Love: Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind...

By Anonymous - 14/06/2013 00:30 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 071

You deserved it 7 040

Love

The smell detective is on the case

Broken heart

This Charming Man

Forever alone

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 17:01

Today, I found myself being jealous of the relationship between Ethan Klein and Trisha Paytas on Frenemies. I need a life. I need real friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 518

Apron strings

By heatherjo - 02/11/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 399

You deserved it 3 916

By wastedlove - 23/06/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 000

You deserved it 73 680

By grossesfesses - 15/05/2013 06:58 - France - Compi?gne

Today, in the doctor's waiting room, a little boy asked me for a cookie. I told him that I didn't have any. He replied, "But my mom says that ladies with big butts always have cookies in their handbags." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 799

You deserved it 6 403

By toobad - 02/06/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to a bar with some buddies, and after trying to pick up a few girls, one of my friends got a number. When I heard the number I said 'Sorry man, that's definitely the rejection hotline number'. So many girls have given me that number, I memorized it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 867

You deserved it 6 711

By MissAnonymous93 - 14/05/2016 15:32 - South Africa

Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 267

You deserved it 743

Relatable

By ariana - 08/03/2021 21:30

Today, after a full year of absolutely zero social interaction, I realized that I don’t miss it. At all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 181

By Janice - 07/11/2011 05:12 - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 403

You deserved it 7 911

By AVeryConfusedGuy - 11/05/2017 22:00

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 656

You deserved it 588

It's a sign...

By Ohfknhell - 16/05/2018 05:00

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 572

You deserved it 740

By Anonymous - 26/06/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 432

You deserved it 1 997

By failure - 29/07/2011 06:19 - United States

Today, I went to a jeweler's to buy a ring to propose to my girlfriend. When I was at the restaurant, in mid-proposal, with people watching, I realized I had left the ring in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 823

You deserved it 15 762

By lalibear - 03/05/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 198

You deserved it 7 254

By snoooore - 31/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 116

By anonymous - 07/03/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 845

You deserved it 2 733

By maddie - 27/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 803

You deserved it 4 946

I'm totally wired, can't you see?

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 20:00

Today, because of my new job, I'm so tired I can’t think straight anymore. Long hours to make a sterling first impression? Nope. I haven’t even started working yet, I’m just exhausted because it all stresses me to the point I can’t sleep at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 223

By Anonymous - 18/05/2019 02:33

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 244

Racing rats

By Anonymous - 04/10/2019 20:00

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 114

By suzanneallen - 11/09/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in his car when things got hot and heavy and we decided to climb in the back. After we finished we started to put our clothes back just as a someone's brights flooded into the car. It was a cop, and he had been there the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 099

You deserved it 40 858

By Anonymous - 04/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 753

You deserved it 2 698

By heallven - 31/01/2013 12:26 - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 521

You deserved it 11 424

By Baby eater - 20/05/2014 00:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 388

You deserved it 5 809

Honk if you Love Me!

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 16:01 - Switzerland

Today, I'm so lonely that I get happy when I get attention from car drivers when they honk at me for driving too slowly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 210

By gimpy - 23/06/2016 15:00 - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 154

You deserved it 1 216

By Anonymous - 25/02/2015 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 537

You deserved it 2 844

By scared shitless - 10/12/2013 09:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 249

You deserved it 3 817

By disturbedtosaytheleast - 27/01/2012 11:19 - Canada

Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 941

You deserved it 2 658

By donotbelieveinsecondchances - 02/03/2015 14:04 - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, my ex gave me a heartwarming speech about how much he wanted me back. After talking for hours and me finally wanting to get back together too, he started mentioning a date he has with a cute colleague. Conclusion: he wants to get back together, but still be able to fuck the entire world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 885

You deserved it 4 411

By Enni - 27/08/2016 08:47

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 605

You deserved it 1 512

By JillianJuneBug - 25/07/2018 19:00

Today, the bad haircut I got recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look like He-Man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 865

You deserved it 343

By FianceFlaw? - 25/11/2018 14:00

Today, I went to the courthouse to apply for my marriage license and had my mother tag along with me. When I asked one of five security guards where to go, my mom looked at him and said,"You’re suppose to talk her out of it." Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 817

You deserved it 255

Pokéman gone

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 08:01

Today, I thought a cute and well-dressed guy, with a mask matching his shoes, was taking a picture of me. Flattered, I approached him. Turns out, he was playing Pokémon Go and was just trying to catch a “Geodude.” He also blurted out that he was gay. He's into dudes and Geodudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 519

By anonymous - 15/08/2016 03:35 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I received a birthday card from my dad, over a week late. It was addressed to me using my maiden name, the enclosed check also made out to me using my maiden name. I've been married for over 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 147

You deserved it 1 544

By Anonymous - 18/06/2015 12:36 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 457

You deserved it 3 467

Squirt

By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 354

You deserved it 2 968

By screwed - 04/11/2012 09:55 - United States

Today, my hubby and I decided to spice up our sex life and went to an adult toy store. We know too many people in our town, so we drove to one that was 30 mins away. We decided on our items, and went to the check out. Who would have guessed my next door neighbor works there as a cashier? FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 587

You deserved it 5 420

By damn-it - 22/02/2009 06:41 - Australia

Today, my Grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. It was apparently written by someone historically famous. She was going on about how important it was, in such good condition too, worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilt all over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 900

You deserved it 48 107

By Anonymous - 04/01/2015 10:27 - Australia - Doncaster

Today, my vegetarian girlfriend put some ghost pepper hot sauce on my steak to teach me a "lesson" about eating meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 041

You deserved it 5 673

By Anna - 18/06/2011 16:54 - Estonia

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 965

You deserved it 4 508

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Top comments

HKCgrimmjow 15

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

lachy15 15

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

HKCgrimmjow 15

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

TeamKelly 10

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:19

Irony always seems to find a way.

friedpwnadge 25

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

He should have seen it from the boyfriend's point of view.

DefiningDivine 13

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

•

gotaplanstan 28

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Friday 14 June 2013 12:39

I wonder if his name is Matt Murdock.

Wizardo 33

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Friday 14 June 2013 14:11

Remember that love is blind, seems like comment decency is too....

hugozac88 22

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Friday 14 June 2013 16:30

I bet he didn't see that coming

jujubeef 10

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Friday 14 June 2013 18:53

extremely punny dude!

Remington1619 3

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Saturday 15 June 2013 6:49

That is blinding ironic!

kriz_allizwell 6

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Saturday 15 June 2013 12:30

Looks like you can't see eye to eye with your dad on that one ....

raheelyo 5

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I think you should visually impair your dad.

thebaddayblues 3

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Friday 14 June 2013 15:57

Your mom is visually impaired after last night.

MilkyFilmz 26

Saturday 15 June 2013 0:47

Next time remember to get the mouth not the eyes

Neilish 15

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Saturday 15 June 2013 10:38

I think the second comment is funnier than the first. Public opinion seems to differ. Maybe I'm weird

justinemalang1 14

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:11

What the fuck? Why would you even say that?

lachy15 15

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

whiplash2289 19

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Probably because he couldn't see a way out of that situation.

unixdude 9

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Friday 14 June 2013 21:09

Comedy Gold right there folks. If you didn't chuckle a bit, you are probably dead.

Crometer 23

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

I don't blame your dad for laughing, but at the same time he shouldn't have been so rude.

DefiningDivine 13

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

How did you not see this coming?

Verst 16

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Friday 14 June 2013 22:25

You look familiar.

MilkyFilmz 26

Saturday 15 June 2013 0:49

She did just not her boyfriend

MY_FML_MOMENTS 6

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:16

that's fucked up !

scarface90 8

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:17

Sounds like something Peter Griffin would do with Meg in one of those flashbacks

missdodd 6

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Friday 14 June 2013 18:21

bahaha!

SirTalkaton 22

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

You're dad sounds like a peach. At least he didn't make a blind person joke.

tiernang 21

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Friday 14 June 2013 12:48

A peach? I've never heard that used like that before...

CharresBarkrey 15

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Friday 14 June 2013 13:06

Because he bruises easily? I don't get it.

BlowinChronic 18

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Friday 14 June 2013 13:43

Ugh i can't stand people that are peaches. They're such assholes.

whatsurexcuse 2

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Friday 14 June 2013 11:27

He should just check out himself

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 170

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 744

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