Today, out of boredom, I decided to clean shave my beard and...

By CrimsonChin

Today, out of boredom, I decided to clean shave my beard and moustache for the first time in 3 years. My new nickname at work is The Crimson Chin. FML

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BO Central

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Packaging

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

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Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

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By Anonymous

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

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By jessica071509 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

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By lanu - United States

AAARGH

Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML

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By duckwater - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

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By redhanded - United States

Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By cduran2011 - United States

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

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By squad - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Fe

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

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By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 02:03

Ouch

Today, while brushing my teeth half asleep, I stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush, toothpaste included. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

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By QueueJumper - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By loldick - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

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By harro101 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

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By me. - United States - Norman

Hard shoulder

Today, I found out my mom has been telling my entire family I need surgery on my "Labia" instead of my "Labrum". I went from needing shoulder surgery to needing vagina surgery with one group text. Thanks, mom. FML

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By queenmabby

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

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By butimarealbear - United States

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

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By helpme - United States - Irvine

Today, as part of a charity project called Operation Valentine, I worked with 150 other volunteers to make care packages and Valentine's Day cards to send to the troops in Afghanistan, thanking them for their courage. My boyfriend called the cards "cheating" and now refuses to see me. FML

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By fmlforreal - Singapore

Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML

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By bananayellowteeth - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML

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By AZN656 - Australia

Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML

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By deanlazore - United States - Brunswick

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date. I've discussed the fact I like to date older men, but she thought it was clever to send a 63-year-old to my house to, "Netflix And Chill." FML

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By Sleeper_C3ll - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

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By RohnAbheek - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 17:01

We were on a break!

Today, it's been two weeks since my girlfriend of many years and I decided to take a short break from each other. We'd been fighting a lot and felt like some space would help the situation. I found out today that, at some point during those two weeks, she decided to go and have sex with my (now ex) best friend. FML

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By ripfluffy - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

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By unemployed - United States

Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 23:01

Between a rock and a not-so-hard place

Today, I found out that the pills my doctor prescribed for my ED cause severe side effects and I have to stop taking them. So much for my sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML

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By lawoman27 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad was having an affair on my mom with. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

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Top comments

By mackdeezy | 21

#7534031 - Saturday 26 August 2017 6:31

*sings* Here comes The Crimson Chin!

By LeoCor | 18

#7534014 - Saturday 26 August 2017 5:13

Haha that sounds like a pretty cool name... however it's up to you but maybe keep it shaven from now on if you don't want it to happen again.

COMMENTS

By LeoCor | 18

#7534014 - Saturday 26 August 2017 5:13

Haha that sounds like a pretty cool name... however it's up to you but maybe keep it shaven from now on if you don't want it to happen again.

By mackdeezy | 21

#7534031 - Saturday 26 August 2017 6:31

*sings* Here comes The Crimson Chin!

By eitnuom | 4

#7534044 - Saturday 26 August 2017 8:04

Hopefully you took it on the crimson chin

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7534053 - Saturday 26 August 2017 8:11

You better be wearing red...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7534092 - Saturday 26 August 2017 10:25

I think you can join the Mafia now.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7534138 - Saturday 26 August 2017 14:08

Now pick a coworker to be Cleft, the Boy Chin Wonder!

By draghkar | 16

#7534155 - Saturday 26 August 2017 15:20

Clearly you don't shave often, but a rub with an alum block, then splash with witch hazel: it should be part of the normal routine, and the redness will be gone.

By Firestar268 | 24

#7534226 - Saturday 26 August 2017 17:59

To be honest crimson Chin doesn't sound that bad

By Chris Smith | 9

#7534235 - Saturday 26 August 2017 19:07

better than the double-chin

By RockPrincess26 | 16

#7534272 - Saturday 26 August 2017 21:46

Are you going to go fight villains after work?