Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the...

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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Intimacy

White line fever

Countdown

Thanks, government

By Klamp18 - United States

Today, I decided to attach fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

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10986

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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29486

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By JohnyP - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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44386

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By owowowow - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

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35024

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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49167

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By fuckmyplums - Austria - Grossarl

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask my boss for a raise. Today is also the day I found out my boss has a shitlist of employees he wants to fire, and that I'm now on it. FML

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41297

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By frame - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

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96978

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By Pwnedofthedead - Canada

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

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43693

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By notacaveman - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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76009

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By mydadforgetsme - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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23574

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By Di Da - 6/7/2020 23:02

Ghosted

Today, my boss came to my desk and asked me how the work is going, then he just walked away in the middle of me explaining a problem in the project. When I wanted to make an appointment with his secretary, she told me he isn't going to have any time this and next week. FML

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By blabla - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

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20229

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By THANKS - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it's my birthday. I had asked my parents for a keyboard, and I was really excited to open the massive box they gave me. It was a computer keyboard. I've been playing piano for 11 years. FML

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30936

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By Noname - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

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63811

You deserved it

338653

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By strawberrykiwi62 - Israel

Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54967

You deserved it

5504

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By James - United States

Today, my neighbor installed a large radio that loudly plays Christmas music 24/7. When I called in a complaint to the police department they told me to, "get in the Christmas spirit." FML

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34627

You deserved it

11186

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

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51047

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1111

You deserved it

274

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

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28758

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By Anonymous

Today, while riding to the skate park, I noticed a gorgeous blonde walking towards me. She gave me a smile as I passed so I turned and looked behind me to get a second glance. I rode my BMX straight into a light pole in front of a pub patio full of people. She saw it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1943

You deserved it

3414

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By A.K. - United States

Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54053

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

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32787

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said "That was my daughter." FML

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37052

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By Single Again - 7/3/2020 06:11

Cunning

Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

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2142

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119

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By Economess - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

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24863

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By LadyGagasLOVER - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

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45647

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

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40201

You deserved it

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By unhappy wifey - United States - Portland

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

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25282

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By Dr. Jack - United States

Today, my airline lost my luggage when I flew back from France. They also lost my luggage when I flew to France. FML

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40142

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

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19938

You deserved it

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By GamerAM

Today, after over a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor for a much-needed medication refill, he finally called back. Too bad my phone got unplugged and died in the middle of the night. FML

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1393

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By Excalibur6669 - United States - Parlin

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML

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32583

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By BrewPack - United States - Slinger

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46953

You deserved it

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By ILuvYouSoldiers - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

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94250

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By raidered - United States

Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30412

You deserved it

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By DepressedCellist

Today, my boyfriend and I had band practice for our duo. I've been playing cello for almost a year and wanted to incorporate it. He picked it up for pretty much the first time and sounded surprisingly good. I was excited until I realized he sounded better than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2438

You deserved it

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By Scholar - United States

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

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37370

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6126

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By Kutakito - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

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46298

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my bank card was skimmed (copied electronically) and my account was totally cleaned out. I had only just got paid and don't get paid again for 4 weeks. The bank says it will take 21 days minimum to resolve. They offered me a credit card with a huge interest rate to help me get by. FML

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55219

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Springs

Today, I checked the app I had used during the night. It's supposed to record you while you sleep if you make any noise, and I had downloaded because my friends say I snore. The only noise it picked up was my parents having sex. FML

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38173

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Top comments

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270082 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

Move the TV back out of your room :).

By perdix | 29

#1270326 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:29

Yes, you did improve in bed -- you brought in the TV! I'm sure your gf is thrilled that you are open to the idea of getting electrical devices involved in your otherwise tedious sex life.

You are going to have to demote yourself from the role of boyfriend to being the pimp for a series of vibrators and a series of electro-hydraulic sex contraptions.

I can't wait to see you bitch-slap the Orgasmatron 6900 for not showing you da money.

COMMENTS

By HouseHunter | 2

#1270005 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

well uh OH GOD

Pastor_Rich | 0

#1270086 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

marry her and make an honest woman out of her

Viatus | 0

#1270197 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:13

Fuck religion

legonut4 | 0

#1270405 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:36

it's funny because she finds tv more exciting then sex with you

the sex was not nice and moist

allenrotstein | 0

#1270587 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:51

man, its all about her CLIT. Penetration alone won't cut... are you 15?

DearLar | 0

#1270834 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:36

Atleast you got laid.

remy3106 | 10

#1270854 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:40

26 u look like a perv haha

heynow00wellthen | 0

#1270929 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:49

26-well you sound like you've got lots of experience. ^,^ lol

susieKiute | 0

#1271041 - Thursday 19 August 2010 18:16

numero 26 is right

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1271186 - Thursday 19 August 2010 18:45

actually if you know how to use your cock you don't need to touch the clit, but 90% of guys can't 1. make a girl cum and 2. last more than 10 mins lol sucks to be you guys

dickster | 0

#1271282 - Thursday 19 August 2010 19:00

I hope you get AIDS and die alone OP.

TheAwesomeMarchi | 0

#1271543 - Thursday 19 August 2010 19:54

I agree dude......it's all about the CLIT

crazyazzkike | 0

#1272204 - Thursday 19 August 2010 21:11

there are so many kids on FML, I wouldn't even be surprised if he were under 15. you fail @ sex, OP. try getting a porn.

twinny_sc | 13

#1272634 - Thursday 19 August 2010 22:24

53 you are mistaken.

falluke17 | 0

#1272875 - Thursday 19 August 2010 23:51

alright everyone, 53 seems to be the pro here... even though he looks like a tard?

hugopz | 0

#1273295 - Friday 20 August 2010 1:48

LOL yes he does

hockeybuff | 0

#1273453 - Friday 20 August 2010 2:33

ya, I guess fat girls need lovin too!

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1273598 - Friday 20 August 2010 3:17

lol it's funny you leave a comment like that when you're too self conscious to upload a pic of yourselves. I bet both of you are fat slobs who can't get any lovin period.

MykeLytorus | 0

#1273698 - Friday 20 August 2010 3:50

just because someone doesn't upload a pic doesn't mean they're self concious about it, I've uploaded pics to the net but not FML. In your case you shouldn't have bothered. You look like an idiot and sound like one too. The ones that brag are the ones that really have no reason too. Nobody wants to hear you insult them as a group. You don't even know who you're adressing-- you're just trolling. Run along.

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1274023 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:18

lol who asked you? didn't realize you were the voice of FML, I should have asked around, huh

toxic10uhc | 0

#1274038 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:22

fail.

rimouski | 0

#1274174 - Friday 20 August 2010 6:15

#80. you sound like a faggot...

ChesterJester11 | 0

#1274266 - Friday 20 August 2010 6:53

at least the tv can satisfy her

MightyGoober | 2

#1274664 - Friday 20 August 2010 9:19

#83 is the biggest win of them all

AceArctic | 4

#1824827 - Friday 10 December 2010 19:12

44 that fits in nicely here

By Domonator | 16

#1270014 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

Better get more practice!

mylyfzeffedup | 0

#1275218 - Friday 20 August 2010 13:37

more practice my ass! he deserves it for bein wack as shit.

n btw I <3 Domo!

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270082 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

Move the TV back out of your room :).

BehindTheSun | 2

#1270102 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:07

That's not a good idea, then he'd never get any.

BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270432 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:39

He said he recently moved the TV into the bedroom. So...he was having sex w/o a TV there. Maybe try # 8's suggestion.

By Shashaw_fml | 0

#1270090 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

LOL, time to turn off the TV and try something new together

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1270143 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

You must be extremely bad in bed if she has to watch tv to keep entertained Lol Watch some porn together and learn some new moves rookie

By Niick_fml | 0

#1270152 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:10

YDI for not improving in bed.

By jackieeoo | 0

#1270177 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:12

ydi for making her so bored in bed that shed watch tv

nascar1477 | 0

#1378264 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:11

you are gorgeous! :)

By coffee_enima | 0

#1270183 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:13

you know, most couples watch porn in bed, not 90210.

justsayfuck | 5

#1270435 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:39

What about not watching anything on tv at all? And having only eyes for each other.
All these FML's make me feel too old fashioned, what happened to romance? :(

deafeningsilence | 8

#1270768 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:27

I totally agree with 23.

mitchie11 | 0

#1270953 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:54

23.. this entire website makes me feel old fashioned. Most of these fmls talk about sex with one's own bf/gf and it's just depressing to see how sex has lost its meaning to most of the world.