Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been...

By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 16:33 - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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Miscellaneous

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Who's a good boy?

Yappy neighborhood

By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/1/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

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By wittlegirl - 13/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD - 13/9/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

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By scotto - 23/2/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 18:33 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2013 18:21 - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - 18/4/2015 04:57 - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 06:26 - United States - New York

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me during a funeral. FML

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By fiftyno - 1/10/2012 15:02 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML

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By j. farmer-smith - 9/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

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By fme - 24/9/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I detest paying $12 for valet parking. I parked at Wal-Greens across the street in the only spot without a "patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 00:26 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, I held hands with a male mannequin in a department store, just to remember what holding hands felt like. FML

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By T-Shain - 31/5/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

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By S.Bunny - 22/1/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

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By sadguy - 18/2/2009 22:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

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By Mixta - 3/1/2015 04:45 - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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By alone - 6/2/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

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By Kybo5 - 8/2/2013 05:45 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, I had a ride along in an ambulance. Being observant, I thought it was funny that a patient had to vomit. That was until I realized they couldn't control where they had to vomit. I spent the rest of the ambulance ride holding a vomit bag in front of the woman's face. Not so funny anymore. FML

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By reesemaster - 23/11/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 05:01

Vicious and unprovoked

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

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By MynameisntToby - 10/12/2009 03:26 - United States

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella and help her across. When we get to the other side, she says "Thank you Toby," and then refuses to give back "her" umbrella to me, loudly enough for a nearby cop to hear. FML

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By f*ck - 2/5/2012 16:22 - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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By cydia123 - 10/5/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

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By sam - 26/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

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By Jim - 25/1/2011 08:27

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By aprouddaddy - 4/12/2014 23:46 - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

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By Unlucky - 9/10/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2012 10:07 - United States

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend offered to give me a piggyback ride from the house to the car as means of avoiding walking in mud. Both aware of how tall he is, he crouched extra low and I jumped extra hard. This makes for a terrible example of leapfrog, and a faceplant in the mud. FML

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By LonelyAF - 12/8/2017 13:00

Today, I was so lonely I called my stalker ex-boyfriend. He was too busy to talk. FML

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By Renée - 25/8/2018 03:30

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house till after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

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By Skier - 29/1/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

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By bummed - 15/4/2012 07:03 - United States - Cresson

Today, after years of waiting, I finally got to meet the band whose music got me through one of the hardest times I have ever experienced. When I turned down the lead singer for sex, they told me to leave. FML

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By UnderAcheiver - 26/8/2016 20:46 - United States - Cypress

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2010 15:27 - United States

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

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By cc - 24/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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Top comments

By Kayble89 | 13

#3230817 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:23

Sadly you were just that bad...

By babygirlc1 | 5

#3230825 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:23

Maybe you suck at volleyball.

COMMENTS

By Kayble89 | 13

#3230817 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:23

Sadly you were just that bad...

UMad_Bro | 3

#3230882 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:32

Dont worry. You're not alone. I bet plenty of other people didn't make it and they just said they did so they don't seem bad.

genesisnirvana | 11

#3230982 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:50

Maybe it was an accident that they--- fts they did it on purpose.FYL

woahbro2slow | 0

#3230992 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:52

haha. I'm sorry op, just keep practicing. and don't worry about rumorss:)

monkeys1315 | 0

#3231184 - Sunday 4 September 2011 1:38

You might still get a call.

cIickhere | 5

#3231412 - Sunday 4 September 2011 2:33

Don't worry they didn't call u cause they thought u know u made it for sure

crazychick1269 | 7

#3231525 - Sunday 4 September 2011 3:16

I'll help u!!!

ravensunnyd | 0

#3231563 - Sunday 4 September 2011 3:22

Well volleyball isn't for every one you do need some coordination so go out for tennis or softball or some other sport?

mnwv | 3

#3232113 - Sunday 4 September 2011 6:12

41: Shit I normally keep stay pretty quiet around this site but fucking hell did I just see someone say that if you don't jar coordination go play Tennis, fuck last time I checked there is no such thing as a professional "Volleyball Player" so please go take up a real sport before you insult mine.

xxBridgyxx | 0

#3232234 - Sunday 4 September 2011 7:11

Well you must of checked a long time ago because there is such a thing as a professional volleyball player. Misty May ring a bell?

By babygirlc1 | 5

#3230825 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:23

Maybe you suck at volleyball.

tylersign | 11

#3230916 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:38

Maybe OP was just top good for the team. Hahaha yeah.

slushpup9696 | 12

#3231485 - Sunday 4 September 2011 3:06

Maybe OP was bottom good.

cali_dude | 5

#3231789 - Sunday 4 September 2011 4:35

Sounds like the freshman team.

tylersign | 11

#3232072 - Sunday 4 September 2011 5:58

36- Hahaha xD damnyouautocorrect.

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3232086 - Sunday 4 September 2011 6:05

Might i suggest mini golf?

mnwv | 3

#3232119 - Sunday 4 September 2011 6:15

Remove keep* and have*

By spaerro | 8

#3230838 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:25

That sucks OP. Maybe it was a mistake?

TonyIsMyDog | 2

#3231099 - Sunday 4 September 2011 1:18

Spaerro - you are very attractive. What part of the world do you live in?

neoncupcakez | 0

#3231414 - Sunday 4 September 2011 2:34

Creeper alert @20

By Runninvegan | 8

#3230844 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:25

Its okay OP not everyone can handle sports. Thats what prostitutes are for. your there to fill the void

allenhouse3320 | 0

#3230899 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:35

I agree

docscientist | 9

#3232031 - Sunday 4 September 2011 5:40

Prostitutes? You realize sports are more than likely a dead end as a professional career for 99% of the people who play them, right?

daniel1991 | 0

#3239067 - Monday 5 September 2011 10:35

52- i bet you like star treak and world of warcraft? Idk. Wtf ok....and also ppl dont just play sports to make it to pros...maybe ur good and u just want a scholarship to a big collage...