Animals: Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said... - FML

By seriously - 24/05/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 653

You deserved it 4 551

Our house, in the middle of our street

Triage

You tried

By Smart - 16/09/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 536

You deserved it 3 116

By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 210

You deserved it 8 202

By jerdub93 - 19/11/2011 08:40 - United States

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 077

You deserved it 28 284

By trashed - 30/03/2017 03:00 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 879

You deserved it 417

By DrtySnchez - 18/08/2013 09:37 - United States - Statham

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 883

You deserved it 3 634

Cute nickname

By Anonymous - 23/06/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 493

By biblio - 18/01/2009 02:55 - United States

Today, I told the man I love to "go first" when we started talking at the same time. I wanted to confess my feelings, he wanted to tell me about his engagement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 131

You deserved it 2 483

By amy1023 - 26/11/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I complained to my boyfriend that I was stressed out. He asked me then "What do you have to be stressed out about?" I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. I ask him what was stressful about his day, he told me that his "kill/death ratio went down on Call of Duty". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 666

You deserved it 8 174

By Kim - 10/04/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I got back a paper after a peer review. I had worked really hard on it over the last week and was proud of the end result. When I got the paper back the only positive comment on the paper was "well I really like the blue staple you used to hold it together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 800

You deserved it 5 233

Chill out, dude

By Anonymous - 27/09/2012 15:31 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I saw a dog trying to attack a man. I have experience working with aggressive dogs, so I pulled the dog off him and got it under control. The man punched me in the face for not having my dog on a leash. It wasn't my dog. I don't even own a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 715

You deserved it 2 082

By yellowthumb - 03/05/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he regularly pees in our vegetable garden "to give the plants nitrates". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 496

You deserved it 551

Bye bye

By Dan - 17/11/2020 22:58

Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 960

Babe, I am your father.

By no, oh god no - 08/09/2018 14:30

Today, it was only as my boyfriend met my dad for the first time that I realised how alike they are. Same opinions, same dress sense, same moustache and beard, same height and body shape, similar jobs and cars, and they support the same rugby team. They got on like a house on fire as soon as they met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 728

You deserved it 707

By gr8terevil - 02/03/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 918

You deserved it 16 879

By rj - 06/03/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 195

You deserved it 3 024

As a matter of fact…

By Hangryko - 11/05/2021 08:01 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother told me to my face that if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have had kids. Thanks, Mum. It's not like I asked to be born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 88

By givingup - 30/01/2012 05:37 - United States

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 809

You deserved it 63 037

By juliestrawsky - 05/08/2019 04:00

Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 544

By Lincoln - 20/01/2009 01:23 - Australia

Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 249

You deserved it 2 785

By Carly4244 - 30/08/2017 01:30

Today, I was the Maid of Honor at my friend's wedding. Months earlier, we had a bitter fight, but she picked out a beautiful dress for me and I thought we were past it. When I began speaking, the lights changed to a weird brightness and my friend snickered. My dress was completely see-through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 257

You deserved it 511

By OhaiiKid - 07/03/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 448

You deserved it 25 995

Bye bye love

By unknown - 27/11/2012 18:45 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I ran across the street due to a line of cars waiting for me to cross. Just as I reached the other side, my iPhone slipped out of my hand and fell into the road, just in time to get run over by multiple cars, one after the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 034

You deserved it 7 331

Call CPS!

By Anonymous - 30/05/2020 17:00

Today, I discovered via my webcam that my brother believes in teaching babies to self-soothe, which in practice means ignoring my baby until she stops crying, only changing the nappy once in the 7 hours I was at work, and forgetting to feed her at all because he’s too busy watching Netflix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 938

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 07/09/2015 14:21 - Australia - Auburn

Spicy

Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 362

You deserved it 2 834

By Rich - 19/05/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 222

You deserved it 4 598

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

By Anonymous - 07/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 142

By juliasaman - 03/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I went to the doctors and was told I would need an inhaler. My mom came back from the pharmacy and told me the copay of $35 dollars was way too expensive, so she is making me use my cat's old inhaler. My mom values my cat's ability to breathe more then my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 730

You deserved it 2 605

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 19:16 - United States

Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 469

You deserved it 5 345

By Nanda - 14/06/2016 06:03 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 358

You deserved it 1 137

Bisexual!

By Anonymous - 25/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's phone titled "People's I've had sex with". There are also dates next to the notes which represented the day he had sex with them. Not only that it was NOT me who is the last person on the list, but I also realized that the last person on the list was my best friend. And he's a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 684

You deserved it 252

By Pumpkin - 18/07/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 161

You deserved it 102 815

Losing my mind

By rawr - 30/10/2019 18:00

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 349

You deserved it 335

By Anonymous - 04/11/2012 00:19 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 872

You deserved it 7 944

By bundie - 28/12/2008 07:02 - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 394

You deserved it 5 090

By Miami6and3 - 26/08/2013 18:22 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I asked my mom if I was ugly. She said, "Ask your girlfriend." I said I don't have one. She said "Exactly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 397

You deserved it 5 299

By Notfamous - 02/12/2015 22:18 - United States - West Point

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 734

You deserved it 1 512

By nononame - 10/03/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He responded, declining by telling me he never drinks coffee. We met at Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 078

You deserved it 4 167

By BirdBrain - 14/12/2017 19:00

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 938

You deserved it 385

By Moeswifey - 24/10/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 343

You deserved it 4 518

No chuds, thanks

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 20:01

Today, I found the Instagram account belonging to the guy I've been seeing. That's how I found out he's one of those nitwit asshole Proud Boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 363

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Friday 24 May 2013 11:58

Get rid of your mom.

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:00

I think it's a little much for people to be calling other animals "manipulators". We're clearly much more manipulative species than they will ever be.

Comments

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Friday 24 May 2013 11:58

Get rid of your mom.

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:28

I can tell you're going to win a Darwin Award before you're 30

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:38

I'm thinking #1 is the aforementioned evil cat genius.. Anyone?

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Friday 24 May 2013 15:53

Anyone else not understand the internet obsession of cats?

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Friday 24 May 2013 16:22

46 - Is there something wrong with loving cats?

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Friday 24 May 2013 16:45

I love Cthulhu

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Friday 24 May 2013 18:46

I feel like dogs are going to have to rise up and run the cats off the internet. Just like we did in egypt!

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Friday 24 May 2013 11:59

Well then stop spoiling the cat!

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Friday 24 May 2013 19:02

Apparently no one here knows how to train an animal. If you spoil the animal it will continue to behave poorly. I'm 99% certain that is why the mother is calling the cat a "manipulator".

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Saturday 25 May 2013 23:59

60 percent of the time it works every time...

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Friday 17 October 2014 20:38

Maybe they're just pussy-whipped

underthesea12 24

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:00

You should listen to your mama!

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Friday 24 May 2013 13:40

I think #3 is right. We humans have had far too much fun on this planet screwing around with almost every known thing in this world. I have a feeling that that that the 4 legged creatures are becoming smarter; OMG OP's mum is right too...

djxerxes9000 18

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Friday 24 May 2013 14:00

Shh we all know that you're drunk.

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:00

I think it's a little much for people to be calling other animals "manipulators". We're clearly much more manipulative species than they will ever be.

imessedwithtexas 13

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:30

Agreed. after all, we domesticated them, not the other way around.

SWhimsynBubbaS 14

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:48

Thats true, but this FML really makes me wonder what the cat did exactly....

perdix 29

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Friday 24 May 2013 13:48

#14, at least that's what the cats would have you think ;)

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Friday 24 May 2013 16:00

I dunno. We ARE the number one manipulators. But I think cats do come second...

elephantsarecute 16

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Saturday 25 May 2013 0:54

Who's to say that the cat masterminds didn't manipulate us to develop civilization, just so that they could live pampered lives of luxury while we do all the work?

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Sunday 26 May 2013 0:02

4 you can manipulate me any time.

xtna 9

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:02

Get a dog.

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Friday 24 May 2013 14:17

no, just no

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Friday 24 May 2013 14:57

Kitty's for life !

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 24 May 2013 16:57

Pussygalore?

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:03

she has a point

Dthnte 15

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:03

Cats are clever, maybe more so than your mum.. she probably feels intimidated by it ;)

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:05

Of course. Haven't you seen it lurking, brooding, plotting? The innocence in its casual strut betrayed by the intent in those sharp eyes. In the dead of night, you sometimes feel that pair of eyes beckoning to you, waiting for you to come closer to your furry demise. One thing is clear; this cat won't sleep until all of humanville becomes its litterbox.

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:36

But cats hardy do anything BUT sleep! At least mine don't anyway..

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Friday 24 May 2013 13:04

Of course that's what they'd want you to think. Poor, misguided fool.

djxerxes9000 18

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Friday 24 May 2013 14:01

#15 its waiting, not sleeping

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 24 May 2013 16:59

It the times when they're not asleep that you should be worried.

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:08

Your mom seems awake, you need to open your eyes, cats are probably the second most evil animals in the world after hamsters.

Ozzien 26

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Friday 24 May 2013 12:13

RENAME HIM SISSEL!

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 8

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 1 938

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 189