy - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By Fillifilo - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By secretdoll - United States

Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML

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By PollingLow - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By oops1234 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

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By TomPom - France

Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML

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By Elissa Roth Gooden - 6/4/2020 14:00

He will

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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By all by myself - Ireland - Cork

Today, I decided to go to a therapy group to help with my anxiety and to meet people who felt similar. I joked with my friend that no one would turn up as people might feel anxious about going. I was right. I was the only one there. FML

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By Ed. - 20/7/2020 05:01

That Monday feeling

Today, I have to go into work for the first time since the Covid-19 lockdown. I've been working from home since March. Today was also the first time since going on lockdown that I cut myself shaving. FML

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By Ladieda - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, my parents think it's so hot outside that it's okay for them to work in the garden naked. FML

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By theyarefarapart

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

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By notyoueallie - United States

Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML

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By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

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By blah - United States - Frisco

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

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By StepFather - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my step-daughter, who is 29, still living at home and planning her wedding 2 years from now and who I've completely supported since marrying her mother 16 years ago, wants her cousin to walk her down the aisle and not me. FML

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By Damn - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By barri - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

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By ZombieGirl0417 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

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By Moving On - United States

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

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By KatrinaKitten - United States

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

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By Kanata

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

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By Zak - United States

Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML

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By Alejandroc - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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By AMIGODO - Netherlands

Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML

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By ayeayeboy19 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

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By themanzz - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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By LIFT - 23/7/2020 08:01

Ant life

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

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By dude - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

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Top comments

By potentpotable | 0

#17294 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:22

YDI..it doesn't matter what car it is, if you flip out so much over a phone vibrate then you shouldn't be behind any motorized vehicle at all.

By eshy | 0

#17269 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:08

This is why you don't drink and drive.

COMMENTS

By SilverBallet | 0

#17262 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:06

Proof that Starbucks is evil. Sympathies.

Reply

lemonlife | 0

#1358968 - Monday 6 September 2010 6:05

oh you poor damn baby!!! it's a freakinnnn porscheee

By someonetobe | 0

#17265 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:07

Eh, kind of begging for that to happen. I mean, sure it really, really sucks. But your mom let you drive her Porsche. You should have been a tad more careful. Sorry. :(

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5703969 - Saturday 5 October 2013 15:56

YDI spoiled kid

By thinkpink | 0

#17266 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:07

If a vibration in your pocket startled you so much you spilled the coffee, you're officially a dumb ass.

By eshy | 0

#17269 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:08

This is why you don't drink and drive.

Reply

Kennygman | 0

#1933407 - Thursday 6 January 2011 10:36

haha u made my day

By magicmarkers | 0

#17272 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:10

You deserved that one.

By leeton | 0

#17284 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:17

wait so the car was like still in drive gear when you decided to take the coffee out? so you didn't put the car in park when you decided to take the coffee out... seems illogical. maybe you're a girl. yeah that probably explains it. if you're a guy then you are just retarded

By potentpotable | 0

#17294 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:22

YDI..it doesn't matter what car it is, if you flip out so much over a phone vibrate then you shouldn't be behind any motorized vehicle at all.

Reply

nedderbutters | 6

#3876719 - Friday 13 January 2012 10:51

nicely said !

By skylitxrock | 0

#17302 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:28

smooth move.

By King_of_Kings_2 | 0

#17309 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:31

Ferraris are better!

Reply

tehbassmasta | 0

#817434 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:18

price for price, nope.

By alex_vik | 0

#17314 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:34

Wait, not only did a tiny vibration in your pocket make you crash your car and spill coffee, but you didn't park the car and turn it off before taking the coffee out? Your fault.

Reply

KiwiDingo | 0

#1540443 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 7:10

agreed!!