Kids: Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went...

By jcesom - 01/08/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 838

You deserved it 6 080

Kids

Best teeth in the game

Mama's boy

Kids will be kids

By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 741

You deserved it 7 220

By danny5191 - 17/03/2012 02:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a nasty cough, but I went to college anyway. When I walked into class, I could practically smell menstrual blood in the air. After a few coughs, our instructor gave me an "Oh, shut up!" After half an hour, she kicked me out for not "taking the class seriously". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 902

You deserved it 8 626

By evanescence - 15/03/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for spring break. She said she would be in the same city I would and I couldnt help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 247

You deserved it 9 829

By bearprint - 06/07/2016 18:45

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 238

You deserved it 1 371

Open-minded

By plaid_is_cool - 05/05/2020 05:00

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 438

You deserved it 208

By JessThompson - 05/12/2012 16:50 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 906

You deserved it 4 335

By MoneyMike - 12/03/2009 00:30 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 951

You deserved it 11 862

By ajnmegs - 19/04/2012 16:08 - United States - Aurora

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 088

You deserved it 5 860

By not_this_shit_again - 09/04/2014 12:37 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 920

You deserved it 3 582

By chickenshit4 - 15/05/2016 00:57 - United States - Pine Ridge

Today, my 43 year old mother came home covered in hickeys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 150

You deserved it 3 042

By Missedtheboat - 30/10/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 651

You deserved it 32 538

By ST3PH - 09/07/2009 19:17 - Canada

Today, my boss requested that I re-organize every file in the office, because she wanted the filing cabinets alphabetized right to left, not left to right. To thank me, she came into my office to give me one uncooked ear of corn. I think my boss has mistaken me for some kind of farm animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 517

You deserved it 3 674

By daddy-to-be - 20/03/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, as I was getting my mail, I received a free coupon from a baby supply store saying "congratulations on your expectancy." Thinking it was a mistake, I showed my girlfriend, who I am living with. All she had to say was "Surprise!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 960

You deserved it 17 267

By horny and alone - 04/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went home with my cute coworker. What started out as a little dirty talk and teasing ended with him admitting he was in a terrible emotional place and sending me home in an Uber so he could sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 653

You deserved it 380

By monsterinlaw - 21/01/2014 06:25 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 511

You deserved it 4 129

By ksztte - 27/02/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, the soon-to-be father of my baby told me he thinks I'm an extremly selfish person, and that I do not love him. His reasoning? I haven't given him a backrub in 2 weeks, sleep too much and have a hormonal problem. Once again, I AM PREGNANT! FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 000

You deserved it 5 850

By fleur_de_fevrier - 21/12/2008 15:36 - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 113

You deserved it 24 068

By Anonymous - 23/07/2014 20:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 025

You deserved it 13 928

Whack-a-Mole

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 02:01

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 430

You deserved it 262

By imma ture - 10/08/2015 17:04

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 866

You deserved it 6 051

By ummno - 28/04/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 418

You deserved it 13 508

By Anonymous - 02/07/2012 05:47 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 415

You deserved it 3 141

By nightfall8705 - 17/08/2017 19:30 - United States - Walhalla

Today, I had to make my boss believe that I was late to work because my sick dog shit all over my bedsheets and I had to clean up the mess before work. The truth is, I don't have a dog, and I wrongly trusted a long fart this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 296

You deserved it 1 116

By Ouch - 21/06/2013 03:06 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I tried to wipe some sweat off my brow before it could make its way down into my eye. I ended up poking myself in the eye so hard that I yelped, stumbled and was thrown off the still-moving treadmill while trying to regain my balance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 386

You deserved it 7 225

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 22:00 - Canada

Today, I went to my Calculus lecture, one of a class of 200 people. As I looked down I noticed that a guy a few rows in front of me was on Facebook. When I took a closer look, I noticed he was viewing my profile. He stalked the profile for a full 45 minutes. I have never met this guy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 254

You deserved it 5 441

Flip-flopping

By Brandenn J Moore - 11/07/2021 04:01

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been living with for the last month, told me she's not attracted to me and wants to see other people. She told me this after months of dating and telling me she was thinking about having a child with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 75

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 21:05 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 103

You deserved it 4 228

By skrewedguy - 08/12/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 606

You deserved it 6 603

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 025

You deserved it 2 143

Stuck on amber

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 16:58

Today, I'm living with my now ex-girlfriend of 9 years in the house we bought together. What's worse than that is the fact that 2 weeks before she told me she was unhappy and ended it, I had bought an engagement ring. I didn't get the chance to ask, and had to return the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 185

By MobPerfect - 11/05/2012 13:24 - United States - Providence

Today, I made my friends and family laugh by trying to put on costume glasses with a giant super-sized nose attached to them. They laughed hysterically. Not because of the gigantic nose, but because my real nose was radically bigger and the fake one wouldn't fit over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 364

You deserved it 3 523

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 931

You deserved it 40 396

By Mcwifi - 21/04/2016 17:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 806

You deserved it 1 431

By ValeyFallsAlot - 14/01/2011 14:18

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 829

You deserved it 2 982

By armybrat - 10/07/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 486

You deserved it 59 781

Lesson learned

By katharine - 15/03/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I was daydreaming in bed when my phone rang from across the room. I scrambled out of my covers, tripped over a pair of boots I had by the bed, and slipped on some jeans laying on the floor. Luckily, I answered my phone in time, but only to have my mom tell me to clean my room before she got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 038

You deserved it 30 583

By Alexandra - 20/09/2011 08:25 - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 495

You deserved it 8 934

By 751920 - 03/02/2009 08:49 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 033

You deserved it 3 309

By Anonymous - 01/05/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 827

You deserved it 13 642

Perfect contraceptive

By slapstick1982 - 22/11/2019 01:00

Today, I realized that my wife is on her 3rd month using an IUD. The side effect is nonstop bleeding. I haven't had sex with her since she got it. I'd say this contraceptive is working perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 041

You deserved it 264

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Top comments

soiree_fml 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:03

Don't you just love helpful parents? Good luck getting that habit broken, or at least modified.

lone_wanderer 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:13

I hate little kids -.-

soiree_fml 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:03

Don't you just love helpful parents? Good luck getting that habit broken, or at least modified.

iKaite 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:40

I think these parents are awesome, I would love my parents to have taught me things like that! :D

no1askdu 5

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:49

me too..wats better then peeing on plants, its the natural way

beardo8 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 13:23

YDI FOR HAVING KIDS

iFRUiTTART 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:08

lol . . . teach him to tell the difference between peeing behind a tree and in a public place :p . But otherwise , a great story for when he's older . lol.

boone_fml 0

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Monday 3 August 2009 17:19

Yeah. Your dad rules. It's very important to know about peeing on trees. Also, he's a kid. It's a good thing he's taking advantage of almost no consequences and peeing in malls.

alexgisforme3 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:12

hahahahaaa thats funny plu 3 :D

lone_wanderer 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:13

I hate little kids -.-

realggirl 0

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Sunday 2 August 2009 14:53

Wow, ageist much?

iJasper 8

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 6:11

You were a kid once, so you hate yourself?

EmiEvelyn 12

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Thursday 28 April 2016 19:54

He's not a kid now, is he? I think you also hate yourself for the dumb shit you did in your childhood unless you're one of those remorseless narcissists.

Pastor_Rich 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:19

children are so precious

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:24

Just wait till your father teaches him how to pick up women. (;

jessicathatsme 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 21:07

ahaha that's going to be funny :)

FPsLife 5

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Saturday 1 August 2009 12:35

Urge to make a joke about West Virginia hicks... rising...

Jay9313 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 16:20

Not everyone that lives in West Virginia is a "hick". The only reason that stereotype is there is because some idiotic reporter paid the Hatfield's and McCoy's some money to dress like they were poor when they were having a family feud during the early 1900's and those pictures got posted to the New York Times paper. That's where the stereotype comes from, and is not true to the whole state.

Ox_Baker 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 21:38

You don't HAVE to be an inbred hick to live in West Virginia, but it helps.

icertainlysuck 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 23:09

yes you do.

inkedgeek 0

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Monday 3 August 2009 21:48

Wow did you read that on the internets?

GimmeFive 10

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Friday 30 March 2012 2:23

Very educated. I respect that.

REDCRAYON 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 13:29

WTF punish ur dad xD

Paige_Nicole10 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 13:30

thats just too funny! oh and hes a kid.. lighten up.. his pawpaw was just doing what pawpaws are best at

BikerMike 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 13:42

Why are crimes hard to solve in west virginia? the DNA is almost the same. maybe he was taught to use the tree because the outhouse was occupied?

lessthanbee 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 16:50

#13 FTW.

xxXChiiXxx 2

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Saturday 1 August 2009 18:09

That's right. Their family trees don't have any branches. ;)

Paige_Nicole10 0

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Sunday 2 August 2009 5:17

all you people making "inbred" jokes, go fuck yourselves!! we do things better in the south and the rest of the country can go jump off a bridge

Redneck325Ci 0

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Sunday 2 August 2009 9:38

You sir, fail. Before attempting to insult, try to actually use proper capitalization. You've made an improper sentence structure. Therefore making you a dumb ass.

Ethoboy 0

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Sunday 2 August 2009 10:33

Can we just talk about this for a second? I do believe (and I may be incorrect, but I think otherwise) that for your comment to be grammatically correct it would have to read something like this: "You, sir, fail. Before attempting to insult, try to actually use proper capitalization. You've made an improper sentence structure, which makes you a dumb ass." Practice what you PREACH PREACH PREACH.

Emma_91 0

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Sunday 2 August 2009 16:38

#39 So you're whining about your people making bad jokes about your home state, in the exact same post that you insult the North? No I don't agree with stereotypes, but seriously chill.