Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling...

By ~JESSICA~ - 11/9/2010 06:19 - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

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Transportation

Social distancing gone wrong

Boozehound alert

Inspirational tale

By Arcanin3Boss - 23/6/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

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By kwill256 - 15/9/2016 10:21 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my partner, which resulted in us breaking up and me leaving. I drove for half an hour before I realised I had left my handbag, purse and licence at his place. I had to go ask for it back. FML

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By tramrider - 7/3/2010 16:29 - United Kingdom

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

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By maystar - 26/5/2018 15:00

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2013 12:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was doing a little victory jig after finally sending out the last of the invitation cards for my wedding when I realised that I had forgotten to put the date of the event on them. FML

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By NotaDTfan - 30/4/2017 02:00

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 07:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 08:09 - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

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By unloved - 14/10/2010 22:10 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

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By jack - 28/2/2011 05:43

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

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By Emmaraine189 - 28/4/2016 02:22 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML

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By Matt - 30/4/2019 02:00

Today, I got a call saying I was successful in my interview to be a pizza delivery driver. As I picked up my contract and got in my car, I reversed sideways into a pole and ripped off my front bumper. The manager came out and helped jam the bumper in so I could make it home. FML

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By hell - 14/11/2015 21:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

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By TheCerealKiller - 7/8/2012 09:19 - United States - Northridge

Today, I had an upset stomach. I decided to quickly take out the trash before heading to the bathroom. As I opened the trash can lid, a raccoon jumped out. I learned the literal meaning of being scared shitless. FML

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By Repethetic - 2/4/2015 12:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

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By Sick As Hell - 27/4/2016 07:22 - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

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By uncool - 16/4/2011 06:11 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

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By bottomdrawerraider - 17/11/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

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By waitforit - 23/4/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 06:01

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

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By brinn - 16/9/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By hannamacintosh - 25/7/2016 14:13 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 16:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

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By Treats For Days - 19/7/2013 13:54 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

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By llmd - 10/8/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend just to hear his voice since I haven't seen him in a while. His mom picked up and said "Chris isn't here right now, he's with his girlfriend. Do you want to leave him a message." We've been dating for 4 and a half months now. FML

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By Mirorbo - 11/6/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

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By Purple-jacket - 10/4/2019 04:00

Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2014 15:42 - United States - Springfield

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

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By anon - 18/7/2019 14:00

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2013 21:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

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By abc - 27/5/2009 10:15 - Pakistan

Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

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By badenoughflowers - 14/1/2013 15:47 - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

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By Grossed out - 14/2/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

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By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By awkwardaf3 - 12/12/2016 01:13 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2013 06:07 - United States

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

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By redlips - 9/11/2010 18:06 - Japan

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

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By .... - 30/11/2014 04:29 - United States - Geneva

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

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By Ben - 25/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

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Top comments

By Chibbbles | 0

#1387715 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:19

How can you hate fish. it's Yummy. and smells like Vaginas ;D JAYKAY. but seriously. fish is good...

By Clover2009 | 0

#1391633 - Sunday 12 September 2010 7:52

I always kinda laugh at people who say "YDI for being ungrateful!" ... Because you would be SO TOTALLY THANKFUL YOURSELF if your dad left a food that you don't like in your car, making it stink. Get the fuck over yourselves.

COMMENTS

By sexyscooter | 0

#1387712 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:19

that sucks

DearLar | 0

#1387806 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:38

nom nom

legonut4 | 0

#1387812 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:40

smack your dad with the fish

sourgirl101 | 28

#1388039 - Saturday 11 September 2010 17:27

Well some one is thinking out side of the box. That's a great question!

Sushi is yummy.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1388098 - Saturday 11 September 2010 17:43

Why is this up here? This comment was for #4 which seems to vanish on and off.

PiinkCupcake | 0

#1388466 - Saturday 11 September 2010 19:28

Sushiiiii <3

acccccccc | 1

#1388901 - Saturday 11 September 2010 22:45

39! i know that happened to me twice yesterday then someone pmsed at me! it kinda hurt my feelings D':

flyersfan365 | 0

#1389021 - Saturday 11 September 2010 23:24

that doesn't suck you suck at making first comments!

KaarmaaBiitchzz | 0

#1389204 - Sunday 12 September 2010 0:59

giiigiiityyy.... giiigiityyyy...
giigigiigigiigigigigigigigigigigigigigii-GIGITY!!!!

dont know why I have quag mire jaws in mind... but I had to share it FML's people!!

By Chibbbles | 0

#1387715 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:19

How can you hate fish. it's Yummy. and smells like Vaginas ;D JAYKAY. but seriously. fish is good...

Mclovin_95 | 0

#1387755 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:26

haha smells like vaginas?wtf all random..lol

kiwimartini | 0

#1387974 - Saturday 11 September 2010 17:15

eww...wtf

acccccccc | 1

#1388960 - Saturday 11 September 2010 23:08

playa!!!

rocky21 | 0

#1391602 - Sunday 12 September 2010 7:41

idk wat vaginas u smelt

By smokergirl420 | 0

#1387722 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:19

LOL I LIKE PENISES

By PixiiLuv | 0

#1387733 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:22

why would he put it in your car??

By cars819 | 0

#1387737 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:23

hey. he was kind enough to give u something nice to eat. deal with it

ancientfrog | 5

#1390413 - Sunday 12 September 2010 2:43

She'd better be a lover of fish.

By joanjett | 0

#1387757 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:26

I just modded this one

STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1387846 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:47

Thanks for telling us that

By SuperFlyDinosaur | 0

#1387759 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:26

dad's and thier suprises :D haha fyl.

By Juneyah1017 | 9

#1387766 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:27

awww! your such a meanie! it's not his fault you didn't come out as a boy. Stick to Hannah Montanna you ungrateful hochie lol
- also it is his fault he didn't get a boy lol :)

By Mclovin_95 | 0

#1387768 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:28

Fish is good :P

By Juneyah1017 | 9

#1387792 - Saturday 11 September 2010 16:34

I bet you "Metal Fish" would have loved it. his friends call him fishy and nemo. username "Metal Fish" lol