Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front...

By Ovie - 25/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front of Love Island. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

DINOSAURS!!

Great boyfriend

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 13:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the family upstairs decided to play basketball. Indoors. At 3am. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2015 13:31 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML

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By pokeOww - 13/9/2019 22:00

Dash!

Today, my brother thought it'd be hilarious to tease a group of Pokémon players. They thought it'd be hilarious to beat both our asses. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By hinowdie - 1/12/2012 10:00 - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

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By Bogrbon - 21/4/2020 14:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up

Today, since we can’t go out due to the quarantine, my wife decided she wanted to shave my back with a razor. Two hours later, I have a sore back and I look like I'm wearing the front half of the worlds ugliest sweater vest. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML

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By failedmusician - 3/6/2009 10:06 - New Zealand

Today, my band went to play a set for the first time. I'm the drummer. All was going well, and then before our first song I threw the sticks in the air, went to catch them, and one hit me right in the eye. I couldn't continue playing. Now I have to wear an eyepatch. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 22:50 - France

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I beat her. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 04:05 - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 14:03

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

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By amidreaming?? - 11/6/2012 21:45 - United Kingdom - Bushey

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

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By beavis - 23/5/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, my brother and I were standing at the baggage claim, waiting for our luggage to come out. We were commenting on all the bags that appeared, and when two large hiking packs came out I exclaimed "What kind of cunts go backpacking in New York?" The old couple standing next to us, apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 10:00

Today, I pretended to have a heart attack so my baby sister would know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she drank my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By filipkm - 28/4/2016 22:04 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 23:00

Zedonging intensifies

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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By lovealways22 - 17/7/2012 07:19 - United States - Littleton

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

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By Sharibabi65 - 7/3/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

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By yova - 27/3/2016 08:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML

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By thats_not_good - 28/5/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

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By JJLight - 27/5/2013 03:14 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2016 06:16 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

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By well scrooge you too - 26/12/2015 04:24 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By llaurenmariee - 4/8/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

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By JJ - 21/3/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 18:05 - United States - Haslet

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

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By big_bail - 3/4/2015 23:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By Smart - 16/9/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

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By curtain buyer - 9/3/2015 01:05 - United States - Albany

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2018 15:00

Today, my boss yelled at me in front of several customers for gesturing too much while I talk, because it's "unprofessional". I was using sign language. FML

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By Unfortunate - 8/10/2012 00:24 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

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By Keaton - 15/6/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

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By zks - 24/3/2011 08:53

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By tara - 18/12/2015 17:49 - Switzerland - Zug

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

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By Tim - 7/8/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

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Top comments

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7825016 - Friday 26 July 2019 1:19

uk or US version?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7825658 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:39

He said "knob", and that's a Brit thing. I want to know why he was jacking it to trash reality TV, and who caught him.

Comments

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7825016 - Friday 26 July 2019 1:19

uk or US version?

Alan | 50

#7825122 - Friday 26 July 2019 7:09

The username is Ovie, so I'm guessing the UK version (not sure I can check the IP address!).

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7825658 - Saturday 27 July 2019 2:39

He said "knob", and that's a Brit thing. I want to know why he was jacking it to trash reality TV, and who caught him.

Late For Breakfast | 19

#7826485 - Monday 29 July 2019 5:01

Here it's a Bikini shop...

By samomaha | 16

#7826002 - Saturday 27 July 2019 17:40

That's not so much an FML as it an FMySelf!