Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the...

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

On the ball

Social media was a mistake

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to use antiperspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By myself - United States

Today, it's been about a week since my boyfriend started his new medication, which has essentially killed any sex drive he had. It has also been about two weeks since I stopped mine, making me hornier than ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cashiering at a grocery store when an elderly woman came through my line buying prune juice. She then whispered to me that last time she bought it, she "blew up her toilet". FML

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By painedandpissed - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

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By mad flyer - France

Today, after my first flight landed late, I burned out my lungs sprinting full speed for 10 minutes to catch my next flight. The gate number on my ticket was wrong. It had been changed to one right next to where I had originally pulled up to. FML

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By bubblzzz

Today, my father called the cops saying I stole his car. It's my car, but his name is on the title. Why did he report it stolen? Because rather than taking him to a bar and being his designated driver, I went to a job interview. FML

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By mszoe - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

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By JohhnyKeroscene - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

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By newscomes - United States

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By damn... - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a job conference. At lunch, I saw this stunning guy. At dessert time, I coughed so much that the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth went straight onto his glasses. I think it's too late to introduce myself now. FML

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By Bluetooth Connection

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

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By waternixie - Malaysia - Rembau

Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 14:00

Lightweight

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

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By Bad sibling

Today, as planned, my dad confirmed that he would be flying up to visit me for the weekend. Not planned, however, was that my whiny and high-maintenance sister invited herself along too. There's no way I can dis-invite her without offending my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Meade

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

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By erectioninfection - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By "linzi1771" - Canada - Vancouver

Today, in front of my friends, my mom came after me with a pair of tweezers exclaiming "there's just a couple of hairs on your chin that need to be plucked." I'm a 14 year old girl. FML

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By aricababyy - United States - Winchester

Today, I had my very first interview and pretty much got hired right away. Then I found out I have to drive 2 hours away for training. I don't have a car, license, or money. FML

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By thammer - United States - Green Bay

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

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By DumbCuntApparently - Netherlands - Hilversum

Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML

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By Chris Chandler

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

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By Ants everywhere but my pants - United States - Sun City Center

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

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By dpimente - 17/12/2020 11:05

With friends like these…

Today, I checked my bank account online and noticed two checks that I didn't write had gone through, so I got copies of them and recognized the handwriting. It was my best friend's. FML

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By danmarino - United States

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to google it when I got home. FML

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By ItRainedOutside - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, after 3 years with my dream girl, I decided to pop the question by making her complete a scavenger hunt ending in her finding me, suit and everything, by the park bench where we had our first kiss. She came home tired and, instead of following the clues, decided to watch TV all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deatsville

Today, my boss is still refusing to fire my psychotic coworker, who's made it his mission to insult, annoy, bully and threaten me every day into making me quit. My boss is convinced the guy just has "assburger's" and that the company would get sued if we fired him. FML

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By tor - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By Kourou - France

Today, I went to rent a DVD with my 85-year-old grandpa. I was walking around and then realized I was alone. I looked for him for quite a while until I finally found him open-mouthed in the porn section. FML

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By liver - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, since I'm too broke to get a new one, I had to duct tape my bra. FML

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By Zoey - Canada

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 07:01 - United States - Fort Worth

UTI

Today, while studying in the library, I felt a sudden urge to pass gas. There were not too many people around, so I let it go while in my seat and it went unnoticed. What caught the attention of everybody was the puddle slowly forming under my seat. Turns out, I farted so hard I pissed myself. FML

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By crookedteeth - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

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By NoBabies - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

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By marie0908 - France - Siros

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gloucester

Thanks Karen

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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Top comments

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270082 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

Move the TV back out of your room :).

By perdix | 29

#1270326 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:29

Yes, you did improve in bed -- you brought in the TV! I'm sure your gf is thrilled that you are open to the idea of getting electrical devices involved in your otherwise tedious sex life.

You are going to have to demote yourself from the role of boyfriend to being the pimp for a series of vibrators and a series of electro-hydraulic sex contraptions.

I can't wait to see you bitch-slap the Orgasmatron 6900 for not showing you da money.

COMMENTS

By HouseHunter | 2

#1270005 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

well uh OH GOD

Pastor_Rich | 0

#1270086 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

marry her and make an honest woman out of her

Viatus | 0

#1270197 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:13

Fuck religion

legonut4 | 0

#1270405 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:36

it's funny because she finds tv more exciting then sex with you

the sex was not nice and moist

allenrotstein | 0

#1270587 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:51

man, its all about her CLIT. Penetration alone won't cut... are you 15?

DearLar | 0

#1270834 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:36

Atleast you got laid.

remy3106 | 10

#1270854 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:40

26 u look like a perv haha

heynow00wellthen | 0

#1270929 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:49

26-well you sound like you've got lots of experience. ^,^ lol

susieKiute | 0

#1271041 - Thursday 19 August 2010 18:16

numero 26 is right

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1271186 - Thursday 19 August 2010 18:45

actually if you know how to use your cock you don't need to touch the clit, but 90% of guys can't 1. make a girl cum and 2. last more than 10 mins lol sucks to be you guys

dickster | 0

#1271282 - Thursday 19 August 2010 19:00

I hope you get AIDS and die alone OP.

TheAwesomeMarchi | 0

#1271543 - Thursday 19 August 2010 19:54

I agree dude......it's all about the CLIT

crazyazzkike | 0

#1272204 - Thursday 19 August 2010 21:11

there are so many kids on FML, I wouldn't even be surprised if he were under 15. you fail @ sex, OP. try getting a porn.

twinny_sc | 13

#1272634 - Thursday 19 August 2010 22:24

53 you are mistaken.

falluke17 | 0

#1272875 - Thursday 19 August 2010 23:51

alright everyone, 53 seems to be the pro here... even though he looks like a tard?

hugopz | 0

#1273295 - Friday 20 August 2010 1:48

LOL yes he does

hockeybuff | 0

#1273453 - Friday 20 August 2010 2:33

ya, I guess fat girls need lovin too!

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1273598 - Friday 20 August 2010 3:17

lol it's funny you leave a comment like that when you're too self conscious to upload a pic of yourselves. I bet both of you are fat slobs who can't get any lovin period.

MykeLytorus | 0

#1273698 - Friday 20 August 2010 3:50

just because someone doesn't upload a pic doesn't mean they're self concious about it, I've uploaded pics to the net but not FML. In your case you shouldn't have bothered. You look like an idiot and sound like one too. The ones that brag are the ones that really have no reason too. Nobody wants to hear you insult them as a group. You don't even know who you're adressing-- you're just trolling. Run along.

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1274023 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:18

lol who asked you? didn't realize you were the voice of FML, I should have asked around, huh

toxic10uhc | 0

#1274038 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:22

fail.

rimouski | 0

#1274174 - Friday 20 August 2010 6:15

#80. you sound like a faggot...

ChesterJester11 | 0

#1274266 - Friday 20 August 2010 6:53

at least the tv can satisfy her

MightyGoober | 2

#1274664 - Friday 20 August 2010 9:19

#83 is the biggest win of them all

AceArctic | 4

#1824827 - Friday 10 December 2010 19:12

44 that fits in nicely here

By Domonator | 16

#1270014 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

Better get more practice!

mylyfzeffedup | 0

#1275218 - Friday 20 August 2010 13:37

more practice my ass! he deserves it for bein wack as shit.

n btw I <3 Domo!

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270082 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

Move the TV back out of your room :).

BehindTheSun | 2

#1270102 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:07

That's not a good idea, then he'd never get any.

BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270432 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:39

He said he recently moved the TV into the bedroom. So...he was having sex w/o a TV there. Maybe try # 8's suggestion.

By Shashaw_fml | 0

#1270090 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

LOL, time to turn off the TV and try something new together

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1270143 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

You must be extremely bad in bed if she has to watch tv to keep entertained Lol Watch some porn together and learn some new moves rookie

By Niick_fml | 0

#1270152 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:10

YDI for not improving in bed.

By jackieeoo | 0

#1270177 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:12

ydi for making her so bored in bed that shed watch tv

nascar1477 | 0

#1378264 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:11

you are gorgeous! :)

By coffee_enima | 0

#1270183 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:13

you know, most couples watch porn in bed, not 90210.

justsayfuck | 5

#1270435 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:39

What about not watching anything on tv at all? And having only eyes for each other.
All these FML's make me feel too old fashioned, what happened to romance? :(

deafeningsilence | 8

#1270768 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:27

I totally agree with 23.

mitchie11 | 0

#1270953 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:54

23.. this entire website makes me feel old fashioned. Most of these fmls talk about sex with one's own bf/gf and it's just depressing to see how sex has lost its meaning to most of the world.