Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle... - FML

By amorousintx - 26/9/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

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Business savvy

Minefield

Creepy

By fuckmyplums - 7/2/2014 23:47 - Austria - Grossarl

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask my boss for a raise. Today is also the day I found out my boss has a shitlist of employees he wants to fire, and that I'm now on it. FML

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By disapointed girl - 28/12/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 18:52 - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

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By Lisa - 11/8/2018 03:30

Today, I slept with a friend who always bitches about how he can't keep a girlfriend. When he finished within 3 minutes I understood why. FML

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By deaddoggy - 2/3/2016 20:46 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

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By Sean - 9/9/2013 21:04 - United States

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

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By secret dancer - 16/8/2011 16:55 - Sweden

Today, I was bored and all alone while cleaning at work. This led me to start passionately doing a ballet dance in the empty corridor. I promptly stopped as I remembered the surveillance cameras. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I decided to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. Those 5 extra minutes became 55 minutes, which, coincidentally, was roughly the length of the midterm I missed. FML

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By underachiever - 20/2/2010 07:29 - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

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By sick of this shit - 12/3/2016 13:33 - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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By epistaxis - 2/2/2009 00:43 - Australia

Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

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By badbowel - 31/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I was sick from both ends at work. My boss wouldn't let me go home, and told me to borrow a pair of spare pants to change into. I suffered another bout of gastroenteritis and shit someone else's pants. FML

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By Christen - 19/2/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML

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By Noslo - 10/11/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By Jake - 1/7/2009 12:28 - Australia

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

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By marriagesux - 29/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

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By Idle_Twin - 17/5/2015 17:53 - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 14:34 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life". I'm 26 and just very short. FML

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By bibi - 19/3/2012 23:43 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I went to see a dinosaur exhibition with my mum. We walked around and saw a huge dinosaur, made of plastic and rubber. She was very disappointed, saying that she thought there would be real live dinosaurs for us to see. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 02:25 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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By BrandNewKadillak - 30/4/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

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By Name - 11/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was playing tennis with my friend. He hit a ball up high, and I slammed it down, thinking there was no way he would get it. Feeling pretty good about it, I turned around to celebrate. As I turned around, I got smacked in my face. He got it. FML

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By Kate - 5/4/2019 22:00 - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

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By fmT719 - 18/12/2011 23:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

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By sadgirlhours - 26/8/2019 19:01 - United States - Gulfport

Today, I tried plugging in my Gatorade bottle with a charging cable instead of my phone. I couldn't tell if the reason was because I was high, or I'm just really that fucking stupid. FML

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By Lovenotes - 17/10/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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By it's sharty time :/ - 2/7/2016 18:45 - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

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By that girl. - 6/6/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

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By Katrina - 22/9/2020 20:02 - United States - Phoenix

People are dingdongs

Today, a guest came to the front desk and pretended to have a gun under his shirt while demanding passes to the water park. He was shocked when I had security remove him - he thought it was a funny joke. FML

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By fuckparents - 9/1/2012 23:01 - United States

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

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By unknown - 9/11/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

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By Tag - 7/9/2015 00:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

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By Fml24609 - 9/8/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, I misspelled the word "failure" in front of all my co-workers. Now I'm not given any writing tasks. FML

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By angel grace - 15/2/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

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By Kika - 20/1/2009 07:59 - France

Today, the phone rang. I run to get the call, I trip, fall on a metal chair. Tears in my eyes and out of breath I pick up... "Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions? It's for a survey." FML

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Top comments

By Johnaldo | 3

#1463286 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:12

At least you're more fun than homework...

By kaijapapaya | 0

#1463430 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:32

meh, don't take it personally. instead, have some school teacher role-play sex. he's been pretty naughty for not doing his homework, right? ;)

COMMENTS

By Johnaldo | 3

#1463286 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:12

At least you're more fun than homework...

Reply

kotomi | 0

#1463322 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:17

everything is more fun than homework -_-

Reply

MissGrinch | 4

#1463347 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:21

D:

I disagree!
Homework is so much fun!
The learning!
The difficulty!
The moment when I can exclaim, "I have conquered thee!" >:)

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1463709 - Monday 27 September 2010 12:03

well u had a good romp, no fml here

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1463717 - Monday 27 September 2010 12:06

What the fuck? Romp? Hahahahahahahaha

Reply

nerdsgetmehot | 22

#1464222 - Monday 27 September 2010 14:32

Ooh, OP decided to great creative with her words and use a phrase other than "my husband and I fucked." So what? The creative wording is so much more fun to read. :P
Sorry if I sound snippy. I guess that's what happens when I comment on FMLs at 5:30 am...

Reply

Hayman68 | 4

#1464238 - Monday 27 September 2010 14:42

hey, if nerds get you hot, youll love me

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#1464389 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:38

@7 we do the same thing with sex

The learning! - Today I learned that my girl friend is really kinky
The difficulty! - She wanted me to do some Kama Sutra position called "lotus on pole"

The moment when I can exclaim, "I have conquered thee!" >:) -- That's what she said! FML.

Reply

MissGrinch | 4

#1466921 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 0:46

28, I didn't think of it that way.

I feel so uncool. D:

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#1467005 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:10

You're not uncool. You just do waaaay too much homework.

Reply

iHOOT4Hooters | 0

#1468321 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 6:07

Teacher: Why didn't you do your homework?
Husband: Um, I was really busy.
Teacher: With what?
Husband: Well, I had some Sex Ed. homework, and also some Physical Education homework.
Teacher: So?
Husband: So, I decided to combine them into one, and practice on my wife.

Reply

MadPercussion | 0

#1477233 - Thursday 30 September 2010 18:01

wtf is romp? pfff hahaha

By p3rfect_ins4nity | 0

#1463288 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:12

well I bet it worked

Reply

paid2think | 0

#1463557 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:57

Daaaammmnnn look at that donut!!

By coolster56 | 0

#1463290 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:12

woof woof

By ILoveMyXbox | 0

#1463292 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:12

He's a desperate sunv bitch

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1463302 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:14

Offer him some extra credit.

Reply

xxElle | 0

#1463550 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:54

lol!

By valtraxman69 | 0

#1463359 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:21

Guess you can say you're better to do than homework. OH YEAH!

By iSexxxy | 0

#1463361 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:22

He probably didn't know what to say.

By fanbat | 0

#1463380 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:23

my mikshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like mine better than yours damn right its better that yours

By kaijapapaya | 0

#1463430 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:32

meh, don't take it personally. instead, have some school teacher role-play sex. he's been pretty naughty for not doing his homework, right? ;)

Reply

psuboy | 0

#1463453 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:35

hahahaha

Reply

PrincessPaytonn | 0

#1466058 - Monday 27 September 2010 21:46

that is such a good idea :)

By FYLDeep | 25

#1463455 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:35

I wonder what he'd do for a Klondike bar...

Reply

MissGrinch | 4

#1463523 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:46

...after he answers how many licks does it take to get to the center-

Never mind.

Reply

Arsonnist | 3

#1463534 - Monday 27 September 2010 9:50

His homework? Maybe not.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#1464399 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:40

Three. The wise owls says it takes three. Maybe he meant "threesome"