Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Understanding

Where are you?

By Googleit - Canada

Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML

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By swollenpenis - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stayed away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling "DNA! DNA!" FML

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By XLhottie - United States

Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML

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By pot, meet kettle - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I was chatting online with a guy I really like, when he used the word "irregardless." I couldn't help but mention how little sense it makes, since it's a combination of two words meaning roughly the same thing. He replied, "lol what? your stupid." Jesus Christ. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

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By tingleballs - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By drooooooool - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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By rainperson - France - Paris

Today, and as always, I recycle my trash at work: paper in the yellow trashcan, the rest in the black one. This morning, I saw a cleaning lady empty the contents of the black trashcan into the yellow one, put the whole lot into a big plastic bag and then leave as if this was normal. FML

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By Were do we go... - United States

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

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By nothesisforme - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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By sadSarah - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

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By smurftastic - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

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By Andy

Today, while jetlagged and going through customs in Singapore, I grabbed what I thought was a pen to fill out the form. I heard it squeak as I lifted it up. It was a straw in the custom agent's drink. The resulting noise he made lasted 10+ seconds. FML

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By atleasthelocalsarenice

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

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By Stank

Today, my husband is going on his 5th consecutive day without a shower. He’s been working 16-hour shifts, and though I'm empathetic to his exhaustion, his foul body odor has overtaken the bedroom and his excretions have discolored his side of the bed. I fear the worst. FML

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By Sal - United States

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

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By thedogwalker - 9/8/2020 08:02

Mistaken identity

Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

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By CP19JK12KH - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By deathstar3548 - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my soon to be ex-wife told her friends that we're getting a divorce because I'm physically abusive. I guess that sounded better than the truth: that she waited 8 months into her pregnancy to tell me that the child probably isn't even mine. FML

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By goodbyepromotion - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won a local arm-wrestling tournament. Too bad I have to use the prize money to repair the tendon I tore in the competition. FML

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By baldintheback - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

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By mustanggt - United States - Utica

Scandalous!

Today, I got marked down in a performance review for not being able to keep my relationship with a coworker a permanent secret. I think if her engagement ring hadn't given it away, eventually the baby bump would've. FML

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By Discipl - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

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By DangerousDriver

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

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By - 26/2/2020 01:00

Nothing

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

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By byegeorge - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

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By Ella - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

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By tiredofbullshit - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By Tweety - United States

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

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By Big Baby

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

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By springbreak09 - Mexico

Today, I left for vacation in Mexico. Upon landing, I received a text message from the guy I've been seeing. It read, "Sorry, I'm not boyfriend material. Have a good trip." I paid 75 cents to get dumped, internationally. FML

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Top comments

By HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5534443 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

By lachy15 | 15

#5534445 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

COMMENTS

By HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5534443 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

TeamKelly | 10

#5534452 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:19

Irony always seems to find a way.

friedpwnadge | 25

#5534455 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

He should have seen it from the boyfriend's point of view.

DefiningDivine | 13

#5534456 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

•

gotaplanstan | 28

#5534528 - Friday 14 June 2013 12:39

I wonder if his name is Matt Murdock.

Wizardo | 33

#5534610 - Friday 14 June 2013 14:11

Remember that love is blind, seems like comment decency is too....

hugozac88 | 22

#5534735 - Friday 14 June 2013 16:30

I bet he didn't see that coming

jujubeef | 10

#5534887 - Friday 14 June 2013 18:53

extremely punny dude!

Remington1619 | 3

#5535592 - Saturday 15 June 2013 6:49

That is blinding ironic!

kriz_allizwell | 6

#5535825 - Saturday 15 June 2013 12:30

Looks like you can't see eye to eye with your dad on that one ....

By raheelyo | 5

#5534444 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I think you should visually impair your dad.

thebaddayblues | 3

#5534691 - Friday 14 June 2013 15:57

Your mom is visually impaired after last night.

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5535191 - Saturday 15 June 2013 0:47

Next time remember to get the mouth not the eyes

Neilish | 15

#5535750 - Saturday 15 June 2013 10:38

I think the second comment is funnier than the first. Public opinion seems to differ. Maybe I'm weird

justinemalang1 | 14

#6102597 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:11

What the fuck? Why would you even say that?

By lachy15 | 15

#5534445 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

By whiplash2289 | 19

#5534446 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Probably because he couldn't see a way out of that situation.

unixdude | 9

#5535028 - Friday 14 June 2013 21:09

Comedy Gold right there folks. If you didn't chuckle a bit, you are probably dead.

By Crometer | 23

#5534448 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

I don't blame your dad for laughing, but at the same time he shouldn't have been so rude.

By DefiningDivine | 13

#5534449 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

How did you not see this coming?

Verst | 16

#5535110 - Friday 14 June 2013 22:25

You look familiar.

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5535192 - Saturday 15 June 2013 0:49

She did just not her boyfriend

By MY_FML_MOMENTS | 6

#5534450 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:16

that's fucked up !

By scarface90 | 8

#5534451 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:17

Sounds like something Peter Griffin would do with Meg in one of those flashbacks

missdodd | 6

#5534846 - Friday 14 June 2013 18:21

bahaha!

By SirTalkaton | 22

#5534454 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

You're dad sounds like a peach. At least he didn't make a blind person joke.

tiernang | 21

#5534537 - Friday 14 June 2013 12:48

A peach? I've never heard that used like that before...

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5534557 - Friday 14 June 2013 13:06

Because he bruises easily? I don't get it.

BlowinChronic | 18

#5534591 - Friday 14 June 2013 13:43

Ugh i can't stand people that are peaches. They're such assholes.

By whatsurexcuse | 2

#5534460 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:27

He should just check out himself