Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about... - FML

By Emma Five - 14/3/2012 03:22 - United States

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Doomed

Workaholic

By stoolgal - 23/9/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

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By DaddysGirl - 16/10/2011 10:36 - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2014 19:10 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

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By Terminator101101 - 30/5/2013 23:06 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

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By unlovedfatty - 16/12/2010 01:01 - United States

Today, I reactivated my Facebook account, having not used it for three months. My "friends" didn't realize this. According to their recent status updates, I'm disgustingly fat, have a hook nose, and I'm secretly hated. FML

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By secenteenmagazine. - 22/2/2009 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

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By Nearis - 16/2/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By annonymous - 18/6/2012 01:57 - United States

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

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By gutted - 21/4/2011 08:33 - New Zealand

Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML

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By that's methed up, darling - 16/8/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dragged me to the local McDonald's, refusing to drive me home until he ate. When I mentioned how dangerous that part of town is, he stopped and went all Walter White on me in front of everyone, spouting lines like "I AM the danger" and "I'M the one who knocks, babe." FML

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By bdjsbskl - 7/10/2011 05:55 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML

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By fyln00b - 3/7/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was horseback riding. Somebody yelled something behind me, so I turned around. Next thing I know, I am on the ground and my head is killing me. It turns out I ran into a tree branch. The person behind me simply said, "Watch out." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2018 15:00

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

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By screwedupfuck - 27/3/2015 21:19 - United States - Lowell

Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the hell out of us for our recent poor profits, when I accidentally let rip a vile fart. I was then subjected to a 10 minute tirade of abuse for "trying to be a funny man", and told that whatever small chance I had for a promotion is now gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, completely excited, I told my mom about this guy from high school, that I had really liked and who had found me on Facebook. He said he regretted not asking me out in high school and offered to fly me out to visit him. Her response? "Has he seen what you look like now?" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 12:11 - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 22:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

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By supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - 11/8/2016 08:33 - Australia - Maida Vale

Today, my car broke down on my way home from university. I tried calling for help, only to realise my phone had completely run out of charge. Luckily, I had passed a police station so I decided to walk the 10 minutes down the road to ask for a phone. When I got there, the station was closed. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

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By UhOh - 8/7/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

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By SHAME! - 20/5/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML

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By Kyle - 10/5/2011 10:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

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By c.m.g. - 27/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

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By caesarinozeppeli - 11/5/2017 16:00

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

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By Garrett - 10/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

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By Pho_Rheal - 25/9/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I got a phone call for a interview at Target at 4:30 pm. I got super excited, so I got dressed up and headed over there. I tell the manager that I am there for my interview. He doesn't know what I'm talking about. My friends had prank called me. FML

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By sorry - 25/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

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By lame-o-prof - 15/7/2013 21:14 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was marking exams. I then had to explain to many of the students that (a) pigs are not aquatic animals and (b) sharks do not have lungs. These are university students. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

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By Sad - 1/3/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML

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By ohdamn - 22/9/2009 11:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist. I parked my car in what I thought was the dentist's car park. It was actually the car park for the business next door. I had to watch them clamp my car from the dentist's chair. FML

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By friendless - 6/8/2019 00:01

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

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By Falcon - 9/2/2012 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to pee in the kitchen sink because my bathroom is being completely revamped, and the only other toilet in the house is my parents'. They refuse to let anyone use it. FML

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By whyme - 8/12/2010 06:26

Today, feeling so depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, I texted a girl I had a crush on. Her response? "Can you please delete my number, you're getting annoying." FML

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By neverStopLaughin - 4/10/2009 20:31 - United States

Today, I moved out of my parents basement. After I hugged my parents I walked out the door only to remember I left my phone in the kitchen. I open the door and see my parents dancing. FML

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By aroman2312 - 6/9/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

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By gan-1991 - 15/6/2020 23:01

It's called caring, OK?

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

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By SuperBunny - 20/4/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 05:01

Friends theme music plays

Today, I realized that having the apartment bathroom next to my bedroom space isn't so great and convenient when it's occupied by my evil roommate, Fartzilla. I hear every constipated grunt, despite having music turned up. Worse, it's like living next to a poop-pourri factory. Nose bleach, anyone? FML

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Top comments

By dabomb1463 | 0

#4161949 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:25

YDI for being mean and insulting the elderly

By FMLshark | 12

#4161951 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:25

I think it's safe to say you proved your point.

COMMENTS

By dabomb1463 | 0

#4161949 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:25

YDI for being mean and insulting the elderly

Reply

MetalxSoldier | 26

#4162082 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:37

She probably shouldn't crack any road rage jokes either. Thats just asking for trouble!

Reply

sycosyd_97 | 1

#4162149 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:50

#1 No she didn't ur dumb. She was making a joke and he took it personal. Can u not read the FML?

Reply

BarDownDaily | 12

#4162166 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:52

28- Jokes can still be mean.

Reply

dabomb1463 | 0

#4162185 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:57

#28 your an idiot jokes can be mean and she got what she deserved

Reply

BarDownDaily | 12

#4162191 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:58

31- Talk about irony.

Reply

kyarush | 10

#4162301 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 6:26

He showed your punk ass

Reply

jonriise18 | 3

#4162512 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 7:26

32 - LOL. Well said!

31 - The irony #32 speaks of is referring to you insulting someones intelligence when you don't understand the difference between your and you're.

Reply

iamyummylicious | 14

#4162534 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 7:33

"your an idiot jokes can be mean and she got what she deserved"

I also like how she insults someone while calling that person out on being mean. Hypocrite much?

Reply

raauul_4 | 5

#4162750 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 9:46

Let's go Manchester United!

Reply

dabomb1463 | 0

#4163346 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 14:02

I'm a guy thank you very much.

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#4164155 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 17:46

I think she shit herself but didnt mention it.

Reply

littlegold | 7

#4181551 - Sunday 18 March 2012 14:38

K first comment pika pika out window after drunk hysterical picture... And u shouldnt insult people it is mean.... All your fault....

By FMLshark | 12

#4161951 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:25

I think it's safe to say you proved your point.

Reply

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#4162611 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 8:03

OP's father was just teaching her the sound of forgiveness. Screaming... and then silence.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4162721 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 9:26

The game of "chicken" can be played against a wall?

Reply

rubberduckie94 | 13

#4163133 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 12:41

CARL!!!!!! That kills people!

Reply

Jkolbly | 11

#4168130 - Thursday 15 March 2012 7:18

I wonder what would have happened if you didn't scream. Just sat there with a blank look on your face as your closing in on the wall.

By 918jacob | 8

#4161953 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:25

Moral of story: don't call parents old if they are driving

Reply

OuchAndGoodfight | 5

#4162249 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 6:09

B****, please.
It's all about the theme: death comes quick..
especially with 4-ton transporters.

Reply

FirstTigerHobbes | 13

#4162552 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 7:36

B****, please?
I'm sorry we don't have any boxes here.
Oh! You meant "beach please"! Well we don't have beaches either.
Unless of course you asked for a break, well of course! Have a break, have a Kit-Kat.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4162686 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 8:42

I am addicted to those cookies and cream Kit Kat chunkies. Omg, drool worthy!

By mpsteve137 | 15

#4161956 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:26

Ydi for being a girl and saying someone else cant drive

By KM96 | 24

#4161960 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:26

It depends how old he is I guess ... Since he's your dad I'm guessing not old old ... Like 70 - 90. Lol it's funny though!! I guess he just took it the wrong way! Haha!

Reply

YessyxD | 8

#4162671 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 8:30

70-90?!?!?!? How old were you when you went to college? I went to college at age 17 making my parents around 40.... obviously OP is young if he still needs his parents to drive him to school.

Reply

proud2fly | 7

#4162702 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 8:49

I think they were trying to say that 70-90 would be "old old," not guessing that op's parents were that age. It's just worded strangely.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4163013 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 12:18

I think it makes perfect sense, 70-90 is clearly meant to be an example.

Reply

YessyxD | 8

#4164380 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 18:47

Lol I didn't see the "not" :D my bad!!!!

By loufol22 | 5

#4161967 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:27

One day you will be old so you are insulting your future self

By zombicidal | 11

#4161971 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:27

Don't piss of your parents. they brought you into the world and I think you know the rest (your dad from fallout 3 says that if you shoot him)

Reply

4everblackjack | 10

#4162284 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 6:19

God, how I love Fallout 3 :,D

Reply

MsMeiriona | 2

#4163126 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 12:40

Cosby show did it first.

By mrnuleef | 7

#4161978 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:28

Ydi for not driving your damn self!

Reply

xMiss_Maggot | 7

#4162306 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 6:28

agree if hes in college he should be driving

Reply

immaMonsta | 8

#4162999 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 12:16

#42 Number one, OP is a girl. Number two, some colleges don't allow their freshmen or sophomores to drive. OP doesn't clarify what year of college she's in, so I'm assuming that it's her first or second year since she was being driven.

Reply

TheGreatAlexande | 12

#4163259 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 13:32

42, I was 15 when I started college, not all college students can drive themselves to school.

By desireev | 17

#4161982 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:28

This may be proof of your theory. Mood swings, bad driving, and the next thing ya know, he is using your t-shirt as toilet paper.

Just kiddin'! .")

Reply

l0v3p4in | 7

#4162232 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 6:06

OP = Obvious Poopstain

Compliments of dad.

Reply

philipino | 24

#4165915 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 22:59

36- And DocBastard.

By UnleashedKilla1 | 4

#4161999 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 5:29

That's funny, but you kinda deserve it.