Geek: Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

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Geek

Dangling modifier

Walk on the wild side

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 5/2/2021 14:01

Considerate

Today, I was sick and had a migraine. Being sick turns me into a big baby, and I told my boyfriend I didn't want to be alone. Two hours into my shift, he texted me saying he "needs to let off some steam because he hadn't in a long time." Guess who ended up staying home alone until his drunk ass needed to be taken care of. FML

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By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By FUCKFACECUNT - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 05:00

Mr Commitment

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

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By educatttiiioonnn - United States

Today, I made exactly 400 flashcards of my vocab that I had to memorize. It took me over 3 hours to make them and hours to remember them. Proud of myself, I showed them to my friends. Then my friends notified me I had memorized the wrong section. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bra clasp broke in the middle of a job interview. I got the job on the spot. I'm scared to report into work. FML

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By Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III - United States - Jersey Shore

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

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By fuckerman - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By Tee - Australia

Today, I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend before I got on my bus. As I turned to get on, the door closed on my face. I knocked on the door. The driver looked at me, and while still staring at me, drove off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

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By lemonhead

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

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By beablue18 - Germany

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

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By Jennifer - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

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By unicorn - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By jelrid - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Princeton

Today, I left my house angrily after arguing over the Super Bowl. I guess karma gets nasty when you wish a member of the opposing team would break his back. I fell down the stairs. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

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By live2dance4ever

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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By MenstruallyFrustrated - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

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By Xandar

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

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By GOT not for me - 15/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Game of Thrones 2: Pig in the City

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

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By Hanna - United States

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

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By idk ask freud - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, a teenage kid holding a cell phone ran up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in the groin. After I fell to the ground in pain, I realized he was liveblogging the event and asking people to subscribe to his YouTube channel. FML

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By nurse - Reserved

Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML

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By Kayla - United States - Mesa

Today, I freaked out because of the smell of rotting eggs lingering in my apartment. I soon discovered it was my boyfriend's feet. FML

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By Good choice cat - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By pokeballbra - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By TheSentinel05 - 8/7/2020 05:00

You should know!

Today, my mom screamed at me for not cleaning out the coffee machine. When I told her that wasn’t part of my chores and she never asked me to do it, she screamed at me for not doing it out of the kindness of my heart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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By thisblows - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML

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By disasterbutton - United States

Today, I noticed that my neighbor's house has a clear view of my daughter's bathroom. There is a telescope in his window. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

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By migsman - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

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Top comments

By Hummbinger | 5

#2164408 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:32

I wish my dad did that.

He's pretty awesome imo.

By mightymaurer | 0

#2164422 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

luke he is Ur father

COMMENTS

By Hummbinger | 5

#2164408 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:32

I wish my dad did that.

He's pretty awesome imo.

zolziski | 11

#2164412 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:32

Agreed!

I_R_Genius | 3

#2164558 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:13

The force is strong in this one, train you must young padawan.

sammy92 | 0

#2164667 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:53

1) agree. 2) love ur pic!^ lol

GreatGeak | 8

#2164755 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:31

Sammy!
:)

mimmy3636 | 0

#2164968 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 12:40

that's wat I was thinking!:p

MLuckyCapoeirist | 6

#2165027 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 13:05

Hmm really? I sense something else.
Is it really a laser saber OP? Or something else, with added sound effects ;)

By misstamz | 0

#2164420 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

So?

By mightymaurer | 0

#2164422 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

luke he is Ur father

impatientsnake | 4

#2164783 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:50

dude he should make a film

By scottovious | 0

#2164434 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:36

Who cares. Just 'cause he is having fun you need to whine like a little Bitch? F his life for having a little bitch for a kid!

By 1234USMC | 0

#2164441 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:37

dude your dads fucking dope!! haha

IsayWOW | 0

#2164720 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:13

I dot know why but #14 made me laugh:)

Teah9 | 6

#2165170 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 14:21

what the fuck is your picture?!!

By krez | 20

#2164446 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:39

That's how you are supposed to play with it.

Mama_Umbridge | 8

#2164829 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 11:46

If he took it out of the packaging then it's no longer in mint condition. The collectible lost it's worth!

By track69 | 3

#2164450 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:39

you should be happy you have such an epic dad!!

Acousticpixie14 | 6

#2165242 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 14:53

Agreed!

My dad would totally do that, and I'm grateful for his awesomeness [:

By ohrlynow | 9

#2164455 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:42

Aw, let your dad have his fun!

By SpicyGrass | 0

#2164463 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:45

Thats awkward. I would get scared if I saw that... therapy?

By mrnorth | 0

#2164480 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:52

your dad is fking awsome wanna trade?

SpaceMannn | 0

#2164505 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:57

Dads' aren't pokemon cards, you can't just trade them. You have to battle them first.

jrtepechis | 6

#2164767 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:37

win

YayaInLalaLand | 0

#2164825 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 11:43

16 is a win(: