Miscellaneous: Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren....

By alittlepersonal - 05/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 063

You deserved it 3 073

Miscellaneous

Best teeth in the game

Broken heart

Drugs are bad, well, some of them

By Home owner. - 16/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was touring a house I’m interested in when one of the two realtors stepped out for a minute and never came back. My purse was stolen from my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 352

You deserved it 274

By Anonymous - 20/06/2019 22:05

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 548

You deserved it 510

By Cold feet - 07/04/2019 12:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I found out that my roommate was responsible for stealing my socks. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he did it because he likes looking at my bare feet and jerking off into my socks. We’re both guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 505

You deserved it 160

Das wat u get hoomin

By Ray - 13/08/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, we took my cat to get her shots. She screeched and clamored in the car until I took her out of the carrier and held her in my lap...where she immediately pooped on my new white pants and then hid under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 061

You deserved it 2 377

Classy

By Eww - 17/11/2021 20:02

Today, I decided to be nice and do the laundry for the whole family. Apparently, all the guys in the family have skid marks on both the back AND THE FRONT of their underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 113

By CODgirl102 - 16/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Palm Bay

Today, I decided to confront my friend who has been stealing from me for months. She denied it, while wearing a pair of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 051

You deserved it 4 400

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 809

You deserved it 11 837

By Al - 13/06/2016 15:37 - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 266

You deserved it 1 236

Prank culture has gone too far

By qhorin halflung - 22/07/2015 17:35

Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my, "stupid fucking prank." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 405

You deserved it 2 162

By InfamousLastWord - 27/03/2013 19:34 - United States

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 409

You deserved it 6 194

By prettysmellingbedroom - 15/02/2012 14:18 - United States

Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 042

You deserved it 25 118

By fthislyfe - 18/07/2011 07:09 - Netherlands

Today, in an amphitheater, someone hit the back of my head. As I turned around, the guy apologized and said he mistook me for his friend. I changed seats, and after a while, I got hit a second time. He was wrong again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 407

You deserved it 3 819

By pogodrake - 24/01/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I'd really like to date to meet up for drinks. Excited, I walked out my front door, slipped on a patch of ice, and dislocated my shoulder. She won't go out on a date with me now because I "ditched her". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 653

You deserved it 2 840

By BadatDIY - 16/11/2009 14:04 - United Kingdom

Today, the maintenance workers finally came to my apartment to fix the shower-head that kept falling off the wall. I was annoyed because they had replaced it a few weeks ago and since then, it'd been a problem. They went into my bathroom, turned the shower head around, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 944

You deserved it 27 561

By Dogmom - 18/12/2018 17:30

Today, I couldn’t tell that my puppy had an upset stomach before I left for work. I came home to her covered in shit inside her crate. After cleaning her up and almost being done with the mess, my husband found where she had tried to lick herself clean and then vomited it up in our bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 203

You deserved it 258

By DUMMIE - 04/03/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 607

You deserved it 30 227

Man child

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02

Today, instead of being an adult, my husband was more hysterical than my daughter during a hissy fit. It makes me want to divorce him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 169

By some band player - 10/03/2014 02:09 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 223

You deserved it 4 597

They targeted gamers!

By Merry F-ing birthmas - 20/12/2020 11:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, as he has all day for the last 3 days, my husband has been playing Cyberpunk 2077. However, it's my birthday. When I mentioned this fact, I was told to just walk the 4 miles to the store and buy a cake, "if it matters so much." I have celiac and he spent our grocery money on the game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 324

By coppervains - 22/02/2014 18:13 - United States - Livonia

Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 622

You deserved it 8 155

By jennabee97 - 08/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 837

You deserved it 4 201

Bad start

By Kathryn - 28/10/2021 07:59 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for school and stepped out on my porch to go wait for the bus. I literally said out loud, “Today is gonna be a good day.” I took one step and fell all the way down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 130

By izzy_the_pessimist - 10/09/2018 18:30

Today, at lunch, I was talking to my friends about having a boyfriend. Suddenly, some boy I don't even know said, "Nobody wants to date that ugly bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 099

You deserved it 246

By nicoleee - 29/03/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 986

You deserved it 4 042

By NoStarbucks4Me - 21/02/2017 02:00 - Germany - M?hldorf

Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a 1-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 395

You deserved it 1 262

By seriousdubsteplover - 30/10/2009 05:08 - Australia

Today, when going to fill up the kettle, I noticed a bad smell and pieces of something coming out of the tap. Turns out there was a dead snake in my water supply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 566

You deserved it 2 154

By cuntocracy - 21/01/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 142

You deserved it 6 041

By Maria - 14/03/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 605

You deserved it 383

The urge

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 05:02

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 186

By Pattie - 12/06/2015 06:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a Brazilian wax in anticipation of becoming intimate for the first time this weekend with a man I have dated for a few weeks. I'm so sore it hurts just to walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 523

You deserved it 8 387

By thoughtidseenitall - 02/02/2013 01:01 - United States - Englewood

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 279

You deserved it 4 004

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 14:24 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 961

You deserved it 3 671

Pay up

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I tripped and hit my head on a rock, perforating my eardrum. That rock also broke. It was a €3000 headstone I now have to pay for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 92

Close quarters

By smellay - 14/04/2020 23:00

Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying, “Walls are thin, you good?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 757

You deserved it 358

By natty - 16/03/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 250

You deserved it 203 110

By krissysays - 25/10/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I heard on the news that the average debt one is in when they graduate college is $24,000. I've been in college for one year and my debt is already $20,000. And it turns out that my school's accreditation does not exist like I was told. $20,000 in debt and no college credits to show for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 083

You deserved it 7 737

By buggedout - 25/11/2009 08:24 - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 2 860

By crappingrapping - 21/05/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 188

You deserved it 43 729

By Broguy - 06/07/2011 02:20 - Canada

Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 090

You deserved it 2 924

By disgruntled - 26/03/2019 18:00

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 251

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:34

The fact that she knows bothers you? Hear this everyone: WE KNOW. We were all kids once, and we know what you do. As long as she isn't walking in on you while you're climbing the flagpole, you're fine.

joep1 7

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:24

Don't worry man, masturbating is healthy and normal. But hey, you cant blame her. What mother doesn't want to be a grandmother!

joep1 7

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:24

Don't worry man, masturbating is healthy and normal. But hey, you cant blame her. What mother doesn't want to be a grandmother!

patrickalamo 47

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:08

If you can't be with the one you love love the one you with. In this case it would be: me, myself and I.

williamcarter93 13

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:10

Mine. Not everyone is obsessed with having grandchildren.

emag_eht 18

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:19

My mom says she doesn't want grad kids.

emag_eht 18

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:21

**GRANDkids

DuRpY 5

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:29

Mothers of sixteen-year olds?

mikeofthunder 13

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:48

Did you thumb your own comment there, bob? :P

chell1894 13

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 14:19

No joke my fiancé's overbearing Mother will probably come and kidnap our future child. She worries me :/

saksxalmo 20

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 22:58

I don't want to have kids, much less grandkids! It irks me that people think all women want to/should have kids. -_-

Metallica36176 16

Send a private message

Saturday 6 October 2012 1:43

Mine doesn't. Both of my parents don't want grandchildren and they raised us that way. They taught us that this world is getting worse and it would be horrible to bring children into this world now. Bring on the down votes -_-

deppengi 4

Send a private message

Saturday 6 October 2012 7:22

Is this a bad time to say that mother shouldn't be capitalized?

TG_Wolf 1

Send a private message

Sunday 7 October 2012 17:21

I'm gay and I dislike children. Who cares what mother wants.

zoeerm 4

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:24

sad... rlly sad... i feel for u... not at all embarrassing?

RealReality 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:26

That's okay, you'll also need medical attention for that BURN.

MagicGiraffe 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:55

Too bad all his lotion is used up...

gc327072 30

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 14:07

Apply water to burned area....

SenselessPattern 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:29

She just doesn't understand the bond between a man and his hands.

awsetdvcshjkgss 1

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:56

You right hand will always be the best woman in the world. She never talks back and puts out anytime you need her too

ComTlancy 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:26

But I'm naturally left-handed... :/

Classlfied 4

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 16:09

If sex involving 3 people is a 3some and sex involving 2 people a 2some does this make you handsome?

xXHollowIchigoXx 17

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 16:51

No, it makes you lonesome.

rebel_belle1974 5

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:33

put your talents to use, donate sperm

DuRpY 5

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:34

Is it really a talent when it cums as easily as breathing? Then call me talented!

mario2012 18

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 15:49

Apparently 5has a talent for getting buried every time he makes a comment.

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:34

gc327072 30

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 14:27

Climbing the flagpole? Now that's a new one...

Pudagiah 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 15:00

Doc, I'd love to know the story behind your newest profile picture. Really enjoying the blog!

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 15:06

Thanks! It's an X-ray of the foot of a 16 year old kid who went joyriding in his parents' car while they were out of town. He crashed and walked away...barefoot. Those little rectangular things in his foot are pieces of glass that he stepped on that I had to extract.

X_Codes 11

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 15:36

We know what we do, we know what you do, and we know that you know what we do. All we ask is that you not be a creeper about it.

j_cat187 19

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 18:57

It's funny doc because if that was me when I was 16, I wouldn't be going to the hospital.

sonicgreg 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 20:56

I pictured mario I may need one too.

saksxalmo 20

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 23:00

Is it legal to post your patients' medical information online? Do you get their permission or...?

thrAsHeRr9081 16

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 23:09

It's not like we know who his patients are. He isn't violating any HIPAA laws.

saksxalmo 20

Send a private message

Saturday 6 October 2012 1:37

Oh, ok. I will never understand why FML commenters thumb certain things down. I was asking a serious question...

thatKidzmOm 10

Send a private message

Saturday 6 October 2012 3:24

There's never a name or any identifying information attached to any of his blogs. And it always says (not real name) if he uses a name. The blog is fantastic actually.

happylawyer 16

Send a private message

Saturday 6 October 2012 8:24

He is not revealing name and is not pairing the xray to a particular person. What cannot be done is tell that some particular person had this condition or treatment.

YourEvilHero 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:34

Surprise her, bring home a prostitute. prostitutes make lovely additions to any family

iseyixes 18

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 14:27

Really? Bring home a prostitute? Might as well bring home roaches.

deBlobX 12

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 14:50

Well you can't fuck roaches soooo...

gc327072 30

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 14:56

29- Hey, that's a completely legal profession in Nevada! It's a job in which (literally) they're doing what they love.

Ren_Uchiha 11

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 15:29

"I married a whore!" "How dare you, she's a nice lady!"

RedPillSucks 31

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 20:06

She's a very kinky girl The kind you don't take home to mother She will never let your spirits down Once you get her off the street

shark_girl 9

Send a private message

Saturday 6 October 2012 6:12

Yeah, am I the only one who saw Milk Money? THAT ended well.

jojimugo 20

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 12:42

Her knowing ....

chellyX92 8

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 17:20

Your point is?

RedPillSucks 31

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 20:08

It's the answer to OPs question.

KiddNYC1O 20

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 22:36

No, sorry, it's the latter.

sjdbeinska 4

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:00

and nw you will post this on fml so the whole world knows! :D

paaronoid 4

Send a private message

Friday 5 October 2012 13:02

Sorry, but this isn't even an FML. 99.9% of parents know that their sons/daughters masturbate and have sex. There's nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about. It's human nature. They do it, too.