Love: Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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Love

BO Central

Mix and match

The virus claims another victim

By fun in functioning, I suppose - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

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By AnnaNick - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By beanpole - Canada - Canning

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

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By tickyette - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

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By Parusu - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

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By FMLer - United States

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

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By fuck your music - United States - Hesperia

Doo doo doodoodoo doo doo

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By stormblade27

Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:01

Disappointed

Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

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By GeofftyGeoff

Today, my former boss, a landlord, came through on his "parting gift" to me. I thought he was joking when he said he'd send a deranged tenant of ours cross-country by bus to stay with me for a week. It wasn't a joke. Send help. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By flymetothemoon

Mother knows best...

Today, I finally figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Too bad my tattoos will prevent me from ever getting hired. Guess you were right, Mom. FML

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By goldie09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

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By Nikki - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

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By Till We Pass Out - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Goodyear

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

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By highfive - United States - Dedham

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

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By Mac - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

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By Help

Today, it's the 11th day of my migraine. I've drunk enough water to piss crystal clear, eaten every type of food there is, slept for days, and tried every remedy in my medicine cabinet. Nothing made a dent in the splitting pain. FML

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By brokeandcardless - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

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By Out Ran - United States

Today, while running, I sped up to show off for a cute female runner I'd seen before up ahead. I passed her and not more than a minute later she sprints past me. I couldn't catch up. She not only out ran me, but waited to tell me it was a 'nice try'. FML

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By fatteningmeup - United States

Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML

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By ShittyProposal - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

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By ashamed - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 10:57

You BARBARIAN!

Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Great date, thanks!

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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By Casey - 18/3/2021 11:01

I'm not a monster, I'm a human being

Today, on vacation my wife asked if I wanted her to take my picture. I realized it was the first time in our 10 years she had asked me that question. Moments later I realized it's the first time in my life that anyone's ever asked me that. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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By callie - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By lonelyengineer - Germany

Today, I sat in the cafeteria at work and saw a girl, which is a rare sight at my workplace, from the back with a beautifully long ponytail. After a full hour of building up courage to perhaps say hi to her, she turned around. It was a 50-year-old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cortlandt Manor

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

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By blabla - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

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By jedd90 - United States

Today, I overdraw my account, and I ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is supposed to help me keep track of my money. FML

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Top comments

By HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5534443 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

By lachy15 | 15

#5534445 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

COMMENTS

By HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5534443 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

TeamKelly | 10

#5534452 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:19

Irony always seems to find a way.

friedpwnadge | 25

#5534455 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

He should have seen it from the boyfriend's point of view.

DefiningDivine | 13

#5534456 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

•

gotaplanstan | 28

#5534528 - Friday 14 June 2013 12:39

I wonder if his name is Matt Murdock.

Wizardo | 33

#5534610 - Friday 14 June 2013 14:11

Remember that love is blind, seems like comment decency is too....

hugozac88 | 22

#5534735 - Friday 14 June 2013 16:30

I bet he didn't see that coming

jujubeef | 10

#5534887 - Friday 14 June 2013 18:53

extremely punny dude!

Remington1619 | 3

#5535592 - Saturday 15 June 2013 6:49

That is blinding ironic!

kriz_allizwell | 6

#5535825 - Saturday 15 June 2013 12:30

Looks like you can't see eye to eye with your dad on that one ....

By raheelyo | 5

#5534444 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I think you should visually impair your dad.

thebaddayblues | 3

#5534691 - Friday 14 June 2013 15:57

Your mom is visually impaired after last night.

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5535191 - Saturday 15 June 2013 0:47

Next time remember to get the mouth not the eyes

Neilish | 15

#5535750 - Saturday 15 June 2013 10:38

I think the second comment is funnier than the first. Public opinion seems to differ. Maybe I'm weird

justinemalang1 | 14

#6102597 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:11

What the fuck? Why would you even say that?

By lachy15 | 15

#5534445 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

By whiplash2289 | 19

#5534446 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Probably because he couldn't see a way out of that situation.

unixdude | 9

#5535028 - Friday 14 June 2013 21:09

Comedy Gold right there folks. If you didn't chuckle a bit, you are probably dead.

By Crometer | 23

#5534448 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

I don't blame your dad for laughing, but at the same time he shouldn't have been so rude.

By DefiningDivine | 13

#5534449 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

How did you not see this coming?

Verst | 16

#5535110 - Friday 14 June 2013 22:25

You look familiar.

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5535192 - Saturday 15 June 2013 0:49

She did just not her boyfriend

By MY_FML_MOMENTS | 6

#5534450 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:16

that's fucked up !

By scarface90 | 8

#5534451 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:17

Sounds like something Peter Griffin would do with Meg in one of those flashbacks

missdodd | 6

#5534846 - Friday 14 June 2013 18:21

bahaha!

By SirTalkaton | 22

#5534454 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

You're dad sounds like a peach. At least he didn't make a blind person joke.

tiernang | 21

#5534537 - Friday 14 June 2013 12:48

A peach? I've never heard that used like that before...

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5534557 - Friday 14 June 2013 13:06

Because he bruises easily? I don't get it.

BlowinChronic | 18

#5534591 - Friday 14 June 2013 13:43

Ugh i can't stand people that are peaches. They're such assholes.

By whatsurexcuse | 2

#5534460 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:27

He should just check out himself