Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the...

By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 06:32 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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Intimacy

Delayed proposal

Everyone's an expert

Hello everyone!

By what the fuck - 25/8/2013 19:28 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

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By jack - 28/5/2019 12:00

Today, I asked my new girlfriend if she was feeling alright, since she is on her period for the first time since we started dating. I got an empty cereal bowl thrown at my head. Question asked and answered. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2014 12:16 - Australia

Today, we spent the day with my grandmother. During a family conversation,, my sweet little grandmother looked me up and down, and without any hesitation said, "I remember you being so beautiful," before looking at my mother, mouthing, "What happened?" and laughing. She's 87. FML

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By Oy Vay - 14/11/2016 06:09 - United States - Sparkill

Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML

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By Susan - 28/2/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2011 02:27 - United States

Today, for our last kid-free dinner before the birth of our 4th child, we chose a Japanese hibachi restaurant. They sat us with a family with a toddler, who started screaming at the first flame trick, causing the chef to cease to do anything entertaining. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML

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By Ugh - 2/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. I've just realized that I could have spent $30 on an Uber or Lyft to my parents' place to grab the other set of keys instead of calling a locksmith and paying $280 for him to drill a hole through my doorknob, rendering all my keys useless. FML

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By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 04:01 - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

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By "Audrey Harmon" - 20/4/2017 16:00

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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By badwolf - 4/9/2012 20:34 - United States

Today, I bought some bitter-apple spray to stop my puppy chewing on everything. Later, I found out how effective it was, when I tried to eat a sandwich, and gagged at the horrifying taste on my hands. My dog seems unaffected, and continues to chew the table legs. FML

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By Nikki - 3/8/2009 13:26 - United States

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

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By DamnDogs - 20/11/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, at work, my boss said something that I didn't catch. I went to take a leash off a dog, (I'm a groomer's assistant) and looked at my boss and said "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML

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By NAT - 3/1/2016 16:15 - United States - Gaffney

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

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By - 30/12/2019 09:00 - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

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By 1D-107 - 31/7/2012 17:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

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By str3tch - 3/4/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

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By thewrittenrebel - 28/10/2014 07:40 - South Africa - Bellville

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

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By but I tried anal and everything - 22/11/2012 16:13 - United States - Des Moines

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

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By Somessedup - 9/9/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my boss asked to use my phone since the company pays for it. A few hours later the same boss called me into his office to fire me. Apparently the company checks the phone records and found a call made on my cell to a sex line. My boss made that call and just fired me. FML

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By gp28 - 18/2/2010 20:08 - United States

Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML

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By cfaul001 - 29/2/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By played - 21/6/2011 05:07 - Norway

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

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By fmT719 - 18/12/2011 23:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

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By SexyPlayer9 - 24/7/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML

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By Stupid - 1/3/2019 04:00

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 14:36 - United States

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

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By mhm - 6/5/2012 02:21 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, on the bus, I caught the eye of this ugly, sweaty girl giving me a death stare through the driver's mirror. I gave her a death stare back. Only then I realized I was staring at myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 11:55 - United States - Louisville

Today, I saw my dad pick his teeth with a toothpick from a new box. He ate the food he got out of his teeth and put the toothpick back. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 15:58 - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By Username - 19/2/2011 07:57 - China

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

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By ballbreath - 16/7/2014 15:44 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

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By ashlee - 31/8/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

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Top comments

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270082 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

Move the TV back out of your room :).

By perdix | 29

#1270326 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:29

Yes, you did improve in bed -- you brought in the TV! I'm sure your gf is thrilled that you are open to the idea of getting electrical devices involved in your otherwise tedious sex life.

You are going to have to demote yourself from the role of boyfriend to being the pimp for a series of vibrators and a series of electro-hydraulic sex contraptions.

I can't wait to see you bitch-slap the Orgasmatron 6900 for not showing you da money.

COMMENTS

By HouseHunter | 2

#1270005 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

well uh OH GOD

Pastor_Rich | 0

#1270086 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

marry her and make an honest woman out of her

Viatus | 0

#1270197 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:13

Fuck religion

legonut4 | 0

#1270405 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:36

it's funny because she finds tv more exciting then sex with you

the sex was not nice and moist

allenrotstein | 0

#1270587 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:51

man, its all about her CLIT. Penetration alone won't cut... are you 15?

DearLar | 0

#1270834 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:36

Atleast you got laid.

remy3106 | 10

#1270854 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:40

26 u look like a perv haha

heynow00wellthen | 0

#1270929 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:49

26-well you sound like you've got lots of experience. ^,^ lol

susieKiute | 0

#1271041 - Thursday 19 August 2010 18:16

numero 26 is right

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1271186 - Thursday 19 August 2010 18:45

actually if you know how to use your cock you don't need to touch the clit, but 90% of guys can't 1. make a girl cum and 2. last more than 10 mins lol sucks to be you guys

dickster | 0

#1271282 - Thursday 19 August 2010 19:00

I hope you get AIDS and die alone OP.

TheAwesomeMarchi | 0

#1271543 - Thursday 19 August 2010 19:54

I agree dude......it's all about the CLIT

crazyazzkike | 0

#1272204 - Thursday 19 August 2010 21:11

there are so many kids on FML, I wouldn't even be surprised if he were under 15. you fail @ sex, OP. try getting a porn.

twinny_sc | 13

#1272634 - Thursday 19 August 2010 22:24

53 you are mistaken.

falluke17 | 0

#1272875 - Thursday 19 August 2010 23:51

alright everyone, 53 seems to be the pro here... even though he looks like a tard?

hugopz | 0

#1273295 - Friday 20 August 2010 1:48

LOL yes he does

hockeybuff | 0

#1273453 - Friday 20 August 2010 2:33

ya, I guess fat girls need lovin too!

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1273598 - Friday 20 August 2010 3:17

lol it's funny you leave a comment like that when you're too self conscious to upload a pic of yourselves. I bet both of you are fat slobs who can't get any lovin period.

MykeLytorus | 0

#1273698 - Friday 20 August 2010 3:50

just because someone doesn't upload a pic doesn't mean they're self concious about it, I've uploaded pics to the net but not FML. In your case you shouldn't have bothered. You look like an idiot and sound like one too. The ones that brag are the ones that really have no reason too. Nobody wants to hear you insult them as a group. You don't even know who you're adressing-- you're just trolling. Run along.

luv4xlr8ion | 0

#1274023 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:18

lol who asked you? didn't realize you were the voice of FML, I should have asked around, huh

toxic10uhc | 0

#1274038 - Friday 20 August 2010 5:22

fail.

rimouski | 0

#1274174 - Friday 20 August 2010 6:15

#80. you sound like a faggot...

ChesterJester11 | 0

#1274266 - Friday 20 August 2010 6:53

at least the tv can satisfy her

MightyGoober | 2

#1274664 - Friday 20 August 2010 9:19

#83 is the biggest win of them all

AceArctic | 4

#1824827 - Friday 10 December 2010 19:12

44 that fits in nicely here

By Domonator | 14

#1270014 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

Better get more practice!

mylyfzeffedup | 0

#1275218 - Friday 20 August 2010 13:37

more practice my ass! he deserves it for bein wack as shit.

n btw I <3 Domo!

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270082 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

Move the TV back out of your room :).

BehindTheSun | 2

#1270102 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:07

That's not a good idea, then he'd never get any.

BlueTwist89 | 0

#1270432 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:39

He said he recently moved the TV into the bedroom. So...he was having sex w/o a TV there. Maybe try # 8's suggestion.

By Shashaw_fml | 0

#1270090 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

LOL, time to turn off the TV and try something new together

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1270143 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

You must be extremely bad in bed if she has to watch tv to keep entertained Lol Watch some porn together and learn some new moves rookie

By Niick_fml | 0

#1270152 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:10

YDI for not improving in bed.

By jackieeoo | 0

#1270177 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:12

ydi for making her so bored in bed that shed watch tv

nascar1477 | 0

#1378264 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:11

you are gorgeous! :)

By coffee_enima | 0

#1270183 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:13

you know, most couples watch porn in bed, not 90210.

justsayfuck | 5

#1270435 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:39

What about not watching anything on tv at all? And having only eyes for each other.
All these FML's make me feel too old fashioned, what happened to romance? :(

deafeningsilence | 8

#1270768 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:27

I totally agree with 23.

mitchie11 | 0

#1270953 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:54

23.. this entire website makes me feel old fashioned. Most of these fmls talk about sex with one's own bf/gf and it's just depressing to see how sex has lost its meaning to most of the world.