Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants...

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 01:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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Love

Family values

Noise

Extreme late fees

By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

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By lost_ina_dream - 21/2/2010 01:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

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By fuck off, dad - 4/4/2014 21:31 - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

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By Ashley Harn - 23/8/2018 18:30

Today, I found out I'm allergic to something in the city water. I've had itchy patches and rashes all over my body, but I can't afford to pay for the filtration system that would solve it. My landlord forbids any modifications to the shower and washing machine. FML

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By gumless - 2/5/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

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By bels12 - 5/1/2010 05:15 - Australia

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2011 19:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

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By katybaby - 9/12/2010 17:15 - United States

Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML

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By mildlyconcussed - 10/8/2015 08:32 - Italy - Somma Vesuviana

Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

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By stillkindahorny - 13/9/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

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By LovesHisHand - 20/9/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2011 09:32 - United States

Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register. Only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML

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By firebombtimEFUCKERS - 29/9/2012 16:32 - United States

Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - 21/11/2014 06:11 - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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By dry spell - 2/7/2013 16:17 - United States - Belfair

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

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By cantgetitupcantgetiton - 14/1/2010 01:02 - United States

Quickie

Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Grand Rapids

Marking territory

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 01:54 - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

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By xo007 - 4/11/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, as I stepped into the shower, I slipped and fell over the edge of the tub, pulling the shower curtain down with me. I called my roommate to help me up as I put on a towel over me. But before she could help me up, she grabbed her phone to take a picture. The picture became a mass text. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

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By PeepShow - 6/8/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2013 16:38 - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 05:00

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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By ohEw - 9/11/2017 10:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML

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By Pandathepilot - 10/11/2017 15:00

Say hello to my plastic friend!

Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML

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By sammarli530 - 29/5/2013 16:24 - United States - New Lenox

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2012 06:41 - United States - Centralia

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be hilarious if she pulled a prank on me, so she did the classic "bucket of water on a door" one. I ended up getting stitches and a concussion on my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, while at training with several of my co-workers, I realized I was the only woman. The only thing one of them said to me the entire day was "DUDE!" while staring at my chest as I took my coat off in the morning. FML

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By FailAtLife - 22/2/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at a restauraunt opening up. One manager hypothetically asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most. I left to find I'd locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

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By jadakorn - 11/7/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

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By Tyler - 19/11/2011 08:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

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By lkvetched - 30/8/2016 17:23 - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:11 - United States

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

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By patient_mom - 14/6/2015 01:27 - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

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By PuddlePirate - 7/9/2012 16:23 - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

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By Backinzi - 30/7/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

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By fthislyfe - 2/7/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

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By Nic - 23/2/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, I just studied for 13.5 hours completely outlining a book for history. Thirty minutes before the test, I realized I had been reading the wrong book. FML

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By shescomfortablynumb - 5/6/2009 07:49 - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 14:00

I've been… held up

Today, I was finally able to see my gran for the first time since lockdown. She told me off for not visiting sooner. FML

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Top comments

By jes12NV | 0

#1708802 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:05

wow . you're doing something wrong lol

By DefineAlrep | 9

#1708835 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:07

At least she didn't cheat on you. No?

COMMENTS

By jes12NV | 0

#1708802 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:05

wow . you're doing something wrong lol

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1708945 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:20

his creating more lesbians for the porn industry! how is this wrong? thank you op!

allmidnighteyes | 10

#1709013 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:33

...because everyone who likes the same sex does porn.

Impeccable logic.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1709304 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 10:52

#17 hey look it's jackie chan!!

PlastikSeraph | 2

#1710612 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 15:08

I MAKE THE STRAIGHT GIRLS TURN GAY!

TheDrifter | 23

#1710735 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 15:51

I have the same problem op. But is it because I'm that bad or that good?

bh0p | 0

#1711482 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 20:18

no 64 cause then gay guys will turn straight......what do you make bi's go to OP?.......animals? O.o

OrginalOwen | 0

#1711938 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 0:28

he makes good girls go lesbian!

jes12NV | 0

#1712295 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 3:05

hahaha Jared Padalecki FTW

By ICabooseI | 0

#1708824 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:07

because being with you made her feel like"if I'm going to be with a woman, I might as well be with one that looks like a woman."

InnDepth | 0

#1708860 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:09

I wish there was a like button so I can give u one caboose OT ; go date a guy

InDenial | 6

#1710035 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 11:40

There is a like button? Oh and it's OP, not OT :)

77taylah33 | 0

#1710066 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 11:51

what is OT 7?? thought it was OP

Occums_Razor | 0

#1710486 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 14:29

I think it might be "On Topic"

By tboudre | 0

#1708830 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:07

you should help her "ease into it" by doing a 3-way with her & her hot bi-friend.

By DefineAlrep | 9

#1708835 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:07

At least she didn't cheat on you. No?

By spade1997 | 0

#1708850 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:08

your so bad it make woman like woman

ICabooseI | 0

#1708931 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:17

DERP

exotramp | 5

#1710647 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 15:15

lol. agree.

By insertcutename | 3

#1708879 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:12

I say get a sex change. If the women you date afterwards still break up with you, then YDI.

By C6Racer | 0

#1708887 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:12

Orgasmitron will change her mind!

desigirl2010 | 0

#1710250 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 12:52

oooo from yesterday!

By Clumsyblonde22 | 12

#1708891 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:12

You're the last stop before beavertown

mountneer | 0

#1709329 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 10:57

^very nice.

By maphineRAWRS | 10

#1709000 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:31

ops a switcherrrrr ;)
I'd be seriously worried if I was you. just saying :)

pvthill | 0

#1709052 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:42

15 u really need to clean that shit out from in front the mirror... it caught my attention b4 ur body did

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1709131 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 10:06

haha it was a few months ago, it's gone now, no need to worry ;)

cornix | 0

#1709321 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 10:54

You are probably gay as I didn't see any stuff in front of the mirror. Only noticed a gorgeous body.

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1709976 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 11:18

hehe thanks :)

By pvthill | 0

#1709017 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 9:34

eat more pussy