Geek: Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber....

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 617

09/03/2011 01:15

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 713

You deserved it 7 908

Geek

Weird reason to leave, but OK

You tried

Mondegreens

19/08/2011 06:38

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 566

You deserved it 4 212

30/05/2013 08:51

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 821

You deserved it 2 866

Mystery Girl

By Anonymous - 11/03/2020 00:01

Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn't necessary to tell me, she just assumed I'd figure it out on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 824

You deserved it 150

26/06/2009 07:57

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 316

You deserved it 21 407

Butt-dial

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/09/2021 23:00

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 51

Smart kid

By bleredoshia - 08/04/2010 04:27

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 519

You deserved it 61 909

14/09/2015 05:17

Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 042

You deserved it 3 458

17/12/2009 05:00

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 976

You deserved it 3 031

08/07/2014 08:40

Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway onto the tire ramp. Truck didn't make it; neither did my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 115

You deserved it 4 269

17/07/2013 23:15

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 617

You deserved it 18 670

04/04/2017 04:00

Today, we got a new window washer in my office : a three-year-old, who decided the best tool for the job was his tongue. I'm the only one in the office willing to touch a bottle of glass cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 163

You deserved it 375

09/07/2009 18:50

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 264

You deserved it 66 374

04/11/2009 10:12

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 059

You deserved it 2 529

13/11/2011 17:10

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 387

You deserved it 2 529

26/01/2014 05:10

Today, I was packing, when my parents told me to put my little sister's toothbrush in the top pocket of their suitcase. The pocket I opened had 3 unopened boxes of condoms in it. We're going to my gran's house, and I'm going to be sleeping on a mattress on the floor of their room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 154

You deserved it 5 454

20/07/2012 02:11

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 308

You deserved it 2 416

25/02/2018 01:30

Today, I let my roommate borrow my car to go to the store. Later, I saw a picture on Facebook of my roommate and his buddies with my car saying, "Gone for the weekend!" I work at 8am tomorrow and he won't answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 429

You deserved it 852

29/04/2016 17:59

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 062

You deserved it 2 242

31/05/2010 15:43

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 127

You deserved it 4 048

20/03/2016 11:54

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 954

You deserved it 2 326

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 04:03

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 4 862

27/08/2009 00:57

Today, my husband and I decided to take a romantic trip to the beach. We got pulled over, and shortly thereafter he was arrested. Just so happens you can't miss child support payments for your twelve year old daughter without getting a warrant. He has a daughter? We've been married for 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 698

You deserved it 3 644

11/11/2013 23:58

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 049

You deserved it 4 309

29/12/2009 15:09

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 265

You deserved it 6 107

Deez Nuts

By ALittleLighter - 14/09/2021 05:00

Today, I finally lost some weight. Unfortunately, that's only because I had a testicle removed due to cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 44

27/08/2010 09:15

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 542

You deserved it 4 967

Great handle!

By I'll Make You FartCum - 02/01/2015 21:53

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 308

You deserved it 9 090

31/05/2011 12:02

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 772

You deserved it 8 845

01/06/2012 17:58

Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 444

You deserved it 2 119

06/06/2017 22:00

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 775

You deserved it 614

02/07/2016 04:17

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 016

You deserved it 3 790

29/09/2010 06:33

Today, I was having a good talk with a coworker and I was excited that I've made my first friend at work. After sharing some stories and some laughs he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said I do. He asked if I was always faithful, I said I was. He then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 483

You deserved it 4 608

05/08/2009 05:15

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 399

You deserved it 58 657

25/07/2009 22:17

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 872

You deserved it 37 998

21/03/2009 07:18

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 268

You deserved it 13 257

29/12/2010 13:01

Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 101

You deserved it 3 086

09/09/2018 23:30

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 615

You deserved it 630

07/04/2017 12:00

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 304

You deserved it 881

Squeezed one out

By harris - 25/06/2021 02:00

Today, I was desperate for the toilet when I got stopped by our CEO for a chat about a project I made a ton of profit on. I was so close to disaster that when she pulled me in for a hug I wasn’t expecting, it happened. Diarrhoea down my legs and shoes. I practically made the CEO vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 207

You deserved it 182

11/03/2016 18:28

Today, my ex-boyfriend decided to humiliate me by confessing to my dad in detail what he and I had done together and "apologizing" for taking my virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 448

You deserved it 2 351

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Top comments

Hummbinger 5

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:32

I wish my dad did that. He's pretty awesome imo.

mightymaurer 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

luke he is Ur father

Comments

Hummbinger 5

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:32

I wish my dad did that. He's pretty awesome imo.

zolziski 11

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:32

Agreed!

I_R_Genius 3

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:13

The force is strong in this one, train you must young padawan.

sammy92 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:53

1) agree. 2) love ur pic!^ lol

GreatGeak 8

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:31

Sammy! :)

mimmy3636 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 12:40

that's wat I was thinking!:p

MLuckyCapoeirist 6

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 13:05

Hmm really? I sense something else. Is it really a laser saber OP? Or something else, with added sound effects ;)

misstamz 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

So?

mightymaurer 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

luke he is Ur father

impatientsnake 4

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:50

dude he should make a film

scottovious 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:36

Who cares. Just 'cause he is having fun you need to whine like a little Bitch? F his life for having a little bitch for a kid!

1234USMC 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:37

dude your dads fucking dope!! haha

IsayWOW 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:13

I dot know why but #14 made me laugh:)

Teah9 6

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 14:21

what the fuck is your picture?!!

krez 20

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:39

That's how you are supposed to play with it.

Mama_Umbridge 8

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 11:46

If he took it out of the packaging then it's no longer in mint condition. The collectible lost it's worth!

track69 3

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:39

you should be happy you have such an epic dad!!

Acousticpixie14 6

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 14:53

Agreed! My dad would totally do that, and I'm grateful for his awesomeness [:

ohrlynow 9

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:42

Aw, let your dad have his fun!

SpicyGrass 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:45

Thats awkward. I would get scared if I saw that... therapy?

mrnorth 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:52

your dad is fking awsome wanna trade?

SpaceMannn 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:57

Dads' aren't pokemon cards, you can't just trade them. You have to battle them first.

jrtepechis 6

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:37

win

YayaInLalaLand 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 11:43

16 is a win(: