Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

Harsh

Today, while talking to the girl I have a crush on, I bragged how people tell me I have a voice for radio. She responded, "And the face for it too." FML

The Voice

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

Today, I tried singing in front of my friend. She said, "That's a hilarious voice! You should use that voice when telling jokes!" FML

Today, I told my girlfriend she was beautiful. She replied, "Lit." FML

Noise annoys

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

What's so funny?

Today, I said to my significant other, "I think I'm a pretty good catch." She started laughing so heavily that tears came out of her eyes. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

Take it while you can

Today, my dentist told me I had a good tongue. That's the best compliment I've gotten in months. FML