Transportation: Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her... - FML

By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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Understandable

Instadrama

This Charming Man

By Indianagirl94 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my husband attempting to breastfeed off my lactating nipples. FML

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By aero00 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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By theyarefarapart

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

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By Rabite - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

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By the fish

Today, I started this show and was really confused what was happening until I realized I accidentally started from the last episode so I basically ruined the whole show for myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By Monagro - United States - New York

Great plan. Solid.

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

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By bobby - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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By syl - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

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By devinbyrne - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 08:00

Poisoned chalice

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

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By cap - United States - Manhattan

Last trip

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

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By ur_life_dus_suck - United States - Wayne

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

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By Aliiiice - France - Offranville

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

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By loser - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By insanitycalling - Canada

Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML

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By Matt988 - 22/3/2021 23:00 - India

Unexpected

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

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By Anonymous

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

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By prettysmellingbedroom - United States

Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML

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By Derek Wheeler - 6/12/2020 08:00 - United States - Longview

The Walking Dead

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

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By wrongcar - United States

Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML

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By poolboy

Today, I was swimming in my pool with my two sons. A few hours later while on Facebook, I saw that one of them had liked a photo with the caption, "Peeing in a pool, best feeling ever." FML

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By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By joanikens

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

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By Namnack - Netherlands

Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML

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By normal - France - Ambres

Today, it's been two days since my upstairs neighbour's toilet started flooding both our apartments. I have to go to the bathroom with an umbrella. FML

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By Eodowoiono - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By anonyme - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML

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By DogDays

Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By SIK of everything - United States

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML

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By hail science

Scammer

Today, I found out that my mother, who's been against me seeking treatment for my cancer, has been going to different churches and charities to get donations for her "poor ailing daughter." I've not seen a dime of this money, and my mom just tells me to pray my cancer away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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By fine - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

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By NeverEndingBathtime_

Today, my 2 year old is being potty trained. He got the gist of it and actually did #1 and #2 in the potty and after our little celebratory dance, I went to get him a cookie (it took me 2 seconds). I come back to see him covered in shit and pee because he tried to go empty the potty himself. FML

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By konacoffee17 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

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Top comments

By potentpotable | 0

#17294 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:22

YDI..it doesn't matter what car it is, if you flip out so much over a phone vibrate then you shouldn't be behind any motorized vehicle at all.

By eshy | 0

#17269 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:08

This is why you don't drink and drive.

COMMENTS

By SilverBallet | 0

#17262 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:06

Proof that Starbucks is evil. Sympathies.

Reply

lemonlife | 0

#1358968 - Monday 6 September 2010 6:05

oh you poor damn baby!!! it's a freakinnnn porscheee

By someonetobe | 0

#17265 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:07

Eh, kind of begging for that to happen. I mean, sure it really, really sucks. But your mom let you drive her Porsche. You should have been a tad more careful. Sorry. :(

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5703969 - Saturday 5 October 2013 15:56

YDI spoiled kid

By thinkpink | 0

#17266 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:07

If a vibration in your pocket startled you so much you spilled the coffee, you're officially a dumb ass.

By eshy | 0

#17269 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:08

This is why you don't drink and drive.

Reply

Kennygman | 0

#1933407 - Thursday 6 January 2011 10:36

haha u made my day

By magicmarkers | 0

#17272 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:10

You deserved that one.

By leeton | 0

#17284 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:17

wait so the car was like still in drive gear when you decided to take the coffee out? so you didn't put the car in park when you decided to take the coffee out... seems illogical. maybe you're a girl. yeah that probably explains it. if you're a guy then you are just retarded

By potentpotable | 0

#17294 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:22

YDI..it doesn't matter what car it is, if you flip out so much over a phone vibrate then you shouldn't be behind any motorized vehicle at all.

Reply

nedderbutters | 6

#3876719 - Friday 13 January 2012 10:51

nicely said !

By skylitxrock | 0

#17302 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:28

smooth move.

By King_of_Kings_2 | 0

#17309 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:31

Ferraris are better!

Reply

tehbassmasta | 0

#817434 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:18

price for price, nope.

By alex_vik | 0

#17314 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:34

Wait, not only did a tiny vibration in your pocket make you crash your car and spill coffee, but you didn't park the car and turn it off before taking the coffee out? Your fault.

Reply

KiwiDingo | 0

#1540443 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 7:10

agreed!!