Love: Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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40509

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Love

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 02:02

Hurry up!

Today, my wife told me not to rush her during packing for our upcoming move. She's lived in the house for 30 years and apparently needs to reminisce over every single item. FML

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661

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By BoBandy

Today, I finally went to the hospital for a week-long migraine. A few Saturdays ago I went to the park to play frisbee with my friends and coworkers. While climbing a fence, I fell and hit my head twice. Turns out I have a severe concussion and a swollen brain. FML

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2604

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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By fire - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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58339

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By fuuuudge - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51471

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By cameltoeyourface - United States

Today, I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. He's infatuated with them. He claims they make my ass look nice. I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34762

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By r1has - Pakistan - Rawalpindi

Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15504

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1186

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By ashleyevans - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19965

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By SoulStormIV - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my obese dog for a walk, since she hasn't had one in a long time. She was doing great, until we were about a mile from our house. She plopped down on the ground and wouldn't move. Nobody was home so I had to carry her all the way back to our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10789

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By Haitwun - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31059

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By Anonymous

No feeling - Just conversation

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3139

You deserved it

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By Shortcake - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, what started as my mom calling my grandma for a recipe turned into them discussing the philosophical reason behind my baking. I apparently picked up baking because I'm depressed over unemployment. And here I thought I just liked the smell of baked goods. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22078

You deserved it

2006

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49904

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By Wendizzle - United States

Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I'm sleeping under my desk tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31895

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By me - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

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31823

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By Anonymous - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30088

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By vikts - Luxembourg - Olm

Today, I discovered that as thanks for my successful efforts to increase my company's monthly revenue, my dumbass of a boss has been awarded a pay bonus. He's wasted no time telling everyone about the sports car he's planning to buy with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23184

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By loveless - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33531

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By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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27492

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 05:02

Gotta start somewhere

Today, I found out my parents paid my "best friend" to be my friend for the past 7 years. She's my only friend too. FML

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925

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

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28581

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By harrington61 - United States - Midland

Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

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51183

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By i stole your daughter's virginity anyways!!

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. I recognized him. He's the guy that broke into my car and stole my backpack two weeks ago. FML

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5873

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By are you kidding me

Today, I learned the venue owner and producer for the musical I'm in is under criminal investigation. What for? Three separate sexual assault incidents and putting cameras in our dressing rooms. FML

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5491

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294

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By easyontheeyes1 - 1/5/2020 02:00

Romantic afterglow

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Immediately after we'd finished, he said, "Get off, you're making it hard to breathe on top of me." FML

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1626

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By Randomm

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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1798

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

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28909

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By ninja breakup?

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

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3510

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By Golden~ - Canada

Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fund raisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML

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43211

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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20644

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

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39561

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By hoovered - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. FML

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58867

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By trying2breathe - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39230

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By AzrielB

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

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2606

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By lauramarie - Canada

Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

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27468

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By fml - United States

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

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68299

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By Kere - Sweden

Today, my phone decided to delete all my numbers. I posted on Facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like I should have their number. I didn't get a single reply. FML

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35711

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By Haze - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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881

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would tell my mom I'm not going to marry my fiancé because it just didn't feel right, only to walk into my own surprise engagement party. FML

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Top comments

By dahlia14 | 0

#766878 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:09

look on the bright side, if you guys were married and divorced it would have cost you a lot more than your wallet

By tyrob911 | 0

#766888 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

haha your gf is still in love with your wallet lol

COMMENTS

By dahlia14 | 0

#766878 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:09

look on the bright side, if you guys were married and divorced it would have cost you a lot more than your wallet

blland | 0

#766934 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:25

the time you will need to spend to get all your IDs back is priceless.

By iplaywow | 0

#766879 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:10

fucking bitch! run after her and punch her till she gives it back

By Az_Qtee | 0

#766884 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:10

why would she take your wallet? i agree your life sucks

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5893209 - Saturday 22 March 2014 20:14

because it has money in it...

Driving_Gaming | 22

#6456633 - Sunday 8 November 2015 11:50

topkek m80

By MDNL | 0

#766885 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:10

second. wow that's terrible. find the bitch and get it back!

By tyrob911 | 0

#766888 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

haha your gf is still in love with your wallet lol

By carpetlotion | 0

#766892 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

Don't punch her! Just steal her money(: hahha

By happyhak | 5

#766896 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:12

Congrats on being first, a prize is being sent to you as we speak, when you recieve it, please kindly shove it up your ass...As for the OP, your now ex-girlfriend is a bitch. She breaks up with you then steals your wallet? I say get it back, tell her parents or something. A great man once saidm, "Dont get upset, get even!"

Wolfwood187 | 0

#766924 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:22

I totally agree with this here... But telling her parents is too easy, I'd shoot for some property damage myself.

By x_HELLo_tHERE_x | 0

#766901 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:13

Geeze, you guys are harsh. You don't have to beat her up. If you really want it back, call the police or something.

By VanessaM474 | 0

#766905 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:14

That Sux hahaha!

By drano | 0

#766914 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:17

She's an amateur. It's all about slipping the money and cards out of the wallet and leaving it where you found it.