Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels...

By SuddenlyDogless - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

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Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Out of it

By Festivaler - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

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By pianoblues - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

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By BadDay - Australia - Beerwah

Today, being a little stressed, I managed to lock my keys inside my car. I was taking this fairly calmly until, while waiting for roadside assistance, I overheard another woman in the same carpark say, "No, of course I didn't lock my keys in the car! I'm not a COMPLETE idiot." FML

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By Uneducated

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By p - Canada - Markham

Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

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By lonely

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

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By NewFiancee - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

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By PseudoHappiness - United States

Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML

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By idk.man® - 1/1/2021 22:54

Thanks, dad

Today, I got yelled at by my dad again for being inside so much instead of outside doing stuff. We are still in a lockdown and are not allowed to leave the house unless its for work or to go to the store. FML

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By professorsdaughter - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

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By nick92 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I saw a naked man for the first time in my life. It was the nude model in my art class. I was forced to draw wrinkles and fat rolls in places I didn't even know existed. FML

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By Nick - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

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By ebe

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

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By torchy - United States

Today, I treated myself to a spa day at home. First, I decided to do a hot oil treatment on my hair. I was leaning over the saucepan of oil on the stove when it flared up in my face. On the bright side, I no longer have to worry about plucking my eyebrows. FML

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By gamer tag ID not recognised

Today, my husband is adamant he is not a cheater because "it only counts as cheating if you have sex with other women for free" so apparently 20-year-old male prostitutes don't count because they're not women and they cost money. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

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By 5minsolder - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

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By Grindyloo

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

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By Mamasboyhater - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

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By Tallow101 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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By nurse - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

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By sneaky1324 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

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By Poopyhead - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, I was woken up and kicked out of my friend's party at 3:00 in the morning. This wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't stolen my shoes. I had to walk for an hour in the rain, in my socks. FML

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML

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By lalala - Philippines

Today, my best friend told me I lost weight. I was happy because I've worked hard to shed off those pounds. I asked her what changes were evident, she told me that I now have a neck. FML

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By JONNO

Today, I got fired from my position as a financial investor for giving a client the exact investment he asked for, even though the investment was out of my mandate, and I had gone to my direct manager to authorize the investment. My manager was promoted. FML

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Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

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By just hangin

Today, as I was pulling wire for an addition to my boss's house, I was on a ladder drilling a hole when my coworker kicked the ladder out from under me and left me hanging from a rafter twenty feet in the air. To make matters worse, I had to pee. I'm now in my car with dead arms and wet pants. FML

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By dangerZone - United States - Statesboro

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

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By DezyCoCo - United States - Penfield

Today, I spent 2 hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for 10 seconds to come back to my 2-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML

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Top comments

By ohkitty | 21

#7414858 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 20:08

the title says suddenly dogless.. you didn't get rid of the dog did you?

By MissEris | 27

#7413919 - Tuesday 21 February 2017 6:38

I think you're an FML past my dear

COMMENTS

By billiejoetho | 0

#7413901 - Tuesday 21 February 2017 4:50

20 month old? So ugly. Your kid is almost 2 not 20 months old.

MissEris | 27

#7413919 - Tuesday 21 February 2017 6:38

I think you're an FML past my dear

ScratchCatPower | 32

#7414871 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 20:32

You just confused the heck out of me

By ohkitty | 21

#7414858 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 20:08

the title says suddenly dogless.. you didn't get rid of the dog did you?

HappyItalian | 38

#7414898 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 21:21

I really hope he didn't or else that would be awful

gichikku | 14

#7414997 - Thursday 23 February 2017 0:18

I hope the name is a joke about having killed it and not actually having killed or gotten rid of it for this.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#7414860 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 20:09

I understand the feeling, OP. I have four dogs myself.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7414869 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 20:26

And definitely no more lovemaking on it, either (EE-ther.)

never_three | 21

#7415033 - Thursday 23 February 2017 1:37

Nobody cares how you pronounce it, bub

By Sparkieemae | 14

#7414899 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 21:22

The name on this makes me sad. Getting rid of your dog for getting sick once. :/

LyricaSilvan | 29

#7415111 - Thursday 23 February 2017 6:41

You do realize the username is more than likely a joke, right? I highly doubt most people would be that irrational.

By moondoglou420 | 17

#7414946 - Wednesday 22 February 2017 22:40

It would have been common sense to leash the dog outside put them into a tiled room if they're having diarrhea. You're lucky that's all that happened.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7414987 - Thursday 23 February 2017 0:09

Free love seat must be picked up ASAP!!!!!

By cheshireau | 26

#7415076 - Thursday 23 February 2017 4:32

You didn't put him outside when you went to clean?

By Talis99 | 26

#7415079 - Thursday 23 February 2017 5:00

Your dog has diarrhea and you didn't think to put it outside, crate it, or something? The dog's not going to understand or be able to control itself. You kind of deserve that.

By Eldslibo | 20

#7415264 - Thursday 23 February 2017 14:52

And that's why you always put the animal in timeout before you start cleaning