Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind...

By Anonymous - 14/6/2013 00:30 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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Love

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Live dumping

By losing the plot - 8/4/2015 19:36 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after locking myself out of my house, I let myself into my car to wait on someone with a spare key. It took me 15 minutes to realise the house and car key share the same ring. FML

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By nutrigrain123 - 23/5/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I was driving in my car with my daughter, who was eating a nutri-grain bar. After a while she holds out her hand saying, "It's on my finger! I don't wanna eat it!" I pick up the little piece of nutri-grain filling and put it in my mouth, only to realize it was a large booger. FML

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By Badab1ng - 24/11/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML

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By J Rush - 21/3/2012 11:46 - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

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By lessimportantthanatable - 15/11/2017 12:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents' house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML

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By gabe8 - 15/6/2009 05:42 - Mexico

Today, after buying the plane ticket to Glendale, CA to visit 17 year old Courtney who I met on a dating website, she called me for the first time to say that she was actually 19 year old Seth from Atlanta, GA. FML

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By shininghayley - 15/2/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me out bowling. My mom was going to take us. My parents ended up bowling with us. I had a double date with my parents. FML

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By GymBattle - 31/10/2013 23:18 - United States

Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - 17/8/2015 20:14 - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2016 21:28 - United States - Spokane

Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML

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By notsoaloneanymore - 17/6/2016 04:32 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my parents left on vacation for the week. Taking advantage of my freedom, I was planning on having my boyfriend over. My grandparents just showed up as they 'thought I would be lonely'. I can't get rid of them. Looks like I'm not having any fun this week. FML

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By booksandshadows - 4/3/2014 09:06 - United States - San Diego

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

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By CaityLovesBo - 5/2/2012 18:49 - United States

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

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By what-the-what - 29/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, my mother called me at work, freaking out about my dog, so I panicked. What was wrong? He had a hard-on and she'd never seen that happen before. FML

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By Matthew - 4/7/2018 22:30

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

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By lifesucks4me - 23/2/2009 12:51 - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

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By Tag - 31/8/2013 04:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2017 22:00

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

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By LawStudent - 19/9/2012 14:54 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I was excited to get my first writing assignment since starting law school. I found out that I have to write a paper defending free speech. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to defend the Westboro Baptist Church and if I weren't a former Marine. FML

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By still poor - 5/12/2014 06:17 - United States - Carlisle

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2016 00:24 - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my little 7 year old brother asked me what horny meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he screamed, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML

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By ChampionshipVinyl - 18/4/2012 06:57 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

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By - 6/11/2019 18:00

Touched for the very first time

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

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By supergirl7 - 27/7/2011 22:21 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Elizabeth - 29/7/2011 19:56 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

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By thatoneperson - 17/2/2012 12:43 - United States

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

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By sampaloompy - 8/1/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

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By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

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By Caroline - 24/2/2013 09:34 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I went to the doctor to get a blood test and I started crying when I saw the needle. I planned on becoming a doctor. FML

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By damnit - 11/9/2010 20:46 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By Tal - 26/4/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

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By hesaidwhat - 15/1/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

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By beaverfever - 6/8/2014 16:45 - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

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By kat124ever - 7/1/2013 08:35 - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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Top comments

By HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5534443 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

By lachy15 | 15

#5534445 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

COMMENTS

By HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5534443 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I bet he was blindsided by that!

TeamKelly | 10

#5534452 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:19

Irony always seems to find a way.

friedpwnadge | 25

#5534455 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

He should have seen it from the boyfriend's point of view.

DefiningDivine | 13

#5534456 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

•

gotaplanstan | 28

#5534528 - Friday 14 June 2013 12:39

I wonder if his name is Matt Murdock.

Wizardo | 33

#5534610 - Friday 14 June 2013 14:11

Remember that love is blind, seems like comment decency is too....

hugozac88 | 22

#5534735 - Friday 14 June 2013 16:30

I bet he didn't see that coming

jujubeef | 10

#5534887 - Friday 14 June 2013 18:53

extremely punny dude!

Remington1619 | 3

#5535592 - Saturday 15 June 2013 6:49

That is blinding ironic!

kriz_allizwell | 6

#5535825 - Saturday 15 June 2013 12:30

Looks like you can't see eye to eye with your dad on that one ....

By raheelyo | 5

#5534444 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:12

I think you should visually impair your dad.

thebaddayblues | 3

#5534691 - Friday 14 June 2013 15:57

Your mom is visually impaired after last night.

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5535191 - Saturday 15 June 2013 0:47

Next time remember to get the mouth not the eyes

Neilish | 15

#5535750 - Saturday 15 June 2013 10:38

I think the second comment is funnier than the first. Public opinion seems to differ. Maybe I'm weird

justinemalang1 | 14

#6102597 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:11

What the fuck? Why would you even say that?

By lachy15 | 15

#5534445 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Well you can see how he finds it funny, even if he was only joking about it originally.

By whiplash2289 | 19

#5534446 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:13

Probably because he couldn't see a way out of that situation.

unixdude | 9

#5535028 - Friday 14 June 2013 21:09

Comedy Gold right there folks. If you didn't chuckle a bit, you are probably dead.

By Crometer | 23

#5534448 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

I don't blame your dad for laughing, but at the same time he shouldn't have been so rude.

By DefiningDivine | 13

#5534449 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:15

How did you not see this coming?

Verst | 16

#5535110 - Friday 14 June 2013 22:25

You look familiar.

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5535192 - Saturday 15 June 2013 0:49

She did just not her boyfriend

By MY_FML_MOMENTS | 6

#5534450 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:16

that's fucked up !

By scarface90 | 8

#5534451 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:17

Sounds like something Peter Griffin would do with Meg in one of those flashbacks

missdodd | 6

#5534846 - Friday 14 June 2013 18:21

bahaha!

By SirTalkaton | 22

#5534454 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:20

You're dad sounds like a peach. At least he didn't make a blind person joke.

tiernang | 21

#5534537 - Friday 14 June 2013 12:48

A peach? I've never heard that used like that before...

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5534557 - Friday 14 June 2013 13:06

Because he bruises easily? I don't get it.

BlowinChronic | 18

#5534591 - Friday 14 June 2013 13:43

Ugh i can't stand people that are peaches. They're such assholes.

By whatsurexcuse | 2

#5534460 - Friday 14 June 2013 11:27

He should just check out himself